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Co worker is putting me in awkward position


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One of my co worker was married to another woman for few years when i stated working with him..Then his wife left him and is not pregnant with another man. They are divorced now. As soon as his wife left him, he started pursing me but i was not interested. So I told him that I'm not available. I was not in relationship with anyone but I was casually dating. I thought that would be the end of that. periodically he started joking saying he will wait for until I am single. after a while he would ignore the fact that I told him that I'm not single and tried to message me outside work but would always ignore his messages because i did not want to lead him on. He even sent flirty message to which ignored. Then the following day he was like I won't bother you anymore, you're not interested . That was the end of that for while but he would continue to make light jokes here and there.

 

 

Until one day when i tried buying food from him( he sells food on the side) and when it was time to call me for payment arrangements, he asked me why are not together if we are both single and said that is the reason why he called me. I told him that I thought this was strictly business and said I'm not single( which was a lie) and if i were single i don't like being involved with co workers which is true because i like to keep work and personal life separate. He said he understands and backed off for while but will make light jokes about us getting married.

 

Recently he was on sick leave because he hurt his leg and as soon as he came he asked me why i never texted him to see if he was okay. I thought about checking up on him but decided against it because I didn't want to send the wrong signals. now he has been persistance again telling me he wants me in his life and he needs a women. I asked him if he's forgotten what i told him before to which he replied..that was before, this is now

 

He also told me that he is trying to lose weight for me. Also, his birth day is coming soon and he has been asking me what I'm getting from him. He also said he wants us to have candle night dinner together at his house...to which I'm not going. I know I haven't told him point blank that I'm not interested in dating him because I don't want to hurt his feelings. And cause tension at work.I was just hoping he will give up and move on

 

today i have to tell him point blank I am not intrested which will put me in awkward position..i hate confrantation

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Sorry to hear this he sounds quite obnoxious and inappropriate. Try to shut this down much more than you have been. For example do not do business with him, stop communicating except for work and ONLY about work.

 

Stop stringing him along. If you enjoy the attention and flirting, you need to find men OUTSIDE of work to flirt with.

 

One of my co worker. He even sent flirty message to which ignored. I know I haven't told him point blank that I'm not interested in dating him because I don't want to hurt his feelings.
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I know I haven't told him point blank that I'm not interested in dating him because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

 

You're going to have to do so.

 

He's not taking hints, however more direct they're becoming. Be firm. Tell him you are not interested in him and please stop contacting you for personal reasons. Full stop. I know you don't want to hurt him, but keep in mind he doesn't really care about bull-dozing over your previous indications to back off.

 

If he keeps it up, go to H.R., if your workplace has such a department.

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Yes, it's always uncomfortable to have these sorts of conversations, but keep in mind you wouldn't have to if he had taken your "not interested" as a cue to never bother you again.

 

In the past, I had to deal with a few guys at work who I tried to be nice to when explaining how with one, I didn't want him touching my head or shoulders, which he would do if he came in to my office and I was sitting down. And another who brought me a gift of clothing and then ice-cream. Since being nice to let them know their attention wasn't wanted didn't work, I had to be firmer and basically meaner for them to finally get the message.

 

In your case, I'd probably say: I've told you we're only co-workers and that's all it will ever be. I don't mix business with my personal life. From now on, I'd like our discussions to stick to work issues only. Do you understand?

 

If he argues the point, tell him you were hoping it wouldn't go as far as you having to report him to H.R., but you will since you gave him a warning and it's making your work-life uncomfortable. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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You need to be more insistent that you are not interested in him. He seems thick as a brick. You cant dance around this and expect him to figure it out, or he would have backed off by now.

 

No more buying food from him, avoid him as much as you can. You re going to have to stand up to him and be more forceful in saying NO. Block him from messaging you.

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PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! Tell him that his comments need to stop...and don't be shy about it. Then go to HR or your supervisor to report the harassment. Explain that you have told him to stop, and that you never encouraged this behavior. Let them know if he doesn't stop it, you will be coming back to report him again and want something done about it.

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The "I don't want to make things awkward" ship has sailed long ago. It is patently awkward.

