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Feeling like I got played and really depressed


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Hi everyone!

 

I am immune compromised so it has been concerning dating for me with covid as I am high risk. I am also not working due to covid, so I guess I have a lot of time on my hands and haven't been doing the best with my mental health.

 

I connected with someone online and I didn't think much of it until we started talking on the phone every day for like 4 hours at a time. He is a musician though and they have a reputation but I didn't want to be judgmental. Anyway, we talked about ex's and stuff and he told me he prefers casual as it is just easier and he rarely likes people.....a few days later he told me he liked me and we admitted we both had feelings. This may sound ridiculous to everyone because I know some may think how do you get feelings without meeting, but it just happened I guess, or at least I had feelings for him on paper, and he said I am the first girl in a long time he has even thought about the idea of dating and being exclusive with.

 

So we said about meeting but he is exposed to lots of people as he plays two shows a week with a room full of people, and I told him in the end it was just a bit risky with my health, as it is not like he works from home all the time and is only seeing a select group of friends which would be much less risky.....

 

So then he basically said if we don't meet it is pointless to keep talking as we are drawing out emotions and not knowing when we could meet with covid being around as we just don't know when things will be better. I said I didn't really get it because if he claimed to have feelings for me, so if I was that special we would stay in touch and he said we could try and be friends. He also did random things like send me a screen shot of a woman he was having a convo with on Bumble. I found it a bit strange he would do that if he had feelings for me, but he sent the roll eye emoji and said he sent it to me as it was funny. I also asked him to video and he said video chats can just be awkward and don't give a good vibe of how things in person would be.

 

Anyway, we kept going back and forth and then didn't talk for a day, and I took him off my social media and he immediately messaged me asking why. I told him that it was just easier to not see his stuff etc, and then we talked a bit again and said about doing a socially distanced date so we could at least meet and see if the connection was there in person, and that evening he facetimed me from one of his shows and performed a song for me, and after the show he called me and we talked for an hour or so.

 

 

The next day we talked but he just seemed distant and wasn't really acting the same and said we were clashing a lot, and when I asked if he wanted to video again he said "that isn't me I am just not that sort of guy" I thought it was weird because so many guys have no issues with videoing, and if he liked me so much what would be the big deal? I figured it was a good way for us to get a better vibe before meeting....Also, I know he isn't a catfish because he videoed me at his shows singing.

 

Anyway, then he ended up telling me I was being needy and stuff......and we didn't talk for the rest of the night, and then Thursday I noticed he posted an instagram story from a girl at the show he had performed the night he videod himself performing for me. I guess she recorded him singing with the caption "if I don't come home from Texas it is because I moved to Texas to be with this guy," so she obviously connected with him that night and is visiting from out of state.

 

So yesterday morning I must admit I was hot headed and told him I saw the story and was like, ? It is one thing to play the field but if you are telling a girl you have feelings for her but are chatting up other women, and saying that you never connect with others often or feel a spark but you are connecting with women at your shows, that just seems very disingenuous, and with that, he blocked me on everything without even responding to what I said.

 

One of my guy friends actually follows him too as he went to one of his shows, and he told me that today he posted a picture at a restaurant and this girl who vidoed him was tagged in it, so they are obviously out together, so I just feel so stupid about everything and such a fool.

 

I don't get why he would spend hours on the phone, tell me all that and then drop me for someone who doesn't even live here. When she goes home he won't even be able to hang out with her, the exact same reason he didn't want us to pursue something at this time.

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Best to not try and figure someone else out. People I've known all my life shock me with things they do and say quite often.

 

It's really not the best time to try and date when you're high risk. If you can't meet up within two weeks, don't subject yourself to a fantasyland of "connecting" with a guy, because that's all it is--fantasy. It's not real.

 

I know I got quite excited about meeting particular guys on OLD, but 9 times out of 10, when we met, either one or both of us didn't share chemistry, or there were other reasons the person wasn't a good prospect.

 

Glad I never invested much time before meeting them, because it's smarter not to invest emotional energy into a cyber thing.

 

I'd suggest waiting until there's a vaccine and it's safe to meet in person once again. It's frustrating, but so is living in la-la-land with a stranger. Start a new hobby. Learn a new language. Try new fitness stuff like belly-dancing or kick-boxing. There are plenty of shows on line or on streaming channels.

