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Hello guys this is my second thered here, if you already know my ex bf breakup with me few weeks ago, I will take it short and ask for what I want to know now, so since the breakup he wanted to remain best friends as we used to be I agreed because I was afraid of making wrong decision , we talk daily and he said he still have feelings for me but he never bring the come back together thing , however I find myself thinking about him and what he is doing and wondering why he not talking if few hours passed, I also want to mention that I'm not sure if I want him back but this feeling makes me sad whenever I'm happy

Thanks.

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If it's hurting you, yes back off. Unfortunately you wish to be back in a relationship but he is only offering friendship.

 

My advice about staying friends remains the same:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=566410&p=7243922&viewfull=1#post7243922

 

he wanted to remain best friends as we used to be I agreed ,he never bring the come back together thing
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You simply cannot go from a long term relationship to just friends simply because you cannot turn those feelings off like a switch. When you break up, you really do need to take some serious time away from each other to heal and move on, and then you might revisit if you still want to be friends or not. Chances are, that by then your head and emotions have cleared enough that you actually will not be interested in that anyway.

 

The other thing is that you cannot stay bff with an ex because that will stop you from finding a new partner and a relationship. People will see your situation as major unfinished business, rather toxic and will run like their hair is on fire.

 

Finally, what he is doing is using you to get over you. He dumped you because he decided that you and him are not right for the long run. He didn't make that decision lightly, OP. He thought about it long and hard before ending things. However, he is happy to use the parts of you that he does like without any obligation or commitment. So where does that leave you? Stuck and confused, right? Hoping he'll change his mind. All it really does is stop you from healing and moving and finding the right guy for yourself when you are ready for that.

 

Imo, you shouldn't just back off, you should walk away completely at least for a good year. No contact, no talking, no nothing. You pretty much have to wean yourself off this relationship. Now if in a year or so, you run into each other and friendship would work, carry on. Just do be honest with yourself that you are truly over all romantic feelings. Ask yourself a simple question, "if he starts to gush about a new girl he met, how will you feel?" If you would be genuinely happy for him and supportive of his new relationship, then you truly have reached a level of platonic friends only. If there is even a tinge of pain, jealousy, hurt - don't go there and don't try to stay "friends".

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I mean is there a polite way to do it without hurting anybody?

Should I try to distance myself or tell him directly, I try to tell hom once but he said we will think about each other more, and that I'm a special person in his life and he don't want to lose me, so I hesitated and stayed his friend

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I mean is there a polite way to do it without hurting anybody?

Should I try to distance myself or tell him directly, I try to tell hom once but he said we will think about each other more, and that I'm a special person in his life and he don't want to lose me, so I hesitated and stayed his friend

 

How would you be hurting him when he dumped you?

 

What he is telling you is basically trying to let you down easy and trying to comfort you about the break up, which really does nothing more than make him feel better and leave you confused. In reality, he ended things because he is 100% OK with losing you. He actually made that choice and went forward with it. Someone who doesn't want to lose you, will not break up with you and tell you that he doesn't see a future together.

 

How you end this contact nicely is by telling him that you cannot be his friend as it's not allowing you to heal from the break up and that you need to take care of yourself and wish him well in his life journey and healing and moving on as well. That from here on out, you'd appreciate that he doesn't contact you anymore. Then, if he disregards your polite request, go ahead and block him. If he genuinely cares about you, he will respect your request.

 

There are consequences to breaking up - mainly that the dumper loses the privilege of your friendship, love, and companionship. If he didn't want to lose that, he shouldn't have dumped you. He doesn't get to have it both ways, where he dumps you and still gets the best parts of you. Value yourself a bit more than that.

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If you want to stick around pretending to be friends, you'll have a front row seat when he starts dating someone else. And he will, guaranteed.

 

You're more worried about possibly upsetting him than you are about your own feelings and that's not good for you.

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You should be complete no contact. He dumped you, and now wants the benefit of a friendship. No way. He shows no concern for your feelings.

 

We already advised you on this. Go back and reread your old thread.

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I told him clear that I need a break from that friendship thing, he agreed since I told him I was emotionally not stable , thanks guys for your advice ,and wish me luck

 

You did the right thing, Mayo122. Friendship with an ex is plain awkward. It's best to move on without him.

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If you think taking time apart is best for you, then you should do it. But be aware that just because you don't see the person, doesn't mean you won't carry the same feelings in you for awhile. There will still be moments you miss him and want to reach out to him. The heart has to ride these feelings out and it takes time. You can't just cut someone out of your life, especially someone that you are really close to, without it having an affect on you as well. Things will slowly get better as you fill your life with other activities and focus on being happy with yourself. Allow yourself to go through the whole process of grieving a relationship. One day you will find yourself better off and hopefully be able to continue talking with him as a valued friend.

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You are not sure, if you want him back? Who said that is going to happen? And why would it?

 

Don't you feel that after crossing the line ( being his gf), and now back to just a 'friend', is a little difficult and awkward?

 

You are having trouble accepting because you have no break away from anything to do with him.

You are no longer involved.. so you dont mind when he gets involved again- seeing his new gf?

 

I often make a pact to not remain as friends, especially unless or until I Know I am over them.

Things went way past just a friendship and can be very hard to go backwards. :/.

 

Often I just have to walk away - and work on accepting it all and healing.

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So what does so-called friendship buy you? A continued fixed focus on him without any ability to heal, even while he enjoys the comfort of your contact as he moves forward.

 

The problem with immediately befriending an ex is that you only get two breakups out of the deal.

 

I'd tell him that I need no contact to heal, and when that changes, I'll let him know. Meanwhile I wish the best for him. If he ever changes his mind and wants the same commitment you do, he can let you know. Otherwise, you'll see him on your other side.

 

You don't need to play doormat in order to keep your door open. AND, your own needs should be more important to you than his at this time.

 

Head high.

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