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In between my partner and my family


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Hello, im new to this forum and in need of advice. I have been with my partner for 6 years and just last year we decided to move in together. From the start we always had problems but nothing we couldn’t overcome. My partner since the first day became very good friends with my family members and everything was great. My sister and my mom started to notice how much we would argue about small things and they started to wonder if we were ok. Specially since my mom realized how my partner would go out without me every time and she thinks im not being taken serious. After that my partner became very angry at my family calling them nosey and even claiming that they didn’t want to see us together. I even stopped talking to my family for a couple months thinking it would make things better in our relationship. It only made things worse. Now we cannot go a day without a huge argument and every time i have to sit and listen to my partner bash my family and say really bad things about them. This hurts me so much since I have always been close to my family and love them so much. As of right now we both sleep in different rooms, we haven’t had any intimacy for the last 5-6 months. Not even a kiss. I feel like i live with a roommate that hates me. God knows I have tried to fix this but I cannot stand the insults towards the people I love anymore. I feel like i have to choose one side only to be happy. Im stuck and all i can do is cry.

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Sorry to hear this. Did most of the issue start happening after moving in? Do not sever yourself from your family, and never let someone isolate you.

 

Do not lead an argument with "my family thinks you're..."

 

How old is he? Stop "sitting and listening" to him bash your family, just go leave the room. That is condoning it while he brainwashes you against them. Make plans to move out asap. Enlist the help of your family. Do Not Tell him. Slowly but surely have your mail forwarded there. Have the addresses o All your accounts changed to your family. Change All your passwords asap. Sever all finances, except a few groceries, etc. Do not tell him your departure plan. Discuss that with your family.

 

In retrospect, where signs of of controlling/abusive behaviors there before? Does he drink heavily or use drugs? 6 mos after moving in together the relationship is dead in the water. There is no future.

 

You Can Not fix or change him. He does hate you. Controlling abusive do hate their targets. Move Out. Do Not Tell him. Stop talking about anything but mundane, same ol', same ol' nonsense while you plan your escape. He will pretend to be on best behavior for a while, but that is an act.

After that my partner became very angry at my family calling them nosey and even claiming that they didn’t want to see us together. I even stopped talking to my family for a couple months thinking it would make things better in our relationship. It only made things worse.

 

Now we cannot go a day without a huge argument and every time i have to sit and listen to my partner bash my family and say really bad things about them. This hurts me so much since I have always been close to my family and love them so much.

 

As of right now we both sleep in different rooms, we haven’t had any intimacy for the last 5-6 months. Not even a kiss. I feel like i live with a roommate that hates me.

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Thank you for your advice, he is 35. He doesn’t have any addictions that i know of. He has not been physically abusive other than pushing me around one time. Now I understand he has been very controlling to the point were i have stopped talking to the few friends i had. I have dealt with him accusing me of sleeping with everyone and specifically an older man from my old job. All without any proof or reason. You are spot on when you say he will change his behavior for a bit because that’s exactly what he did last time i told him i was leaving. He began to act differently and accused me of giving up on our relationship. He accused me of breaking his heart and that the house would be empty without me. This is so painful since i had so many plans for our future im at a point were i dont even have strength to fight him back

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I think you and your partner should try to patch things up. I don't believe in discarding a relationship just because there is discord with him and your family. First, work on your family and ask them respectfully not to meddle into your affairs even though they love and care for you. Say it gently so they won't get offended. Tell them you love them and that you don't want estrangement. Ease back into their lives by taking baby steps. Remind your family that your partner once had a great relationship with them and that it would be wonderful to rekindle those good memories and recapture those times. Meanwhile, have a calm discussion with your partner and tell him that you want peace with him and your family. Tell your partner that should he have disagreements with you, he needs to save his arguments for private moments when you two are alone at home; not in front of your family or for all the world to witness. Your family is not privy to you and your partner's arguments. Keep your disagreements private. Tell your partner not to get so hellbent emotional and to take a step back and handle this situation maturely. Tell your partner that while you value his opinions, name calling your family is uncalled for. He doesn't have to like your family, however, he needs to behave respectfully to all. If all else fails, work out a compromise with your partner and your family. Respect each other, enforce healthy boundaries with each other and maintain peace even if they're not close nor see each other often.

 

If the above fails, then it's time to exit the relationship, block, delete and go your separate ways permanently. Exhaust all avenues first before giving up.

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No one should stay in an abusive controlling relationship with someone who tries to isolate the victim.

🤯

I think you and your partner should try to patch things up.

He has not been physically abusive other than pushing me around one time.

he has been very controlling to the point were i have stopped talking to the few friends i had.

I have dealt with him accusing me of sleeping with everyone

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Thank you all for your comments they are very much appreciated. We were just in an argument minutes ago he got angry because i decided to help out my mother with something. I cant help but feel completely stupid i know i have to make a decision and make it fast.

