His sex history and sex values make me feel emotionally unsafe

[Anon333]

That's a very large age gap and he's been honest with you from the start that he is somewhat promiscuous, he enjoys casual sex and he likes the type of women that enjoy casual sex.

 

That's not going to change.

 

Did you hope that it would change once you and he got involved? Because I say this with empathy, you really were kidding yourself.

 

This guy will continue to view sex as a hobby and want more than one partner as well as indulging in porn, etc. It's who he is and he never hid those things from you.

 

 

I wasn't really thinking that far ahead when we finally ended up sleeping together. I knew we had differences but I also knew he really liked me and was spending all his time with me. I was more curious and wanting to have fun and felt comfortable with him at that point to do that. He seemed way more into me than I was into him. but now that it is 4 months in I am starting to have feelings and want more. I guess that is why I am revisiting. I dont really regret anything and I dot think I was kidding myself. I was aware of everything I just wanted to see how things might possibly go. The time with him was great and Im sad its ending. I will be lonely especially with covid. I opened up with him sexually more than I have with anyone else so Im sad that part will be over as well. And he really has been a good friend and I know we both have feelings for each other. I think it is just a good point for me to take control and end as you've all said because he didnt communicate on his own he sees me seriously enough as Id need to continue. It feels weird that everyone is making me out to be this out of control confused weak person. I had genuine fun with him and i will be sad its ending, but it is not like relationships in my past where I was disillusioned.

[Batya33]

I don't think you are an out of control confused weak person. I think you are lying to yourself to rationalize settling for scraps because you like him and have fun with him and enjoy having sex with him.

[Anon333]

I dont think I am lying to myself either. I know what Ive gotten into and Ive been aware of it while doing it and Ive been enjoying it a lot. So of course Im going to analyze everything when I have been having fun and he is being clear he's not with anyone else because he likes me more than he has likes anyone in years. Im sorry but I believe that. It doesn't mean he is going to change for me and be a different person but it definitely makes me rethink if I can just enjoy the relationship a little longer while being very open and communicative. but I plan on talking to him tonight and laying it all out without really any fear cause there is nothing to lose. Im expectng it to end. But I am going to hear him out. Its in my nature to understand all sides if he has an outlook on things different than mine. But I am going to tell him we need to be honest with ourselves and what we want and be clear about how I feel. Up until really recently I really didnt know if I wanted anything serious with him either.

[SherrySher]

Just be honest with yourself from now on, that's all. Casual sex doesn't work for you as you need to be invested in someone and it be about intimacy and love.

He wants it just to be about fun and no commitment with more than one partner.

 

He may tell you for the time being that he is fine with it being just you and he, but that will change. He's not the type of guy to be happy with just one woman by the sounds of it.

 

You're on different pages in life.

[Anon333]

so I talked to him tonight and planned to leave him and he explained his side. he told me he considered me his girlfriend the first time we went camping. He also reminded me that the first time we started hanging out was in july and that's when I told him I only wanted to be friends, which is way shorter of a time period I thought we were being closer and intimate, and was partly why he's been cautious. So we have only really been intimate since near the end of August. He said he has been cautious because he doesn't want to get hurt but he thought things were going really well. He worried about me judging him for having casual relationships in the past but that he wants a relationship with me and that he is crushed and blindsided by me wanting to break up. I feel like I didnt explain the situation well enough for a full understanding of the situation and I dont think he is trying to play me for sex. he apologized for bringing up only fans how he did and explained how he is really comfortable with that kind of thing and how it is just a job and a way of making money and i explained my feelings. Yes we have different views on sex and we both voiced our concerns and I dont know if this will work out in the long run. But he made it clear he is devoted and crazy about me and wants this to work out if we can. and I feel the same. I truly appreciate everyone's input and maybe in a few weeks I will regret not breaking up. But although I am uncomfortable with his past a little I do feel like he is a good genuine person that really does want a committed relationship and is in this for the long run if that's a possibility.. Im really not looking for marriage. Im looking for a devoted partner and friend I can have fun with and trust. and I think there is still hope for us.

[MissCanuck]

I think you're doing an awful lot of mental gymnastics and bargaining with yourself because you know this doesn't feel right and you're not that compatible with him, but want to hang on to him.

[Tinydance]

I've just read literally the comments. Go me! Lol You seem very hooked on this guy so can I make a suggestion? Clearly you want a relationship and you are a relationship kind of person. Whenever you know you want something, maybe it's good to put a time frame on when you want to get it. And if you don't get it then you walk away. How much longer are you willing to keep seeing him without the actual boyfriend and girlfriend label? I think set yourself a time frame. E.g. in two months if he doesn't officially commit, I'm going to end it. Can I just say though. I think we all know/know of that book and movie "He's Just Not That Into You". The gist of that book is that men are not complicated. If they like a woman, they make it very obvious and clear and they commit. If a situation seems complicated, a guy is confusing you, you're not sure where you stand with him. It's actually not confusing - he's just not that into you. Sorry :(

[Wiseman2]

You're on the rebound. The attention and sex from someone 10 years younger feels good right now.

 

View this as a fun and interesting adventure. As long as you don't get emotionally involved, you'll be fine.

 

Why bother with defining the relationship? As long as you practice safe sex and are exclusive for the time being, it's fine.

 

You know this is a transitional and temporary situation, so enjoy it while it lasts until you both go back to your respective worlds and lifestyles.

