Jump to content
'

Recommended Posts

We've already pointed it out in this thread, but for clarity:

 

-him wanting sexual exclusivity but also telling you he's not interested in dating

 

-him being a jerk about not buying him a drink and claiming this means you only want sex from him

 

-him alluding to the fact he can't be with you because you smoke, and yet apparently so does he when it suits him

 

-him saying things "under his breath" all the time (mature adults don't go around muttering the important things - they speak directly and clearly)

 

He's trying to manipulate you to soothe his ego but you're confused and think that means he had deeper feelings. This guy doesn't want what you want, and he's essentially already told you that, OP. You've gotten your feelings too wrapped up in him and you're already getting too attached. Given the reaction you're currently experiencing over not getting a reply yet, you really need to step away from him.

 

Out of curiosity, what's your dating history like? I ask because it seems you are unaware of the red flags here.

He contradicts himself alot. Yes I have already become attached. He talked about that he wanted to bond with me too the last time we were together. Asked me to put some weight on for him as well. Actually alot of nerve if he just wants sex and fun. I dated when I was in my 20's a little bit mostly long term relationships. And he tells me what to do. And did I mention he asked me for my pin number to my phone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 73
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

He contradicts himself alot. Yes I have already become attached. He talked about that he wanted to bond with me too the last time we were together. Asked me to put some weight on for him as well. Actually alot of nerve if he just wants sex and fun. I dated when I was in my 20's a little bit mostly long term relationships. And he tells me what to do. And did I mention he asked me for my pin number to my phone.

 

The more you write, the worse this gets.

 

Asking you to change you body to suit him is downright insulting, OP. It implies that he doesn't like you the way you are.

 

Asking for your pin is a big no-no. You hardly know him; what right does he have to access your private devices? Please tell me you didn't give it to him!

 

You don't see it now because your hurt is clouding your vision, but this dude is seriously shady and he is exploiting your naivety (sorry to be blunt) and increasingly evident low self-esteem. He's not a good person.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The more you write, the worse this gets.

 

Asking you to change you body to suit him is downright insulting, OP. It implies that he doesn't like you the way you are.

 

Asking for your pin is a big no-no. You hardly know him; what right does he have to access your private devices? Please tell me you didn't give it to him!

 

You don't see it now because your hurt is clouding your vision, but this dude is seriously shady and he is exploiting your naivety (sorry to be blunt) and increasingly evident low self-esteem. He's not a good person.

 

I didn't give him my pin number to my phone. I thought he liked me thinner the way I am. Yeah I feel self conscious now about my body because I thought he liked me at my current weight ugh. If it's just sex he should not be asking for these things right? He asked me if I told my friends about him and was disappointed that I hadn't told them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He contradicts himself alot. Yes I have already become attached. He talked about that he wanted to bond with me too the last time we were together. Asked me to put some weight on for him as well. Actually alot of nerve if he just wants sex and fun. I dated when I was in my 20's a little bit mostly long term relationships. And he tells me what to do. And did I mention he asked me for my pin number to my phone.

 

Is there a part of you that finds it exciting to be controlled by a man?

Link to post
Share on other sites

He sounds like a jerk, scammer. Is this some sort of BDSM thing for you where you hand over your dignity, body and passcodes? Why are you bitterly complaining about him post after post, then claim you're attached to that?

 

You're a middle aged woman. You know about relationships and scammers and abusive remarks. Why would you even admit to your friends you are hooking up with an abusive scammer like this?

He contradicts himself alot. he tells me what to do. he asked me for my pin number to my phone.
Link to post
Share on other sites
Is there a part of you that finds it exciting to be controlled by a man?

I like control but starting to realize he has no right to be like that if he doesn't want a committed relationship. He told me he has to be in control. That's one of the reasons that he's turned off by commitments because women like to do there own thing to much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He sounds like a jerk, scammer. Is this some sort of BDSM thing for you where you hand over your dignity, body and passcodes? Why are you bitterly complaining about him post after post, then claim you're attached to that?

 

You're a middle aged woman. You know about relationships and scammers and abusive remarks. Why would you even admit to your friends you are hooking up with an abusive scammer like this?

 

He's very dominant and says he needs the control. No I'm not into BDSM. I have feelings for him. We do have things in common more so. I am embarrassed to tell my friends that I am hooking up with him and now have feelings etc. My friends think of me as a together person.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So it's just kinky hookups. And you know it. It sounds like you keep texting one-liners because he's not available at the moment.

He's very dominant and says he needs the control. I am embarrassed to tell my friends that I am hooking up with him and now have feelings etc.
Link to post
Share on other sites
So it's just kinky hookups. And you know it. It sounds like you keep texting one-liners because he's not available at the moment.