Anyone who isolates somebody from friends and family IS abusive. 100%. Get your male relatives together and take your stuff and leave.

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How does he know what your family said?

 

Your family has observed something troubling, and they confided in you, likely in the hope that you will get out of this and go home to safety--not so you could use it on him, which only caused a rift between all of you.

 

When someone accuses you of cheating unprovoked, he is likely doing just that.

 

Respect yourself, and get out safely with the help of your family.

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He is definitely isolating you.

He is complaining about the family EVEN THOUGH you stopped seeing them/contacting them for a few months.

If it was truly a legit conflict with the family, things would have gotten better, not worse - the family is not even around and he is smacktalking them.

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I don't see what was mentioned by your family as a MAJOR issue, BUT your bf may have seen it as an attack?

And maybe feels like he was cornered some way..?

 

But, one thing YOU should never do, is disown you family for your bf's reactions :(.

 

One thing many will see, if this happens- and should you break up, that no matter what, our family will always be there.. partners, not always- for the long haul.

 

So, reverse all of this, and he needs to see that he can NOT break the bond you have with your own family.

 

So, consider now to tackle this issue. Communicate with him.. IF he is choosing to pull away like this on you where you get NO affection- then is he finished?

 

As for your family, I suggest you do not continue with this reaction, but be there for them.. with them.

Dont let a BF ever come between you's :(.

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Thank you for your advice, he is 35. He doesn’t have any addictions that i know of. He has not been physically abusive other than pushing me around one time. Now I understand he has been very controlling to the point were i have stopped talking to the few friends i had. I have dealt with him accusing me of sleeping with everyone and specifically an older man from my old job. All without any proof or reason. You are spot on when you say he will change his behavior for a bit because that’s exactly what he did last time i told him i was leaving. He began to act differently and accused me of giving up on our relationship. He accused me of breaking his heart and that the house would be empty without me. This is so painful since i had so many plans for our future im at a point were i dont even have strength to fight him back

 

Read this:

From the outside, people may look into abusive relationships and wonder how the victim stuck around for so long. One of the answers is something called "trauma bonding."

 

Manipulative, abusive people tend to be cruel to their partners, and hurl insults at them. They sometimes are also physically violent. However, they didn't start off this way when they were reeling in their victim.

 

Manipulators also give their partners intermittent periods of love and compliments to get them to stick around. These moments are given when the partner has "behaved" or has done something right. It's a way of being conditioned, and the victim gets biologically addicted to the emotional push and pull.

 

 

2. Manipulative people are masters of smoke and mirrors. If you are their target, they will have intensely studied you, and will know all of your strengths and weaknesses.

 

These are the tools they need to know how to wind you up. Often, they will also accuse you of the very things they have done themselves. For example, if they have cheated on you, they may accuse you of being unfaithful. If they are constantly cancelling your plans, they might tell you you're guilty of not giving them any freedom.

 

Confusing their partner and making them emotional makes manipulative people feel victorious.

 

Ultimately, to a manipulator, everything is a game. The only way to get out of the game is to leave the relationship and establish no contact. In a work environment, you have to learn to not hold them accountable or to expect apologies. When they learn they can't rile you up, they will move on.

 

3. Manipulators do not like losing. If you take a step back, or you leave a relationship with them, they will beg for a second chance if they think they can still gain something from you.

 

They are likely to give the fight of their life to keep you around. They might tell you how they will change, or how you will never find someone who loves you as much as them. However, all the promises are empty, and it's not in your best interests to get back with them out of fear.

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No one should stay in an abusive controlling relationship with someone who tries to isolate the victim.

🤯

 

I suggested that the OP (original poster) can attempt to salvage his relationship with his partner before calling it quits. If reasoning with his partner and his family fails, then by all means dissolve the relationship with his partner and move on. Some people can change whereas others are irreparable. Hopefully, his partner is the former and not the latter. I hope it works out for you and your partner, Dinogogurt and if not, you tried and you're better off without your partner in your life. Good riddance to him!

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People who stay in abusive relationships think just like this. The other person will change. It's unclear why you think it's 2 men.

can attempt to salvage his relationship with his partner before calling it quits. If reasoning with his partner and his family fails, then by all means dissolve the relationship with his partner and move on. Some people can change
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People who stay in abusive relationships think just like this. The other person will change. It's unclear why you think it's 2 men.

 

If discussing this with the partner fails, then by all means dissolve and exit the relationship so you can move on, heal and recover. I don't care what the gender is. If partners are incompatible, then the relationship is a failure and it's best to go your separate ways -- permanently.

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Do not think for even a minute that you deserve how he treats you. People like this work their way up with the abuse, so it happens to the best of us, including me. I would reach out to your family, let them know what is happening, and ask to stay until you can get back on your own feet. And call your friends, and apologize - I guarantee they saw it too, but didn't want to cause a rift, but would help you in a second. This guy is not a good person.

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