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I think I ruined everything


Squeezyy02

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Okay so me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 months now and she just broke up with me yesterday. She said that she doesn't have time for a relationship right now, and that we're both busy and we haven't talked much lately and she needs time to find herself. She also said that she still wants us to be friends and close friends. I told her that it's alright, don't worry about it, studying (we're both in uni) is more important right now.

 

The next day, I texted her saying that I didn't like how we ended things, and that I know we haven't talked much lately and it's because of the pressure we're both in and that I believe we can fix things. I told her that we should have a talk about what each of us want in this relationship, what we don't want, how often should we talk/call/text, how to be more emotionally connected and such. I also told her that she's one of a kind and I don't want to lose her just like that.

 

She responded saying that it's more about me than it is about you I can't be in a relationship right now. She also said that she feels there are things missing from our relationship that are just not there and won't end up being there even if we talked about it, it's going to end up forceful and not fair to any of us. That it's going to be a relationship "by name" and losing each other more than anything else and she doesn't want that to happen, that she still wants to be friends. Finally, she said that she is sorry that she doesn't mean things to end up this way and that she doesn't believe she can be the person I want her to be now or anytime in the future.

 

I think she completely friendzoned me forever when she said "Anytime in the future" :((((((((((

Notice how her response changed? Did I royally **** up by sending her that text the next day? Is there any chance we could end up together again, or did I royally **** things up???

I don't know what to do. I'm in love with her and I want her badly ;(

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Sorry for your loss. The friendship thing is usually offered out of guilt. Whatever her reason, the fact is she doesn't want to continue being in a relationship. It sucks but it's part of life. The only thing you can do is let go. And BTW she already made her decision awhile ago, it wasn't in haste or last min and you didn't do anything wrong. It's a sad reality but people just simply fall out of love or weren't really that into you. I have a feeling your intensity for her made her realize (and she even said this) that she can't be the person blah blah blah, meaning she can't give you what you want. Your feelings don't match.

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I have been in your shoes, and I know it hurts, and it's confusing. She's been as kind to you as possible as to make this not so hard on you....but as you can see as soon as you pushed, her words got harsher. She is pretty firm about the breakup. If you want the possibility of her changing her mind, you have to completely cut her off, go no contact, dump her off all your social media. Slam it right back at her. To be desirable is to be unavailable.

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Sorry to hear this. How old is she? Unfortunately 12 weeks is just enough time to see if things are working and enough time for the newness to wear off.

 

What did she mean by "she can be the person I want her to be now or anytime in the future"?. Was there pressure to have sex, change her or lack communication to the point of being fwb?

 

It's good you sent the text because it gave you definitive answers rather than the usual "I need to work on myself" vagueness. Now you know to simply delete and block her from All your social media and All your messaging apps and not "stay friends".

 

Do Not Contact her and Do Not try to reconcile. She just wasn't feeling it. It's possible she met someone or went back to an ex. "Work on myself/need space" is sometimes code for that.

She said that she doesn't have time for a relationship right now, and that we're both busy and we haven't talked much lately and she needs time to find herself. She also said that she still wants us to be friends and close friends.

 

she doesn't believe she can be the person I want her to be now or anytime in the future.

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Sorry to hear this. How old is she? Unfortunately 12 weeks is just enough time to see if things are working and enough time for the newness to wear off.

 

What did she mean by "she can be the person I want her to be now or anytime in the future"?. Was there pressure to have sex, change her or lack communication to the point of being fwb?

 

It's good you sent the text because it gave you definitive answers rather than the usual "I need to work on myself" vagueness. Now you know to simply delete and block her from All your social media and All your messaging apps and not "stay friends".

 

Do Not Contact her and Do Not try to reconcile. She just wasn't feeling it. It's possible she met someone or went back to an ex. "Work on myself/need space" is sometimes code for that.

 

She said that she can't be the person I want her to be. Not now. Not in the future.

 

I believe she said that because she doesn't want me to wait for her. There are still feelings buried deep within and I'd like to work slowly to extract those feelings. I know this sounds stupid but I'm pretty sure of my feelings for this girl, I think I'm in love with her. I want to play it nicely and see how things work out. I won't try to force anything

 

And no, ofcourse there wasn't any pressure of sex or whatsoever

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I have been in your shoes, and I know it hurts, and it's confusing. She's been as kind to you as possible as to make this not so hard on you....but as you can see as soon as you pushed, her words got harsher. She is pretty firm about the breakup. If you want the possibility of her changing her mind, you have to completely cut her off, go no contact, dump her off all your social media. Slam it right back at her. To be desirable is to be unavailable.

