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How Do You Balance Life with Kids?


maritalbliss86
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9 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

"Another law of nature is... Victims victimize."

I think that's true. You see it a lot within groups that tend to be at the bottom of the sociological hierarchy. Poor people, women, minorities. When one in the ranks makes good for themselves, the others tend to tear them down instead of support them. 

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I think that's true. You see it a lot within groups that tend to be at the bottom of the sociological hierarchy. Poor people, women, minorities. When one in the ranks makes good for themselves, the others tend to tear them down instead of support them. 

I don’t think it holds for everyone. I have been the victim of a lot . But I don’t believe I victimize others or drag them down . I will speak up for victims though and defend those who can’t defend themselves. 

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9 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I don’t think it holds for everyone. I have been the victim of a lot . But I don’t believe I victimize others or drag them down . I will speak up for victims though and defend those who can’t defend themselves

No. Not everybody by any means. I should clarify that I'm speaking of group/cultural dynamics, not individual people. What's true of a whole is not necessarily true of the parts (fallacy of composition/division).

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2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I don’t think it holds for everyone. I have been the victim of a lot . But I don’t believe I victimize others or drag them down . I will speak up for victims though and defend those who can’t defend themselves. 

Right, it's never, "always true."  I think it's a generalization that is usually true, was the author's point.

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It helped me tremendously when I grasped that work is NOT a therapeutic environment.

That's not cynical or 'bad,' it just reminds me to avoid internalizing or personalizing ANY behaviors of others on the job. Their function is not to serve me or to meet my emotional needs, I'm just there to perform a service. I can do that in a cheerful way that lets everything roll off of me while I enjoy my time doing that, OR, I can turn this paid time into a drama that matters all too much.

When you can form interests and passions and relationships outside of your job, you can minimize the emotional importance of anyone or anything on the job.

Think 'resilience' and invest less in what others think of you. They MUST matter to the degree that you choose to make them matter. So? Choose differently.

From Catfeeder again.  This is so true, and so good to try to remember. 

Taking mental note for when I get back into working, although the, "forming interests and passions and relationships outside of your job," is already accomplished for me with all our kids and my husband, that will be very easy.

Keeping perspective and understanding how to get what you want/need and meet your goals (or get out if that's not possible) seems to be crucial to career success.

 

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Ahh social media strikes again.

This is all very high school drama-ish isn't it?

Ignoring them is your best solution.  Post what you want when you want and if they don't like it then that is there problem.  It seems everyone with a keyboard and an opinion thinks they know what is best for someone else.  Funny thing is 99% of the time these trolls have crappy unhappy lives and just want to poop on someone else's happiness or good fortune.

Let me put this to you a different way.  If you continue to allow her comments and actions to upset you she wins.  But if you learn to see her for what she is and ignore her then you win because you are happy, healthy and have a beautiful baby.  At some point it stops being her issue and becomes yours because you are allowing it to control your life.  She is you sister in law but she doesn't have to be your friend does she?

Lost

^^Oh the dramas of social media....

Very glad I got rid of my social media.  It really should be labled, "anti-social media," because I think it actually does contribute to making people behave more in anti-social ways, rather than truly social and polite (or respectful, and on and on and on).

Many things went into my deciding to shutter it down, but one of them was my FIL constantly reacting to posts (regarding news events in our city, so local things we were interested in obviously), and he'd kind of flip out and start using all caps, etc.  I wouldn't normally respond, but friends would respond, "defending," my point or post or whatnot, and get into arguments with him on my page.

It was just more drama than necessary... having friends fighting with my FIL... on my social media.... just bleh!

That wasn't the main reason I think, but it did contribute to it.

****

Also wanted to make a mental note of this poster's question in that I understand things like this seem really trivial and petty, but when it comes to your kids, and their pictures, it feels ridiculously personal when they ignore them or get angry or anything.  

For us, my husband's family/parents ignoring pictures of our kids (keep in mind, no social media anymore so this is the only way they could get them short of emails like Batya suggested).  To be ignored... by people like the kids' grandparents, it just feels wrong and hurtful, even if it all sounds so ridiculous and trivial over pictures. 

And no I wasn't sending too many, otherwise I'd understand they were annoyed... it was just a couple every week or when something major was happening like our daughter's first dance shoes shopping trip, etc. Sometimes once a week, mostly when something really cute happened.  That's why I started doing it in a group text so that there were witnesses to them ignoring it (so I don't feel like I'm just too sensitive or crazy).

****

I wish it were over, but being that these are my kids' grandparents, I still feel a little guilty leaving them out moving forward.

Our daughter's 1st dance recital is rapidly approaching, but they're still giving us the Silent Treatment and everyone (people who love us and know us) have said not to invite them....  That they're the ones who have kind of, "dumped," us, so we should just go with that.  But it does feel wrong, or bad, or otherwise not right in not inviting them.  I guess the point is that I probably won't ever feel truly confident in not being overly nice to them, but hopefully those feelings diminish with time as we keep living daily life and enjoying it to the fullest ❤️ 

 

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On 4/17/2021 at 8:15 PM, maritalbliss86 said:

Ok, I have to stop cluttering up MyLolita's diary pages!!!!  What the hell is wrong with me?  LOL  I should have been more conscientious!

