Jump to content

Recommended Posts

. I started dating a man in August , the first 2 dates were amazing , very romantic , third date we went to watch the sun set and then he took me to his house . There I was very transparent with him and shared every thing about my past relationships ( have been in 2 abusive marraiges ) also my last relationship was not a relationship that I was manipulated by a coworker ( saying he wanted a relationship which after that just became more kind of using for sex and he basically said we were just FWB ? I left that job and stared BTO and some inner work .

 

Also I told him that I always had to look for my moms approval as a child , have never known what unconditional love is as my mom never even hugged me . I have done lot of work on self love and still in the process , also told him that I am not looking for fun , and for me being intimate with some one is sacred . Since then he has pulled back and although I know he is physically attracted to me , he would not even make an attempt to kiss me . It’s been already 2 months . All he would say is I can’t get intimate unless I am sure we are headed towards a relationship .

 

We have been meeting once a week , hand around talk a lot and then last week , I broke through and touched him affectionately and we both had some deep intimate conversation about sex and intimacy . He seemed very attractied and I had a sense that he liked me a lot .

 

What bothers me is after we meet he never initiates the contact , he is not a text or face time person . Just believes in meeting in person . I have been intiating texts and he “ always “ replies after few hrs . After our intimate talk last week , I asked him if he wanted to meet tomorrow ( Friday ) 10/09 as that is the day that will work for me best , his answer was no I can’t do tomorrow but I can today , I said I can’t today as my daughter is with me , I replied we can work out some day next week and he was fine with it .

 

So my question is is this guy really interested ? If yes why does not he intimate text after we have such good time ? After hanging with him so long some times we talk for hrs , I have started to like him a lot , when I expressed that and that I am also developing more attraction to him , he pulls back . I know we are not exclusive at this point .

 

Why does he pull back after showing so much interest initially , and when I expressed I like him and getting physically attracted , then he pulls back even more . I am sure he is dating other women as we are not exclusive , I am trying to see other people as well , but like him a lot and miss him . What do I do ? I have already expressed to him my feelings , I don’t think he is not going to initiate until he is sure of a relationship , so I have decided to give a gap and let’s see what happens . Do I move on ? At this point we have decided to hang out next week when it works out for both of us . I am also anxiety attachment style and have abandonment issue from childhood .

 

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you for your continued support . It’s very helpful . 💕

Link to post
Share on other sites

Way too much oversharing. Why would you feel that it was okay to share all of this personal history with someone that you had been on three dates with? If someone told me all of this so early in, I would run for the hills. Big red flag. Even if a platonic friend shared all of this after not knowing them for a long period of time, I would think it was off.

 

What would you gain from it?

Edited by Hollyj
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with Holly to be honest. Of course you shouldn't just talk about generic "safe topics" when you first start dating someone, but I think it's unnecessary ti start talking about all your ex's and problems, especially straight away. If you need to discuss your abandonement issues with and other issues, you can discuss them with a therapist. I think you were talking too much about your issues, too fast. Most people don't want to hear about ex's, so it's best to keep that to a bare minimum. So just saying "I was married twice" is enough. You don't need to talk about how abusive the marriages were. Also saying you're "too scared to get intimate" is basically a red flag. Which might explain why this guy hasn't been intimate with you in two months. Have you kissed at least or nothing?

 

I think if this guy never contacts you first and doesn't even kiss, I'd say he's not that interested. He's probably just "going with the flow" because you keep inviting him out.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

What is "BTO"? Before you date and before you go to anyone's house, make sure you are secure in yourself.

 

This level of extreme self-absorbtion doesn't really offer much to anyone you may want to date.

 

Dating is not a therapeutic theater. Sending these extraordinary mixed signals would push anyone away. First you tell him how damaged you are and how you don't want intimacy, then you want more.

 

Decide what you want. Dating? An exclusive relationship? Or a therapist?

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

From your previous posts you didn’t describe your second marriage as abusive. In fact you left your second marriage for a coworker correct?

Not being happy in a relationship does not equate to it being an abusive one?