 

Dating a musician is not for you. You're already getting upset over the female attention he's getting.

 

Take care.

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Im in Texas also, Hello! Sorry you’re feeling let down by this guy. Sounds like he didn’t want to wait indefinitely to meet up and honestly I don’t blame him. This year might just not be the best for dating.

 

I’d also be wary of anyone who claims they never connect with anyone, but after a few short conversations really connect with you magically. I just always feel like it’s some typical player line. Judging by this new romance with the girl out of state, he’s looking for a good time and nothing serious necessarily.

 

Also, maybe I misread, but you said he started distancing after the first time you guys video chatted?

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When I was online dating it was always said to not get emotionally invested before you meet in person and figure out if there’s chemistry in person, get to know them a bit etc. of course that must be hard now with COVID. I agree with Adriana not to try and figure someone else out, he has his reasons (liked the attention from you, used your interactions to fill time etc) and all you need to know is that he’s not the right person for you and fortunately you found out early before things went further.

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Im in Texas also, Hello! Sorry you’re feeling let down by this guy. Sounds like he didn’t want to wait indefinitely to meet up and honestly I don’t blame him. This year might just not be the best for dating.

 

I’d also be wary of anyone who claims they never connect with anyone, but after a few short conversations really connect with you magically. I just always feel like it’s some typical player line. Judging by this new romance with the girl out of state, he’s looking for a good time and nothing serious necessarily.

 

Also, maybe I misread, but you said he started distancing after the first time you guys video chatted?

 

We didn't video chat, but he called me from that show the night he met her. He played a song to me and called me after that show, but had obviously got her info. I just don't understand how he is starting something long distance with someone but not seeing me was a deal breaker.

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Maybe he thought you'd relent and agree to meet up with him but you didn't want to do that, which makes total sense to me. This other girl was there and available so he moved on to her.

 

Time to let this go. It's a lousy time to be trying to find someone to connect with so perhaps you'd be better off waiting until the world begins to calm down.

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Maybe he thought you'd relent and agree to meet up with him but you didn't want to do that, which makes total sense to me. This other girl was there and available so he moved on to her.

 

Time to let this go. It's a lousy time to be trying to find someone to connect with so perhaps you'd be better off waiting until the world begins to calm down.

 

I get what you are saying, but if this girl lives across the country he won't be able to see her, so kinda the same thing he wanted to avoid.

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You're acting and reacting as if you are dating this guy. This person -if this is actually a man, actually the person he says he is -you really have no idea if it is him on line or someone else or many someone else's - he's a stranger for all practical purposes -is just someone you became online penpals with and you exchanged some sweet words. Very safe because you knew there was little chance of ever having to meet in person and interact in person. It was fun while the chatting lasted and for now I'd move on. You got attached to a fantasy. I'm sorry that meeting people is so hard right now and that you are high risk. But the answer is not to chat with strangers and pretend that it is like dating.

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I get a general impression that this guy's lifestyle exposes him to lots of people (women) and he'll talk to everybody. Nothing wrong with that. I somehow can't imagine he would have been "loyal" to only you. If you had met in real life and were officially dating in the real world, then it's a whole other matter, but just talking online or on the phone .... I don't see that you guys were an item, so to say. I imagine he would be talking to lots of women that way.

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I get a general impression that this guy's lifestyle exposes him to lots of people (women) and he'll talk to everybody. Nothing wrong with that. I somehow can't imagine he would have been "loyal" to only you. If you had met in real life and were officially dating in the real world, then it's a whole other matter, but just talking online or on the phone .... I don't see that you guys were an item, so to say. I imagine he would be talking to lots of women that way.

 

I get what you are saying, but he was telling me he hasn't felt like dating someone for years but with me he did, so seemed like a liar.

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A number of things:

 

that evening he facetimed me from one of his shows and performed a song for me, and after the show he called me and we talked for an hour or so.

he told me he prefers casual as it is just easier and he rarely likes people.....a few days later he told me he liked me and we admitted we both had feelings.

So then he basically said if we don't meet it is pointless to keep talking as we are drawing out emotions and not knowing when we could meet with covid being around as we just don't know when things will be better.