 

For me it is not kinky hookups. I have feelings and am attached to him. I plan on telling one of my girl friends about him today.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He's very dominant and says he needs the control. No I'm not into BDSM. I have feelings for him. We do have things in common more so. I am embarrassed to tell my friends that I am hooking up with him and now have feelings etc. My friends think of me as a together person.

 

So you enjoy being dominated and being with someone who claims to "need" control? It's not a need. It's a want. He wants control. Do you want to be with someone who wants to control you? Are you willing to accept the downsides of someone who wants to control you. 'I have feelings for him" is irrelevant - it's a combination of head and heart. What does your head tell you to do and how do you choose to combine head and heart? You're old enough to know that solely acting on feelings is not always in your best interest, right?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I didn't give him my pin number to my phone. I thought he liked me thinner the way I am. Yeah I feel self conscious now about my body because I thought he liked me at my current weight ugh. If it's just sex he should not be asking for these things right? He asked me if I told my friends about him and was disappointed that I hadn't told them.

 

He shouldn't be asking for things even if it were not just about sex. That's what you're not getting. The things you describe have no place in a healthy relationship.

 

This man pushed the envelope to see what he could get away with. He no doubt sensed that you don't have firm boundaries and he wanted to see what you would be willing to do. He's a creep. He's zeroed in you for specific reasons, and I fear that they're not flattering ones.

 

And yes, please do tell your friends about him. They might be able to help you better identify bad seeds in the future and encourage you to stay away from them, as you seem unable to see red flags on your own. You mentioned earlier that you dated your in 20s, but given that you're 49 now, what has happened in the intervening years that you haven't had relationships in so long?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, talk to your friends about it. I'm sure you are a together person in many ways, but your friends are there because they love you, not because they expect you to be perfect. I think you already know this has got out of hand, and you could use your friends support.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He shouldn't be asking for things even if it were not just about sex. That's what you're not getting. The things you describe have no place in a healthy relationship.

 

This man pushed the envelope to see what he could get away with. He no doubt sensed that you don't have firm boundaries and he wanted to see what you would be willing to do. He's a creep. He's zeroed in you for specific reasons, and I fear that they're not flattering ones.

 

And yes, please do tell your friends about him. They might be able to help you better identify bad seeds in the future and encourage you to stay away from them, as you seem unable to see red flags on your own. You mentioned earlier that you dated your in 20s, but given that you're 49 now, what has happened in the intervening years that you haven't had relationships in so long?

 

To be honest I have told him no about somethings and changed my mind to give into what he wants. I was in a 9yrs live in relationship that ended badly. And decided to be single up until now. He has no right to ask for anything I get it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes, talk to your friends about it. I'm sure you are a together person in many ways, but your friends are there because they love you, not because they expect you to be perfect. I think you already know this has got out of hand, and you could use your friends support.

 

I did tell a girlfriend about him today. She said I should just take care of me and handle my business not to worry about him. I didn't expect to get feelings for him and becoming attached.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Take a step back from a moment and try to look at this as if your friend was the one in the relationship. What would you tell her?

 

1. You admit to being emotionally attached and wanted more.

2. He believe you "can't ever please a woman" and says he doesn't want more.

3. He accuses you of only wanting sex, yet he never turns down that sex. And if he doesn't want more, then what is this but a friendship with sex? You are the one with the extra feelings, yet he is ignoring those feelings and making accusations.

4. He gets upset over soda? Then makes it about sex? Doesn't sound too mature.

5. You say he is bitter towards women.

6. He is telling you how you should look - weight, clothes, etc. That's controlling.

7. When you do tell him no, he doesn't listen and you give in. Again, controlling.

8. Asking for your pin number? He doesn't want to get serious, but he's trying to get personal information. Again, controlling.

 

None of this sounds like a healthy relationship. It's causing you a lot of anxiety. You are going over every little thing in your mind, trying to figure out why he does it and how you can change things. But you can't change him if that is who he is. A relationship should not be causing you this much agony. Someone who really cares would not put you through all this. They would be treating you as an equal, working with you to make sure you are both getting what you need from it. He seems like he has issues to work out, especially regarding women. He isn't going to give you the serious relationship you want. So you need to step away for your own health. Right now he is a drug that is only going to do you more harm.

 

There's nothing wrong with liking someone younger. There is nothing wrong with liking someone more dominant. But a true "alpha male" knows how to and when to be loving as well. He is supportive and kind. He is reassuring and trusts the women he is with. That is what separates real men from those that are just jerks. This person is being the jerk, trying to control everything and getting mad at you over nothing. Please, don't continue.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Take a step back from a moment and try to look at this as if your friend was the one in the relationship. What would you tell her?

