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Sense of drifting and I need advice.


Snoof

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Hi all.

 

I have not posted here before but I am looking for some advice on a situation I am facing. I have been with my partner for over 6 years. We have a great relationship and moved over seas together. But recently (the last 2 months) I find myself wishing for a fresh start, to start a new life. I'm unsure where this has come from and I do love my partner but part of me wishes it would end so I can go to a new city, explore and start fresh.

 

I don't know if anyone has been through this but I would appreciate any advice possible. Thank you.

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Instead of focusing on "but I love my partner" a better question is what's actually missing in your life, personal life or the relationship or both, that's driving these feelings.

 

When you want to escape and start over, there are usually some issues there that need to be aired out and sorted out and they aren't simple either.

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People have up and down feelings in relationships all the time - the adult who is having those chooses how to react to the feelings. You "find yourself" wishing - but now comes the hard work of deciding what choice you will make. Feelings are feelings -we cannot control them. You love your partner -so is that love strong enough for you to continue your commitment to her or are you willing to risk losing her by walking away - if you are then you might love her but you're not really committed to her. What do you think a new place would do for you since you will be taking yourself with you? Do you mean you want to be able to meet other people and date them? Are there things you and your partner can do to revive that sense of wonder and excitement you seem to want now?

 

I've certainly been through doubts in past relationships - questioning whether it was the right relationship. Shook me to the core. Those relationships were not right for me. In my marriage I certainly get frustrated, need space (especially because of covid) and get irritated (especially because of covid!!) but I know for sure I want to be married to him. I feel even more strongly about this over the years (married almost 12 years, together 15 this time around). I get that. Yes of course I have those fleeting moments where I want to be alone to have my darn coffee without interruption, without his humming to himself regularly, etc. Yes I miss traveling and I miss getting to go to a movie by myself. But I don't also want to leave the marriage. I just want some time to myself.

 

Evaluate what is at the core of this - because if you just need some space, go on a trip when it's safe, be loyal to your partner while you're away -but plan a week away or so on your own and see if that helps. For example. Or find something that is new and all yours -a volunteer activity, a class, etc. something that mimics a fresh start but yet you are committed to the one you say you love.

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Whose idea was it to move overseas? Are you both working/studying there? How long have you been there? Are you homesick?

 

Sounds like there's a rift in the relationship that one or both of you are sweeping under the rug. What happened 2 mos ago? Did you meet someone online or in person?

I have been with my partner for over 6 years. We moved over seas together. But recently (the last 2 months) I find myself wishing for a fresh start, to start a new life.
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After a while, any new city, exploration and starting fresh will transform into repetition and monotony as with all things in life. It's not the location. It's the person you are with whom you need to focus on and the relationship itself. If your relationship is stale, then revive it every now and then to keep the spark alive.

 

If you're still bored overall, do your partner a favor by dissolving the relationship so you can go wherever you'd like and your partner can be free, too.

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You don't say how old you are. If you started this relationship in your late teens or early twenties, perhaps you've outgrown each other. If you haven't had much of a dating life before him/her, maybe you want more of those experiences before settling down for good.

 

I'd recommend making a pros and cons list of staying versus going. Seeing things in writing often helps, and considering things on many levels.

 

I don't know what you mean by a great relationship, but maybe something needs to be improved. Do you feel like friendly roommates more than passionate partners? If so, you could get out of that rut by reading articles on new things to do in the bedroom. Cosmopolitan magazine online has great articles, as well as AskMen.com.

 

Ask for what you want. Ask what your partner wants. Try a new hobby together like dancing lessons, a cooking class, pottery. If you spend too much time together, get your own hobby so you can miss each other a little.

 

It'd help to know more about your life, but those are my suggestions regardless.

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There's nothing bad about wanting something new in your life. We can all get bored of the same routine. But where is this feeling coming from? Is it the relationship or is it more about life in general? You need to look deeper into your feelings. Yes, you love your boyfriend. But is everything okay in the relationship? Are there other problems or issues that are bothering you? If things are fine with that, then are you happy with yourself? Are you doing things you enjoy and have fun doing? Do you just need a new hobby, want to try out something different, something you've always wanted to try? Is your work/activities really want you want to be doing in life, something that gives you a sense of fulfillment?

 

Talk with your partner about this. Tell him you feel restless and while you still love him you need to do something different. It doesn't mean you have to break up. Maybe he would be willing to move somewhere else as well. Maybe you can do something together to break the monotony. Just be honest with him and with yourself. If you need a change, find something new to do that might give you the spark you are missing.

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