 

You will have to be very blunt and direct and tell him flat out that you are not interested in him. Do not cloak it in terms like you don't date coworkers because that implies to him that you are interested and he can then try to push through that boundary and force himself on you. It would also be a good time to tell him point blank that his behavior toward you is well out of line and if he continues, you will go to HR.

 

When someone tries to bulldoze your boundaries, sometimes you really do have to pull out the hammer and actually hammer them hard. It's the only way these types of people get the message. When you try to be nice and polite, he perceives it as encouragement to carry on.

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You know way too much about his personal life. You need to shut down all that chitchat. Keep in mind employers can and do read office communications. Be careful not to become the water cooler joke about the office wolf targeting you because you entertain him this much, interact outside the office and communicate personally.

 

The workplace is not a dating site. So why are you talking to him about his marital problems and your dating life? The workplace is not a social services facility where you listen to his dating issues and "feel sorry for him".

 

It sounds like you are flattered by the attention, but the other women in the office that he most likely also hits on were wise enough to shut him down asap.

 

The workplace is for work. keep it that way and keep it professional. Stop discussing your love life with him. Instead get on some dating apps. Do not threaten him with HR, you have done nothing to discourage this, so it looks like you welcome and condone it, since you know just about everything regarding his marriage, dating etc.

One of my co worker was married to another woman for few years when i stated working with him..Then his wife left him and is not pregnant with another man. They are divorced now. As soon as his wife left him, he started pursing me but i was not interested. So I told him that I'm not available.

 

Until one day when i tried buying food from him( he sells food on the side) and when it was time to call me for payment arrangements, he asked me why are not together if we are both single and said that is the reason why he called me.

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Be very direct!

 

You should have distanced yourself as much as possible- not buying things from him and having personal chit chat. I would also tell him if he doesn't back off, you will have to go to HR.

 

Boundaries!

Edited by Hollyj
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Be polite but direct.

 

Your next discussion will need to be with your supervisor if he does not stop.

 

This isn't your fault but you did leave the door open when you told him you were unavailable. Next time be polite but honest and tell who ever that you are not interested. Buying food from him needs to stop as well.

 

He will go away once you are firm and to the point.

 

Lost

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After stating numerous times that you're "not interested" it appears you continue to engage in conversations and keep him within arms reach, so to speak.

 

I'm sorry, but you're playing directly into his hand, therefore you're allowing these advances. In short, it's time to own your part in this.

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You can buy food from other businesses. Do not buy from him again, because any contact aside on what is necessary for work is showing interest in his eyes.

 

Is this a big corporate office or a small place of business? Do you HAVE to talk to him to do your job? (are you on the same collaborating team or do you report to one another?).

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Thank you guys for your response and insights. I do agree that I'm not being firm with him and being more firm will get him to back off as he's clearly not getting the hint. However, i do not think I've encouraged him either because any contact he has tried to initiate that isn't work related I've ignored. at some point he sent flirty texts to which I ignored and he hasn't tried to contact me outside work since i never encourage it when he tried. As far as his business goes, he cooks and sells meals as side hastle every now and then usually announce it other co workers as well. so who ever is interested he will prepare something for them at work along with mine so this exchange took place at work. Except for one time when i didn't have cash on me and he suggested I pay him using E transfer so I had to message him asking for his email so i can process the payment and the exchange was strictly business. Then after he confirmed that he received the payment , he thanked me. Which was followed by him calling me to which I ignored

 

As far as his personal life goes, I found out through a grapevine. His ex wife also works for the same company but different departments. I don't really engage in personal conversations with him. The only thing he has told me that is now single and gave me his number. But I told him that I'm not single and never called him and he said he understands.. then backed off for a while but has continued holding up hope. And at some point ignored the fact that I told him that I'm not single. The flirty comments he makes at work every now and then I usually just laugh them off as joke or change the subject.At some point he stops making flirtly comments or try to get with me and seem to be given up then it starts again so yes, I know that I need to be firm and he is taking my politeness as maybe or i might change my mind later

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You can buy food from other businesses. Do not buy from him again, because any contact aside on what is necessary for work is showing interest in his eyes.

