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How Do You Balance Life with Kids?


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The crazy thing is that we still like his parents!  We want to help them have a relationship with us and our kids (even though they really have proven they can't watch them alone... verbal abuse and all... ).  They still somehow make us out to be, "disturbed," etc.

And meanwhile my husband's sister is still treating her mom like her personal slave.  7 day a week childcare, zero pay, AND even though they have a beautiful two story home now with enough room for her inside (!) she told my husband last time he talked with her, that she was living inside their old RV (in their yard... literally 20 feet from their new house)!  

She assured him she was, "warm enough," inside the old, run-down RV....

So during the severe weather we had, his sister did not invite her own mother to stay with them INSIDE their house.  She had to stay in the old RV, risk losing power and water, etc. (we're not sure what exacctly she did lose they won't say), and they never brought her in!!!! 

How one can treat their own mother like this, I just don't know?  

And how they can continue to see her as this perfect, "golden child," (major LOL) is really beyond me.  She really uses them... and it borders on elder abuse as they're getting close to 70 in a couple of years!  

Oh well.. Must Let Go... !

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I agree and disagree. I think that as people get older, our personalities, characters, habits, etc., become "calcified," and less influenced by outside forces. But I credit my years and year

Avoided? I don't think of it like that! I mean, I've "avoided" a lot in life. I've avoided living in Africa, I've avoided becoming an accountant, I've avoided bungee jumping from a hot air balloon. Bu

You and I are fortunate regarding help from husbands.  My husband helps me with everything so I've been very lucky.  Even though he helps me immensely, I was extremely busy especially when my son

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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

And meanwhile my husband's sister is still treating her mom like her personal slave.  7 day a week childcare, zero pay,

Hmm I always thought letting your (generally speaking) kids stay with the grandparents is more like a favor for both the kids and the grandparents, not an obligation and certainly not slavery. Actually, I find it offensive offering to pay your parents to watch your kids (I mean from your parents' perspective).  Again though, I am coming from a very different cultural background and the years I spent with my grandparents were the best years I had as a child. Idealistic you could say!

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2 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

The crazy thing is that we still like his parents!  We want to help them have a relationship with us and our kids (even though they really have proven they can't watch them alone... verbal abuse and all... ).  They still somehow make us out to be, "disturbed," etc.

And meanwhile my husband's sister is still treating her mom like her personal slave.  7 day a week childcare, zero pay, AND even though they have a beautiful two story home now with enough room for her inside (!) she told my husband last time he talked with her, that she was living inside their old RV (in their yard... literally 20 feet from their new house)!  

She assured him she was, "warm enough," inside the old, run-down RV....

So during the severe weather we had, his sister did not invite her own mother to stay with them INSIDE their house.  She had to stay in the old RV, risk losing power and water, etc. (we're not sure what exacctly she did lose they won't say), and they never brought her in!!!! 

How one can treat their own mother like this, I just don't know?  

And how they can continue to see her as this perfect, "golden child," (major LOL) is really beyond me.  She really uses them... and it borders on elder abuse as they're getting close to 70 in a couple of years!  

Oh well.. Must Let Go... !

Who the hell does that to their  own mother ??? I wouldn’t have even done that to my father who let me starve . 

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2 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

And how they can continue to see her as this perfect, "golden child," (major LOL) is really beyond me.  She really uses them...

it's weird, right? But I think that some truly prefer indifference. They see a person's sense of responsibility almost as a "handle" that they can use to control that person. Responsible people are viewed as controllable and weak, whereas the neglectful, self-centered ones are seen as strong. Sometimes it seems like the human race is dividing into two different kinds of people.

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1 hour ago, dias said:

Hmm I always thought letting your (generally speaking) kids stay with the grandparents is more like a favor for both the kids and the grandparents, not an obligation and certainly not slavery. Actually, I find it offensive offering to pay your parents to watch your kids (I mean from your parents' perspective).  Again though, I am coming from a very different cultural background and the years I spent with my grandparents were the best years I had as a child. Idealistic you could say!

