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Should I Say Anything


EMWE

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My boyfriend and I have only been dating for a few months but have known each other for over 20 years. Everything has been fantastic until recently when he had a car wreck and had surgery and has become really down and aggravated. He was married to a woman for a little over a year and theyÂ’ve been divorced for about a year. He has been very upfront about her and made it very clear how much he dislikes her. They have no children together but he was a really close father figure to her youngest son. Therefore he does periodically stay in contact with her for the sons sake. Like I said he has always been very upfront with me about this and to my knowledge he has always told me when she called. IÂ’ve heard him on the phone with her and itÂ’s never a friendly conversation and often ends with him hanging up and her calling him right back repeatedly. So all of that being said here is my problem. I recently added him to my phone plan and tbh have never even thought about looking to see who he talked to or anything because I trust him completely. However after going to his house one day last week and overhearing a conversation he was having on the phone that sounded very flirty and friendly coupled with his distant behavior (which I chalked up to his aggravated mood due to the wreck) I became suspicious and instead of asking him about it I looked at the phone bill. I know this was a betrayal of his trust and I wish I could undo it but I canÂ’t. However what I discovered was that for four days straight his ex wife had called him every morning early and they had talked for extended periods of time. Sometimes it was several calls back to back. This Includes the call I overheard. I decided to ask him if he had spoken to her recently and he said no I havenÂ’t even heard from her boys. I then made the mistake of asking him if he was messing around and he said no and that I was acting crazy. He then told me I was acting like his ex and I knew how much he couldnÂ’t stand her. Now I am in a position where I know he is lying but in order to say something I must admit I looked at the bill which I said I would never do. I do think he was a little suspicious when I asked so idk if he denied it as a means to see if I would be honest or if he is hiding something. I can say that he never had called her nor text her the calls always come from her to him and they last for 15-40 minutes. They are always early in the morning between 5am and 10/11 am. She is in a relationship now and the last time he told me about talking to her she apparently told him she had moved on and that she didnÂ’t care about him anymore and that all the bad that had happened to him was due to his bad karma. I donÂ’t know what to think or what to do

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Sorry to hear this. They are not done with their relationship, unfortunately. Why is he on your phone plan? Take him off that. You need to end it with him. He's nasty to you and far from over his "ex".

He was married to a woman for a little over a year and theyÂ’ve been divorced for about a year.

 

IÂ’ve heard him on the phone with her and itÂ’s never a friendly conversation and often ends with him hanging up and her calling him right back repeatedly.

I recently added him to my phone plan. I looked at the phone bill.

 

He then told me I was acting like his ex and I knew how much he couldnÂ’t stand her.

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This bill is in your name, no?

 

As such, why can't you look at the bill? Show it to him and ask him if he'd like to amend his earlier assertion that he hadn't been in touch with her. You already know he's lying and he's got you feeling bad for it - what do you have to lose, exactly?

 

I am also curious why you've added him to your plan after just a few months of dating, and what you overheard him saying in this flirty conversation. It seems a few things are off about this fledgling relationship.

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Are you going to pretend you don't know and just hope it stops?

 

That's no way to live. And I can pretty much guarantee you will continue to look at the phone bill.

 

I suggest you bite the bullet and tell him what you know. No matter what, things are going to change, who knows what those changes will be. But at least you'll know by his reaction. Will he deflect and blame you? Focus on what you did rather than on what he did?

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He's already lied to you. That's enough to stop me in my tracks or come to a halt.

 

I would also consider it a red flag when someone dislikes someone else so much. Those are signs of unresolved feelings and not being able to put the past to rest in a peaceful or respectful way. Negative feelings, strong negative feelings or all that energy spent disliking or pushing someone away, any forms of ridicule, mockery or derogatory remarks are signals that a person is in a state of unrest and turmoil or going through their own personal pain. Whatever is going on with him, you do not need to be dragged down. Respectfully call it quits or be willing to communicate about the relationship honestly. Even though you are willing to be honest, remember that you may never receive the same honesty back in return.

