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Partner talks with ex almost every day


GH83

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Hi all, hoping for some outside input as I'm struggling. My partner and I have known each other almost 2 years, been together a bit less than that. He told me straight up he had a 6 year old son with his ex. He didn't mention he was still married to her, I found after we'd been together for months, I asked and he admitted they were married and said he hadn't thought to mention it and didn't plan on getting divorced as neither of them saw the point (they'd been living separately for a while at this point). He told me he didn't have a problem with them being married so neither should I. A year into my relationship with him he was still married to her, owned a house and joint bank accounts, joint health insurance and Medicare and Netflix, shared a car, talked almost every day, etc. He slept at her place occasionally, would send me pictures of them doing stuff together, endlessly talk about her including that she was attractive, interesting and intelligent. I raised multiple times that I found how close they were uncomfortable. Communication between them seemed to slow down after a while. He later admitted he had been hiding it from me as he didn't like my response and that they still talked all the time. Sometimes we'd be lying together in bed and he'd talk to her on the phone about random things, or when we were out at dinner. Recently, after us moving in together and being together well over a year, he has made some changes. He proceeded with the divorce, has his own Medicare card, Netflix and health insurance. He still owns a house with her (that they're trying to sell) and has a joint bank account for reasons I don't understand. I feel as though he's listening to my concerns but nothing is changing. She calls almost every day and texts multiple times, all of which he answers/responds to. I think it's happening secretly as well, he'll sometimes leave the room to talk to someone. She's occasionally rude to me and he defends her (I made their son a gift and she called him to laugh about it and make fun of me, which he went along with, overheard because it was on loudspeaker). She's barged into our house multiple times and just stands there and he says nothing. I fully support them having an amicable relationship and talking about their child not only when necessary but whenever would be helpful. But he's admitted most conversations aren't about the child. In the past he has admitted to prioritising her feelings over mine, but says he doesn't do that any longer (I feel as though he does). Also, his family bought her a house to live in, he said he was uncomfortable with the idea but said nothing to them. Every time she calls it makes me feel disheartened and like I'm not able to deal with being in a relationship with someone who has a child and ex wife. He knows all this and I hate the person I'm becoming- I feel like I nag him and cry about this all the time. But I don't know what to do. My relationship with him is otherwise great. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do? Any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated!

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Regardless of what peoples outside perspectives turn out to be, I ask you this, are you content with this relationship where a close relationship with the ex is part of the deal? When you imagine your ideal partnership what does it look like? Do you feel like his most favourite person in the whole world? If he knew his actions were hurting you how would he move forward? Is that choice of action going forward something you want in a partner?

 

Now for my 2 cents, I think as long as he holds his ex close like he is currently doing he isn’t leaving space to grow a new serious relationship with someone else. He’s not making space for you, stuff this noise, dump this guy, being single would be better than being made to feel like a third wheel in your own relationship.

 

Him saying he doesn’t need to divorce and his partner should be fine with that? Daaaaaaaamn! You don’t have to be into the idea of marriage to want to make a marriage like commitment to someone. Can’t make it with this guy, he never finalised and ended the commitment to the last person!

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It doesn’t really matter whether what he is doing is right or wrong or if you are being reasonable or unreasonable.

 

It simply comes down to whether it’s acceptable to you or not.

 

From the beginning he has basically told you that he will never commit to you. He didn’t care to divorce because he clearly is not going down that route again.

He is all about convenience only. Not committment.

Living together is not committment and he has proven that to you.

 

Proceeding to try to change him into who you would like him to be and behave the way you would like him to is only going to ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship anyway.

That might take years but it will happen.

 

It would be easier to leave right now.

You can do that by either walking away or by giving an ultimatum.

Bear in mind untimatums rarely work and you need to be prepared to walk.

 

Good luck!

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He is still emotionally connected to his ex wife. They haven't broken up completely as they are both still relying on one another. There is also still a lot of emotions involved.

 

The fact that she comes first, that she is allowed to walk into your house whenever she please, the fact that she can make fun of you and he joins in, and lastly, the fact that her feelings will always come before yours....are all reasons why you should dump this man and his ex wife and never look back.

 

There is little to no respect here from either of them, you are always going to come last and your feelings will never be respected.

 

Why on earth would you accept this from anyone? Why allow them both to belittle you, and for you to accept the lowest level of respect possible?

 

This isn't love, this is him having someone around to keep his bed warm, but his heart is still very much with her, they have not cut emotional ties.

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There's no future with someone like this. He's lied to you all along.

 

After you have wasted your life as a free live-in nanny , housekeeper and mistress ( he still treats you as), you'll be left old, burned out, exhausted and broke.

 

Move out as soon as possible. Where are your children, family and friends? Do you work? What happened to your house?

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One should never give an ultimatum, as your partner should want to do want makes his partner happy, and do what s best for the relationship. The feelings would not magically disappear from the ex and he would hide his communication better.

 

Expect more from you partners.

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Hi, thanks for your reply. There was no affair as they'd been separated and living apart for months before I even met him. She had a boyfriend before I met him too.

 

Yes they are now legally divorced, as of a few days ago.

 

He's 32.

 

He was not financially dependent on her.

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He was barely out of his relationship , then rebounded with you. He still harbors strong feelings for her.

