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Breakup over children decision


George132283

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I am in a 11 month relationship with a wonderful young woman. We worked through some distance issues (we live in different cities 2.5 hours apart)

 

However, she is very serious on getting married. We are very compatible. However, I do not view two marriage candidates as she does. She thinks we are SO in love, and so well matched, that we “bound” to be married. She says she could never find someone else. While flattered, and while I definitely could see us getting married, I think two candidates have to be compatible on the big issues. One of those issues is children.

 

I am 30. After much discernment, talking to friends, reading books, counselling, I have realized what I always sort of felt. I definitely do not wish kids, and am one of those 10-20% who are at peace without kids.

 

She is very mothering, has always sought kids, and will be a great mother. She was devastated when I told her I firmly do not wish kids, and I told her I loved her too much to lead her on once I knew this. I feared but respected what I assumed would be her decision to end the relationship, on the basis that we are in love, but we are not compatible on kids.

 

She in turn however asked not to break up. She has since been offering suggestions that perhaps she could give up kids to be with me, or, she only wants kids if they are mine. I absolutely have not asked her to give up kids. I could never ask someone to do that. I always have told her that I am uncomfortable with the chance that I could cause her a life of regret, if she gives up kids, but regrets it later.

 

For the above reason I am thinking of ending the relationship. Not because I do not love her, but because I am very uncomfortable falling more in love with someone, with whom I see a major life incompatibility. Any decision on kids would only be harder if we make it later, and breakup later. She seems happy to put the decision on kids off, and is sort of assuming one of us will change our minds, but I disagree.

 

Do you believe a breakup is inappropriate?

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It is best to end it.

 

She is trying desperately to hang on by suggesting she give up her dream of wanting kids, but she would likely only end up very resentful and unhappy about it later. I get that she's very hurt right now but she's not thinking clearly on that and not really looking at the bigger picture. May I ask how old she is?

 

You are wise to see the future issues that will arise from this, and respectfully part ways. It will be painful but so would putting off the inevitable and dragging this out any longer.

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Please end it - and please don't waste another second of her childbearing years. It's completely fine that you don't want kids -and more than fine that you admitted it to yourself -I am really surprised that this topic didn't come up much much earlier but maybe she didn't know if she wanted kids.

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Yes, you're right to end things when you don't match in that major area. She should not sacrifice her wishes in that area, and when she gets some time and distance away from your relationship, she will see you did her a favor by breaking up with her.

 

I know that happened to me when I was once with a guy for a year who was wrong for me in just about every way. I was devastated and didn't want it to end, regardless. About 3 months after the breakup with no more contact, the clouds finally swept away and I could see more clearly that the break up was the best thing for me. It freed me to find my future husband, who matched me in all the main ways. Take care.

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Please end it - and please don't waste another second of her childbearing years. It's completely fine that you don't want kids -and more than fine that you admitted it to yourself -I am really surprised that this topic didn't come up much much earlier but maybe she didn't know if she wanted kids.

 

 

From day 1 I said I was very uncertain of children. As time went on, and she began to indicate she wanted to take a job to move to my City, I felt it only fair for me to reach a final determination. I would never wish her to move here on a false premise that marriage and kids were very likely (which she is hoping for) She wouldnt move until June 2021. We met while both in the same City, and then 6 months later she moved to another city for a long arranged 1 year job.

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Ending this relationship is truly the kindest, most caring, most mature, and an incredibly selfless thing you can possibly do for her.

 

Yes, she does think and she is likely being told by many people in her life that you will change your mind once you get married, once you mature a little bit more, etc. Most people do want children and cannot understand those few who do not. They just blindly believe that you will indeed change your mind because they can't fathom someone not wanting kids.

 

The thing is that you do know firmly who you are and what you do and do not want and understand what she and others don't - you are serious about not wanting children. So yes, this is a major incompatibility and best you can do is break up, be very firm about it - no back and forth, no staying friends, etc. Let her heal and move on and find a guy who wants the life that she wants and the sooner the better.

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I'm one of those too who never wanted kids, nor walk down the aisle. This was decided when I was a kid, I have never considered changing my mind and me being a woman I caught a lot of flack for it. When I met my husband (common law), after about a month of dating and things were getting serious, I had that conversation with him. I let him decide to accept or end it. You too need to have that conversation with her, and then end the relationship. Kids is a BIG DEAL and it's a no brainer this isn't going to work.

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From day 1 I said I was very uncertain of children. As time went on, and she began to indicate she wanted to take a job to move to my City, I felt it only fair for me to reach a final determination. I would never wish her to move here on a false premise that marriage and kids were very likely (which she is hoping for) She wouldnt move until June 2021. We met while both in the same City, and then 6 months later she moved to another city for a long arranged 1 year job.

