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His sex history and sex values make me feel emotionally unsafe


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I met someone over a year ago who was very forward in liking me and wanting to get to know me. At the time he wasn't my taste or style even though I thought he was very good looking, I was still getting over someone and this person was very different from who I date. First off I found out he is ten years younger than me, he also has many good looking friends who are woman who he is close to, some sex worker friends, some friends he casually has had sex with. I feel his younger generation of more open relationships and only fans pages and open sexuality differs from me in that i need to be more emotionally connected to have sex and I would not want to sell sex photos of myself or have casual partners for fun. Anyway, these are partly reasons I was always hesitant in dating him.

 

Fast forward a year later of us mostly just texting here and there and becoming friends, and then when covid hit, he became my hiking buddy. We started to hang out almost every week and go hike together and message each other more and more until months later we finally started to have an intimate relationship. I have always had a hard time being open sexually so I told him I have a low libido and that I wasn't sure we could match sexually but he has definitly heightened my libido and made me enjoy sex more than I usually have, partly because I took the time to get comfortable with him and get to know him. A couple months into us being intimate and hanging out at least twice a week we discussed being exclusive. I pretty much told him if he was still sleeping with other people I wouldn't be able to continue a physical relationship. He said that because of covid he couldn't and wouldn't be with other woman but he still wants some time to get to know me to know what he wants and if he wants a boyfriend/girlfriend real relationship. I was okay with that because Ive been unsure what I want and what I feel. But I also wanted to hear him say something sweet about only wanting to be with me...

 

Fast forward a couple more months, things have been really good and we've gotten even closer, which is making me nervous about getting hurt. So all together its been a year since he's known me and started texting and wanting to hang out and then 5 months of us being closer friends hiking together and getting to know each other and now 4 months of us sleeping together and acting like a couple. He invited me to meet his friends, we've gone camping and on road trips and we hang out all the time and he even wants to do a halloween costume together. I love the sex and his company but I have this anxiety that because he is hyper sexual more than me and has all these relationships with woman that he is sending sex videos and messages and flirting with them remotely. I also have this fear that if it weren't for covid maybe he'd still be sleeping with other people. He's mentioned to me that I should do an only fans page and it hurt my feelings knowing he has a bunch of girl friends that do it and that he would want to put myself out there. He seems to like me a lot but I want more emotional security. Maybe I am insecure. I just dont want to get hurt. I know I need to talk to him but Im really scared to bring anything up and not sure how. I was thinking of just straight out asking him if he sends sext texts and videos to other women.

 

There is a lot more too it all but that is the basics I could think of without this being way too long. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

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Well I see what you're saying because values and beliefs are actually important in a relationship. If you are very different from him regarding sexual and relationship values, plus you're ten years older, it may be an issue. How old are you and him? Then again, if he's like 30 and you're 40, in my opinion at those ages it's not that much of a difference. But if he's in his 20's and you're in your 30's, then at that stage of life may seem like a much larger gap.

 

I'm 35 and this is only my opinion but I think that being open minded about sex and sex work doesn't automatically mean that someone only wants to sleep around and is incapable of being in a relationship. I'm bisexual and I have a good female friend who is a sex worker and web cam girl. We are only friends and never did anything with each other. I'm just open minded and I don't care that she's a sex worker. I have also had casual sex and some wild sex stuff in my life. But I did that while I was single. I really want to be in a relationship and marry and have kids. When I'm in a relationship I only have eyes for that person.

 

The thing that kinda stands out to me though is that after all that time of knowing you and sleeping with you for four months, the guy is still saying he's not sure whether he wants to be in a relationship. He knows you really well at this point and he's had four months to develop feelings. So what is his reason that he's "not sure"? I would probably be worried about that part more than anything. If he's dragging his feet then is he not into you or a commitment phobe/womaniser/polyamorous? If you're looking for a serious relationship and he doesn't want a relationship, that's the main reason to end it in my opinion.

