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Sticksnstone

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This one is going to be a long story so buckle up!!

 

My life has been a bit of a whirlwind, I'm in my early 20s and everything was going smoothly, career started doing well and then I was diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness. Normal life of hanging out with friends, parties, getting promoted quickly turned into hospital visits hooked up to IV and living on a oxygen concentrator. I've had relationships before, but once this happened I kind of figured nobody would EVER be interested in someone like me.

 

But then I met this guy. We were introduced through a programme that was designed to help people out of disadvantaged situations (his family run it).

 

First time I saw him, he was a total jerk. Up himself, arrogant and only had time for people who were rich, healthy and living that 'perfect' life just like him. He looked at me like he hated me with vengeance, it was very weird. But his mum was lovely and I stayed in touch with the family. Over the past year or two they've been helping me build up a business for myself through a foundation they setup when his dad died from a very similar illness to mine.

 

But the last few times I've been with him hes been different. He's still a snob to everybody around him, haughty and thinks hes too good for most people around him. But hes been acting differently towards me and I'm trying to figure out why.

 

Whereas before he would shoot glares like he wanted to punch me now hes going out of his way to spend time with me and be really, really sweet.

 

Last time I was with him he didn't leave my side the entire time. He was smiling, laughing at every joke I made. Kept opening doors, pulling out chairs for me. Asking if I was ok. Being protective and caring in a way I had never expected anybody to be toward me, least of all him. And I dont know... I've been in relationships before and I just felt that feeling. That spark you cant quite put your finger on.

 

I realised we were flirting when his mum starting getting a bit ly with me, in that 'stop flirting with my son's kind of way.

 

There was this moment where we had a problem with my IV line (it's quite normal, so much so my own family didnt even blink) and he looked like he was going to have a heart attack!

 

His level of concern for me was totally shocking. I'm so confused!

 

I feel the grief coming from him, he misses his dad. And I wonder if hes just feeling protective toward me because he wants his dad back. He sees me sick and it's some way of grieving. I feel he cares about me, but I cant figure out if it's because he likes me or just because he misses his dad.

 

It's a bit of a weird situation! I've suddenly seen a side to him that I never realised was there. Hes the opposite of me in every way. Healthy, handsome, wealthy - he's a Mr Darcy stereotype. He has everything that I want. And I wonder if it's just a bit of wishful thinking on my part!

 

So thoughts would be really helpful, please be gentle. I've not spoken about this to anyone.

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He's still a snob to everybody around him, haughty and thinks hes too good for most people around him.

 

That right there is a red flag worth paying attention to. How a person chooses to treat others is a direct reflection of that person's character. To me, it suggests that if this guy doesn't believe he has something to gain from someone else, then he will choose to treat that person poorly.

 

If I were to guess, the sudden change in his behavior towards you cause he now believes he has something to gain from you. It now behooves him to do what he must to stay within your good graces because you have something he is after. What that could be, I have no idea, but please do not confuse his sudden change in behavior towards you to be a complete transformation of his character. His character has not changed, his poor treatment of others is proof of this.

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Sorry you're going through this. He and his family seem like very compassionate people, not "rich snobs". I do not think it's pity, but also do not think it's love or him grieving his father.

 

It's understandable given his compassion, that you would have a crush on him. Hopefully his family, their foundation, compassion and kindness are an inspiration to you.

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First impressions are usually fairly spot on. I mean, you've already admitted that he's not changed hardly much at all. He is still snobby, etc. That alone would be worth noting as it's not someone who would be a good choice for a partner, not even a friend.

 

As to how he feels and what his behavior means. It's so open to interpretation, it really would be a guess on our part. Without asking him or without knowing him, or even being there, none of us could truly know.

 

I think to be fair to yourself, see his behavior as a friend. Appreciate his kindness, but don't try to turn it into a romance. In every which way you look at it, it's not an ideal situation and he isn't Mr. Darcy, he is a very confused guy who still has a lot of growing and maturing to do.

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I would like to think he's maturing into an adult male now that he's older than when you first met him, therefore he's gotten past the jerk stage but that may not be the case.

 

I would tread lightly, observe how he treats you and everyone else. If he's still rude or mean to others then you can see he hasn't changed all that much. Dont get hung up on him until you can feel more confident about how he is acting around everyone not just you. He does sound like a jerk to me, tho.

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First time I saw him, he was a total jerk. Up himself, arrogant and only had time for people who were rich, healthy and living that 'perfect' life just like him. He looked at me like he hated me with vengeance, it was very weird.

 

He's still a snob to everybody around him, haughty and thinks hes too good for most people around him. But hes been acting differently towards me and I'm trying to figure out why.

 

People are who they've always been. It is possible for mean people to be nice or do nice things. Maybe he does care about you or thinks he has to be different to impress you. But can you trust it? What's to stop him from switching back and being rude to you again? And do you want to get close to someone who treats others that way? I'll always root for people to be able to change, but they have to make the effort in everything they do. He isn't. Plenty of people get stuck in the mindset of "but it's different with me." That way leads to pain. He is who he has always been, an arrogant jerk. Think carefully before getting any closer.