 

So was it true you were still undecided back then -because now you've decided you don't. I mean if someone had told me he was undecided I wouldn't have gone on a first date let alone hang around for months.

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You don't sound ready for kids at all. This seems more like a relationship of convenience. She's getting something out of you - security, family, homelife, maybe an older male/father figure type as well. How much younger is she? You said young lady. You're only 30 and this is a very young man. You both have the rest of your lives to live with plenty of things and places to explore. The question of home life or family is too soon at 30 for a lot of individuals. You, on the other hand, are getting a young lady with little to no lived experience and wide-eyed innocence. It appears ideal but it's not.

 

Give yourselves time to grow. Everything in good time. And some things, not. I don't think either of you have to feel you have to "know" what you want at this stage. You're both very young. If anyone is putting pressure on the other and there's worry or discomfort this early, it's not good. I think your gut instincts are telling you something.

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We are very compatible. However, I do not view two marriage candidates as she does. She thinks we are SO in love, and so well matched, that we “bound” to be married. She says she could never find someone else. While flattered, and while I definitely could see us getting married, I think two candidates have to be compatible on the big issues. One of those issues is children.

 

She is very mothering, has always sought kids, and will be a great mother. She was devastated when I told her I firmly do not wish kids,

 

-Aww :/. Yeah, with knowing what she is wanting and what you do not. Is a challenge.

Not sure her age? YOu are 30 now- and I agree sounds like you know what you want & don't want in your life.

 

One for sure does NOT want to have guilt sitting on them - over time.

 

But was goood on you to step up & be honest- not lead her on.

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You don't sound ready for kids at all. This seems more like a relationship of convenience. She's getting something out of you - security, family, homelife, maybe an older male/father figure type as well. How much younger is she? You said young lady. You're only 30 and this is a very young man. You both have the rest of your lives to live with plenty of things and places to explore. The question of home life or family is too soon at 30 for a lot of individuals. You, on the other hand, are getting a young lady with little to no lived experience and wide-eyed innocence. It appears ideal but it's not.

 

Give yourselves time to grow. Everything in good time. And some things, not. I don't think either of you have to feel you have to "know" what you want at this stage. You're both very young. If anyone is putting pressure on the other and there's worry or discomfort this early, it's not good. I think your gut instincts are telling you something.

 

I perhaps should have clarified that I am 30, she is 27 (so not that much younger than I). While is very sweet, and caring, she is very educated, worldly, and confident in what she wants in life. I certainly did not mean to suggest otherwise. In this one instance, I just think she is a bit too romantically "hoping" one of us will change our minds. She wants to avoid the heartbreak now, and continuing the loving times we currently enjoy. But without an end goal in sight (marriage), and with her contemplating massive life changes for the purpose of future marriage, I think we need to face reality now. Thank you all so much for your replies.

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It sounds like you have been mulling over this for way too long. Stop stringing her along. Set both yourselves free and be honest with her that not only has the distance been an issue for months, but that her goal of marriage, family, etc is not what you want.

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I perhaps should have clarified that I am 30, she is 27 (so not that much younger than I). While is very sweet, and caring, she is very educated, worldly, and confident in what she wants in life. I certainly did not mean to suggest otherwise. In this one instance, I just think she is a bit too romantically "hoping" one of us will change our minds. She wants to avoid the heartbreak now, and continuing the loving times we currently enjoy. But without an end goal in sight (marriage), and with her contemplating massive life changes for the purpose of future marriage, I think we need to face reality now. Thank you all so much for your replies.

 

This doesn't sound like a person who is educated, worldly or confident.

 

Yes, end it now if you don't see a future with her or similarities on how you both want to live your lives.

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No, I don't believe a breakup is inappropriate.

 

It's not fair to neither of you to get married while you don't want kids, she wants kids and / or she'll acquiesce by sacrificing not having kids at her expense in order to make you happy. This argument will never disappear. She'll stew, grow resentful and bitter forever over this and eventually you two will split anyway.

 

Make the "kindest cut" by releasing her from your life, dissolving and exiting the relationship now. No sense wasting your time, energy and resources on a person who won't share same values, hopes, dreams and a bright, blissfully happy future with you. Give her a chance to be with a man who wants children and a family life with her.

 

It's time to go your separate ways.

 

And, I was once reminiscent of your girlfriend. I wanted children. However I wasn't worldly. My husband and I both wanted children. We have two amazing sons but I realize a family life isn't for everyone.

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You two are fundamentally incompatible.

 

I really hope you're not continuing to sleep with her. You're playing with danger in that regard - you're just asking to be a father in that case!

 

Be kind to her and yourself and let her go. You don't want kids and she does. It's really a no-go and there is no way you could both be happy being together. Either she gives up her dream of having kids and is miserable or you give in, have a child you don't want, and are miserable.

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