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How Do You Balance Life with Kids?


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The crazy thing is that we still like his parents!  We want to help them have a relationship with us and our kids (even though they really have proven they can't watch them alone... verbal abuse and all... ).  They still somehow make us out to be, "disturbed," etc.

And meanwhile my husband's sister is still treating her mom like her personal slave.  7 day a week childcare, zero pay, AND even though they have a beautiful two story home now with enough room for her inside (!) she told my husband last time he talked with her, that she was living inside their old RV (in their yard... literally 20 feet from their new house)!  

She assured him she was, "warm enough," inside the old, run-down RV....

So during the severe weather we had, his sister did not invite her own mother to stay with them INSIDE their house.  She had to stay in the old RV, risk losing power and water, etc. (we're not sure what exacctly she did lose they won't say), and they never brought her in!!!! 

How one can treat their own mother like this, I just don't know?  

And how they can continue to see her as this perfect, "golden child," (major LOL) is really beyond me.  She really uses them... and it borders on elder abuse as they're getting close to 70 in a couple of years!  

Oh well.. Must Let Go... !

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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

And meanwhile my husband's sister is still treating her mom like her personal slave.  7 day a week childcare, zero pay,

Hmm I always thought letting your (generally speaking) kids stay with the grandparents is more like a favor for both the kids and the grandparents, not an obligation and certainly not slavery. Actually, I find it offensive offering to pay your parents to watch your kids (I mean from your parents' perspective).  Again though, I am coming from a very different cultural background and the years I spent with my grandparents were the best years I had as a child. Idealistic you could say!

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2 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

The crazy thing is that we still like his parents!  We want to help them have a relationship with us and our kids (even though they really have proven they can't watch them alone... verbal abuse and all... ).  They still somehow make us out to be, "disturbed," etc.

And meanwhile my husband's sister is still treating her mom like her personal slave.  7 day a week childcare, zero pay, AND even though they have a beautiful two story home now with enough room for her inside (!) she told my husband last time he talked with her, that she was living inside their old RV (in their yard... literally 20 feet from their new house)!  

She assured him she was, "warm enough," inside the old, run-down RV....

So during the severe weather we had, his sister did not invite her own mother to stay with them INSIDE their house.  She had to stay in the old RV, risk losing power and water, etc. (we're not sure what exacctly she did lose they won't say), and they never brought her in!!!! 

How one can treat their own mother like this, I just don't know?  

And how they can continue to see her as this perfect, "golden child," (major LOL) is really beyond me.  She really uses them... and it borders on elder abuse as they're getting close to 70 in a couple of years!  

Oh well.. Must Let Go... !

Who the hell does that to their  own mother ??? I wouldn’t have even done that to my father who let me starve . 

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2 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

And how they can continue to see her as this perfect, "golden child," (major LOL) is really beyond me.  She really uses them...

it's weird, right? But I think that some truly prefer indifference. They see a person's sense of responsibility almost as a "handle" that they can use to control that person. Responsible people are viewed as controllable and weak, whereas the neglectful, self-centered ones are seen as strong. Sometimes it seems like the human race is dividing into two different kinds of people.

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1 hour ago, dias said:

Hmm I always thought letting your (generally speaking) kids stay with the grandparents is more like a favor for both the kids and the grandparents, not an obligation and certainly not slavery. Actually, I find it offensive offering to pay your parents to watch your kids (I mean from your parents' perspective).  Again though, I am coming from a very different cultural background and the years I spent with my grandparents were the best years I had as a child. Idealistic you could say!

It's really complicated, Dias... she's using them and severely taking advantage of them and their unconditional love for her.

This virus really is dangerous to the elderly... but this entire time she's had them living in a COVID hotspot town (very dangerous town in general as far as crime goes, too), in an old RV... she makes them watch her child INside the RV only (they can't watch him inside their nice house for some reason.  She doesn't want her mom inside their house (it's really odd).

Her mom is massively overweight. Like over 300 pounds.  I'm not trying to be mean, just stating facts so you can, 'see," what her POS daughter is doing to her.  

Watching her grandchild is of course, nice and of course it's good for that child.  BUT she makes her watch him 7 days a week (according to my MIL) and she forces her to watch the toddler inside an RV... which is VERY hard to do, lots of small spaces... it's hard to move around inside an RV anyway, but then add in the factor of being very overweight... having had a knee replacement surgery a couple of years ago (so this MIL has VERY bad joints in general due to the being overweight...)  moving around is hard and painful for her!  I can only imagine living in that small of a space... trying to watch a toddler ONLY in that space, is like a Hellish type of environment, no matter how much joy she gets from it also.

Her daughter doesn't even allow her for one day off.  