It's really complicated, Dias... she's using them and severely taking advantage of them and their unconditional love for her.

This virus really is dangerous to the elderly... but this entire time she's had them living in a COVID hotspot town (very dangerous town in general as far as crime goes, too), in an old RV... she makes them watch her child INside the RV only (they can't watch him inside their nice house for some reason.  She doesn't want her mom inside their house (it's really odd).

Her mom is massively overweight. Like over 300 pounds.  I'm not trying to be mean, just stating facts so you can, 'see," what her POS daughter is doing to her.  

Watching her grandchild is of course, nice and of course it's good for that child.  BUT she makes her watch him 7 days a week (according to my MIL) and she forces her to watch the toddler inside an RV... which is VERY hard to do, lots of small spaces... it's hard to move around inside an RV anyway, but then add in the factor of being very overweight... having had a knee replacement surgery a couple of years ago (so this MIL has VERY bad joints in general due to the being overweight...)  moving around is hard and painful for her!  I can only imagine living in that small of a space... trying to watch a toddler ONLY in that space, is like a Hellish type of environment, no matter how much joy she gets from it also.

Her daughter doesn't even allow her for one day off.  

I would never ever do this to my mom.  I just respect her a lot more than that, and I honor her in the way I allow them to watch our kids (pre COVID) and would never force her to watch our kids inside an RV.  My mom has weight problems as well, and also had a knee replacement surgery and has painful joints.  So I totally understand what my MIL goes through on the norm as far as living with pain goes.  And it boggles my mind they don't care about her it seems.

.....

And then having her out in the severe weather... there were I think over 40 people who DIED in this weather... one was in an RV/mobile home because it lost power and the child died of hypothermia.

They left my MIL out there... in that kind of dangerous environment... and didn't allow her to come in the house.  She realistically could have died, and it would have been their fault (SIL and her husband).  But I'm sure they never would have taken responsibility.

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Also, the SIL doesn't like being a parent... it's obvious.  I'd feel differently if she actually spent time with her child and just had our MIL living with them, that would make sense.  But she's actively using the MIL like a defacto parent, so that she gets out of the majority of the parenting duties/tasks, etc.

Then you add on top of that, her almost freezing her mom to death... I mean my first thoughts when my husband told me all of this after his phone call to them last week, was, "OMG what about the tiny ladder she has to use to go up and down into the RV?!?  I'm sure it's frozen over with ice in these temps... how is she managing out there all alone (FIL had to go back to their original city to work)?  She has bad knees and joints, and then they're making her climb in and out on a tiny frozen ladder.... "

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10 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I would never ever do this to my mom.  I just respect her a lot more than that, and I honor her in the way I allow them to watch our kids (pre COVID) and would never force her to watch our kids inside an RV.  My mom has weight problems as well, and also had a knee replacement surgery and has painful joints.  So I totally understand what my MIL goes through on the norm as far as living with pain goes.  And it boggles my mind they don't care about her it seems.

I would also add that my mom would never put up with this.  I think a lot of why our MIL does put up with such bad treatment is because it helps them to control her daughter's family via guilt.  They are in-debited to her/them for all they do for her.  It's a toxic relationship they're obviously both choosing.

My mom respects herself a lot more... she has healthy boundaries... of course she loves watching our kids and doing things with them, but she would never allow me to shirk my role as parent, and take advantage of her replacing my role. 

I would actually love for my mom to live with us.  But she'd be given an honorable role of respect in our household.  Our kids would see us honoring her and she'd be living a life of luxury (and I've offered this to my mom... she knows she can have this at any time).  She would be in the kids' lives ❤️ , but not for taking advantage of her, exhausting her to an early grave.  The way my SIL is using MIL, it's going to lead to an early grave... they are not honoring her or respecting her.

Usually when a parent comes to live with you, it's so that you can take care of them (in older age)... it's so that the adult kids can make sure their elderly parents live out the end of their lives in an easy-going fashion, with dignity and respect.