Anyway, because I'm still reading through her stuff and have ALL of quiet time to veg out and read with delicious delight, I'll post her stuff here and then talk to myself... LOL... like a nutcase.  But I think I've been mostly talking to myself here anyway, so....

😂  OMG!!!!!  Yes... I've always thought this was true!!!  I've always thought this about those strange Prince Charming types.  Prince Charming is just not f*ckable.  He's just not someone a woman would actually want to f*ck.  Probably because he's GAY.  Yea... that makes total sense LOL!!!!

I much prefer my husband and his kind of type I think.  Mysterious, kind of dark, dark hair and eyes... not a pretty boy and would never be able to pass as that at all.

Yes.  I feel exactly the same way about our marriage.  We've seen so many divorce, so many remain with each other out of convenience, so many that lack raging passion.  I want none of that, and I feel extremely blessed to have found what we found together.  I thought it was rare back then, and I still think it's very rare.

I don't think one needs lots of time to date and find some perfect kind of man.  In fact, I actually believe the longer one has had to date, it may mean they were just terrible at dating LOL.  Sure they garnered experience, but there may have been a negative reason why it took them so long.  Granted each person has their own unique story, hangups, and desirable spouse so....   

But just because we found each other when I was technically 18, got together at 19 and then married at 20, doesn't mean I should have spent more years out there searching for someone better.  Sometimes when you know how to date right, or when you know your perfect match, less dating is smarter dating.  Less dating means less time wasted of your life.

Marital!

 

I have just realised you have read and commented on my journal! Ohhh my what a compliment! I can’t believe you would be entertained reading through it, I daren’t even read through the previous 3 posts! HA!

 

I won’t go into the past or anything like that, I do remember getting into a few, oh, discussions on there y’know 😉 but all I can say to defend myself is that even though I am probably neurotic, negative, love drunk, optimistic, naive, critical, compulsive, impulsive... it doesn’t make me a horrible person and sometimes on there, that’s what I felt people were accusing me of being. I never once in all my life claimed to be perfect! If I had believed them, it might of affected me, but part of me enjoyed the banter like a weird verbal sport 😉 

 

If you want to give it, you have to be able to take it, surely.

 

I find in my life, even in that moment writing at what, 19, 20 - that I would and still do get attacked and criticised by older people and people of similar age alike, and now at the grand old age of 31, still married, still desperately in love, with two children and another on the way and can I just add, sat in the most beautiful, period house I am getting used too it! I find people somehow think I am in a position of strength or “above it all” and therefore it’s open season to give me it abound with both barrels and I somehow don’t have feelings or anything so, people can have a go at chipping away but now, I just take it as a kind of twisted compliment. 
 

I have never believed in victim mentality. Ironically, the people saying I had everything given to me in life on a silver platter and without trauma did not know me and never thought that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t writing about everything in my life. I only write about 20% max. If I laid it all bare they would see I have been just as much a victim in certain circumstances in life but I just never felt compelled to write about those times in my life until recently. As honest as I try to be. So never taken too personally. 
 

I am like you - I would rather hear someone say, “You can do anything, you are strong, you are smarter than you know, you are better than you think, you can make your own luck” rather than the alternative which seems to be a ready made excuse for bad behaviour which is, “You are a victim, you can never escape your past, you can’t change your circumstance, the odds are rigged against you, some people are lucky but you are not, you need medication, you need constant advice, you are sick but maybe could be made well, but it’s all going to be a long hard struggle”.

 

I just want to thank you for sticking up for me! Not to go oh poor me but no one ever does that and I really appreciate it! I’m not the popular choice, never have been, so once again, thank you!

 

I never write for others, only myself, as you say. If I ever start writing for anyone else, I know I will have failed.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my drivel! Honestly, what a fabulous compliment. I hope you haven’t come out emotionally shrivelled by it HA! Also, I am so curious of you and your fathers psychology background! You seem to have me down and I don’t know how! I would never say I was an optimistic either, I always thought I was actually a pessimist! I’m so interested why you think I am an optimistic? I would love to be one! Maybe I am ay! I don’t take myself too seriously for too long 😉

 

Anyway, lots of love and keep writing! I am ghost reading your recent journal entries. You have such great insight, I think it comes naturally too you.

 

All the best,

To my fellow love drunk!

Lo x

Edited by mylolita
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11 minutes ago, mylolita said:

You seem to have me down and I don’t know how! I would never say I was an optimistic either, I always thought I was actually a pessimist!

❤️ Psychoanalyzing is what my dad kind of ingrained in me, for better or worse.  And then I married someone who is paid and expected to be able to read people to a, "T," in very strange & difficult settings (he's way better than I am, but I think it rubs off some after 16 years of knowing him), so :D LOL...  Plus I think you and I share a lot of the same faults and positives :D 

If you were truly pessimistic, you wouldn't be capable of finding so much happiness and joy in your life.  