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people change behaviours change, a criminal also gets a chance by law, everybody has that choice to make to live a respectful life a life with dignity, loving self and helping others.

Sometimes life teaches us in a strange way of its own.

But some people dont change they wear a mask and keep living their lives.

So always be watchful of your well being and take the right decision when it matters for you.

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Unfortunately it seems like wishful thinking. He and his family are kind and generous to you because that's who they are and that's how he was raised.

 

It's normal to want to turn your story into a Cinderella story. Your depiction of him as a jerk and snob to everyone else is pretty callous considering how much he and his family have helped you.

 

Perhaps all these assumptions about "looks" and "glares" and "as if" help you confirm your Cinderella story that a former "rich snob" now has a crush on you.

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First, I am really sorry about your illness. I hope being apart of this program is helping your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

 

My intent for this isn't to come across as harsh, but I think you are trying to create a love story in your head similar to the one you described in your post – the haughty young man who is actually kind and generous beneath the exterior of pride and the young woman who is prejudiced against him because of his arrogant demeanor fall in love and live happily ever after on their estate in the English countryside. However, what I actually see is a family devoted to helping those who suffer from the same ailment their loved one passed from, and you are one of many whose lives they are hoping to improve in memory of their husband/father.

 

I would also avoid labeling people based on your perceptions (calling him a jerk, a snob, haughty, etc) because your opinion on what constitutes these labels may greatly differ from someone else’s, and you are setting yourself up to be labeled as rude and judgmental.

 

Additionally, I think these thoughts and feelings are quite normal given your situation and wanting to find your fairy tale ending given all you have had to deal with. Keep focusing on your physical and mental health as that is what is most important.

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I always try and give people the benefit of the doubt and let them move the bar either up or down.

 

In this case his treatment of others besides you is worrisome.

 

If your situation was not as it is how would you view him? Are you desiring compassion and caring so you have lowered the bar or is this real?

 

Think of it this way. Most people would never drink from a mud puddle but if you were dying of thirst as you walked through the desert and you came across a mud puddle that dirty water would look really good to you at that moment wouldn't it?

 

No matter his intentions or what you are reading into them I think you need a friend right now more than anything else don't you? If he proves himself to be a true friend and you get to know the real person he is deep down then you can answer your own question.

 

Best wishes

 

Lost

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He sounds like a Sheldon Cooper. Disinterested, aloof, arrogant, seemingly snobbish. It took the willingness of Amy Farrah Fowler to pull him out of his shell. Maybe you are his Amy...only time will tell. Remember no matter how horrible Sheldon seemed, he had friends that cared about him. maybe he has an anxiety disorder, and being the way he is is a coping mechanism.

 

I say the death of his father may have had him take a look at his own mortality, and what he is doing with his life...maybe he values it more, and want to be more open to relationships, friendships, and be more compassionate, etc.

 

Is it romantic interest? who knows. ...best of luck.

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His family is partial to you because they had a family member also pass from a similar illness. You also have a new business that has ties to their foundation. There's a business and personal connection there. I wouldn't read into his behaviour. His mother may be looking out for the both of you, not just her son.

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He is still a jerk to others.. yah, nice guy :/.

 

Like others have said.. tread carefully. If he's been kinda nice to you, fine.

But dont assume too much.. IF this were to flourish and he's still so rude ( like he was at one point with you). I would not be thinking of going further with anyone like this.

 

BTW.. sorry for your challenges... Self care

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  • 4 weeks later...

I agree with JenCrowley. There's something he wants, and he is changing his tune to stay in your good graces. I don't know what he wants, but there is a reason for this turnaround. He seems rather sociopathic or narcissistic. They know how to charm when it suits them and have no remorse or moral compass when treating others poorly when they do not serve a purpose. You state he used to look at you with "hatred with a vengeance," and now all of a sudden he's a kitten. I don't get it. And here you are, getting the "feels." Of course you are. I would too. You need to step outside of this bubble and continue to pay attention to his behaviors towards people outside of his new behavior towards you, and of course how he used to treat you, look at you, and how he made you feel...pretty crappy. People don't change easily, and you know, maybe he is all fluffies and bunnies with a hard, ly shell, or maybe he's just a jerk. This has the feel of walking straight into an abusive relationship. It's just a matter of time when you don't produce whatever it is he seeks that he starts reverting back to his old ways and you become his verbal/emotional punching bag and he starts glaring at you again, blowing you off, ignoring you, saying mean things, gaslighting...the list goes on. Maybe he'll set his sights on someone else. You are vulnerable, and I think you need to be extra cautious with this one because of that.

 

I hope I'm wrong. Maybe it could be a Sheldon/Amy situation, but let's keep in mind, Amy does all the compromising in that relationship and her needs are never really fulfilled because Sheldon is impossible. It's great entertainment, but not something I would want to deal with in real life.

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