Nothing about their toxic situation says, "dignity," to me.  It's exactly the opposite.

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

It's really complicated, Dias...

Yes it is. I am not in your shoes to understand the situation completely and the dynamics in your family. From what you wrote your SIS seems to be too much on the taker side....

I guess I cherry-picked that particular sentence because it struck a chord. My mistake.

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1 minute ago, dias said:

Yes it is. I am not in your shoes to understand the situation completely and the dynamics in your family. From what you wrote your SIS seems to be too much on the taker side....

I guess I cherry-picked that particular sentence because it struck a chord. My mistake.

No, it's fine!  I understood you perfectly.  My Grandparents watched me from infancy to toddlerhood, but it was only for certain hours while my parents worked, and not 7 days a week....   I still think it was kind of hard on them even though they loved it, they really needed those days, "off," from watching me to recover.

And I get it, you're not a parent yet, so I get it that maybe some of this is kind of, "out there," to imagine.  

Allow me to set up another logic-based argument on this 😂

Usually a grandparent only raises their grandchildren in extreme situations.  

It only usually happens like this, where a Grandparent has to step in and care for the child 7 days a week with no breaks or days off, etc. when the parent abuses drugs, is abusive to the children or neglectful, or is unemployed, or incarcerated (long prison sentences), or is deployed overseas and not available to be there... etc.  It's just not the norm, even in old world societies, to be used 7 days a week, with no time, "off," to recuperate or to themselves.  It's odd and abnormal for a reason.  Maybe somewhere it's acceptable, I don't know... But typically, Grandparents are not expected to go to drive themselves to an early grave over the exhaustion of becoming new parents again so their kids don't have to be.

Out of all the extreme situations that call for it, it's looking like SIL falls into, "neglectful parenting," (unofficial of course, obviously she still has custody).  I'm sure it's perfectly legal to make sure your parents raise your child for you, whether or not it's right is another matter entirely.

 

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2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I would seriously report that woman for child endangerment. 

It's complicated, Seraphim....  The sublime irony in all of this is that she works for the agency that takes kids away.  She travels all around our state, playing a major part in other parents losing rights to their kids, and then ironically, her mom is the one almost completely caring for her own.  

Sublime Irony. 

You just can't make this stuff up!

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So my husband's parents had been giving us, "The Silent Treatment," for about 2 months until he broke it (first) by worrying how they were doing in the severe weather.  

What I mean by the Silent Treatment is they do passive things that are still rejection.  They routinely ignore cute texts I'll send with pictures of their grandchildren in it, literally replying nothing back (as if it didn't go through). 

When I talked to my mentor about that she advised I totally stop sending them pictures of our kids.  Of course this seems cruel to me, I think, "surely they'll miss seeing them!"  But they're using it to, "punish," me by ignoring them, which is the silent treatment and form of emotional abuse.

It's like sick mind games or something.  I just don't understand how people can act like this.  And none of the extended family members know they act like this.  They seem very nice and probably like perfect people who are just so helpful (MIL living full-time in another city and watching SIL's child kind of helpful).

They ignored my asking if they were ok during the storm, yet answered for my husband, but only to them punish him at the end with the calculated passive aggressive comment.

That kind of thing.

So apparently you shouldn't, "break," first with a narcissist who is pulling this, "silent treatment," thing. 

My husband was kind and worried about them legitimately, but it was only used against him in the end.

Technically, it seems like he shouldn't have contacted them first... that's what a narcissist doing the silent treatment desires... for you to break under the strange emotional abuse of rejecting you/ignoring you.  They want you to be the one having to contact them because you can't stand being ignored or something.

I did bring it up to him that they certainly didn't answer my text asking if they were ok... and they certainly weren't checking on us or the kids to see if we were ok at all.  

He really didn't have to check on them, yet I get it that those things could also make him worried they weren't ok!  It's odd but predictable that his kindness was used against him.  

They are still kind of continuing the strange silent treatment, and only reached out to call for one of the kids' birthdays recently.  

