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I’m in a newish relationship with a guy I’ve known a long time. Everything has been great. We have such a great time together and have genuinely clicked. I can tell that I genuinely make him happy and have been told by his friends and family that they’ve never seen him so happy. He’s not nor has he ever been the most affectionate person but he never hesitated to let me know I was special. At the beginning of September he was in a bad accident and had to undergo extensive surgery and was immobile and in a lot of pain. I stayed with him in the hospital as much as possible and he reached out to me for comfort frequently. Despite his discomfort, pain and frustration he still made me feel loved wanted and that he was happy. The past 2-3 weeks Since he has returned home (still mostly immobile and very dependent on others but not in as much pain) he has become so distant and withdrawn. I addressed the feeling that he was losing interest in me and he said that that wasn’t the case he was just mentally in a dark place because he hated being so dependent on others and that all he wanted to do was sleep and watch tv. He has still made attempts to spend time with me but he seems so distant and withdrawn when we are together. He doesn’t call or text nearly as much as I was used to and even though he spends time with me and still invites me to come over and hang out it just feels different. He has made plans to do things in the future with me and still includes me in plans with friends and family but not with the same regularity or excitement. I fear that I am overthinking much of this and that is why I am asking for advice. I know he has gone through a lot recently and he’s lost a lot. I have never been through what he’s going through so what I’m asking is an opinion on whether this change in behavior is due to his depression or if he’s lost interest and doesn’t want to cut me lose just yet because he feels bad because of all I’ve done for him. Is he pushing me away or is he just becoming withdrawn because of his situation. And the second question is how and what should I do moving forward?

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You need to work on accepting the changes that have happened to him.

You need to accept these changes have really made him feel low... so he will be low for a while, and this is how he is coping.

But it is not on you.

 

Respectfully let him deal with this.. his way. He has changed or pulled away - I refer to this as.. he's gone to his 'man cave'.

Read up on that.

Sometimes they NEED to shut down or back away for a bit to 'work through things, think, etc'.

 

Best you can do it just be there for him as you are..trying to be.

Try not to pressure him.. make him 'talk' etc. They dont always know how to do that.

 

( yeah, I am reading Men are from Mars, women from Venus) Explains a lot of the differences from us & them.

 

So, just give him time.. let him reach out & be there as you have been.

Let him have 'his time' to work through this big negative that has affected him at this time.

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Let it be known I think about him always. My past relationships have unfortunately led me to feel insecure at times and I’ve been cheated on a lot. I trust him. I came to this site for advice. I know I am often an over thinker that’s why I am asking for assistance. I’m not trying to make this about me. I’m trying to prevent myself from doing something stupid bc I am sometimes insecure

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Thank you so much. That was very insightful and helpful. I don’t want to push him away by becoming too clingy or applying too much pressure but I don’t want to make him think I don’t care or that I’m not there for him by doing too removed. What you’ve said helped me a great deal. Thank you.

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He has had a traumatic experience and needs time to get himself to a better place, physically and emotionally. Most of all, he needs a friend to be caring and supportive of him through a really rough time. Far from him losing interest, he probably sees you as a blessing. You can encourage him and help lift up his spirit. Realize that he is in a very dark place right now and if he wasn't a naturally affectionate person to begin with, he'll be less inclined to be that way now. But as long as he's making some effort, don't feel bad. You'll need to reach him on his level for now and slowly he'll hopefully find a way through this.

 

Good luck and I hope things get better for both of you.

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Well I'm just guessing that for one thing, your boyfriend is probably still in pain. Pain can really put someone in a very low and despairing mood. It's just there niggling at them all the time and there might be not much the person can do about it, so it's very hard. Also if your boyfriend is suffering from depression, you have to realise that depression is not actually about you. It's an internal thing and not related to how that person feels about you. It's common for people who are depressed to not act as enthusiastic anymore. He's not even actually pushing you away though because he's still reaching out to you and including you in his life.

 

I think don't make it about you and be supportive and understanding. If your boyfriend sometimes needs space, then give it to him. If you're there for him now, hopefully he can pull through this and get back to his usual self eventually.

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If you truly like this man, then let him know that you are there, and you will continue to support him. But also ask him to please let you know when he needs time to himself or when he wants your company. He is the one going through a very difficult time, so he is the one who would be able to tell you what would be best.

 

Try to be gentle right now. Don't push. And try to not take things personally. How he is acting, isn't about how he feels about you or related to you. He is trying to accept a new reality and that can take a lot of time. It's confusing, upsetting and will take time to process. He will have good days, but he will also have bad days.

That's to be expected. Let him know what it's okay and that you will still be there for him no matter what kind of day he is having.

 

I realize this is a confusing time for you too. It's hard not to take it personally and it's upsetting that things were going well and then this happened. It's sad on your part too.

Take time for yourself, you also need to process the changes. But don't lose hope either.

This is all new for both of you and you both need time to adjust to everything.

 

The only time you need it will for sure be over, is if he says it's over. But for now, this truly is about him not coping well with a traumatic situation.

Be his friend, be his comfort, and support. Try to find ways to cheer him up. He will really appreciate you for it.

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Yes. You need to let him rest and spend time with his family, friends, those who take care of him as well as the other healthcare personal who he needs right now.

 

Unfortunately someone as insecure as you stated you are, is draining and too much work for someone trying to recover from multiple trauma.

 

It would be best for you to step way back so he and his people can attend to his recuperation.

 

Use this time to attend to your own issues and get your own mental health in order.

Should I step back on contacting him and wait for him to call me?
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