AnneMarie9 Posted October 13, 2020 Author Share Posted October 13, 2020 The problem with that notion is that it's never been innocent and pure. You just didn't know that until very recently. He's been harbouring these feelings for a long time, including when he began dating you. You might have thought it was innocent and pure, but that was really only because you didn't know what was really going on in his mind with this other woman. As such, it wouldn't make sense to keep this going or just give him space. You two don't have the foundation to build on because his heart and mind have never been totally with you. He's holding out for her. This is a dead-end, AnneMarie. Thanks, MissCanuck! You're spot on about it! He had preemptively warned me about her right from the start, but rather painting a picture of them having ceased all communication, and not particularly eager to reconnect, at least not any time soon. And advertising himself as ready and emotionally available to start anew. Only to change that version to them being in contact monthly, then weekly, and now daily... Link to comment
AnneMarie9 Posted October 13, 2020 Author Share Posted October 13, 2020 Sherry's right. this is the way he is messing up his own life . And he may come back into your life expressing regret about it later on (years down the line). But moving on and finding someone who loves you and only you now is the best thing. Men like this are super annoying to me because there's the danger he really may try to come back into your life years later (expressing the regret about his stupidity now) and even him contacting you then, while you're possibly married or in a serious relationship, will slightly threaten and endanger that relationship. Ick! Be ready though if that happens and best thing is to not reply. Funny you mentioned that! That's pretty much how it went with this woman when they were together. He was seeing her and another girl simultaneously at the time, and decided to drop her all of a sudden, only to regret it years down the line and convincing her to give it another go. Perhaps there's a pattern there... Link to comment
SherrySher Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 Perhaps there's a pattern there... Definitely a pattern. He has turned his feelings for her, into a somewhat obsession and he's destroying potentially great relationships over her. He won't ever stop, which is why he's being so adamant with you. He doesn't want to stop. All you can do is walk away from this mess. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 Yes, that of a player. Perhaps there's a pattern there... Link to comment
AnneMarie9 Posted October 13, 2020 Author Share Posted October 13, 2020 Definitely a pattern. He has turned his feelings for her, into a somewhat obsession and he's destroying potentially great relationships over her. He won't ever stop, which is why he's being so adamant with you. He doesn't want to stop. All you can do is walk away from this mess. The funny thing is he still claims to want a long-term committed relationship. While blatantly not emotionally available to sustain one. I guess that's either wishful thinking or just an elaborate, sophisticated way of attracting and keeping the little distraction he needs along the way. But I'm digressing... Overanalyzing his reasons won't help me much now. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 I guess that's either wishful thinking or just an elaborate, sophisticated way of attracting and keeping the little distraction he needs along the way. But I'm digressing... Overanalyzing his reasons won't help me much now. It's not even elaborate or sophisticated. It's typical of people who want to have their cake and eat it, too. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 That’d be the healthiest thing to do, I wholeheartedly admit it, Sherry. But for some reason, I can’t help thinking that whatever he’s feeling for her is just an outworn and outdated fantasy he’d indulged in throughout the years to keep him going while things weren’t looking great for him and he was missing the companionship and the benefits of being in a stable relationship. But perhaps I’m wrong.But you are comparing it to your previous experience. It's not the same. I'll bet you did not tell your guy the same thing to his face. Your guy went in without the threat over his head. I think we've all held a torch for someone and with time managed to work through it. Even with that we sometimes enter new relationships for the right reasons and the intention to move on. This has the added sick twist of him telling you you very well might not stand a chance. How do compartmentalize that information, enjoy your time with him and be fully open? It says a lot about him and it's not pretty. It also appears his request to be exclusive with you benefits him, not you. He has has an out clause in his agreement. Meanwhile he's secured you. When all is said and done he'll likely lose respect for you because by agreeing to these terms tells him you don't believe you deserve a guy who's fully committed and treats you like his priority. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 Run! He is emotionally invested in her! She is the priority. OP, I am surprised you have to ask. Link to comment