I think sometimes we can look around and see so much wrong and think or wonder if we're just being pessimistic, but optimism is not pretending all is right with the world, it goes deeper than that.  It's hard to be optimistic about certain things right now, and that's seeing it as it is.  But it doesn't mean your personal nature isn't more prone to optimism and being fulfilled and generally happy. 🙂  There's some research that shows pessimists rewire their brains into that kind of destructive thinking, so it's something one can fall into if they aren't careful what they dwell on long-term.  Optimists have different brain structure... it's really interesting when you look into it.

Anyway, so excited for your number 3!  Take care of yourself in pregnancy... I never could be online much when pregnant, had to kind of protect myself from the negative news, etc.  Growing a human takes a lot of mental and physical effort, and then you have your other little ones. 

You're in a beautiful time right now, but incredibly difficult on every front of your personhood!  So take care of yourself ❤️ ((Lots of Virtual Hugs))! 

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My mom mentioned to me the other day that tomorrow I I’ll have been married half my life. I got married at 27 and been married 27 years . My husband has been married more than half his life because he was 24 when we got married . 

Wow... just reflecting on this here at my journal... I'll be married at, "half my life," at 40, so in just 6 years.

We had most of our kids in that first 10 years, which I'm very happy with, because now I can see it gets easier after babies and toddlers.  I like knowing our oldest will be an adult when I'm 42.  

Teens are rumored to be so hard, but everything I've been told by older friends seems to be that it isn't as hard if you have good relationships with them.  Each child is so individualistic, I can see various ups and downs ahead, but I think if we just value that strong bond and connection to them each as their own people, we should probably be ok.  I had a great relationship with my parents in my teens, very close, and I still thought I was a little rebel though 😆

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For a couple of years now, I've realized our Viking Child has worse meltdowns during the spring season, especially late April.  He's had 1-3 major meltdowns for about 3 weeks now, and I finally figured it out that it may be the allergy season.  Apparently, this is normal for kids who have sensory issues... their histamine goes crazy and affects their brain functioning - DUH!

Plus the gut-bacteria thing... I've always believed he did better when eating yogurt at least once a day.  Gut flora is important for a lot of things (even weightloss), but it really seems to help kids with sensory issues have more neurotypical behavior and make their lives easier.

Going to see if the anti-histamines have any effect on his behavior... hm....  

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On 4/29/2021 at 8:53 PM, maritalbliss86 said:

❤️ Psychoanalyzing is what my dad kind of ingrained in me, for better or worse.  And then I married someone who is paid and expected to be able to read people to a, "T," in very strange & difficult settings (he's way better than I am, but I think it rubs off some after 16 years of knowing him), so :D LOL...  Plus I think you and I share a lot of the same faults and positives :D 

If you were truly pessimistic, you wouldn't be capable of finding so much happiness and joy in your life.  

I think sometimes we can look around and see so much wrong and think or wonder if we're just being pessimistic, but optimism is not pretending all is right with the world, it goes deeper than that.  It's hard to be optimistic about certain things right now, and that's seeing it as it is.  But it doesn't mean your personal nature isn't more prone to optimism and being fulfilled and generally happy. 🙂  There's some research that shows pessimists rewire their brains into that kind of destructive thinking, so it's something one can fall into if they aren't careful what they dwell on long-term.  Optimists have different brain structure... it's really interesting when you look into it.

Anyway, so excited for your number 3!  Take care of yourself in pregnancy... I never could be online much when pregnant, had to kind of protect myself from the negative news, etc.  Growing a human takes a lot of mental and physical effort, and then you have your other little ones. 

You're in a beautiful time right now, but incredibly difficult on every front of your personhood!  So take care of yourself ❤️ ((Lots of Virtual Hugs))! 

Bliss!

 

Thank you, always so insightful and such a new way of looking at things too, not often do I come across that! You instantly refresh my brain!

 

Can I ask what it is your husband does? Sounds very mysterious and kind of, a bit high drama and bad ass! I would be interested to know, because I’m sorry, I am terrible at just talking about myself but, what qualities you feel we share? I am so curious!

 

My husband mentioned this to me a few months ago and was the first to ever say it out loud. I guess it made me acknowledge a truth that I always found hard to face, but he told me I go through mood swings and sometimes I just get down. He knows me so well, he can tell before I can when it’s happening. Now it has been pointed out, I can even feel it coming on. It’s like a temporary depression. I find it difficult to think or be logical, everything turns to the negative. I get stressed easy when I cycle through these little phases, I feel tired, overwhelmed, anti-social. I feel impulsive, I just want to be alone. Because of this, I presumed I was some kind of depressive pessimistic person who had a week or two of fleeting happiness before everything went a little darker for awhile.

 

Can this be true and still be an optimist? I kind of reject the idea of things like bipolar. I know nothing of this by the way, but what little I have read, it is actually a very extreme and deliberating mental illness and more rare than maybe a lot of psychologists maybe jumping diagnose? My gut feeling is, I am kind of anti-therapy, mostly for myself. Never tried it but I don’t know, in your opinion, what do you make of therapy as a concept?