 

This isn't a person who's ready to be in a relationship with someone new.

 

I agree with the others. This is far from over. His demeanour is throwing you off because you've likely not seen this in a partner before. I have. Tread carefully and trust your instincts.

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He is on my plan bc I had an extra line that was just sitting there not being used. He pays for it. Like I said we have been friends for many years. What I overheard him saying was inquiring about whether she was working that day and he said you wouldn’t lie to me like that would you?

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I was trying to figure out how to reply so this may post twice. But he’s on my plan bc I had an extra lime just going to waste and he does pay me for it. We’ve only dated a short time but have been friends for many years. What I heard him say was inquiring about whether she was working that day then at another point he said you wouldn’t lie to me like that would you? He never asked me not to look at the bill it was just something we had joked about when I first added him and I said I would never do that and he said “I have nothing to hide” he’s not ever given me a reason to not trust him until now.

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Sorry to say but phone or no phone, you are getting caught in their crossfire, which means he is too preoccupied with that to be there for you. This is not about how much they call, but how involved they still are (the child is an excuse). You are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

But he’s on my plan bc I had an extra lime just going to waste and he does pay me for it. We’ve only dated a short time but have been friends for many years.
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You are starting to see his true colors.

 

What stands out to me is that he is nasty to his ex wife on the phone. If he is like that with her, it's only a matter of time before he turns on you and acts the same. This is a red flag the size of China and reason alone to exit this relationship.

 

On top of that, now he is flirting and lying to your face.

 

No matter how you want to spin it - they are not done with each other and their relationship is an on/off toxic mess. The people they are involved with, you and the ex's bf, are effectively collateral damage to this mess.

 

I don't recommend that you confront him. It's pointless and liable to lead to a fit of rage and a lot blame shifting and attacking you for reading your own billing statements. You already seem very confused about what's right and wrong and what you can and cannot do. You have every right to read them, OP. Hope that clears it up. Anyway, this is the sort of situation where it would best for you to exit quietly. Don't argue with a pig, you'll both end up muddy, but the pig will enjoy it. Walk away, OP, just walk away.

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I think the more important issue is not so much of what their conversations consist of, but the fact that he's hiding it from you. Once the trust is broken there's no turning back, (imo).

 

Either way if you choose to stay, he'll more than likely find better ways to cover his tracks. Are you up for that?

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You've already got the proof, they are spending much more time together than he is willing to admit to. Asking him won't change that fact.

 

They are obviously still very much emotionally connected.

 

You need to be asking yourself what are you going to do about it? Stay and hope and pray it changes? Walk out, knowing he's not being loyal? Keep pretending it's not happening and telling yourself it might not be real?

 

He and she are close, they are spending time together when they think they won't be caught out. Your phone bill proves that. You're the one who needs to figure out if you're willing to take it, or not.

 

But rest assured, this man lies, he's already proven that to you. Asking him won't give you any honest answers.

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They definitely have unfinished business, and they are still into each other...I doubt she's really seeing someone, she's just using that to get him jealous to flush him out. After two months of this...deal breaker...boot him to the curb...he doesn't make a good BF.

 

He has been very upfront with you??? better rethink that quote.

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My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex, in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. You're learning WHY.

 

You have information you're afraid to use on a guy you don't trust. The reason you have the info is because you already suspected that he was untrust-worthy.

 

So now you have your proof. What does it tell you?

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I appreciate all the very insightful things that you have all shared. I do want to say that I honestly do not have a problem with the fact that he talked to her my problem is with the lie. Even though they don’t share a child he did become a very integral part of her sons life. He was upfront with me in the beginning about this and I respect that. But my issue is that he denied speaking to her recently. I do feel like I need to back off and move on. The trust has been broken and I don’t think it’s mendable.

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Pfftt.. cant stand her? Yet they flirt? They are playing mind games.

 

Since YOU pay his phone bill- which I dont know why you are doing so- since you have only been involved a short while, i would probably look too.