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he is hyper sexual more than me and has all these relationships with woman that he is sending sex videos and messages and flirting with them remotely. I also have this fear that if it weren't for covid maybe he'd still be sleeping with other people. He's mentioned to me that I should do an only fans page and it hurt my feelings knowing he has a bunch of girl friends that do it and that he would want to put myself out there

 

Maybe I'm already old at 39, but what is an "only fans page"? My guess is that it's a paid service where you can get away with posting salacious content - is that correct? If so, any guy who suggests something like this is not taking you seriously. Have you ever given any indication whatsoever that you're into that sort of thing, and how did that even come up in conversation?

 

I'm sorry to say, but I don't think he wants a relationship with you. You were hoping he'd say he did after you told him you wanted sexual exclusivity - but he didn't. And he still hasn't, from what I gather. My sense is that he enjoys your company and the sex, but he's not looking for a committed relationship and you will be but one option in his roster when Covid eases up.

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Is he a male escort or porn actor?

It sounds like you were hurting and numb from your last relationship and this guy sort of reawakened your poor libido.

 

Are you sure your sexual encounters are not being video recorded and sold on his only fans page?

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I really think you should get out now. This guy isn't for you. Don't doubt yourself. Sure, you've had some fun and enjoyed the sex. It's not worth turning on your own values for though. You've overlooked a bunch because you were dazed from your last relationship, and you got sucked in to a f buddy thing. That's not the end of the world, but no need to double down and try and turn this into something it is not.

And honestly? I don't think you should trust him. You know what he is about, it will hurt you eventually, trust yourself.

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When you're regularly upset in a relationship, it means it's not the right one for you. I know I wouldn't be happy with a guy who had a harem of female "friends," and who was fine with FWB situations.

 

Date someone who matches you in every major way including ethics and dating/relationship goals. Chalk this one up to what you don't want in a relationship, something that should benefit you in the future, knowing what not to settle for.

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I think your gut and anxiety are telling you what to do. And you are ignoring them which usually does lead to getting hurt. You know what your comfortable with, yet you're pushing yourself to be with this guy. Do you think that is honoring yourself and you're own needs?

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I really think you should get out now. This guy isn't for you. Don't doubt yourself. Sure, you've had some fun and enjoyed the sex. It's not worth turning on your own values for though. You've overlooked a bunch because you were dazed from your last relationship, and you got sucked in to a f buddy thing. That's not the end of the world, but no need to double down and try and turn this into something it is not.

And honestly? I don't think you should trust him. You know what he is about, it will hurt you eventually, trust yourself.

 

Yes, this. You went into this eyes wide open. You knew who he was. He told you. Nothing has changed except you making excuses, being dishonest with yourself, ignoring your values- it upset me to read this and upset me that you think this is about age. It's not. I personally know for example two married couples in their 20s and early 30s (the latter have been married for 7 years, the former for 6 years) - with children and they are committed, monogamous, happily married and not on social media or into sex photos or open relationships. One of the women was into casual sex many years ago as a teenager/young 20s and she regretted it because she had to tell her husband when they met and got serious about her past and also that she had an STD. Thank goodness he was good with it and all was well. It's not about age. It's this individual person.

 

He's entitled to do what he's doing. He didn't lie to you. I also wouldn't trust him to be monogamous - if he's been having intercourse with you all this time and still doesn't know if he wants to be committed to you -please. I totally believe that if he met the right person he wanted to be committed to he could be trustworthy and a person of integrity and character and committed and loyal -people of course can choose all that. People can change. He's shown no indication he wants to make that kind of dramatic about face for you. I'd move on unless you want to be connected to him for decades to come if you get pregnant and keep the child or if you want the lasting memory of one or more STDS. Please be good to yourself and stand up for yourself and your values -not to him - there's no need to tell him what your values are -that would be like a lecture -I mean internally.