 

I’m so sorry to ask you so much on your journal! I would love to message you if poss! 
 

And thank you, sincerely, for the pregnancy advice. I found it cut straight to the point and no one has ever given me that angle of advice before. In what way do you mean? I find myself in pregnancy feeling much more aggressive, irritable, tearful, protective and defensive. Hormonal, basically 😉 For someone who is a slave to their mood pregnancy is sometimes not the best time, thoughts wise. It is mostly great, don’t get me wrong, I am lucky physically as well and have no problems but sometimes I can just be a nightmare, I totally admit! 
 

Can I ask how old your children are? I have been pregnant three years in a row, all by design, but I have to say it’s been kinda tough. My little blonde curled boy was born 2018, my rosey cheeked feisty gal was born 2019. I found out I was pregnant with our third bambino end of 2020 and bump is due August 2021. It’s been a full time! But amazing. Some of the happiest and saddest times all rolled into one. But as you know, the sheer joy and pinch myself I feel so lucky is more like the 90%, the other 10% well, I think it’s all in my head 😉 

 

Lots of love,

Lo x

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14 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

For a couple of years now, I've realized our Viking Child has worse meltdowns during the spring season, especially late April.  He's had 1-3 major meltdowns for about 3 weeks now, and I finally figured it out that it may be the allergy season.  Apparently, this is normal for kids who have sensory issues... their histamine goes crazy and affects their brain functioning - DUH!

Plus the gut-bacteria thing... I've always believed he did better when eating yogurt at least once a day.  Gut flora is important for a lot of things (even weightloss), but it really seems to help kids with sensory issues have more neurotypical behavior and make their lives easier.

Going to see if the anti-histamines have any effect on his behavior... hm....  

Can I ask! Awesome little nickname for your baby! Why do you call him your little Viking Child? I have this image straight away of a wild haired, strong, outdoorsy, rosey cheeked babe! 
 

Lo x

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2 hours ago, mylolita said:

Can I ask! Awesome little nickname for your baby! Why do you call him your little Viking Child? I have this image straight away of a wild haired, strong, outdoorsy, rosey cheeked babe! 
 

Lo x

Sure!  Well he was very blonde when a baby and toddler, his hair has darkened some now, but his facial features looked so much like the guy who plays Thor, I just started seeing him that way,

image.thumb.png.655e1665c47f969a2546fb316711fa24.png

plus he has the correct attitude to be a little Viking LOL :D  the nickname started with his looks - blonde hair and blue-green eyes, but then really fit his personality.  As he gets older, his facial features look more and more like this guy above, but the hair is like a dark blonde, almost light brown now.  He looks like my side of the family.

Our oldest looks a lot like Ashton Kutcher, he gets those features from my husband (eyes, eyebrows, hair, nose), but he's more a rugged type so it's not a perfect fit for him... Ashton is more, "pretty boy," handsome in my opinion, and my husband doesn't have that... but our son with how young he is looks very much like this.

image.thumb.png.5105e4b197d18f3e46bc9796f1751db2.png

And sorry I haven't answered the age question!  I think I got distracted last time we were communicating back and forth, but they are 10, 6, 3, and 1.  And the 10 year old and 3 yr old are about to have birthdays, so all in all there's a 10 years age gap between the first and last.

Our daughter looks like the female version of our oldest, and strikingly gorgeous at only 3 which is different (but of course I'm biased lol).  She takes after her dad's side, and she already looks a lot like this (Kiera Knightly look alike) and I'm sure it will get more pronounced or redefined as she's older:

image.png.52b53fe3e4f15f1f3a90b3dd5e498a28.png

 

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Posted (edited)

I feel woefully incompetent to be in charge of our kids at times... they are each just so incredible and admirable in their personalities and attitudes already ❤️.  It is amazing how different each one is, so unique and complex.

Overwhelming to be a mom.

Edited to add - I'll get back to you later on the other things, and of course it's fine to message, too ❤️.

Edited by maritalbliss86
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3 hours ago, mylolita said:

My husband mentioned this to me a few months ago and was the first to ever say it out loud. I guess it made me acknowledge a truth that I always found hard to face, but he told me I go through mood swings and sometimes I just get down. He knows me so well, he can tell before I can when it’s happening. Now it has been pointed out, I can even feel it coming on. It’s like a temporary depression. I find it difficult to think or be logical, everything turns to the negative. I get stressed easy when I cycle through these little phases, I feel tired, overwhelmed, anti-social. I feel impulsive, I just want to be alone. Because of this, I presumed I was some kind of depressive pessimistic person who had a week or two of fleeting happiness before everything went a little darker for awhile.

 

Ok, sorry to write so much looking back in hindsight !!!  You can take whatever advice is applicable, disregard what doesn't apply:

I think most people go through ups and downs or have, "good," days or, "not so great," days, and the mood kind of fluctuates.  Do you think it follows your menstrual cycle typically?  That kind of thing is pretty common for most women.  It is important to pay attention to how long those periods of feeling depressed last though.  The general rule of thumb is that unless it's harming your ability to function in life, or causing your relationships (especially with your husband or kids) to really suffer, then I tend to think emotional fluctuations are more normal than abnormal.