Proves he's lying.. dont ya think?

 

He speaks with this woman- who is overbearing way too often. Only thing between them should be re: the kids.

 

If you cant trust him, i feel you should just move on.. dont get in the middle of their squabbles & crap.

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Healthy relationships need to be grounded in honesty. He lied about talking to her. You are not being fully honest about looking at the phone bill. You need to work things out and talk about it. Otherwise, you won't be able to trust each other. It's already bothering you, so if you don't say anything it will continue to eat at you and poison the relationship. You won't believe him when he talks about his ex. And you'll be tempted to keep "spying" on him. The only way to help things is to have it out and let your feelings be known.

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You're right. The problem isn't his ex, it's him. He lies, he says nasty things about "you are just like my ex", etc

 

It's time to consider that you really don't know who he is today. It's not about "respecting this" or "understanding that", you're not a social worker.

 

It's about not dating men who lie and get verbally abusive at the drop of a hat. Take care of yourself. Get him off your phone plan. Send him back to his ex.

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He has emotionally cheated and lied to you. He is also gaslighting and unpleasant with you. I can’t believe you are using the accident as an excuse.

 

The phone calls that you heard should have been a strong indicator that they had an emotional connection. The bill simply sealed the deal. Girl, you need to wake up!

 

I can’t fathom why you would add someone to your plan that you had been dating a few months?!

 

Do you usually date guys like this? You need to set higher standards .

 

Dump him!

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I appreciate all the very insightful things that you have all shared. I do want to say that I honestly do not have a problem with the fact that he talked to her my problem is with the lie. Even though they don’t share a child he did become a very integral part of her sons life. He was upfront with me in the beginning about this and I respect that. But my issue is that he denied speaking to her recently. I do feel like I need to back off and move on. The trust has been broken and I don’t think it’s mendable.

 

He has no reason to speak with her If he has a connection to the kid.

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Healthy relationships need to be grounded in honesty. He lied about talking to her. You are not being fully honest about looking at the phone bill. You need to work things out and talk about it. Otherwise, you won't be able to trust each other. It's already bothering you, so if you don't say anything it will continue to eat at you and poison the relationship. You won't believe him when he talks about his ex. And you'll be tempted to keep "spying" on him. The only way to help things is to have it out and let your feelings be known.

 

Don’t agree with this at all. He has already proven that he can’t be trusted. Should she Have to tell him that he shouldn’t lie, have secret calls, and flirt with his ex?

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Don’t agree with this at all. He has already proven that he can’t be trusted. Should she Have to tell him that he shouldn’t lie, have secret calls, and flirt with his ex?

 

Should she have to deal with this at all? No. But she's already in the middle of it. Getting it all out there is the healthy response for a person. If you bottle it up or walk away without your feelings being known, it doesn't give you the chance to clear your emotions. It's not as much about him as it is about you. You're not expecting the other person to change or admit there mistake. Instead, you are releasing the hurt and anger you have. I'm a believer that the way you deal with an issue is to confront it head on. To not say anything means the other person can get away with never being confronted with their lies, actions, betrayals, etc. They don't have to deal with the consequences of their actions or see their errors. And you never get that extra peace of mind that can come from giving them a piece of your mind.

 

What happens next is their choice. Maybe he can change. Maybe he can't. Maybe she is willing to work on things. Maybe she doesn't believe it and leaves. But if you don't at least try and openly say it, then nothing ever changes. Just because a person has lied or done something wrong, doesn't mean they will always be that way. I'd rather give someone a chance to correct their mistake before I step away. I know I've made mistakes and I'm glad people didn't give up on me without at least giving me a chance to fix them.

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There’s a lot more to the story than the phone addition. He pays for it and I did it more so to help me get rid of the line than anything. And honestly no I don’t typically date guys like this and he wasn’t like this until about two weeks ago. Until then there were really no issues. This is where I become so confused. But after reading all the answers here I think I have a good idea of what I need to do.

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