And usually an abusive husband won’t just let you leave for another man.

 

So, to start with , I’m confused!?

 

Please clarify? I’m only going by what you have previously written.

 

With that said, your current situation is that you went on a few dates with a guy and proceeded to tell him “everything “ about your previous relationships, telling him they were abusive etc.

what was your rationale for that? To gain sympathy? Perhaps that’s what you got? And why he continues to meet you once a week because he now feels sorry for you.

 

And now you want us to try decipher it for you?

 

And then you proceed to tell him about your childhood issues. You are no longer that child.

As an adult what have you done to process that?

 

You have told him you have never known what unconditional love is.

That is actually something none of us every really know until we give it.

You have children. Do you love them unconditionally?

 

I never knew unconditional love until I got my first puppy.

It’s all about giving not receiving.

 

Basically you have told this guy that you are unable to live in the present and stuck in the past.

You have unresolved issues and have an expectation for him to change that.

He needs to not be abusive (according to what you consider abusive) and love you unconditionally. Yet he doesn’t even know you!?

 

So to finally get around to answering your question, yes you are clingy.

And for the wrong reasons. You are not even that interested in him but what he can give you.

Is he interested? Initially yes until you started to reveal all the reasons why he shouldn’t be.

He deserves to be with someone interested in him as a person , someone who wants to know more about him (not his past relationships) spend time with him and not utilise his time to offload their past on him.

 

Until you deal with your issues and don’t feel the urge to offload to another , you are not ready to date, you will not have a successful relationship and you shouldn’t try.

 

Take time out. Work on being comfortably single for a couple of years , seek therapy if needs be.

Let this guy go.

 

Good luck!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It is a learning lesson. I’ve been there before so I get it. I think you need to learn to set emotionally healthy boundaries for what you share right away. If you share with guys you just meet and date not for long your whole life story, you will either scare them off or give them reason to take advantage. Unfortunately there’s people out there that use others weak spots as momentum. You need to better guard yourself and not be so vulnerable right away.

 

I think if this guy is turned off by this the damage may already be done. Just remember this next time. Before there is a next time though work out these issues and put them to bed.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with the others way too much oversharing & too early. Why do you think you need to share so much? In general, people tend to be overwhelmed by too much info too soon and they probably think, wow this person is a lot.

 

Maybe you need to start seeing things for what they are and not what you want them to be. How do you figure a guy could be interested but yet never initiate contact and take a long time to respond? They are showing you through there actions they are not that interested.

 

Sorry. I'm sure this sounds harsh but it sounds like you need some realness. When people don't treat you good, get away from them. Stop making it is easy for them to treat you any old way. Focus on yourself. Find peace in being alone at times. It will help you distance yourself from bad behavior. Because you're ok with yourself, you won't need anyone else, especially a person that does not value you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you have to ask why....that's your answer right there. It's not serious. I agree with Lambert, stop making it so easy for them, and I agree with the others, way too much personal information, deep serious conversations, showing too much vulnerability etc. You are setting yourself up to being taken advantage once again.... early days, that's the time to flirt, be sexy, have fun, keep things light and get to know them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes Billie , I totally agree with word to word what you said .

 

Although it is harsh , I needed to hear that .

 

About my second marraige , it was empty , no love and emotionally abusive .I stayed in that state for 5 yrs , That is the reason I drifted to wards my co worker .

 

The reason to mention they were abusive was not to get sympathy , but I wanted to be transparent. But I get it . I am not perfect myself . If any marraige ends even if it was abusive , you also have your faults and must have contributed to it .

 

Yes my relation with my ( co worker ) was not at all healthy , I have posted them here before , that’s why I started dating . Not to get into a relationship, but to explore , learn and also work on myself . BTO is the work I have been doing on myself called ( becoming the one ) . A course that helps to connect to your deeper self , self love and healing , which I totally agree I need now the most .

 

My work on myself has started , and you are right that I need to give myself time and heal before I jump on to relationships. That is my goal . Also I have a anxious attachment style , may be one of the reason I over shared about my self before knowing the person completely.

