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Guys I need your expertise with the following


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I've been together with this guy for a few months now. It has been really nice, he is always there to help me. We cuddle a lot, spend a lot of time together. We have sex quite often, sometimes twice a day. There is only one thing that threw me off quite a bit. I noticed that he wasn't fully enjoying having sex with me. he lost his boner a few times when we were having sex, and he didn't really seem into it except when he drank. He actually said it to me one time. He wasn't able to drink enough that day otherwise we would have had amazing sex. I've talked about it with him and he only said the following: it was like a motorcycle, with some you can just hop on and drive away, with me he first had to start the engine but when eventually we were having sex he was enjoying it. My question is, what does he mean by this. I have tried to ask it again if he could explain it in more detail. Ever since he said it I've been feeling really self-conscious. The answer that he gave me made me really upset. We could talk about it forever, I'll never get it anyway. so there is no point. And nothing I could willingly do about it. He compared it with someone born without sight that is asking you to explain colors. I wouldn't understand because I am a woman besides other things.

 

I hope you guys can help me understand him.

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I don’t know but that doesn’t sound complimentary. I would ditch this loser. If you’re feeling bad about yourself it’s not worth it. Your partner needs to lift you up. Also you need a guy who thinks the world of you and can’t keep his hands off of you.

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How long have you been dating? Read up on the association between alcohol and ED . ED means the occasional or frequent inability to get or maintain an erection.

 

His ED is likely due to alcohol (or other issues, depending on age, health, drug use, nerves, excess masturbation, etc.) not you or enjoying sex. His answer sounds like severe denial and nonsense, so he can continue to drink, and blame the ED on whoever he is with.

 

Rather than continuing to talk at him or feel bad, reconsider the relationship. If the sex is bad this early on and he's indirectly blaming it on you, it will only get worse and so will his drinking. It's better to cut your losses after just a couple of months.

he lost his boner a few times when we were having sex, and he didn't really seem into it except when he drank.

 

I've talked about it with him and he only said the following: it was like a motorcycle, with some you can just hop on and drive away, with me he first had to start the engine but when eventually we were having sex he was enjoying it.

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mostly yes routine. He doesn't drink alcohol that often once every 2/3 weeks. Also he has been under a lot of stress for the whole year already. we've been together for like 3 months, but we have known each other since last year December. For me the sex is good. I've had 3 bed partners up till now. He has done it with a ton of girls. I really like him and I want him to enjoy it as well, first I thought it was my lack of experience, but I am not sure about that. I've been trying to become better, learning more about it. Up till now he only has been really positive when I blow him. It has gotten to the point that when i give him a blowjob and i want to switch to sex I am afraid to ask it.

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Hopefully this isn't it... but sometimes if a man was molested in childhood, they can show signs he's showing in regard to their sex life.

 

-He can only really get into it if he's slightly buzzed or drunk (that's a sign)

-He can't maintain an erection (also a sign of potential past trauma sexually bothering him)

-He may only like oral sex because he can mentally block out things that way?

 

OR it could just be the stress and work-load... those can make men lose their libido also. That would make sense with oral being easier because he doesn't have to do anything and his body can relax.

 

Really it would just take time in getting to know him more, to see if when he works less, does the problem go away, or is he 100% of the time always like this.

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Stop doing this. He's getting lazy. Stop feeling sorry for him. Sex should be mutually satisfying and respectful. You need to learn about sex and relationships a bit more. Stop trying to fix him. This is not about stress, or trauma or abuse or any such nonsense.

 

He's just lazy and selfishly only cares about his own satisfaction. It sounds like he is manipulating you.

Up till now he only has been really positive when I blow him. It has gotten to the point that when i give him a blowjob and i want to switch to sex I am afraid to ask it.
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You shouldn't be afraid to ask for, or at the very least, discuss anything in a relationship. The moment there's fear or intimidation the dynamics have shifted and the balance is unhealthy. It means one person is too overbearing. He may be manipulative or emotionally abusive or you may be more easy-going or naive when it comes to relationships but the dynamics are very imbalanced.

 

Those extra worries and thoughts? Process but don't dwell. Don't let it damage your self-esteem. If you feel you're not being heard in the relationship (in or out of the bedroom), communicate better with him. If he criticizes you or puts the blame on you for all the problems in the relationship, this person isn't ready to date or share equal responsibility for the relationship. The way he describes the both of you sexually isn't appealing and quite derogatory and depressing.

 

You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with in future. Take things in stride. Switch things up a lot more to break the routine. Do you trust him? Or are you afraid he'll turn to other women or dump you if you don't act a certain way or agree with what he wants? A person who is ready to or behaves like he's on the brink of dumping you or letting you go because you try to have a say in something is not someone you want in your life.

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he didn't really seem into it except when he drank. He actually said it to me one time. He wasn't able to drink enough that day otherwise we would have had amazing sex.

Ohh wow :/.

Is he an alcy? Havin troubles getting there? :/

 

I suggest you either leave this one behind- cause i feel he is an oddball.. OR tone down the sex a bit.. like a few days a week.. not a day. Maybe the guy is just worn out

Either way, I would not be involved with someone just for sex- and either would I with an Alcy!

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Does he watch porn? I'm only asing because porn can raise the bar in a way and make it harder for guys (and I supposed wimen too in certain situations) to stay aroused/get off during sex.

 

Also, sex is something that drives us, so when it's easy to get, some people stop wanting it as much.