 

1. You admit to being emotionally attached and wanted more.

2. He believe you "can't ever please a woman" and says he doesn't want more.

3. He accuses you of only wanting sex, yet he never turns down that sex. And if he doesn't want more, then what is this but a friendship with sex? You are the one with the extra feelings, yet he is ignoring those feelings and making accusations.

4. He gets upset over soda? Then makes it about sex? Doesn't sound too mature.

5. You say he is bitter towards women.

6. He is telling you how you should look - weight, clothes, etc. That's controlling.

7. When you do tell him no, he doesn't listen and you give in. Again, controlling.

8. Asking for your pin number? He doesn't want to get serious, but he's trying to get personal information. Again, controlling.

 

None of this sounds like a healthy relationship. It's causing you a lot of anxiety. You are going over every little thing in your mind, trying to figure out why he does it and how you can change things. But you can't change him if that is who he is. A relationship should not be causing you this much agony. Someone who really cares would not put you through all this. They would be treating you as an equal, working with you to make sure you are both getting what you need from it. He seems like he has issues to work out, especially regarding women. He isn't going to give you the serious relationship you want. So you need to step away for your own health. Right now he is a drug that is only going to do you more harm.

 

There's nothing wrong with liking someone younger. There is nothing wrong with liking someone more dominant. But a true "alpha male" knows how to and when to be loving as well. He is supportive and kind. He is reassuring and trusts the women he is with. That is what separates real men from those that are just jerks. This person is being the jerk, trying to control everything and getting mad at you over nothing. Please, don't continue.

 

No he doesn't turn down the sex. But yes accuses me of only being in to him for the sex. The last time we had sex he said he wanted to bond with me. Yes I didn't think about him wanting a soda because I think of him as just sex he said it under his breath. Yes he gets upset if I wear my hair up and will take it down things like that. He told me that he needs to be in control always. But he doesn't think that he's dominant I asked him the last time we were together. Yes he wanted my pin number to look in my phone. He has no right too I get it wants to snoop like he's my boyfriend right? He told me age is not a issue earlier. I get the idea that maybe he's been talking about me to someone. I am freaking out actually because I wonder what he's doing in between getting together. Lots of anxiety wondering what he's going to say and do next.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes he gets upset if I wear my hair up and will take it down things like that. He told me that he needs to be in control always.

 

Lots of anxiety wondering what he's going to say and do next.

 

You don't find any of the above (and all of his other weird behaviour) disturbing in any way? Serious question.

 

If you already have so much anxiety about him what exactly makes you want him? It makes no sense whatsoever. That kind of anxiety would be a massive warning sign to most women and make them head in the opposite direction. So much of this entire saga makes no sense.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like you're taking the passive way out as if feelings are a car wash and you didn't expect it so now you just have to go with the feelings. Nope. You're an adult woman . There are many many times you don't expect to feel a certain way because we can't control our feelings. You have control over your reactions. Don't play the "I'm a wilting flower of emotions and I can't help myself but let this man control me." That's a silly game you're playing with yourself. You get to choose the reaction to now feeling emotionally attached. What is your choice? You can help yourself. You have to want to, you have to implement. It's not easy but yes it is that simple once you stop the whole cop out approach.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You don't find any of the above (and all of his other weird behaviour) disturbing in any way? Serious question.

 

If you already have so much anxiety about him what exactly makes you want him? It makes no sense whatsoever. That kind of anxiety would be a massive warning sign to most women and make them head in the opposite direction. So much of this entire saga makes no sense.

 

I get the sense this doesn't have so much to about him, but more about the OP.

She has become intensely attached and experiencing a good case seperation anxiety over someone so underserving.

No shame in that, but something worth looking into, sorting out why and working through.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
You don't find any of the above (and all of his other weird behaviour) disturbing in any way? Serious question.

 

If you already have so much anxiety about him what exactly makes you want him? It makes no sense whatsoever. That kind of anxiety would be a massive warning sign to most women and make them head in the opposite direction. So much of this entire saga makes no sense.

yes it is frustrating actually because he has no right to do these things. I have so much anxiety right now just wondering what he is doing right now when we are not getting together. I am just not sure that I can leave him alone.
Link to post
Share on other sites
yes it is frustrating actually because he has no right to do these things. I have so much anxiety right now just wondering what he is doing right now when we are not getting together. I am just not sure that I can leave him alone.

 

Of course he has the right. Many couples have this dynamic -doesn't make it healthy. The question is since it is not right for you -doesn't work for you -why are you tolerating it? Of course you can leave him alone -again it's your choice.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...