It was nice, but it was probably the most awkward phone conversation ever... it was on speaker, so all of us could talk and hear them, they didn't sound happy at all, and didn't hardly say anything to us or the kids... which was just so odd and awkward. 

The kids were also eerily quiet, expecting their grandparents to you know... talk to them!  

Wow was it odd!

I guess we could have waited and called them back then next day, that way it wouldn't have interrupted the moment and made the birthday dinner scene so awkward for a bit.  It was a relief when they got off the phone though.  They didn't have anything to say, so at least it was ended pretty fast.

And I don't know why, but I still feel so sorry for these people!  They really don't have to be like this... it makes their own lives miserable!

After we got off the phone, the awkwardness dissipated and we continued to have fun, eat cake and laugh with each other and play and talk.  Phew!  

 

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I should probably add just so that I can look back at this later on....

The only solution I've found for the silent treatment is to carry on living our your life happily without them... to go, "No Contact."

But I don't get for how long?  Until they do something and break, like when they called for one of our kids' recent birthdays?  

And then we just go right back to it?  😂  LOL

It's all honestly too much for me to keep up with.  Like crazy mind games that I'm just not that interested in playing. 🤷‍♀️

If anyone has any advice or experience with this, I'm all ears... 

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I just let my husband handle his nest of goons. I know he wants me to LOOOOOVE them because you know they LOOOOOVE youuuuuu. 🙄🙄🙄( yeah right) it is just his wildest dream . 

 

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16 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I just let my husband handle his nest of goons

Yea that's what I'm letting him do.  He doesn't send them anything though... I'm the one who sends them pics of the kids, cards for their birthdays (from all of us obviously), pictures in the cards, etc.  So if I totally stop, nothing will get done.

But I guess that's ok?

I don't know... I'm probably going to get a card (or see if my husband wants to pick one at the store) and we'll send it for his dad's birthday with pictures of the kids in it.  

I still feel like us doing the right thing or kind thing, is right, no matter if it's appreciated, etc.

(But I'll heed my mentor's advice and stop with sending them pics in text messages... since they don't respond, it is basically inviting them to be rude/disrespectful to me, which I guess I don't need to do).

Edited by maritalbliss86
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6 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Yea that's what I'm letting him do.  He doesn't send them anything though... I'm the one who sends them pics of the kids, cards for their birthdays (from all of us obviously), pictures in the cards, etc.  So if I totally stop, nothing will get done.

But I guess that's ok?

I don't know... I'm probably going to get a card (or see if my husband wants to pick one at the store) and we'll send it for his dad's birthday with pictures of the kids in it.  

I still feel like us doing the right thing or kind thing, is right, no matter if it's appreciated, etc.

(But I'll heed my mentor's advice and stop with sending them pics in text messages... since they don't respond, it is basically inviting them to be rude/disrespectful to me, which I guess I don't need to do).

I totally stopped handling ANYTHING to do with his family. I don’t care about cards or birthdays or pictures or anything. If he does he does if he doesn’t he doesn’t. I don’t care . Callus? Maybe but so are they. 

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This is random... hence the journal I guess... but I kind of wish Meghan and Harry weren't doing this Oprah tell-all interview thing.  

I am sympathetic to the things they seemingly had to go through... but I don't think airing their dirty laundry is the right thing to do in this situation.

Does it suck they're being judged, possibly unfairly, and feeling like no one has really heard or listened to their side?  Yeah... but how is this going to help anything?

It actually makes me feel more sorry for the Queen.  

Plus, Meghan is pregnant... you'd think she'd want to avoid the extra stress of all of this.  But maybe it's therapeutic for them, or revenge, I don't know.  It must not be bothering her that much, or she wouldn't have taken this on while so vulnerable.

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29 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

This is random... hence the journal I guess... but I kind of wish Meghan and Harry weren't doing this Oprah tell-all interview thing.  

I am sympathetic to the things they seemingly had to go through... but I don't think airing their dirty laundry is the right thing to do in this situation.