I also think it's stigmatized to talk about things like this, in the world of social media, everyone is expected to make their lives appear perfect, or like they have it altogether, all of the time.  And that's just not realistic.  Most people, especially women with our monthly hormone fluctuations, have some emotional fluctuations. 

So you may feel more isolated or like you're odd for experiencing them, but a lot of women do, especially when pregnant and rearing young children, sleep deprived and single parenting while your husband is away on business trips.  That is A LOT to handle.  So emotional fluctuations or periods of feeling, "kinda down," or depressed are unfortunately part of this phase of motherhood.  It's called, "The Trenches of Motherhood," for a reason... it's like you're in some weird kind of battle and being bombarded with your kids' needs and everyone else's needs all at once, going through the trenches of this period, while still expected to take care of yourself!  It's like some horrible kind of comedy in a way... I don't know... I find a lot of humor in how ridiculously hard parenthood can be at times.  I think the humor gets me through :D keeps things from getting too depressing. 

But realizing emotions are just emotions sometimes, realizing that emotions WILL pass and stabilize, or that maybe I need to take some time out for myself soon to help them to stabilize (take an evening off where I relax in a hot bath with candles and great book!), helps keep me balanced personally.

Part of taking care of myself, or pampering myself when pregnant, was to avoid the online negative stuff and only allow myself to engage in the positive, light, fluffy stuff.  I also took hot baths almost nightly when pregnant, just to indulge and pamper myself since the daytimes were focused on being always, "on," and taking care of everyone else's needs.  Evenings, especially if my husband was working, were for me and me alone ❤️ total pampering, decadent chocolates, candle-lit baths.  I'd watch romantic movies like Jane Eyre (BBC did a great 4 hour series that's all on youtube... I'd literally watch it while in a hot bath LOL, that was usually my go-to).  You owe it to yourself and the baby to be indulgent when you can.  I still do this when I need it, just not every night.

 

But cycles of feeling down when stressed can be totally normal.  It could even be part dietary when you've been pregnant for 3 years, that depletes you of a lot of the vitamins that help with feeling more positive and mentally balanced.  I'm sure you're taking pre-natal vitamins, you may want to continue that for a year after birth if you can.  In the US, we're able to buy prenatals at any drugstore, it doesn't have to be only prescription, not sure if they're as easily accessible in the UK, but you may want to make sure that afterbirth, you're still getting the proper nutrients.  Giving birth depletes you even more than pregnancy (blood loss, nutrient loss etc.) so it makes sense that your feelings are impacted by that.  

The key is whether you're able to get things done still that need to be done (with the mood fluctuations).  When it starts interrupting your life, that's when you may want to look into ways to alleviate that.  There are natural ways that really do work to increase serotonin (the hormone that increases that feeling of peace and contentment, the mood-stabilizer hormone), and then there are medicines that help with that. 

So even just making a few minor changes can naturally help you feel more balanced and in control. 

One of the first things a good therapist would ask you, would be to find out if you're already doing any of those activities that naturally raise your serotonin and help your brain feel good.  If you aren't, they usually suggest you start there if you can.  Usually the natural ways are good enough to avoid medication.

 

On emotions... I don't know if you've seen Sense & Sensibility (I love the 1995 version with Emma Thompson and Kate Winslet and Alan Rickman), but that movie/novel can kind of help explain why going with all emotions or passions just isn't the best in the long-run.  In the movie, the two sisters display the different kinds of extremes between being completely based on whim and emotion, and being totally controlled by practicality and non-emotion.  Most women see parts of themselves in each one, and you can clearly see how they each have their positives and faults.  Over the course of the novel/movie, you watch how they try to correct those flaws to become more balanced people overall.  In novels that's called developing a character arc, where the character starts out flawed in some serious ways, and then works to develop their flaws over time... sometimes it takes decades of time.  Usually it comes through hard won experiences.

Life is kind of like that.  You can develop your character overtime by the habits and choices you make as I'm sure you know 🙂.  Overtime your choices tend to get better, upon reflection one can usually see the ways they could do better on some things.

I remember watching that movie a lot as a child, and really analyzing the two female leads.  Emma Thompson being so logical, so unemotional, so practical, to the point where it harmed her relationship ability, and then her sister being the opposite, very passionate, in love with the idea of being in love... very emotional, etc. I identified so much more with her personality (I think you probably would, too), but I also remember thinking her passion and lack of forethought drove her off a cliff when it came to her romantic partner. 

I could see even then as a child that she should have fallen head over heels with Alan Rickman's older, reserved and way more mature character, who was obviously in love with her the moment he set eyes on her.  It was so obvious to my 9 year old brain even back then that he was the correct match for her personality, to literally balance her out.  But he was too, "boring," for her, and she chased a man who was terrible and led her to public humiliation.  I think watching it probably played a role into why I picked my husband... I'm naturally more prone to being like Kate Winslet's character, which tends to be destructive if not deliberately reigned in, so I have to really try to think practically and realistically and pragmatically.  This leads me to over-analyze things and tend toward being neurotic, because I know my tendencies are more wild, passionate and crazy, so I have to tone myself down, like waaay down LOL, to be functional.  I thought I could see that in some of your journal, but I could be wrong 🙂.  