smackie9 Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 You are obsessing over this guy....cut it out! Lose his number and go NC. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 You are obsessing over this guy....cut it out! Lose his number and go NC. And, it has only been three months. OP, he is in daily contact with her. He has shown you through action and word that he does not see a future with you. You are a placeholder. How are you going to feel a year down the road, when he decides he wants to pursue something with her. You think it is tough now. Link to comment
AnneMarie9 Posted October 13, 2020 Author Share Posted October 13, 2020 But you are comparing it to your previous experience. It's not the same. I'll bet you did not tell your guy the same thing to his face. Your guy went in without the threat over his head. I think we've all held a torch for someone and with time managed to work through it. Even with that we sometimes enter new relationships for the right reasons and the intention to move on. This has the added sick twist of him telling you you very well might not stand a chance. How do compartmentalize that information, enjoy your time with him and be fully open? It says a lot about him and it's not pretty. It also appears his request to be exclusive with you benefits him, not you. He has has an out clause in his agreement. Meanwhile he's secured you. When all is said and done he'll likely lose respect for you because by agreeing to these terms tells him you don't believe you deserve a guy who's fully committed and treats you like his priority. That's a very good point you're making actually. When we started dating, I must've come across as rather casual and taking things lightly, which probably made me innocuous enough and a candidate for his "temporary" agenda. And as soon as it became more serious, his interest started dwindling and his attention shifted back to her. But yes, all in all, he'll treat me exactly the way I allow him to. And if I accept playing second fiddle, he'll most likely be happy to keep me around until he has no use for me anymore. Not really a good place to be in... Link to comment
AnneMarie9 Posted October 13, 2020 Author Share Posted October 13, 2020 And, it has only been three months. OP, he is in daily contact with her. He has shown you through action and word that he does not see a future with you. You are a placeholder. How are you going to feel a year down the road, when he decides he wants to pursue something with her. You think it is tough now. Strangely enough, that's exactly what he told me yesterday. A belated heads-up, especially after agreeing to go steady with me, but surely something to pay attention to. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 Do you want an open, nonexclusive fwb style relationship? That's all he's offering, so if that's not for you, drop him and start talking to and meeting men who want what you want. Link to comment
AnneMarie9 Posted October 13, 2020 Author Share Posted October 13, 2020 You are obsessing over this guy....cut it out! Lose his number and go NC. Yes, I agree. Best option in this case. Link to comment
AnneMarie9 Posted October 13, 2020 Author Share Posted October 13, 2020 Do you want an open, nonexclusive fwb style relationship? That's all he's offering, so if that's not for you, drop him and start talking to and meeting men who want what you want. Pretty manipulative of him to disguise it as a committed relationship even now, but you're right, that's what it actually is. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 Strangely enough, that's exactly what he told me yesterday. A belated heads-up, especially after agreeing to go steady with me, but surely something to pay attention to. No doubt he wants you around and says just enough to secure it. But he's being selfserving. This doesn't honor you and what you want. Besides it's your responsibility to honor yourself first and make sure that a man is deserving of that. Don't get hung up on the fact that he said the right words. It's the intention that matters here. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 Are you cool with always being "good enough for now" girl? RUNNNNNNNNN AWAYYYYYYY from this GIANT L0SER. Come on. It different work before. It's not going to work now. But there is no way in hell you should even waste one second of your life with a guy who says, "I need to stick it in first to make sure." So if you had a daughter, who said to you, "hey mom, I'm seeing this guy who is texting another girl each day, and when they meet up, and the spark is there, he will drop me like a box of rocks. Do you want to meet him?" And hopefully, you as mom, will go, "don't be a doormat." This guy su*ks. Please don't him like a box of rocks. Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 It's never too late to cut your losses. He was manipulative in the way he started dating you. What you do with the information going forwards and what you know now is what matters. If we all stayed hung up about the wrongs of the past or how delusional and untimely and inconsiderate others were, we'd hardly ever get a move on anything in life and we'd continue to stay stuck in the same rut. Stay flexible - bend but do not break. This person tested your limits and it's now time to set your boundaries. It's not in your best interests to keep dating him if you have stronger feelings for him than he does for you. You'll just get run over and mowed down or hurt. If there is some chance you're able to see him as he is (in his limited capacity) and are not interested in a serious relationship, I don't think anyone would think ill of you for dating him for the time being. It would have to be a mutually agreeable situation. It doesn't sound like this is the case. Know yourself and what your boundaries are. You'll be just fine. Link to comment