Does it suck they're being judged, possibly unfairly, and feeling like no one has really heard or listened to their side?  Yeah... but how is this going to help anything?

It actually makes me feel more sorry for the Queen.  

Plus, Meghan is pregnant... you'd think she'd want to avoid the extra stress of all of this.  But maybe it's therapeutic for them, or revenge, I don't know.  It must not be bothering her that much, or she wouldn't have taken this on while so vulnerable.

Oh Meghan wasn’t bullied. There have been allegations back to 2018 of her bullying staff so badly they need therapy . She swore at the Governor of Australia and his wife and the palace had to smooth that over. She threw a hot pot of tea all over a staff member of Admiralty House in Australia. She was almost charged but Harry paid them off the shut up. Don’t believe their victim narrative . It is complete crap. She also took our country for 60,000 in protection payments when she KNEW she was running for CA. And Hapless well there is NO EXCUSE for him. One of the most privileged people in the world . 

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Everything is being reported in the London Times a very reputable paper. Buckingham Palace even put out a statement they are investigating it. It makes them look bad too. Would they really do that if it wasn’t true? The Palace rarely puts out statements or comments on accusations of anything. So must be something to it. She is a nasty piece of work from teenager on up spoiled to the point of mental health issues. And Harry he is a privileged a$$ who needed his family to rescue him from himself all the time . He will pay BIG TIME when his brother becomes King. 

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26 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

It makes them look bad too.

Yea, it makes them look really bad!

The royal family, especially the Queen herself, they treated Princess Diana horribly, though.  Its strange everyone's forgetting that... the Queen didn't even want to give her a royal funeral!  She was despised... and from the get-go they took advantage of her being only 20, literally tricked her into marrying someone who would have never loved her.  That was her reality.  And boy is it ever ugly and makes the royal family look awful.

So I do suspect there is some truth in what Meghan/Harry went through, granted maybe they should have handled it better.

Even the closest aid to the Queen (for many years) was upset at the way the Queen treated Dianna, as per an interview with him where I heard him actually say this.  He thought they were just cruel to her.

That's Harry's mother.  They were cruel and spiteful, to his own mother.

I think he's grown up having to reconcile that.  That his sweet-seeming Grandmother, the Queen, is not actually that nice or kind of a person in real life.  

**Side note** It is unfortunate that the only way we can understand what all happens in real life with these people, is only through interviews where it really shames them.  That personal aid to the Queen and Dianna, I only know his thoughts on how cruelly they treated her, because he did a, "Tell All," interview years back (before Meghan/Harry).  

Normally I'd think these tell-all interviews are bad etiquette, but without them, we'd never know the full story of what these people are really like to deal with day-to-day.

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Diana was also William’s mother . Do we see him acting like this? No. 
 

Diana was also no saint , she used the media when she wanted and have it go away when she wanted. Did she have a rough go? Yes. Was she saint Diana ? No. She used her son , William as a confidante for all her mental issues when he was a teen. He was mocked at school for her infamous interviews. She threw herself down a flight of stairs while 5 months pregnant with him. 
 

Meghan is also a Diana stalker nut. She wants to be Diana so bad she can taste it. She whips him into a frenzy about his mom and against his grandparents who helped raise him . She is an evil piece of work. 
 

She even had to admit she lied about not being involved with “ Finding Freedom” . How many times do people need to hear her lies? 

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3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Diana was also William’s mother . Do we see him acting like this? No. 

Yes, he and Kate have handled things so much better.  I don't know though... I think William and Harry had different realities growing up possibly... otherwise it's hard to explain how they act so differently.  

It makes sense to me because my husband has a very different reality from what his siblings experienced. 

For some reason, his parents were more abusive toward him (verbally emotionally and physically) while his sister was let off for everything (and of course, not abused verbally/emotionally/physically), and she did a lot that was wrong... she did things they would have killed my husband for.  Like throw parties at their house when they were gone (they did find out, and no she wasn't really punished).  She was caught drinking alcohol in high school.  She also had topless photos of her released around the high school by fellow teens who she took them with... her parents were disappointed, but she was never really punished for things like that.  

