HELP NEEDED! My mother abused me out of jealousy?

[rchubn]

My grandmother did drugs when she was raising my mother, specifically in high school. Because of that my mother had a horrible childhood.

 

However...my grandmother got clean towards the last 20 years of her life. She was able to be a great grandmother to me. She took on the role of the second parent and partially raised me: picked me up from school, was there when I got home, was excited to ask me about my day. I feel that me being born gave my grandmother and grandfather a chance to be viewed in a new light without a past and they were grateful for that treated me like a princess.

 

However, my relationship with my mother suffered and I never understood why.

 

Now that I'm older I'm thinking that my mother was not mentally mature enough to watch her parents love on me and because of that I became a target, like a competitive sister. Which disturbs me because I dont understand how a child is supposed comprehend that and reject that attention or understand the meaning behind it.

 

HERE'S WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING... I'm an adult now and I recently cut my mother off but before that my grandparents died. My mother was loving towards me after they died (a year) but she eventually started asking me if I had dreams about them, I told them I did and that they visit me and she told me she hadn't had any dreams. A few months goes by, she mentions the idea that maybe they're angry at her and thats why shes not being visited and she's mistreating me again.

 

(Keep in mind that dreams are scientifically proven to be Subconscious and something that happens in response to brain activity and nothing to do with any spiritual connection from the dead)

[rchubn]

I've posted about this before...in similar threads. Some may know me or my situation already.

 

I'm out of the house and I'm cutting my mother off, but I'm now unpacking some of the mess and it's making me even more confused and hurt than I already am.

 

I am realizing that mother had unhealthy thoughts about me from the beginning and that there was nothing I couldve done about it to stop it because I was a child and that these unhealthy thoughts were being projected onto a infant/child and if she wanted to solve it she couldve gotten help and didnt have to choose to think this way about her child but instead chose to project everything onto me.

 

It's making me feel like this relationship is a lost cause. There's so much toxic stuff to unpack that stem from this

[Seraphim]

Your mother abused you because she was abused herself. I am sorry that happened. I know you want definitive answers but those of us who were abused by parents typically never get them. Try not to let your mother take rental space in your head. Go onto build your life and get help for yourself. She is her own problem who she doesn’t want to deal with.

[melancholy123]

I agree, your mother was abused as a young person so her thinking processes were probably not the best. I had to remove my mother from my life for the way she treated me. I tell you a big weight is lifted from our shoulders when we make the decision to remove toxic people from our lives. Dont give her space in your head, actively work on not thinking about her when she pops into your head. Think about other, more pleasant, things. In time you can feel better but you have to work on changing how you think.

[maritalbliss86]

rchubn I replied to your other thread, but it makes sense with this, too. I believe you can overcome this.

 

My mom had extremely abusive parents, but she overcame it (she would definitely claim it was Christianity that helped though) and built a different life for herself and enjoys a very good, close relationship with me and our children (my brother has mental health problems, but he had a good childhood according to him, it seems it's more just genetic unfortunately). Thankfully for now he is managing it well (who knows what the future brings with mental health issues, it's always unpredictable). Overall though, aside from having to help my brother with his mental health, my mom is really very happy in her life, loves spending time with us as a family, loves and adores my husband and thinks I chose exceptionally well. She gardens, reads books, makes things and is incredibly artistic, loves animals, etc.).

 

But she went on to create a full, very different life than what she grew up with. She gave us what she never had. You can overcome this, too. It is a choice :)

 

I have a mentor also who I love and is like a second mom to me (in her 50's) and she also had terribly abusive parents, but she also overcame it. She would attribute her healing and power to overcome those things to Christianity, though, too... in general I think religions help people find purpose. I'm sure other people are able to find other things to help though as well, those are just the two mother-like figures in my life who I know personally who overcame pasts like yours. My mentor friend is healed but I think her process has been longer in continually learning to forgive her parents. But she has 2 adult daughters now who are living great lives :) so she broke that abusive cycle and went on to have a good family and completely different life for herself. But she did *choose* it.

 

You can be the piece of the puzzle that breaks the abusive cycle. Maybe you won't have kids, but in case you do, you can decide to do things opposite.

 

You can do this, but I don't think there are any perfect answers to finding the healing you want. Beware of hoax-religious healings, they can really prey on vulnerable people and that would do more harm than good. But in general, finding something that gives you a sense of purpose for your life, things like that are universal and usually bring secular or religious people a lot of happiness.

 

Maybe you'll be in the position to help someone else who grew up with abusive parents (as a mentor?), or maybe you can just focus on making your life the opposite of what you experienced so that if you do choose to have children later on, they feel loved and have great parents and great life.

[Seraphim]

It’s entirely possible to break the abusive cycle . I had an abusive upbringing including sexual abuse. I built a good life and have my own adult child who had a really good childhood.

[ShySoul]

First, you seem like are an intelligent person who has a good handle on why you're mom was this way. Parent's often project their thoughts, feelings, insecurities, etc. , onto their children. Sometimes it can be good like wanting to provide opportunities they never had. All to often it's negative. They have issues in their past they haven't worked out and it manifests in how they treat a child. While it may be easy to say intellectually, working through it emotional, however, is another story.

 

What I've learned in my life, and what I've seen from others, is that we are not are parents. We don't have to be like them or make those choices. You are already choosing a different path by looking at things and trying to understand them. Your mother wasn't able to do that. My sister once gave me some good advice on parents. My have the same father but different mothers, and she actually didn't know our father the first 21 years of her life. When talking about the parents who raised her, she said she tried to be the inverse of what she saw. She learned from their mistakes and wanted to do things better. While she still loved her parents and recognized the good things they did, she didn't want to continue the cycle. I've tried to do the same. I know my parents loved me as best they could. But I've tried to learn from the mistakes they made (and there was a lot) and do better. It's served me well in all aspects of my life.

 

It's been a struggle at times, but you have to love your parents (or anyone really) for who they are. You can't change them and you are not responsible for their choices. You have to focus on you and being happy with who you are and the life you are leading. It will take time to unpack it all, but I think you are off to a good start. Hang in there.

[catfeeder]

Consider using your adult insights to play the role of coach and comforter to your child self.

 

This can help you to put what you're learning to good use rather than torture yourself with it.

 

Self soothing is a skill, so it can be learned regardless of how deficient our parents have been in teaching us the skill. As adults we can see their damage and their limits, and this enables us to move beyond the damage they've inflicted on us.

 

That's how we break the cycle.

 

Take pride in your learning and resilience. Teach yourself how to become your own best friend, and you will never again be at the mercy of another's limits.

 

Head high, and good job.