 

His motorcycle comment was pretty insensative... I don't know him so this is just a stab at it. But he could have meant he actually cares about you more than ust some hookup and he wants to treat you with respect. I really have no idea, that's just one possible way it could be interpreted.

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If he is under a lot of stress, that can easily kill a person's drive. You're tired, you're distracted. You can't just lose yourself in the moment and enjoy. If that's the issue, create a more relaxed setting. Don't force it. Maybe you don't need sex as much, that you can save it for when you both are fully into it.

 

I don't think you are the issue. His comments were insensitive. I get he was saying that sometimes you need to warm-up first and aren't in the mood. But personally, I wouldn't be comparing a girl to a motorcycle. I also wouldn't be saying that as a girl, you couldn't understand. If I'm serious about the relationship, I want to be able to talk about everything. That's what makes the relationship healthy, being able to be open and honest, talking about anything. You should be able to enjoy the experience as well, and if you are scared to stop a blowjob for sex, that's going to make it less enjoyable for you. You shouldn't have to worry about his reactions. You should both be able to lose yourself in each other. And while he may only drink once and awhile, it's troubling that he would say he didn't drink enough to get into it. I would hope that if I was having sex with someone I cared about, I wouldn't need alcohol to enjoy it.

 

Is everything else alright in the relationship? I would advise to let him know how uncomfortable you are with this. If he is worth the time, he will take it seriously and work with you to figure out what is going on. So far he seems almost dismissive of it.

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I don't like how he explained things and didn't seem too concerned that this could hurt your feelings. Like its you or your fault. Its not.

 

I'd dump this guy. Its too much to risk your self esteem over his lack of abilities to perform and to be a caring and supportive partner. Get out now.

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I want to believe that our relationship is pretty ok. He cares for me a lot, we enjoy spending time together. I really believe that he likes me. However I feel like the issues and the stress he has are so prominent that he can’t fully give himself to me or make me a priority. We have had some arguments before, where he actually confirmed this. He didn’t have the time and energy to keep convincing me that he didn’t want to hurt me and if I couldn’t take it I should just leave him. It is clear that his priorities are somewhere else. For me this is really hard. I can’t just let him go because I really love him. I know we have something special between us but his issues are breaking us apart like this. Some part of me wants to give him some more space and believe that our issue with sex is because of this as well. I am not like a hooker with who he can have sex, with no consequences and without thinking.

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I want to believe that our relationship is pretty ok. He cares for me a lot, we enjoy spending time together. I really believe that he likes me. However I feel like the issues and the stress he has are so prominent that he can’t fully give himself to me or make me a priority. We have had some arguments before, where he actually confirmed this. He didn’t have the time and energy to keep convincing me that he didn’t want to hurt me and if I couldn’t take it I should just leave him. It is clear that his priorities are somewhere else. For me this is really hard. I can’t just let him go because I really love him. I know we have something special between us but his issues are breaking us apart like this. Some part of me wants to give him some more space and believe that our issue with sex is because of this as well. I am not like a hooker with who he can have sex, with no consequences and without thinking.

 

Yes that's right, you are not a hooker and you deserve an actual relationship where issues can be openly talked about. That means sexual issues as well. When I first read your post I felt like your boyfriend has bad communication and it sounded like he kinda got defensive and nearly blamed you. Like saying "you wouldn't understand because you're a woman". What does that comment mean? Is it a sexist comment or does he just mean you wouldn't understand because you don't have a penis?

 

Why does he need to get drunk to have sex with you? Is it due to anxiety or is he implying he's not attracted to you? My guess is he's embarrassed about his erectile dysfunction and that's why he just closes up and doesn't want to discuss it. But that actually just makes things worse.

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There's frequent arguing. He doesn't have time for you. You're not a priority. He only wants to satisfy himself sexually. He treats you like a hooker. He compares you to a motorcycle to hop on and ride.

 

Listen to yourself. Forget his "stress". You need to run from this selfish disrespectful clown. Get your self esteem in order. This is not a good situation

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He actually said it to me one time. He wasn't able to drink enough that day otherwise we would have had amazing sex.

 

I've talked about it with him and he only said the following: it was like a motorcycle, with some you can just hop on and drive away, with me he first had to start the engine but when eventually we were having sex he was enjoying it.

 

The answer that he gave me made me really upset. We could talk about it forever, I'll never get it anyway. so there is no point. And nothing I could willingly do about it.

 

He compared it with someone born without sight that is asking you to explain colors. I wouldn't understand because I am a woman besides other things.

 

It sounds like he doesn't respect you.

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It's early days....he's not that great of a BF...you are just pushing him to be one out of desperation because you want a relationship so bad....it's like trying to turn a turd into gold with gold spray paint. It may look shiny on the outside but it's still $%^& on the inside.

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It may be special to you, but it doesn't seem special to him. He has dismissed your concerns multiple times. He has put you down saying you wouldn't understand. This is about more then sex, this is about communication and respect. He is refusing to admit there is a problem and won't communicate with you to work things out. He's not respecting you or trying to understand your feelings. No relationship can survive like that. Healthy relationships involve a couple who disagree or have fights, but who can come together to talk about it. They show compassion for the each other and want to help each other through things. They regret when they have hurt the other. He isn't doing that. He might be a great person deep down and have great qualities, but at this point something is going on where he can't give you the love and respect you deserve. He doesn't seem ready to admit things or change. So don't stand there and take it. If he wants to tell you to leave, you should leave. But he will be the one losing out and you will be leaving for your own well being. It may hurt, but you'll be better off in the long run.

 

Stay strong. You'll find better days.

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