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Ladies please help - I can't figure out what this girl wants from me


jackjohnson4

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Hi guys

 

A girl I use to date and have some history with over 6 years ago was recently single at the start of the year. She messaged me and we hung out a few times, nothing serious just catching up as we are still on good terms.

 

I've had feelings for her in the past but she shut them down when I told her, basically a friendzone type set up. That was 4 years ago.

 

Anyway we have been chatting on and off and hanging out for the past few months and it has been getting flirtier and flirtier, especially from her, I know she's been sleeping with other guys during which I don't care about as I don't have feelings for her anymore. She is now dating one of those guys and has been for a month or so. Out of respect I've basically cut off all communication because I don't wanna be the guy messaging someones girlfriend.

 

She is still trying to message me despite having a boyfriend who she knows I am kinda friends with. Yesterday she messaged me and I didn't reply, then messaged me again asking why I didn't reply and getting upset because I'm not talking to her. She even messages me when she's with her boyfriend?!

 

What does she want? I'm so confused. Ladies please explain

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It sounds like you are still in the friendzone and she is upset that her friend stopped talking to her. Some people flirt without meaning to take it further. However, if she is still doing it now that she has a boyfriend, she is indeed being inappropriate and it would be best to distance yourself.

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The key information is that she's been sleeping with other guys while flirting with you and she is now dating one of those guys. It sounds like she has been using you for emotional support and for an ego boost. Chances are that she has been flirting with multiple people all this time. She sounds like a flirt and she sees no harm in flirting with you despite your history. I don't think there is much of substance in her behaviour. She was/is playing the field. Why now? Because she feels like playing the field at this point in her life. It's that simple. Had she wanted anything serious with you, she wouldn't be dating another guy. Imo, you should distance yourself because it sounds like the situation is messing with your mind and based on what you wrote, she is definitely not worth spending any more emotional energy on her.

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I think it's more about her ego. She doesn't want you, but she likes to know that she can still reel you back in whenever she pleases.

 

She's played head games with you on and off for many years, and because neither of you have feelings between anymore, honestly, what's the point in bothering in spending anytime with this person?

 

The way you describe it, you're not actually friends, you are two people who knew one another in the past and it's fizzled out, even the friendship part.

 

You're definitely right, she has a boyfriend and he wouldn't be cool with his girlfriend chatting up an ex. It says a lot about her too that she's doing that behind his back.

 

But the bottom line is, she wants to see if she can still message and you'll come running, despite neither of you wanting to actually date.

 

I would just leave it, it sounds pretty pointless. I also sincerely question this girls morals, the way she behaves.

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Sorry to hear that. She just got dumped and wanted attention. Now she still wants that attention despite dating someone new.

 

You're doing the right thing shutting it down . Send one last text that you don't want to chitchat and flirt with someone who has a BF.

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Over the years, neither being friends with her nor being romantic partners has worked. You're either one or the other, or nothing. It really doesn't matter what her needs are why she does what she does. You're in the driver's seat of your life. If you keep her within your orbit, it'll be nothing but disadvantageous to you. Any new woman you decide to date will probably make her exit when she finds out you regularly communicate with someone you once were romantic with.

 

I'd send her a final text saying something like: I've decided that continuing a friendship with you isn't the best thing for me anymore. I'll cherish the good memories we had, and wish you all the best.

 

And then you should block, because she likely will try to argue that point since she's already been pushy.

 

Good luck.

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I thing other people would suggest that you message back or explain but I dont think that is necessary. You've set boundaries already, youve decided that it makes you uncomfortable to talk to someone elses girlfriend, especially someone you're friends with. That is a boundary you made for your comfort, you can respect that if you want to because it is YOUR boundary. It is your barrier to protect your feelings and your friends feelings by talking to his girlfriend in the way she wants.

 

Don't let people complicate your life, especially when you have a concious choice/voice that suggests resolutions to make yourself comfortable. That is important. We'd save ourselves a lot of grief if we paid attention to our instinctual boundaries

 

Imagine if she had no self control and she brought your feelings into it while hurting her boyfriends feelings? And you predicted this might happen in the beginning but didnt listen to your instincts?

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I guess it is fine to act 'as friends', but no flirty acts - out of respect, as SHE should also be doing.

 

sounds like that affected you, to learn she is now involved again?

