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Bf won’t talk to me bc I hid I was assaulted


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I’ve been with my bf for 8 yrs. About 3-4 yrs into the relationship he said he couldn’t be with someone who was sexually assaulted. He made how he feels clear and was upfront about his experience with molestation as a child by males and females. I was raped but never told him or anyone just kept it a secret, it happened in the later part of my teenage yrs. Recently I’ve been dealing with depression (change in jobs and moving) I saw the guy who raped me on Facebook and it triggered old feelings about the situation. My boyfriend was helping me through the depressed episode by coming to stay with me and one night I was crying, but refused to tell him about the rape I couldn’t even form the words, but he could tell what happened by the hints I gave. He asked if I’d ever fully tell him and I said no, it hurts to talk about. He got very upset I hid something from him and lied about being sexually assaulted, I told him I didn’t wanna tell him bc it hurt to talk about and he wouldn’t wanna be with me anymore. The next morning he left saying I was manipulating him and he couldn’t be with someone who lied and kept secrets. This was 2 months ago and he is still angry. He changed his number and only rarely communicates thru email with me. He won’t even hear me out about what happened. What should I do?

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3-4 yrs into your relationship when he brought up sexual assault is when you should have opened up to him.

Although even then it would have been a bit late to.

 

Of course you don’t have to divulge everything to someone you are only newly dating , but if you couldn’t share this with him after years then there is something fundamentally wrong with that relationship. ???

 

And after 8 years you tell him a little but not enough.

He didn’t leave the relationship because of what happened years ago. He left because you haven’t dealt with what happened years ago and didn’t trust him enough to confide in him?

 

I’m sorry for what happened to you.

But you do need to face it, deal with it and realise that until you do , no relationship can be a successful one?

 

Don’t try contact your ex . It will be futile.

He is not the person you should be speaking to now.

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This was 2 months ago and he is still angry. He changed his number and only rarely communicates thru email with me. He won’t even hear me out about what happened. What should I do?

 

There is nothing you can do at this point. You can't force him to want to listen or empathize.

 

I think it's best you let go of him and work on healing, both from the break-up and the previous trauma. You deserve happiness.

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Strange conversation to have that he was molested and wouldn't date someone in similar circumstances.

 

Stop contacting him. He doesn't want to or need to hear you out.

 

The best approach is counseling. You can't go through life being " triggered" randomly looking at social media.

 

Do you know this guy? Was it date rape where you still have people in common?

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He also has not dealt with HIS past as he has no compassion.

 

^This OP. He has some serious issues and the best thing you can do is walk away from a person who has zero compassion for you.

 

You are not ever obligated to share something so traumatic or discuss it with an SO, unless and until you are ready and truly want to. You didn't lie to him, you have an absolute right to your privacy.

 

He walked away because he has some major unresolved demons from his own past haunting him and there is nothing you can do to fix that. It's not about you, it's about him.

 

What you can do is get some counseling for yourself to help you with your depression and dealing with your own past trauma as well as this break up. The only one you can fix is yourself.

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This guy has some major issues and you should just leave it be. He needs to sort himself out and you really need to sort yourself out. You should get some therapy to work thru this, it's been too long and you shouldn't go thru your life with this affecting you so much.

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Stay away from people like him....whatever the reason he is being this way, it's not your issue to solve. Find a therapist that specializes in trauma therapy. Obviously you suffer from PTSD, and it won't get any better for you unless you seek out professional help. There are therapists available for facetime sessions so it can be more convenient/easier to get help. In the meantime, post here if you want to talk about anything.

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Yes it happened right before i met him so i was still dealing with it. I believe he was hurt bc i kept a secret and didn’t not confide in him and also bc i wasn’t honest about it occurring when he opened up to me. It just makes me sad that this is the end of us and he won’t speak to me probably ever again

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It just hurts so bad he won’t hear me out...8 yrs gone just like that i could see if i cheated or something. But the guy from the rape was someone i considered a friend we were cool we’d hang out, grab food...nothing more than platonic. And no we don’t have friends in common anymore

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Yes it happened right before i met him so i was still dealing with it. I believe he was hurt bc i kept a secret and didn’t not confide in him and also bc i wasn’t honest about it occurring when he opened up to me. It just makes me sad that this is the end of us and he won’t speak to me probably ever again

 

The thing is that you could say the same thing about him - he hid that from you for 3-4 years, that's a very long time, before telling you. Thing is that he told you when he was good and ready, but also......he told you something else "I'm very damaged and have zero empathy or compassion for those who have gone through something similar."

 

You were not obligated and still aren't obligated to share your trauma with him. In fact it was very wrong of him to sort of force it out of you and even more wrong to then judge you and dump you for what exactly? Being raped? That's pretty callous don't you think?

 

I know you invested 8 years into him. I think you might have missed some big red flags along the way that should have caused you to dump him. Lacking basic empathy, regardless of why, is a very huge deal breaker when it comes to relationships. Trying to explain yourself to a person like that, btw, is an act of futility. It's not that he doesn't understand how you feel or why, it's that he wants to punish people, not just you either. Guy has major issues that run deeper than you understand, OP. You really do need to stay away from him.

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I hate to tell you if he has no compassion for your situation and stating he would never date someone who has been assaulted he isn’t worth your time. Another sad fact he is REALLY going to have to search for a woman who hasn’t been.

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I'm so sorry you are hurting. That's a lot to deal with all at once.

I agree with the others. He has some serious issues himself that are now hurting you in one of your most vulnerable moments.

Here's the thing, sometimes we ( in general, people) are drawn to those with similar pain or trauma as ourselves on an instinctual level. This is especially true when it's something we have repressed and are trying to avoid looking at in ourselves - it tends to draw others like a magnet who have similar unresolved issues.

You are at a point where you can make a decision. You can repress it all again, or you can deal with it head on. And we will be here to support you. You certainly are not alone in your experiences and there are lots of us here who have been where you are, and come through to a more peaceful place after therapy and lots of work.

 

I'm so so sorry that when you did start to try to express this to someone for the first time, he was unable to support you and show you love. This is not your fault.

He simply can't be your safe place to fall in this regards because his issues meet yours in a bad way on this topic.

 

Be kind to yourself. Sending lots of love.

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Your boyfriend should've cut you a break yet he did not. He should've been compassionate and empathetic yet he was not. Since he changed his number and rarely communicates with you, perhaps this is his signal that he's currently your ex-boyfriend. Consider him history. You deserve better and it's NOT him.

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I'm so so sorry that when you did start to try to express this to someone for the first time, he was unable to support you and show you love. This is not your fault.

He simply can't be your safe place to fall in this regards because his issues meet yours in a bad way on this topic.

 

I agree. It's very sad that he can't be that for you. But he is limited.

 

Don't let this set you back. You have to unhitch your cart from this horse. It's not going anywhere, and it's not your fault.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. You're not obligated to tell anyone what happened to you. You can take it to the grave, if you want. But it may help if you do talk about it with the right person or people. A therapist, perhaps. Or you can search around for support groups in person or online.

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