 

I'm also concerned that you're looking at all this "acting like a couple" as any indication that he wants a commitment to you. He told you he doesn't -months of knowing you, months of having intercourse with you -he likes playing at being a couple -the fun parts - so do you -and he likes having sex with you -and you like having sex with him -you found him physically attractive from the get go - but playing at being a couple and being a couple -apples and oranges.

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He's been very open and upfront with you that he is NOT a monogamous kind of a person. In fact, when you asked him directly, his response was again very clear - the only reason he is not sleeping with other women is because of covid. Even so, he is busy sexting other women.

 

Unless you are good with being just one of many in his stable, then you need to walk away from this today. You are getting attached and you are starting to hope that he will magically have a total personality transplant and become the monogamous person with the same values as you have. He will not. When it comes to fundament things like that, people do not change. In fact the "romantic" idea that someone will drastically change for love is the kind deluded thinking that leaves people stuck for years in misery in terrible, toxic relationship they should have left long ago or never even entered in the first place.

 

At any rate - all you have is sex and he told you straight up that's all he is up for. Believe him. Btw, this is NOT some generational whatever, this is who he is. Do not kid yourself about that please.

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I pretty much told him if he was still sleeping with other people I wouldn't be able to continue a physical relationship. He said that because of covid he couldn't and wouldn't be with other woman

 

This is what it boils down to right here. He told you he won't sleep with anyone else BECAUSE OF COVID, not because he is really likes you and wants to see where it goes.

 

In retrospect, you should not have slept with him. you should have said "Sorry, I only sleep with guys after I get to know them better and they feel the same about me. I only sleep with men who aren't dating or sleeping or sexting with other women." If he truly was ready for a relationship, he would know he has to drop all of those other women and prove it OR JUST be your hiking buddy and that's all.

 

I would not beat yourself up and chalk this up to something like a vacation romance -- it was what it was-- but it wasn't permanent.

 

I would stop sleeping with him and tell him your feelings that you want to go back to just hiking because you don't want to be sleeping with someone who is only sleeping exclusively with you due to covid

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To be a little more clear, he kind of made it sound like he wouldn't sleep with other people because of covid but he also said he would do it for me because of how I feel and see where the relationship went. he has liked me for a long time and told me he hasn't felt this way about someone for a long time at one point. When he said he wanted to give things a little more time to see where things go and he wasn't going to sleep with people I was okay with it. I also dont know if he is sexting and video sexing with other people but it is my hunch because of his personality and because he hasn't been clear in what he wants. I was going to ask him but these responses make it sound like should just break it off. It sucks cause tomorrow is my birthday and we had whole plans together and he said he wants to make the day special for me. He also visited me at work today cause he knew I've been down, but he doesn't know its about him. I havent even been sure about I want out of the relationship but recently i have been feeling I dont want to risk getting hurt any more if this is just a FWB thing. I guess I need to ask. Thank you all for the responses. I might have shined a negative light on him more than there is but I also think I needed to hear your warnings and thoughts.

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To be a little more clear, he kind of made it sound like he wouldn't sleep with other people because of covid but he also said he would do it for me because of how I feel and see where the relationship went. he has liked me for a long time and told me he hasn't felt this way about someone for a long time at one point. When he said he wanted to give things a little more time to see where things go and he wasn't going to sleep with people I was okay with it. I also dont know if he is sexting and video sexing with other people but it is my hunch because of his personality and because he hasn't been clear in what he wants. I was going to ask him but these responses make it sound like should just break it off. It sucks cause tomorrow is my birthday and we had whole plans together and he said he wants to make the day special for me. He also visited me at work today cause he knew I've been down, but he doesn't know its about him. I havent even been sure about I want out of the relationship but recently i have been feeling I dont want to risk getting hurt any more if this is just a FWB thing. I guess I need to ask. Thank you all for the responses. I might have shined a negative light on him more than there is but I also think I needed to hear your warnings and thoughts.