 

He was no where near ready for a relationship as he did not process the breakup, plus he was still married.

 

I would not date anyone until they had been divorced at least two years.

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You regularly cry. No matter the good points, when you're regularly upset in a relationship, it means it's very wrong for you. Yeah, a person who is ready for a relationship will only speak to his ex about their shared child and nothing more. He is severely crossing normal relationship boundaries.

 

He already knows you're upset and doesn't love you enough to fear losing you because of his behavior. You already know he hides his continual inappropriate ties with her since he's continuing on with pouring time and emotional energy into her.

 

Subconsciously, we choose who we think we're worthy of. You don't think much of yourself, since any person with healthy self-worth would have left as soon as she saw this was happening.

 

Leave this toxic relationship. Be alone and learn how to boost your self esteem. Because if you don't, you will repeat the pattern of choosing someone whose priority is someone else. He knows it's not a dealbreaker for you since you stick around, so why should he stop? As for you, you don't have control over someone else, and feeling the need to nag means you've chosen the wrong person, because you won't feel that need with the right one. Never stick around hoping for change. What you see is what you get. When you get some time and distance away from him, you'll likely shake your head at why you stayed so long. Simply say: "This relationship isn't working for me." And then go no contact for closure. Take care.

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He didn't mention he was still married to her, I found after we'd been together for months,

 

This would have been the end for me, so the rest is irrelevant.

 

I'd ask myself whether stepping inside someone else's marriage is the right place for me.

 

My take-away would be that I'll screen future dates carefully on meeting them by asking the right questions.

 

It makes no sense to allow ugly truths to shake out AFTER investing in a bad match.

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It started off badly with the lies and it should have stopped there. Unfortunately you won't see it as a bad situation until it's bad enough for you to want to let go permanently. When you're this deep in with someone and living together already, you'll always want to see the good and forget the bad because the good is enough for you to overlook all the painful things about the relationship that keep you up at night or cry yourself to sleep.

 

The biggest questions I'd be asking myself, in your position, is how you found yourself in that position believing a man like this in the first place. That question sent chills down my spine and left me awake a lot of nights because it forced me to question previous ideas or perceptions about myself or what I thought of others and how I approached different situations. Figuring out where I went wrong and how those previous thoughts were outdated, expired, no longer useful or helpful was a very excruciating shedding of one's skin. I knew I was growing. I just didn't know whether it was good or bad or what I'd be on the other side.

 

I can tell you that the other side is beautiful and it's peaceful. It's total blissful and all-encompassing peace. Today, right now, I've reached a place that I never thought possible and I can look back, with sympathy and a lot of compassion, at earlier parts of myself. If you're in pain and you need more clarity or guidance keep going back to your earlier self and what your ideas were when you first met this person. Where were you at that point in your life that left you vulnerable or open or not as experienced? Very often in difficult times we look at others for confirmation of bad deeds (our partners if they're incompatible to us or if the relationship has soured). We look at them for reason to leave and tell ourselves... just one more time and I'm gone. I can guarantee you that you're not stupid and you've already seen what he is a thousand times over. It's you who has to make peace with you - all of you, your vulnerabilities, weaknesses, who you were before all this started and where you're headed next.

 

Hope you find peace.

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You found out, you know, you stayed, now you have to be accountable. This isn't on him, you had every chance to walk. Doesn't matter that he's filing for divorce, he's got serious baggage...and why should you sacrifice your well being and the right to have a happy healthy relationship, just to stay with him...no man/love is worth any of that. Your focus isn't in the right place....the issue isn't his ex, the issue is the choice you made.

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I had dinner with a guy I met on a dating site.

All was going well, til he told me that if we started dating I would have to be "approved " by his ex wife, as she was the only one who truly knew him. They lived a few houses down from each other, had an open door policy meaning they just walked into each others houses, and they spent a lot of time together.

The ex was remarried & her husband was ok with this.

I told him that I dont have to be approved of by any ex, put money on the table for my meal, got up & walked out.

 

This is what you should have done from the very beginning, got up & walked away. This is your life, it will never change, no matter how much you complain about it.

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OMG :/.. he is insensitive! To be talking to HER when in bed..etc? Geeze man-

 

But, to have moved along as he has been doing, DOES sound like progress- but you say it isn't?

 

As for them always talking.. is not good. I say, UNLESS it is about their child, no more is necessary.

I feel he is also NOT taking YOUR feelings into account...respect.

 

As for HER? and her actions, I would speak up like NOW~! WHY is she acting like that- and HE is accepting?

 

Sounds like SHE has some major isssues :/. You dont need.. he's got to speak up! or I'd say leave.

 

Obviously, all of this is affecting you :(.

Maybe you moved in with this guy- way too soon- as they had NOT YET completely bee separated in a proper way..?

 

Every time she calls it makes me feel disheartened and like I'm not able to deal with being in a relationship with someone who has a child and ex wife.

- Nope, you dont deserve this- but it is going on..

 

I dont know what you should say or do.. But he really does need to unserstand how YOU see this & feel.. and he really should be smartening up more & make sure his EX does not just walk in your place.. fps!

 

I give it another few months.. If things dont improve, I would seriously remove myself- admitting, they were not done with each other.

 

In order to try & stay sane- your own well-being.

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