There are more examples I could give because their childhoods were just so different, but the point is that altogether it created an attitude of entitlement in her that my husband doesn't have, because he was never allowed to have that attitude in life.  So she doesn't understand where my husband is coming from... she actually believes her parents did amazing in raising their 3 children.  Every year, she makes these glowing posts on social media about how amazing her parents were in raising them, how they have the perfect marriage, and she actually tags my husband in her posts (!) and it's like she really wants him to believe her reality - agree with her reality - that it was a golden childhood, that he should be grateful, and lavish fake praise on his parents, too.

Her parents marriage is in shambles though.  They live in a sexless marriage according to FIL, and whenever we're around them, he's verbally abusing her... in front of our children!  It makes us all uncomfortable... he even does it when we're out so it's humiliating for her!  How his sister can make these (very fake) social media posts is beyond me.   But I think she truly lives in a different reality where her parents' marriage is perfect, they raised their children absolutely perfectly, and my husband's thoughts on it being different offend her and won't be toleratedHis opinions don't get to exist.

We don't know... maybe something like that is going on (?) 

Probably not, but I guess I see things like this in a slightly different light.  Of course I could be wrong though.

I wonder if Harry may not have enjoyed the way his grandparents raised him (?), or his dad's attitude about everything after his mom died?  He may have experienced them trying to turn him psychologically, against his mom?  We don't know.  I have no idea, but it's hard for me to believe that Meghan was able to turn him against his grandparents without reason.  It's more likely that he already felt that way.  

I know my husband's family thinks that way about me (which is probably why I see it all in a different light)... they truly believe I'm the one that turned him against his own parents, etc.  One aunt actually told me I was responsible for separating him from, "The people who love him the most!"  It made no sense to me, as he was (at that time) actively choosing to step back from them and take a break from them on his own.  They aren't nice to him and they practically don't even know him... his own siblings have never had a close relationship with him at all, even now they are not even remotely interested in our kids or getting to know them, so it surprised me this aunt thought I was the sole responsible party in him choosing estrangement some years ago.  I think it was easier for them to blame me.  It's harder for people to realize someone they love is rejecting them himself.  

It's ironic now that after years of other family members dealing with his parents (over a decade), a few are starting to come around and contact us on their own!  We actually have a good relationship with some of them individually now.  His parents really have fed other people lies that they were solely the victims, but finally some relatives have started to see through it, and it's been such a blessing.

His dad is narcissistic, so he pisses other people off if given enough time, and he's really pissed off his own parents (my husband's grandparents - his Grandpa died last year though) and his own siblings (my husband's aunt and uncles on that side), through the way he treated them in their final years.  That aunt that told me I was responsible for separating my husband from them, she's actually come around to see we aren't the main problem.  She and her husband have been taking care of his grandparents in their final years, and so they've seen firsthand how my FIL acts under pressure.  And he's also blamed them for not caring for his parents correctly in his mind, he believes they're being, "too nice," to his dying parents and, "Killing them."  His reasoning is that if they made them do more for themselves, they'd live longer.  He thinks they're pampering them too much.  And we've been told he actually angered his own mother (my husband's Grandmother) for yelling at them and being too demanding and basically verbally abusive to his elderly parents!

I guess while taking care of his elderly parents, he fell back into the way he parented, which was abusive methods.  But now, other people were witness to it (the aunt and uncles), as opposed to it being behind closed doors before when my husband was a kid.  

Instead of being grateful his brother and SIL were sacrificing their time, energy, and efforts in caring for his parents, he resorted to extreme criticism, telling other people even (like us etc.) that they were, "Killing them!"  That's the thanks they get LOL....  their reputations slandered and lies spread around... just like he did to us back then.

So finally... finally... other relatives are starting to see it may not have 100% been us as the problem.

Still I think the interview was probably not a good idea.  They are so old, and this could have gone away somewhat with time.  

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