 

So he is doing it "for you" not because he wants to be committed to you. Tell him not to do you any favors. Don't you want more for yourself? So he wants more time for what? He's already having intercourse with you for months - so that he didn't need more time for to decide to have sex with you but to commit to you, to be exclusive -that he needs more time for. He has been clear on what he wants. He wants to have sex with you and he is willing to compromise for "you" so you will continue the sexual arrangement while he mulls over whether he sees you as relationship material.

 

Please don't settle for scraps especially scraps that could make you pregnant or sick.

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I finally talked to him tonight and he told me he isn't seeing anyone else and he isn't involved with anyone else even remotely and that I'm the first person he has really liked in years and he thought things were going well and he didnt realize I felt how I do. He still can't put a label on the relationship but he says he's really happy with me and not seeing anyone else and really wants to keep being with me and that he wants to talk in person about things. I was ready to leave but I do think he sincerely likes me and wants a relationship with me. Maybe I am fooling myself. I even said to him that I dont want to be with him while he keeps his options open and he said he has been keeping his options open dating casually for years and he chose me and is dating me now and that he is serious about me.

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He still can't put a label on the relationship

 

So, what is stopping him at this point? This has been going on for months and he's still not really committing. What is the hold up?

 

I still think you're going to wind up seriously hurt here.

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It's interesting that you keep asking him about being exclusive, what are we?, where is it going?, etc.

 

No matter what you ask and how he answers, he is still doing a lot of variations on the "for right now" theme.

 

That's ok as long as you can detach yourself completely and realize this is an in-the-moment situation.

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Fear breaks relatoionships. Fear mires us in a swamp of disillusion, panaoia, mistrust, depression and pain.

 

Honestly, the life he was living, while it might have been fun for him, was shallow and likely unfulfilling. But in the state, when one cannot find something deep and fulfilling, and endless stream of one nighters or short terms can provide enough of a smoke screen to hide behind, but it never takes away the feeling of being unfulfilled. But now he has chosen you and to feel something deeper. You challenge him, which is good, he needs to be challenged and to feel the depth which you bring and want to bring to the relationship. But you are also bringing fear, which will push him away. And should he come to the conclusion that you are just too unsure, that you fear too much, then he will likley leave and head right back to the easy shallow and unfulfilling lifestyle.

 

Ultimately, you are never going to know fully if he intends to stay or go. So, you have two choices, take him at face value, stop fearing he will leave and start enjoying your time together; Or walk away.

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I finally talked to him tonight and he told me he isn't seeing anyone else and he isn't involved with anyone else even remotely and that I'm the first person he has really liked in years and he thought things were going well and he didnt realize I felt how I do. He still can't put a label on the relationship but he says he's really happy with me and not seeing anyone else and really wants to keep being with me and that he wants to talk in person about things. I was ready to leave but I do think he sincerely likes me and wants a relationship with me. Maybe I am fooling myself. I even said to him that I dont want to be with him while he keeps his options open and he said he has been keeping his options open dating casually for years and he chose me and is dating me now and that he is serious about me.

 

Nothing to do with labels. It's the meaning behind the labels. He wants to keep his options open. He's not seeing anyone else. Today. Today he could see or hear from someone who interests him and since there's no "label" (um, commitment) he can pursue that person and he will not have lead you on. Not even a teensy weensy bit.

 

He likes you and also likes having sex with you right now. He doesn't care that he's having sex with you and you could meet someone else today. He is not serious about you because if he was it would be far from a label. It would be the substance behind the label. In fact he would never ever use the word label because he'd want you to know directly and simply that he wants you. Just as he is direct and simple about knowing he wants intercourse with you.

 

He'd want you to be his in a committed, exclusive, loving relationship -where he could see if real love develops while you don't keep your options open. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. He gets pleasure from having sex with you and from hanging out with you and you're willing to settle for him keeping his options open because he's sure he likes intercourse just not sure he wants to be with you in a committed relationship. Since he won't commit to you I'd make sure you have the discussion of what would happen if you got pregnant (even if you know you would abort, you might want to ask him how he feels about it). Same convo if you were committed but often those discussions are different since there are no other potential sex partners/dates involved.