 

Yes this is a learning lesson . You are right , if you become vulnerable soon , and tell your life story , you either scare away or ante taken advantage of . My coworker took advantage of me ( again initially J let him cuz I enjoyed what ever he was giving me but to continue that kind of FWB was toxic for me )

 

This is guy is a good guy , did not take advantage , was interested initially but I scared him away , with over sharing . He became a shoulder to unload , and I did not even realize that I was doing that . I think the rehearsal is distancing himself is very obvious.

 

Yes I think the damage might be done , but I have learned a very valuable lesson . I know whereI stand in my healing process . I have issues to address.

 

Regarding unconditional love , you are very right you give it . I have puppy too who unconditionally loves me and yes I unconditionally love my children.

 

Again Thanks a lot for your honest feed back . I needed to hear this . 🙏

Link to post
Share on other sites

. . Oversharing so early on, the person on receiving end feels a forced sense of psuedo intimacy.

It also suggests that these experiences are still very much impacting your life and not something you have worked through and healed from

Sometimes when you do that it is interpreted as rushing things that should otherwise fold out organically and slowly.

You should only share those most vulnerable details of your life with someone you fully trust. 2nd date in, you don't even know this guy.

So, yes. It comes off as over eager and forced.

Think of dating like peeling an onion. Slowly, one layer at a time.

Don't share intimate details until a later date (a very much later in your case)

Take some time to reflect why you shared them so quickly and why they hold that much importance to you. 2nd date in you might share your favorite movie, favorite vacation. Not your toxic relationship history.

 

My guess is you haven't healed enough from those experiences to enter into a new relationship quite yet. There is no shame in that. Take some time to take care of yourself first.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't see this person again. It doesn't sound like he reciprocates the same feelings. He only seems to light up when you're 'intimate'. I'm not sure if you've had sex with him. Don't initiate any more contact.

 

Your question was whether you're clingy. If you continue to initiate contact and let him use you for sex (which appears to be a pattern in one of your previous relationships), this isn't a relationship founded on mutual respect.

 

You seem hung up about the past quite a lot. People are quick to pick up on that in first dates and draw back from TMI or feel overwhelmed. If you're ready to date again at a later time, try to distance yourself from the past. Don't beat yourself up over what's already happened. It'll put you in a better mindframe when making decisions about current/future partners as items or events come up. I like to think of it as 'traveling light'. People want to see all of you, not just your issues and problems.

 

Don't be too discouraged. I think what you need most is to really be kind to yourself and leave the past in the past. This doesn't mean chucking it in a box and kicking it closed to some dark corner of your mind. I think handling the pain of the past or whatever you've been through requires some kindness and compassion towards yourself and what you've experienced. Face the bad, acknowledge the good and cover it in a blanket of flowers. It's finished. Leave it behind. Tell yourself what's done is done and give yourself a chance to move on with a fresh start.

Link to post
Share on other sites
So my question is is this guy really interested ?

 

No, not really.

 

It seems you have come to this realization, though. His isn't the behaviour of a guy who wants to take things further with you. It's time to extract yourself from this before you get even more hurt, PJM.

Link to post
Share on other sites

IMO, sounds like you two are basically just friends- and after this amt of time..?

He seems too hesitant.. but things should really be moving forward a bit by now.. yes?

 

IF he is so hesitant... no idea what his problem is? Unless.. he reacted when you explained yourself?

Then, that may be what the problem is...

 

I dont know why YOU are saying you are trying to see other people too?

Is there a need- that you have to? Would that not cause more strain on you at this time?

Since you are still trying to figure this one out.. I dont think you should be adding more to your life, especially if you are having issue's from your past and now this one.

 

I wouldn't keep initiating anything.. and make sure YOU are not the only one reaching out.

If he doesn't seem to be trying much... dont force it.

 

If you two dont seem to be moving along at which you are wanting, maybe let it go and stop expecting any more.

 

Also, I suggest you maybe not explain yourself so much right off the bat.. It may be what set him off.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...