 

What I've found to be helpful is to listen to my emotions, but also check with the facts and see if they add up. 

I do believe emotions are important, that they can signal red flags when something isn't right.  But many times emotions can just be feelings ... sometimes they're just not based in reality.  This means that allowing them to dictate my reality is kind of dangerous for everyone involved, and with our kids depending on me so much, I cannot allow my emotions to rule me.  I've had to, "grow up," in that way.

Mental health is basically comprised of 3 things (I think most psychologists would agree with this... )

1) Your perception of control (feeling as though your actions or decisions do matter in the outcome you get)

2) Your feelings of being connected (to other people, or to having a sense of purpose in life that's greater than oneself, etc.)

3) Pursuit of Challenge - (if you have purpose or something that gives you purpose, this also ties into feeling connected to the people in your life in that you feel sufficiently challenged and like your role has purpose in connection to theirs)

Anyway... for #1, if your emotions control you, you can see how you may tend to feel more lost than found.  Again for me, I have to weigh my emotions against the facts.  It can be hard to do when sleep deprived and hormonal, but sometimes just allowing yourself that time to wait on things, wait to react to things, usually that helps, too.  Give yourself time to wait to respond, or wait to react, or wait to make a decision if you feel kind of down emotionally.  

Also for your perception of control... I've found that making sure I get things done, no matter how I feel that day, gives me a lot of satisfaction 🙂  It really does help elevate your mood when you can see you've gotten at least a few tasks done, and done well that needed to get done.  

I think from reading your journal (in your past at least) it sounded like the boring times of life were hard to endure.  For some people, it's just part of their personality to hate doing the mundane, boring life things that are so necessary 🤷‍♀️.  I'm like that, too, so I've found ways to try to make peace with realizing a lot of life is just kind of boring tasks that need to be done :D❤️.  It's ok to be boring :D  it's ok to do boring things for the sake of getting them done and done well.  I've changed a lot overtime, to where I actually find a lot of satisfaction in doing the boring stuff like our taxes etc. (and I used to hate math pre-college!).  

Forcing yourself to do what's needed can make life kind of bland.  BUT realizing that it's ok to be in this boring phase of life where millions of minor tasks need to be done, every week, over and over, like laundry and dishes etc. lol... the key to finding contentment is understanding you have a greater purpose in doing all of this, in living a kind of boring life right now.  And it's not always boring, right?  So learning to live with the repetitive tasks and finding peace and contentment with them gives one a deep, abiding sense of peace and happiness, I've found.  A lot of it (for me) seems to come from gratitude, being incredibly grateful for this life, for my kids, for my husband and our friends and family who love us.  

I saw so much of myself in your writings :D the desire for excitement, the feeling like when life gets slow and boring that I'm more prone to depressive thoughts, etc. The desire for glamour and flair, etc.  For some personality types, living a normal, regular life feels more difficult, and so you'll cycle through these ups and downs.  But again, with time and patience through gratitude, that goes away and you kind of settle into this peaceful realization that the slow times of life are really nice, maybe even more enjoyable than the exciting dramatic ones.

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Can this be true and still be an optimist? I kind of reject the idea of things like bipolar. I know nothing of this by the way, but what little I have read, it is actually a very extreme and deliberating mental illness and more rare than maybe a lot of psychologists maybe jumping diagnose? My gut feeling is, I am kind of anti-therapy, mostly for myself. Never tried it but I don’t know, in your opinion, what do you make of therapy as a concept?

I guess you have to ask yourself if you're usually happy and thankful, or if you truly are usually sad and see only the negative of everything.  Only you could really know that about yourself I think... but to me, reading how it doesn't seem to take much to make you very happy and satisfied with your life (even pre-kids) you just sound like a genuinely happy person.  And happy people tend to be true optimists.  

There are a lot of people who are almost incapable of finding lasting happiness.  They are constant complainers, criticizers, and almost always negative.  You just did not come across that way... at all.

I've always tended to be more happy than not.  My parents would remark on it, that I was always smiling, always happy.  And my personality now tends to find humor everywhere.  I joke with my husband, I joke with our kids, constantly... we are almost always laughing when together as a family.  Our kids (unless they're fighting) are usually laughing or joking around... they are very happy kids.  But not everyone is like this.  There really are unhappy people (or kids!) out there.

Like I said way up there though, as far as your mental health and mood swings go, it really would depend on how long the depressive period lasts, and how high and low you go which translates to how much is it impacting your daily life and being able to get things done or function?  Is it harming your relationships?  Like are you not able to connect with your husband or kids, or does it cause massive fights etc.?  That kind of thing (which it didn't sound like you have problems with).  But in those circumstances, that's when it becomes something that needs more looking into... when you feel like it's really interfering with your life and how you want your life to go. When mood swings are causing nasty fights and hurting people you love - I don't think that's you, it doesn't sound like it from your journal, but that's what women experience when they have bipolar or Cluster B personality disorder type problems.  It tends to ruin their spousal relationship and relationships with their children.  So if you're able to bond, able to have a good, stable and loving relationship with them, your mood swings probably just fall into the regular range most women feel off and on (and deal with in different ways). 🙂 

Sorry to write so much!  Good grief!!!!