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Fear breaks relatoionships. Fear mires us in a swamp of disillusion, panaoia, mistrust, depression and pain.

 

Honestly, the life he was living, while it might have been fun for him, was shallow and likely unfulfilling. But in the state, when one cannot find something deep and fulfilling, and endless stream of one nighters or short terms can provide enough of a smoke screen to hide behind, but it never takes away the feeling of being unfulfilled. But now he has chosen you and to feel something deeper. You challenge him, which is good, he needs to be challenged and to feel the depth which you bring and want to bring to the relationship. But you are also bringing fear, which will push him away. And should he come to the conclusion that you are just too unsure, that you fear too much, then he will likley leave and head right back to the easy shallow and unfulfilling lifestyle.

 

Ultimately, you are never going to know fully if he intends to stay or go. So, you have two choices, take him at face value, stop fearing he will leave and start enjoying your time together; Or walk away.

There's nothing to fear here. Nothing unknown. Today he has the option of meeting someone else whether to date the person, hook up, have sex, whatever. No fear because it's the known, not the unknown. And since past behavior is a great predictor of future behavior he may like her a lot but he is a person who also likes multiple partners and casual sex a lot too. Now if he committed to her with enthusiasm and she still lived in fear he could leave that would be more on her. But she should know -not fear -that she is someone he likes right now. That he is not seeing anyone else right now. Right now can end today or in a few hours.

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I finally talked to him tonight and he told me he isn't seeing anyone else and he isn't involved with anyone else even remotely and that I'm the first person he has really liked in years and he thought things were going well and he didnt realize I felt how I do. He still can't put a label on the relationship but he says he's really happy with me and not seeing anyone else and really wants to keep being with me and that he wants to talk in person about things. I was ready to leave but I do think he sincerely likes me and wants a relationship with me. Maybe I am fooling myself. I even said to him that I dont want to be with him while he keeps his options open and he said he has been keeping his options open dating casually for years and he chose me and is dating me now and that he is serious about me.

 

The only thing he likes about you is how easily he can manipulate and sweet talk you, your extreme lack of sense of boundaries and what's right and wrong. Even with facts in your face, you don't seem to have the sense to follow your values and walk away. I say walk away because you can't even dump him - you aren't a couple.

 

You keep talking, he keeps twisting out of any commitment....buuuut....you are "special, sooo special, keep hanging in there, maybe some day his highness will decide to be with you for real....meanwhile, ignore the sexting and video calls....." ugh... You are lapping that bs up. What's going on with you. Why is your self respect so low?

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So you've had sex for a whole 4 months and known each other for a year. That's enough time for the average person to decide whether or not the person they are dating is one they want to go to the next level with, hoping for a lifetime together as their goal.

 

That is, if a person's goal is longterm. He's never said that's his goal. It's obviously yours, because you speak of fearing being hurt, so you must want forever with him.

 

You don't match in your dating/relationship goals. There's a decade age gap, another con. Here's an excerpt on those stats: A five-year age gap statistically means you’re 18% more likely to divorce (versus just 3% with a 1-year age difference), and that rate rises to 39% for a 10-year age difference and 95% for a 20-year age gap. Partners from different generations may have different cultural reference points and values, and polar opposite tastes in music and film, and even friends, and also have different approaches to their sex life, says Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist and panelist on “Sex Box,” a forthcoming We TV relationship therapy show. “Sex drive goes up for women in middle age, but sexual function decreases for men.”

 

You're too close to the situation to see things as clearly as outsiders. I see it as he liked the challenge you were. I see it as he cares more about the fun of leaping over a barrier, regardless that he knows you want more than he does, and that he in no way can meet your needs.

 

You want a guy who will be so crazy about you he will want to shout from the rooftops that you're his girlfriend and can't believe his luck in snagging you.