[Batya33]

I dont think I am lying to myself either. I know what Ive gotten into and Ive been aware of it while doing it and Ive been enjoying it a lot. So of course Im going to analyze everything when I have been having fun and he is being clear he's not with anyone else because he likes me more than he has likes anyone in years. Im sorry but I believe that. It doesn't mean he is going to change for me and be a different person but it definitely makes me rethink if I can just enjoy the relationship a little longer while being very open and communicative. but I plan on talking to him tonight and laying it all out without really any fear cause there is nothing to lose. Im expectng it to end. But I am going to hear him out. Its in my nature to understand all sides if he has an outlook on things different than mine. But I am going to tell him we need to be honest with ourselves and what we want and be clear about how I feel. Up until really recently I really didnt know if I wanted anything serious with him either.

 

He is being honest with you in the sense that he does not want to be committed to you and he doesn't know if he ever will want to because he's not ready and has no even guesstimate about how long it will take. You're just ignoring it and doing the mental gymnastics -being dishonest with yourself. It's not inevitable to overthink at all because when two people are on the same page the conversations are super short about what they want and there's actually very little thought - just a lot of joy and excitement and feeling right about things.

 

The only reason you'd have to be "very open and communicative" (what a mouthful!) in order to "enjoy" the current arrangement is because he's not on the same page with you -if he were then silence would be the default because people on the same page don't need to communicate about the basic intentions and goals - just about how to implement them as life happens - you know, like job options/family events/vacations/relocating if that is an issue. My husband and I had one short conversation about what we wanted from each other. Really short. Meaning - in general terms - we wanted to be exclusive, we wanted to see if this would lead to marriage (which is not an essential part of a commitment conversation but it was to us), and we both wanted a child if that was in the cards. That conversation took less than 2-3 minutes. He initiated it. It's much much better -shoot me if I'm being too traditional -if the man initiates it and also -really important -if it has nothing to do with sex. We had this conversation 2 months before we had sex. Had nothing to do with those issues (meaning STD/pregnancy, etc).

 

(Please don't go there about everyone is different -it's true -everyone is -what is kinda true about most healthy people -they move towards pleasure and away from pain. So if this guy thought it would be unacceptably painful to be apart from you he'd make sure you knew simply and directly that he wanted only you, he wanted to shout it from the rooftops (and not like some silly label you bugged him about) and that even though there are millions of people on the planet, he has no desire to look around or keep his options open - he's happy and excited with what he has found in you.

[Batya33]

I've just read literally the comments. Go me! Lol You seem very hooked on this guy so can I make a suggestion? Clearly you want a relationship and you are a relationship kind of person. Whenever you know you want something, maybe it's good to put a time frame on when you want to get it. And if you don't get it then you walk away. How much longer are you willing to keep seeing him without the actual boyfriend and girlfriend label? I think set yourself a time frame. E.g. in two months if he doesn't officially commit, I'm going to end it. Can I just say though. I think we all know/know of that book and movie "He's Just Not That Into You". The gist of that book is that men are not complicated. If they like a woman, they make it very obvious and clear and they commit. If a situation seems complicated, a guy is confusing you, you're not sure where you stand with him. It's actually not confusing - he's just not that into you. Sorry :(

 

Yes, I agree with this too -an internal deadline -not an ultimatum. Great point.

[lostandhurt]

I am confused as why you cannot see what he is all about. He has been pretty open about it all and yet you still have this idea he is something other than what he is. You should not want to change him into what you want him to be so you can continue dating him.

 

If it is right then continue but if it is wrong then stop and date men that have the same ideas about relationships, sex, monogamy and family as you do.

 

I guess what I am saying is stop kidding yourself. This guy is fun and the sex is great but that is as far as it will ever go until you get hurt when he starts up his old lifestyle.

 

Lost

[Batya33]

I am confused as why you cannot see what he is all about. He has been pretty open about it all and yet you still have this idea he is something other than what he is. You should not want to change him into what you want him to be so you can continue dating him.

 

If it is right then continue but if it is wrong then stop and date men that have the same ideas about relationships, sex, monogamy and family as you do.

 

I guess what I am saying is stop kidding yourself. This guy is fun and the sex is great but that is as far as it will ever go until you get hurt when he starts up his old lifestyle.

 

Lost

 

I don't see where he stopped his old lifestyle -for right now he is not dating or having sex with anyone else Partly because of covid and partly because she asked him. So his lifestyle remains he's just temporarily not practicing it.

[catfeeder]

No matter our age or where we live, we've each learned one universal thing, and that's, "It's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt..."

 

So you've leaned into the fun and games, and you get to pick the point at which you'll spin the rules and hurt yourself.

 

You've picked your player, and while you can fantasize about changing him if you want, you get to decide the point at which it harms you too much to continue doing that.

[lostandhurt]

No matter our age or where we live, we've each learned one universal thing, and that's, "It's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt..."

 

So you've leaned into the fun and games, and you get to pick the point at which you'll spin the rules and hurt yourself.

 

You've picked your player, and while you can fantasize about changing him if you want, you get to decide the point at which it harms you too much to continue doing that.

 

Exactly!!!

 

Just don't kid yourself into thinking this will end with him being the man you were hoping to meet one day. Compromise is essential in any relationship but this is a bridge to far...

 

Lost