 

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So Elon Musk news keeps popping up on our computer... this guy is just hilarious, uh I love his humor!  

From telling an interviewer he, "used to be an alien," 👽 to now joking with Bezos not being able to get it up... lol... just funny 😆

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12 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

So Elon Musk news keeps popping up on our computer... this guy is just hilarious, uh I love his humor!  

From telling an interviewer he, "used to be an alien," 👽 to now joking with Bezos not being able to get it up... lol... just funny 😆

I often joke with my husband because the liberals have hijacked the internet he needs to get himself in order and create a new version for the common sense folk 😉

 

I can’t stop watching him either! I find his take on education interesting - he stared up his own small school right? When I think about the future and potential home schooling some research took me to him! 
 

Am I right in that you home school your children too? 
 

When I get my hands on the laptop marital do you mind if I message you?

All the best,

Lo x

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Just as a little something Bliss! I am an atheist as you know, and we don’t personally bring up our children “atheist” at all. We teach them to the best ability about all major religions and some more out there ones and then we add but some people don’t believe any of it or are simply unsure and this is called agnostic (I haven’t told any of this to even my eldest who is 3 yet though). So our philosophy is, instead of raising up a Catholic child or a Hindu child or an atheist child we are going to try and do our best from every angle and then basically say, this is what lots of different people believe across the world, what do you think? 
 

We teach them about all the religions out there as well, for our oldest, it's been part of his World History studies to also include an in-depth look into the religions around the world (Ancient, and now we've studied the Medieval cultures and religions that came about in that age). 

I think it's crucial for children to grow up educated about other religions and cultures, and yes, I do want them to be able to make judgment decisions on what they think is correct and right for them.

But we also study the Bible that way.  The last thing I want is to produce kids that blindly believe something they know nothing about.

Last year, my husband went through with our oldest using a book that gave tons of hard evidence for why the Bible is true.  It was a great book written by a detective, in effort for the Bible to have to prove itself true. 

Doing that is a study called Apologetics.  There are a lot of Atheists that set out to disprove Christianity, and end up finding overwhelming evidence in support of it, to the point where they feel almost forced to have to convert.  So doing an Apologetics study is intense, it is completely evidence based faith, and gives our kids a strong, firm foundation of why they believe what they believe.

*****

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If my children decided from that they wanted to have a faith of any kind, I wouldn’t mind. I am trying to keep their minds as open as possible and just to simply, let them decide when they are ready. I know that may sound new age wishy washy but I feel this is the most neutral stand point and I guess it’s kinda just how we have decided to approach faith and religion. They know some of the mums I know, that their kids go to church and I did explain what they do in church once, and a playgroup we used to go to before covid was held in a community church but it was just a venue for the kids to play, there were no sermons etc.

I may be wrong, but my impression is that Christians in the UK (or Canada it seems) don't even know what they claim to believe.  It doesn't seem like most of them have ever actually studied their own faiths much... or looked to see if any of it could be backed up with evidence like science and historical findings etc.  This gives the impression that they lack any conviction, and so pass that lack of any conviction and passion (or education) on their kids.  Am I right?

The US seems to have more Christians with conviction in large part because enough parents teach their kids to look at their faith very critically and with an open mind to the evidence behind it.  

The UK/Canada seem to focus more on what I'd call, "blind faith."  Do what I say, not as I do, kind of philosophy that kids hate.  So then when their kids grow up, they break away from their, "faith," but in reality, they never really believed in it anyway.

I could be wrong, but that's my impression of the differences in our regions 🤷‍♀️

 

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Your atheist alternative universe husband may of had the same approach as I would have but I understand where it gets complicated if you wanted to teach them the Bible was the truth right from the off, there may be conflict there definitely, I can see that 😌

But unlike many atheists I know, our bookcase has the good old King James Version right there on the shelf along with the Quran and some books on Buddhism and one on Jainism even. My husbands uncle is also a Quaker which I believe is a branch of Protestant Christianity? My parents were Methodist but my husbands cousins are also Catholic and as you are probably aware a Catholic wedding and christening is quite a different affair to a Methodist one!

 

I had a wonderful mentor who fell in love and married an Atheist - he was her first intense, serious love, and she's endured a lifetime of heartache, almost 20 years of having to see that decision play itself out.

Attending church alone with her kids.

Having no spiritual leader for her household (in Christianity, the husband is seen as the spiritual leader).  That feeling of being what the Bible warns, "unequally yoked," there's a part of her he'll never, "get."

Her husband never reading their kids Bible stories and never being a part of their spiritual journey or maturity. 

It is a huge, massive loss she actually has to grieve over.