 

Instead, you have someone you've been sharing the gift of your body with 4 months, poured your emotional energy and time into for an entire year, and he still isn't ready to embrace you as significant other. Yeah--not a good risk for your heart.

 

What's your timeline to bail if you're not his girlfriend? Two years? What more can he learn that he doesn't already know?

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When I was reading your posts the first thing I thought is this guy is grooming her He mentioned you should set up a fan page so you could be part of his harem.

 

I wonder how many of these other female friends have been down the same path you are on with him?

 

So putting all the other stuff aside please answer these few questions:

 

What are you looking for eventually? Marriage? Children? Family?

 

What is he looking for?

 

There comes a time sooner or later where what you want for your life and what the other person wants for their life needs to coalesce.

 

This guy is good for some fun inside and out of the bedroom but you know there is no future with him. Are you willing to wait 10 years for him to catch up to where you are?

 

Lots of red flags here...

 

Lost

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You don't match in your dating/relationship goals. There's a decade age gap, another con. Here's an excerpt on those stats: A five-year age gap statistically means you’re 18% more likely to divorce (versus just 3% with a 1-year age difference), and that rate rises to 39% for a 10-year age difference and 95% for a 20-year age gap. Partners from different generations may have different cultural reference points and values, and polar opposite tastes in music and film, and even friends, and also have different approaches to their sex life, says Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist and panelist on “Sex Box,” a forthcoming We TV relationship therapy show. “Sex drive goes up for women in middle age, but sexual function decreases for men.”

 

In most married couples i know that have lasted the long haul, the woman is 5-7 years younger than the man or the man is one year younger than the woman unless they married right out of high school. I don't think an age gap predicts divorce unless its to the extreme - like 20 years.

 

I do see men and women where the woman is 10 years older divorce because he didn't want kids at first but now wants them, or where the man is older by 20 years UNLESS they married right out of high school 50 years ago. UNLESS the woman is from a disadvantaged country OR they met on an academic level (two archeaolgists who met by doing research together or some very intense interest)

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I finally talked to him tonight and he told me he isn't seeing anyone else and he isn't involved with anyone else even remotely and that I'm the first person he has really liked in years and he thought things were going well and he didnt realize I felt how I do. He still can't put a label on the relationship but he says he's really happy with me and not seeing anyone else and really wants to keep being with me and that he wants to talk in person about things. I was ready to leave but I do think he sincerely likes me and wants a relationship with me. Maybe I am fooling myself. I even said to him that I dont want to be with him while he keeps his options open and he said he has been keeping his options open dating casually for years and he chose me and is dating me now and that he is serious about me.

 

In the end you'll have to decide the life you want to live. You've shown and described the experience so far to be difficult and full of worry and anxiety. I wouldn't look to him for any answers. You've seen enough. Is this the life you see for yourself?

 

You can't undo insecurity with a relationship. It's like putting a bandaid on a gaping wound that needs multiple stitches. I'm sorry to say this. Both of you are on completely different wavelengths and the very thing that creates insecurities in you is what he is as a person. You don't have to look any further than how you phrased and used the words in your thread header. Those are very specific words 'sex history' and 'sex values' making you feel 'emotionally unsafe'. You are either a very good writer and extra dramatic or you're speaking straight from the heart and all I'm seeing is total fear and paralysis.

 

Somehow you found yourself in this situation. We are all made up of sets of strengths and weaknesses and at any one point we encounter situations in life that leave us vulnerable. We either perceive something differently than we normally would or we're in transition periods or dips in emotional strength or aren't feeling ourselves. His looks drew you to him but you didn't answer my earlier question on how you both met. Did you meet through social media or online? What connections do you have in person in real life to each other?

 

The hiking is one thing that the both of you share but not much else. Was it needing a hiking partner that left you vulnerable because you lost a partner who was also a hiker? I'm asking these questions to get a better idea of where you're coming from and why you're reacting to this person or choosing to have him in your life.

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