 

Yes I can see that. I shouldn't have confronted her about it tho... My bad. I wasn't thinking clearly after the breakup. I was so frustrated.

 

I believe I can win her back. Not now but later in the future. Like really later. I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but for this girl I'd do anything.

Do I make sense?

Do you think I can slowly rebuild that connection we once had and in the right time to ask her out again?

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Three months? That's hard to say. It's so short. Just a blink of an eye. Give it time to settle. I think you're grasping at straws and panicking quite a lot in withdrawal. When the dust clears you might see this person isn't worth a second thought and you'll meet someone else who does want to spend time with you or be all those things that she wasn't. Appreciate the good memories and let go of this. Focus on your studies.

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I believe I can win her back. Not now but later in the future. Like really later. I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but for this girl I'd do anything.

 

 

By that time she will have already moved on if she hasn't already....and probably you too.

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I agree with Rose and Holly. Don't overthink and think that one person with romantic feelings is enough because that person can somehow extract feelings from the other. Both people have to independently feel all those romantic feelings. Add "with you" to her telling you she's not looking for a relationship right now. That is what she means and she doesn't want to hurt you. But it will help you move on.

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She backed out in the most thoughtful way. If you continue to 'try to extract feelings' as you put it you risk her having to choose harsher words to get the same message through to you.

 

Leave on a high note.

The only way she'd return is on her own accord.

 

3 months in is a typical turning point for new relationships to either move forward or come to an end.

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You didn't ruin anything. She gracefully backed out. Give her credit for doing that and hurting you in the least possible way. You just need to respect her wishes and not push her. She's made it crystal clear that she needs to move on, without you (sorry). If she wants, she knows how to find you. Please leave her alone, walk away, and hold your head up high. BTW, I do feel bad for you but some things in life aren't meant to be.

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Never mind those "Get your ex back, guaranteed!!!" scam websites. They exist to separate you from your money, not reconcile you with an ex. As far as "rebuilding attraction", yeah, that doesn't exist. She is either attracted to being in a relationship with you or she's not. Right now she's not.

 

I would accept what she said as the truth. And if you're in school there are like a zillion other young women around, many of whom WOULD want to date you and have a relationship with you. You just have to decide you'd rather pursue someone who wants to be with you rather than someone who already said she doesn't.

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She responded saying that it's more about me than it is about you I can't be in a relationship right now. She also said that she feels there are things missing from our relationship that are just not there and won't end up being there even if we talked about it, it's going to end up forceful and not fair to any of us. That it's going to be a relationship "by name" and losing each other more than anything else and she doesn't want that to happen, that she still wants to be friends.

- Like she said...It's just not right and is more 'her'. She's being honest and you need to accept this.

She's just not that 'into it' :/.

 

As for 'just being Friends..? Many will try this.. I dont agree.

Since you guys have crossed that line- so is much different now- which makes it harder to 'go backwards' - you agree?

 

Is not you.. you were okay to ask her about it all.

But, you got your answer, you just need to work on accepting, her choice in all of this.

 

Sorry, I know it hurts.

 

Now, just back away.. leave all alone.. and work you focusing on YOU.

No more contact.. No begging, etc. (to keep at it, carrying on, you will just make all worse) :/

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did you know that you can do nothing wrong and still lose the girl? Its just how life is. Remember, it takes two to make a relationship work. You cant have enough love or enough feelings to make up for the lack of commitment from the other person. You can want her and devote your entire being to be with her but if she doesn't want to be with you, then its just not going to happen.

 

Doesn't mean you did or said anything wrong. She wanted out and picked any reason to break it off. In reality, she had already decided she was going to break it off with you and just waited to find any excuse and to be honest. If it didn't happen last week, it would of happened this week, or next week, but it would of happened.

 

So I know you want to "win" her back and Ill be brutally honest with you. She has already emotionally separated from you and does not see you as a romantic or sexual partner. In other words, she is not that into you. What you do it stand up, dust yourself off and then you go make you be happy then you will find someone else who actually wants to be with you. And a little pro-tip for you. If you have to have a talk about conditions and rules and bargain and reason to be in a relationship, then its not meant to be. You will eventually find someone else. Let this one go.

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