So we really would never have worked out.  But my husband fulfills that role so perfectly, and it was definitely something he grew into on his own (he was nominally Catholic, but had zero convictions and lived more Atheistic, so he's grown even though I never pushed him to).  Somehow I could tell he would, and he proved me right ❤️.

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I love Mother's Day!!!  ❤️❤️❤️  My husband gave me the card last night, he couldn't wait, ugh it's been a romantic few days anyway, celebrating him being, "off." 

Even my mom came to celebrate with the kids and I and brought Sangria & Mango sodas and Mexican cookie-candies (Cinco de Mayo) and May the 4th stuff (!!!) ugh it's been so much fun!  She brought Pina Coladas for us, prompting my husband to go out and buy some good rum (Oh yum!)  :D 

We had all the ingredients to make Bananas Foster, too, so I doubled a recipe and we enjoyed that.  The kids loved seeing the fire from the rum creating blue flames it was so hot! 

We had a release the lady bugs night into our garden!  I think I'm going to hopefully get fireflies next for our 2 birthdays coming up.  Releasing fireflies into the night sounds like the perfect ending for a birthday party :D ❤️ We've been having so much fun - too much!  Ugh! 

I decided to tackle another landscaping/gardening project and my husband had to dig over 12 holes for me - he insisted, even though I usually do all that stuff with him usually working.  I had been saving some special plants to use in this project for months now... maybe since November, so it was NICE to see all that hard work pay off, growing them from babies etc.

We still have so much more to do... that winter storm knocked out 2 of the 4 gorgeous bougainvillea's (UGH!) They were soooo beyond gorgeous, and reaching 7-8 ft in height, 4-5 ft across.  At least 2 survived... the other two were different genetically so obviously I'll be getting the next two to match the genetically better plants (Juanita Hattens spec.).

❤️ 

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So my MIL sent a Happy Mother's Day text yesterday, and of course I wanted to respond, but something held me back this time. 

Just the way she has treated my husband really bothers me, and part of me feels like acknowledging her text, being simply polite, would be condoning her actions toward him.  Usually I'd love to be kind and reply back, but it made me think of how she wouldn't respond to pictures of our kids, or our daughter getting her first dance shoes, etc.  It made me think of how she and my FIL are taking his brother/SIL's, "side," when they really don't have to.  For our kids' sake, they shouldn't have taken anyone's side. 

They could have been Switzerland. 

My husband refusing to go to counseling just to figure out why his brother isn't interested in our kids, is a wise decision.  I'm so proud of him that he refused!  We left the door open... if they wanted to be in our kids' lives, they'd have to be consistent and actually take some kind of interest in them.  Our kids aren't toys, they have feelings, emotions and needs. 

And now they've hidden the birth of our nephew from my husband, which I knew would happen, but it still feels kind of shocking that she can so casually wish me a Happy Mother's Day, while at the same time hiding the nephew's birth from my husband.  He only found out because his brother posted a picture a month later on facebook.  At least I can reward myself for being right.  🤲

...

My husband also got a random text from his dad asking if some old text books they had belonged to us.  We've never lived with them, we both went to college hours away from them, why on earth would they be ours?  My husband's sister and brother and his SIL have ALL lived in his parents house off and on, through college and after, so of course it probably belongs to one of those 3.

I think he just wanted an excuse to reach out and see if my husband would respond.  Apparently after the silent treatment phase (which lasted almost 5 months), the narcissist tries other tactics to get you back into communication with them.  They don't want a full on estrangement, they just want to be able to, "punish," us for a few months, and then be able to contact us again like nothing happened when it's the kids' birthday time or recital time.  It's so obvious they just want access to the kids, they don't really care about us personally.

Don't ask us for favors, or niceties, or especially access to our kids when you constantly lie to us, treat us like garbage, and have absolutely no clue who we are and what we want.  (Thank you D.G.!)

All of it is just so unhealthy and toxic.  These people really are messed up, and being, "polite," to them somehow doesn't feel right (at this time) for me.  

I'm so tempted to respond something that would force her to confront her actions.  Myself being a mother for almost 11 years, I can't understand how another mother could treat one of her kids like this.  It's not fair to our kids that they don't have normal, loving Grandparents.  

But the smarter thing is to just be silent probably, and block her so that I won't receive her texts anymore.  👍

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I think it is a good choice. I would just ignore them. I had my SIL on ignore on my phone for 2 years because she was a bytch to my husband. And my in-laws I have ignored before . 
 

Now more or less I make peace with my MIL because her life is at a close and I have the power now . 

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Yea... her well-wishing just seems so fake.  

Normally I can be polite and civil, but this feels worse somehow. 

Plus he told me he couldn't bring himself to call or text her yesterday.  So at least we're both on the same page with feeling disenchanted to say the least. 

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2 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Yea... her well-wishing just seems so fake.  

Normally I can be polite and civil, but this feels worse somehow. 

Plus he told me he couldn't bring himself to call or text her yesterday.  So at least we're both on the same page with feeling disenchanted to say the least. 

Well the chickens come home to roost eventually and now they are seeing it . 
 

My MIL is going to be 87 so she is on borrowed time no point in fighting now . 

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