AnneMarie9 Posted October 13, 2020 Author Share Posted October 13, 2020 Thank you guys for your input, it was very valuable and it helped me zoom out a bit and put things into perspective! @Rose Mosse: I accused him too of being manipulative considering how everything started between us, and how he still insists he wants a committed relationship with me (while entertaining thoughts of rekindling his romance with her). Sure, I could keep seeing him and taking it lightly, but at this point I already have expectations of where I would like things to go, so from now on, I'd only set myself up for disappointment and resentment... Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 That's very good of you to know that about yourself. There will be plenty of new opportunities if you give yourself the chance. When I was dating I used to give myself breaks and breathing room whenever it felt like I needed one. You get to make the rules. Onwards and forwards. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 he still insists he wants a committed relationship with me (while entertaining thoughts of rekindling his romance with her). Sure, I could keep seeing him and taking it lightly, but at this point I already have expectations of where I would like things to go, so from now on, I'd only set myself up for disappointment and resentment... His idea of "commitment" is totally different from yours. Leave this guy in your rearview mirror. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 Thank you guys for your input, it was very valuable and it helped me zoom out a bit and put things into perspective! @Rose Mosse: I accused him too of being manipulative . . . . .Sure, I could keep seeing him and taking it lightly, but at this point I already have expectations of where I would like things to go, so from now on, I'd only set myself up for disappointment and resentment... You've got this figured out. Acting on it is what builds self esteem Next time you won't have to ask or 2nd guess yourself. You would have cut it off at the pass and held out for someone more deserving. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 Funny you mentioned that! That's pretty much how it went with this woman when they were together. He was seeing her and another girl simultaneously at the time, and decided to drop her all of a sudden, only to regret it years down the line and convincing her to give it another go. Perhaps there's a pattern there... That's called cheating, OP. Please never ever waste your time on losers like this. These types of people do not get better, do not wake up one day and have a personality transplant. There is no happily ever after here with him - not for you, not for any woman at all. He is toxic. This guy lied to you when you met about his intentions and he's been at least emotionally cheating on you by carrying on with his on/off ex behind your back until you caught him out. Even his admission......what you don't understand about these types is that he is inviting you into a soul crushing dance of "pick me". Basically, if you have an ounce of self respect, you'll drop him cold and walk away in disgust. However, if you don't, and he thinks that you don't, you'll try really hard to make him choose you over her, force him to love you by bending over backwards to be the better gf. This is about as toxic as it gets and he is already fanning those flames by "future talking" and hinting at wanting a relationship, aka telling you what you want to hear in some vague yet promising terms. No doubt he is also super fun and charismatic, a good talker and why you are so smitten and having a hard time seeing his clay feet and what a toxic manipulative creep he really is. Step far away from him. Truly a case where you not only delete him from your life, but block and ensure that he never has contact with you again. Exit with extreme prejudice. Link to comment
ShySoul Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 AnneMarie, you have a pretty good grasp on who he is and what he is doing. He is the one with issues and hangups that probably should be posting here, not you. So don't let yourself get drawn any further into his game. You are better off without it and can leave him to sort out his own feelings. If I was in your place, I'd actually call out the other person for exactly what they are doing and how hurtful it is. I'd make clear how wrong it is to get someone's hopes up only to tell them they'll always be second to the fantasy he's been pursing for years. I'd say that they will never be happy themselves until they deal with their feelings for the other person and either make it work or move on. But make clear you won't wait around for that happen. I did something similar once, and felt worlds better. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 13, 2020 Share Posted October 13, 2020 Only barely three months in and he's shown you, very clearly and upfront what his true character is (player/loser/jerk) .... and you still entertain the idea of staying with him in the hope that he changes his mind. Are you really okay with always being second best? A side dish? Is your self-esteem really that low? You're in for a LOT of heartache and hurt with this ....person. Show him you have enough self-respect and dump him. Link to comment
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