 

1. He was straight-forward with you about preferring casual encounters.

 

2. He wants to meet you but you, because he's exposed to so many people, don't want to risk it. You guys aren't seeing eye to eye.

 

3. He spoke to you for 4 hours straight every day. He's interested in getting to know you for sure, as no one does that just because. On top of that, he face-times you during his performance and, afterwards, speaks to you on the phone for an hour or so. That's fantastic! However, you want to video-chat again the next day. Even though he already told you that video chats are awkward.

 

4. For some people all this texting and talking is too much too soon and it scares them away. My guess as to why "then he ended up telling me I was being needy and stuff".

 

5. Men move towards that which feels good and away from that which doesn't.

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IMO, he said all that ( had feelings) so he could get with you.

No, one does not gain real feelings that way...

 

Let it go.. this one is not for you..sorry :(

 

Yah.. expect much like this from men.

 

Move on .. things will get better. His loss ;)

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I get what you are saying, but he was telling me he hasn't felt like dating someone for years but with me he did, so seemed like a liar.

 

And maybe he is a liar, or maybe he was really impressed by the woman. The point is you can’t really get to know someone through the phone. Only ample time spent together in person will give you a true sense of who someone really is. Until then, it’s essentially just words.

 

You therefore also have to avoid putting so much weight on the concept of “feelings” when you’ve never met. He was interested in getting to know you and liked what he could gather about you, but that only goes so far. With no idea when you can meet, I don’t blame him for wanting to cut this off. You’re smart to avoid it when your health is at risk, but you have to be realistic that most people aren’t going to wait around indefinitely. He warned you that he was losing interest in this digital relationship and was talking to other women. That was your cue to walk away.

 

In short, I don’t think you got played but I think he got tired of waiting and moved on.

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- He is a musician though and they have a reputation but I didn't want to be judgmental. Anyway, we talked about ex's and stuff and he told me he prefers casual as it is just easier and he rarely likes people...

- He also did random things like send me a screen shot of a woman he was having a convo with on Bumble...

- Anyway, then he ended up telling me I was being needy and stuff...I noticed he posted an instagram story from a girl at the show he had performed the night he videod himself performing for me... she obviously connected with him that night and is visiting from out of state...

- Today he posted a picture at a restaurant and this girl who vidoed him was tagged in it, so they are obviously out together.

 

This guy sounds like he is playing the musician stereotype perfectly. He's also doing things to deliberately wind you up, gaslighting you and throwing what he's getting up to with other women in your face. You don't have a relationship with this guy, your health means it would be unwise to start anything up with him, so quit being in contact with him because his values do not match yours and it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

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Try to cut off all contact. It's tempting when isolated to want to have people to talk to.

 

However getting attached to a cyberromance can be emotionally exhausting and disappointing.

 

It doesn't matter whatever else he's doing and whoever else he's seeing.

 

What matters is finding better ways to cope with loneliness.

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I get what you are saying, but he was telling me he hasn't felt like dating someone for years but with me he did, so seemed like a liar.

 

Not a liar -he may have felt that way when he said it and he wasn't dating you so "feeling like dating someone" is broad and vague -I can feel like dating a radio personality I like and tell someone that and all it means is I felt that way that day. Or that hour. Today is National Cupcake Day from what I hear. I feel strongly that I want a cupcake - in fact I would tell anyone right now who asked me and I've never gone out and just gotten one because I wanted one -especially on a Sunday morning. But if I said to a person "I want a cupcake - I will meet you at [store] in 20 minutes and I'll get you a cupcake too -I really want one!!" and then I didn't show up I'd be lying. But saying that I really want a cupcake and haven't wanted one in a long time is just expressing my feelings. Doesn't mean I'm going to act on them.

Watch the feet -what a person does, not the lips. A person who wants to act on the feeling of wanting to date you will ask you out on a date - time and place - and show up for the date. When the person asks you out and shows up you will know he wants to go on a date with you.

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You over-invested in a stranger. This guy was never a good fit, yet you continued. Next time, don't waste so much time on someone you are not able to meet up with and wants casual.

 

Remember this: "he told me he prefers casual as it is just easier." He was following through with his word.

Edited by Hollyj
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