I would never ever do this to my mom.  I just respect her a lot more than that, and I honor her in the way I allow them to watch our kids (pre COVID) and would never force her to watch our kids inside an RV.  My mom has weight problems as well, and also had a knee replacement surgery and has painful joints.  So I totally understand what my MIL goes through on the norm as far as living with pain goes.  And it boggles my mind they don't care about her it seems.

.....

And then having her out in the severe weather... there were I think over 40 people who DIED in this weather... one was in an RV/mobile home because it lost power and the child died of hypothermia.

They left my MIL out there... in that kind of dangerous environment... and didn't allow her to come in the house.  She realistically could have died, and it would have been their fault (SIL and her husband).  But I'm sure they never would have taken responsibility.

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Also, the SIL doesn't like being a parent... it's obvious.  I'd feel differently if she actually spent time with her child and just had our MIL living with them, that would make sense.  But she's actively using the MIL like a defacto parent, so that she gets out of the majority of the parenting duties/tasks, etc.

Then you add on top of that, her almost freezing her mom to death... I mean my first thoughts when my husband told me all of this after his phone call to them last week, was, "OMG what about the tiny ladder she has to use to go up and down into the RV?!?  I'm sure it's frozen over with ice in these temps... how is she managing out there all alone (FIL had to go back to their original city to work)?  She has bad knees and joints, and then they're making her climb in and out on a tiny frozen ladder.... "

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10 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I would never ever do this to my mom.  I just respect her a lot more than that, and I honor her in the way I allow them to watch our kids (pre COVID) and would never force her to watch our kids inside an RV.  My mom has weight problems as well, and also had a knee replacement surgery and has painful joints.  So I totally understand what my MIL goes through on the norm as far as living with pain goes.  And it boggles my mind they don't care about her it seems.

I would also add that my mom would never put up with this.  I think a lot of why our MIL does put up with such bad treatment is because it helps them to control her daughter's family via guilt.  They are in-debited to her/them for all they do for her.  It's a toxic relationship they're obviously both choosing.

My mom respects herself a lot more... she has healthy boundaries... of course she loves watching our kids and doing things with them, but she would never allow me to shirk my role as parent, and take advantage of her replacing my role. 

I would actually love for my mom to live with us.  But she'd be given an honorable role of respect in our household.  Our kids would see us honoring her and she'd be living a life of luxury (and I've offered this to my mom... she knows she can have this at any time).  She would be in the kids' lives ❤️ , but not for taking advantage of her, exhausting her to an early grave.  The way my SIL is using MIL, it's going to lead to an early grave... they are not honoring her or respecting her.

Usually when a parent comes to live with you, it's so that you can take care of them (in older age)... it's so that the adult kids can make sure their elderly parents live out the end of their lives in an easy-going fashion, with dignity and respect.

Nothing about their toxic situation says, "dignity," to me.  It's exactly the opposite.

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

It's really complicated, Dias...

Yes it is. I am not in your shoes to understand the situation completely and the dynamics in your family. From what you wrote your SIS seems to be too much on the taker side....

I guess I cherry-picked that particular sentence because it struck a chord. My mistake.

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1 minute ago, dias said:

Yes it is. I am not in your shoes to understand the situation completely and the dynamics in your family. From what you wrote your SIS seems to be too much on the taker side....

I guess I cherry-picked that particular sentence because it struck a chord. My mistake.

No, it's fine!  I understood you perfectly.  My Grandparents watched me from infancy to toddlerhood, but it was only for certain hours while my parents worked, and not 7 days a week....   I still think it was kind of hard on them even though they loved it, they really needed those days, "off," from watching me to recover.

And I get it, you're not a parent yet, so I get it that maybe some of this is kind of, "out there," to imagine.  

Allow me to set up another logic-based argument on this 😂

Usually a grandparent only raises their grandchildren in extreme situations.  

It only usually happens like this, where a Grandparent has to step in and care for the child 7 days a week with no breaks or days off, etc. when the parent abuses drugs, is abusive to the children or neglectful, or is unemployed, or incarcerated (long prison sentences), or is deployed overseas and not available to be there... etc.  It's just not the norm, even in old world societies, to be used 7 days a week, with no time, "off," to recuperate or to themselves.  It's odd and abnormal for a reason.  Maybe somewhere it's acceptable, I don't know... But typically, Grandparents are not expected to go to drive themselves to an early grave over the exhaustion of becoming new parents again so their kids don't have to be.

Out of all the extreme situations that call for it, it's looking like SIL falls into, "neglectful parenting," (unofficial of course, obviously she still has custody).  I'm sure it's perfectly legal to make sure your parents raise your child for you, whether or not it's right is another matter entirely.

 

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2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I would seriously report that woman for child endangerment. 