 

Your choice if you choose to continue a friendship- but if you cant handle it, i suggest you just let her be.. since you may have been wanting to seek her out for 'more' than a friend? .. But she has gone another way.

 

If it's a bother to you, then yes, distance yourself now.

 

Sad though, if a friendship is messed because of things going beyond- to which can make things too awkward, :/

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So, she was sleeping with other guys but actually picked one to be a boyfriend. Has she slept with any guys since she got with the boyfriend? Think people are assuming she is sleeping around which I'm not sure is the case.

 

Since she started seeing her boyfriend, what kind of flirting is it? Is it playful banter between friends? Or is it verging on hinting that she wants to get you in bed? If it's the first, then it's entirely possible that she has a flirty personality and as an old friend she is comfortable being more carefree around you. From her perspective a person she thought was a friend decided to drop all communication with her. She just may be confused and want to know what is going on with you. On the other hand, if the flirting is indeed overt and intimate in nature, then you'd be best to stay away. Don't let yourself get involved in another person's relationship.

 

Talk to her. Maybe you're misreading the situation and she really doesn't want anything more then your friendship. Maybe she isn't even aware of the signals she's sending off. Or maybe she is, in which case someone should point out that it's only going to come back to bite her and that her boyfriend doesn't deserve that treatment. Regardless, you'll never know unless you ask her directly. The rest of us can speculate, but only she knows her intentions.

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All good points, she is a bit of a flirt in person and does a history of cheating on multiple guys including her last boyfriend that was less than a year ago. This makes me even more confused as to why she continually has to have all this attention when with someone. Someone mentioned she may have poor morals and I agree as you must have to continually cheat and I am certainly not going to fall into anything serious with her, but it's hard to reject someone you have so much history with

 

Think cutting it off is the best way to go, I don't want to communicate and bring up feelings that may or may not be there with her. I'm sure she'll figure it out one day

 

thank you everyone!

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It truly is a waste of time, Jack. For every flirt she gives you, she's doing the same with many other men.

 

Why are some people like this? There are so many possible reasons, it's difficult to say without knowing her personally.

 

It might be an ego boost, perhaps she has poor self esteem and she's getting some kind of validation from many men giving her attention. it could be that it's on the other end of the scale where she thinks too much of herself and feels she's some kind of god gifts to men and doesn't care about who gets hurt as long as she's center stage. It could be that one of her parents behaved this way and she sees it as some kind of normal.

 

Maybe she's just the type of girl who can't see that how she is behaving with all these men, that there's anything wrong with it. Maybe she finds it funny and likes to play around with men despite having a partner.

There's just a lot of possibilities.

 

The bottom line is, she is behaving badly and it's not cute, nor is it mature. She has no sense of loyalty or boundaries. She's not faithful and whatever her reason is for being like this with men, it's toxic. Someone in the mix is going to get hurt and it won't be her. I don't think she honestly has a conscience over it..which is another reason to steer clear of her.

 

It's mindless games of a little girl who's not grown up yet.

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All good points, she is a bit of a flirt in person and does a history of cheating on multiple guys including her last boyfriend that was less than a year ago. This makes me even more confused as to why she continually has to have all this attention when with someone. Someone mentioned she may have poor morals and I agree as you must have to continually cheat and I am certainly not going to fall into anything serious with her, but it's hard to reject someone you have so much history with

 

Think cutting it off is the best way to go, I don't want to communicate and bring up feelings that may or may not be there with her. I'm sure she'll figure it out one day

 

thank you everyone!

 

History doesn't mean its good history.

I would decide if you can be friends without feelings.

honestly, the best way to do this without talking about toying with your feelings, is to say "I know we are just friends only, but since you have a boyfriend, I don't think he would appreciate you flirting with other men or confiding in them, even if you are just a friend. So, go talk to your boyfriend. I am going to not be a part of this."

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Trying to figure out why people behave that way can be an exercise in driving yourself mad. Only she can honestly answer that, and it has to be something she addresses on her own. The important thing for you is to figure out what you are comfortable with. If you don't want to deal with it, think the possible drama isn't worth it, then stay away. If you feel the need to confront her, put it exactly as abitbroken said. Maybe she acts this way because she can and it's never come back to bite her yet. But bottom line is you need to look out for your heart and not put yourself in a position that's likely to hurt you.

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