 

Is this a big corporate office or a small place of business? Do you HAVE to talk to him to do your job? (are you on the same collaborating team or do you report to one another?).

it's big cooperation and we work in the same related departments where I have to talk to him for work related

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You've handled this in the mature, polite manner. You've asked him nicely to stop and said you were not interested. Most people would have gotten the hint by now. Unfortunately, he is refusing to listen. While it's uncomfortable, the only thing to do is be firm and put your foot down. You need to make it absolutely clear, in no uncertain terms, that you are not interested nor will you become interested. He needs to hear that his behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. If it continues, it could be considered harassment and I think it would be fair to warn him that HR could get involved. Hopefully that won't be needed, but at least put the fear into him. From there, avoid him unless it's work related and then keep it strictly business. Cut off any chit-chat should it start. Make him see that you aren't interested in anything beyond the bare minimum needed to do the job. Anything more and he'll likely keep taking it as a sign to pursue you again.

 

Sorry you are going through this. Hope he can let this go and let you have some peace.

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She did not tell him to stop, she told him she was seeing someone at the moment. That's the problem. Leading him on and encouraging his attention.

 

You can't run to HR with false accusations.

You've asked him nicely to stop and said you were not interested. [/Quote]
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She did not tell him to stop, she told him she was seeing someone at the moment. That's the problem. Leading him on and encouraging his attention.

 

You can't run to HR with false accusations.

 

I agree. She also should not have been buying products, i don't care what others were doing.

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I think he thinks because you said you’re not single and seem friendly when he tries to flirt (by laughing / not acting offended), he thinks if you were single he would have a chance.

 

Definitely time to act outwardly offended when he tried to flirt and tell him that is not appropriate and you will go to HR if he does it again at or outside of work.

 

Also being polite (as women tend to be even when the other person is making them uncomfortable, ESPECIALLY when the other person makes them uncomfortable), you might try to apologise for “misleading” him or giving him the wrong impression or haven’t been more firm. Don’t. That just gives him more reason to think he wasn’t in the wrong in continuously coming on to you. Just say stop, no more. And leave it at that.

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The flirty comments he makes at work every now and then I usually just laugh them off as joke or change the subject.

 

Stop laughing them off. Halt the convo and say, "That makes me uncomfortable, please stop."

 

Avoid any convo beyond business, and stop buying stuff from the guy.

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The tension at work is what HE is doing!

The annoying idiot is clueless :/.

 

I thought you have told him - multiple times.. you are not available? He should accept that & leave you alone.

 

This is what he is clearly saying, IMO..

he needs a woman

 

He plain out, just needs a woman. ( I guess he is lonely & desperate.. sad, sad man ).

 

But YOU are good to stand your ground.. I agree. Work is work.. I never got involved with co-workers either!

 

Be honest and be blunt . He is not for you.

 

I also suggest, if he doesn't stop- to inform the boss/manager that he is ongoing making YOU feel awkward there, and you are just trying to do your job- thats it.

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I will stop buying his food and laughing at his comments and halt them going forward. I also want to add that he has asked me point blank if I will date him if I was single before. I told him no because I'm against dating co workers because it changes the work place environment and if something happens then you're forced to see that person and I don't want tension at work. He said he understand and see what i mean and back off for a while. Which is true especially considering that fact I've been with the company for 8 years, have build up my senority and have medical benefits. So quitting is not an option which why I try to avoid office romance like plaque

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It seems like you are quite flattered and enjoy all the attention. This has nothing to do with seniority or medical benefits.

 

It seems you may not want to date him but you enjoy flirting and the attention. You don't have to shut this down, but having the office wolf after you is not great gossip for the office.

 

Why don't you have a bf or date? Why make up stories or be coy about things?

I will stop buying his food and laughing at his comments and halt them going forward.
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I do not enjoy the attention, I usually just find it easier to say I'm not available or don't date co workers which is true than outright saying i'm not interested in dating you. And this usually work in other cases and some men back off and leave it alone. it's not comfortable having a conversation like that for me if i don't have to, so I usually try that and if doesn't work then outright reject them which isn't fun for me. which i have to do in the case unfortunately

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