It's complicated, Seraphim....  The sublime irony in all of this is that she works for the agency that takes kids away.  She travels all around our state, playing a major part in other parents losing rights to their kids, and then ironically, her mom is the one almost completely caring for her own.  

Sublime Irony. 

You just can't make this stuff up!

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So my husband's parents had been giving us, "The Silent Treatment," for about 2 months until he broke it (first) by worrying how they were doing in the severe weather.  

What I mean by the Silent Treatment is they do passive things that are still rejection.  They routinely ignore cute texts I'll send with pictures of their grandchildren in it, literally replying nothing back (as if it didn't go through). 

When I talked to my mentor about that she advised I totally stop sending them pictures of our kids.  Of course this seems cruel to me, I think, "surely they'll miss seeing them!"  But they're using it to, "punish," me by ignoring them, which is the silent treatment and form of emotional abuse.

It's like sick mind games or something.  I just don't understand how people can act like this.  And none of the extended family members know they act like this.  They seem very nice and probably like perfect people who are just so helpful (MIL living full-time in another city and watching SIL's child kind of helpful).

They ignored my asking if they were ok during the storm, yet answered for my husband, but only to them punish him at the end with the calculated passive aggressive comment.

That kind of thing.

So apparently you shouldn't, "break," first with a narcissist who is pulling this, "silent treatment," thing. 

My husband was kind and worried about them legitimately, but it was only used against him in the end.

Technically, it seems like he shouldn't have contacted them first... that's what a narcissist doing the silent treatment desires... for you to break under the strange emotional abuse of rejecting you/ignoring you.  They want you to be the one having to contact them because you can't stand being ignored or something.

I did bring it up to him that they certainly didn't answer my text asking if they were ok... and they certainly weren't checking on us or the kids to see if we were ok at all.  

He really didn't have to check on them, yet I get it that those things could also make him worried they weren't ok!  It's odd but predictable that his kindness was used against him.  

They are still kind of continuing the strange silent treatment, and only reached out to call for one of the kids' birthdays recently.  

It was nice, but it was probably the most awkward phone conversation ever... it was on speaker, so all of us could talk and hear them, they didn't sound happy at all, and didn't hardly say anything to us or the kids... which was just so odd and awkward. 

The kids were also eerily quiet, expecting their grandparents to you know... talk to them!  

Wow was it odd!

I guess we could have waited and called them back then next day, that way it wouldn't have interrupted the moment and made the birthday dinner scene so awkward for a bit.  It was a relief when they got off the phone though.  They didn't have anything to say, so at least it was ended pretty fast.

And I don't know why, but I still feel so sorry for these people!  They really don't have to be like this... it makes their own lives miserable!

After we got off the phone, the awkwardness dissipated and we continued to have fun, eat cake and laugh with each other and play and talk.  Phew!  

 

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I should probably add just so that I can look back at this later on....

The only solution I've found for the silent treatment is to carry on living our your life happily without them... to go, "No Contact."

But I don't get for how long?  Until they do something and break, like when they called for one of our kids' recent birthdays?  

And then we just go right back to it?  😂  LOL

It's all honestly too much for me to keep up with.  Like crazy mind games that I'm just not that interested in playing. 🤷‍♀️

If anyone has any advice or experience with this, I'm all ears... 

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16 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I just let my husband handle his nest of goons

Yea that's what I'm letting him do.  He doesn't send them anything though... I'm the one who sends them pics of the kids, cards for their birthdays (from all of us obviously), pictures in the cards, etc.  So if I totally stop, nothing will get done.

But I guess that's ok?

I don't know... I'm probably going to get a card (or see if my husband wants to pick one at the store) and we'll send it for his dad's birthday with pictures of the kids in it.  

I still feel like us doing the right thing or kind thing, is right, no matter if it's appreciated, etc.

(But I'll heed my mentor's advice and stop with sending them pics in text messages... since they don't respond, it is basically inviting them to be rude/disrespectful to me, which I guess I don't need to do).

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6 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Yea that's what I'm letting him do.  He doesn't send them anything though... I'm the one who sends them pics of the kids, cards for their birthdays (from all of us obviously), pictures in the cards, etc.  So if I totally stop, nothing will get done.

But I guess that's ok?

I don't know... I'm probably going to get a card (or see if my husband wants to pick one at the store) and we'll send it for his dad's birthday with pictures of the kids in it.  

I still feel like us doing the right thing or kind thing, is right, no matter if it's appreciated, etc.

(But I'll heed my mentor's advice and stop with sending them pics in text messages... since they don't respond, it is basically inviting them to be rude/disrespectful to me, which I guess I don't need to do).

I totally stopped handling ANYTHING to do with his family. I don’t care about cards or birthdays or pictures or anything. If he does he does if he doesn’t he doesn’t. I don’t care . Callus? Maybe but so are they. 

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