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I am a 30 year old woman and I messed up everything in my life. I was in a 10 year relationship that ended nowhere. He was too lazy and not a reliable man , no job , no intention to become a responsible person, yet i never ended it sooner because i was too emotionally attached and waiting for him to change. So i finally ended it in 10 years cos there were no sings of change (yes it was my call). 2 years later and now he has a job , he changed and become all the things i needed him to be earlier and ofcourse he is with someone else while i am a train wreck. I feel devastated , he never tried for me even if i stayed with him so long trying to make him change. I still havent dated anyone else. I still have feelings for him and i hate myself for that. I also lost all my friends during these years . mostly cos i was depressed and had no intention to see anyone. Now all of them are married with their jobs and all the normal things an adult at our age must have , while i am jobless , single , with not a single friend and basically not a life. I dont even have money to seek for proffesional help. My relationship with my parents suck , i never felt they truly loved me , i never felt like growing inside a family. They always abused me mentally and psychically since i was a kid and even now they look at me like i am trash and blame me all day for becoming the nothingness i am , always comparing me with others that have their lives on a track , making me feel even worse about myself (like i dont know already all these things). I dont have anyone in my life and i feel too old to start over , i cant find a job , everyone around me are couples or married and busy with their lives and jobs , i feel embarassed to try and socialize with anyone anymore. And in the end who would ever date me now , i am already too old for most men and moreover most are already taken , and those who arent and are around my age will ofcourse prefer a younger girl to date. I live in a small town so there arent many opportunities anyway to meet someone. And i am always afraid to face people that will ask about my life and i will have to tell them that i dont have anything , not a relationship , not even a career job. Now i feel like I reached a dead end , everyone will be with their families while i will be all alone and life will just keep passing by , making me older and more and more miserable and resentful. I dont know anymore how to cope with all these things, it feels like there is no way to fix anything anymore.

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Well, you did a good thing by getting out of that relationship. But you stopped there when you should have kept pressing forward.

 

Take a page out of your ex boyfriend's book: put one foot in front of the other. Get a job. Change. Become all of the things you need to be. Find another relationship.

 

If he can do it, you can do it. He isn't magic. It isn't impossible.

 

Stop punishing yourself by dwelling on things that make you feel bad. It's poisonous to you.

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It sounds like what your ex needed was to hit rock bottom, and when you dumped him, that is what he did. And from the bottom, the only way is up, and from what you have said, that is the path that he has taken.

 

To me, you sound like you are at rock bottom now. And from there, there are only two ways to go... Stay where you are or find a way out. I doubt you want to stay where you are, because your post sounds like you are really really enjoying being down there, so the only way is out.

 

As Jibralta says, you need to stop dwelling on things that make you feel bad. Your long held expectation that people must be a certain way, is keeping you down in that dirty pit of despair. And, unfortunately, you are the only one who can get you out. We, and other people, can give you a helping hand, but you are the one who has to do the heavy lifting. And as for being too old? You're 30, barely out of diapers with a long life ahead of you. You still have a lot of potential to get out there and make something of your life, but there is only one thing holding you back. You. This I'm not good enough, I'm too old, my parents hate me victimhood BS is not going to get you anywhere.

 

So, it's time to stop comparing yourself to other people, expecting that everything will magically get better, and start to get out of that pit you seem to be enjoying. And take little steps, find something that you can take pleasure in and focus on that, slowly building more and more things. Look for a job, it doesn't matter what. Go work at McDonalds or something. But don't see it as being beneath you, as guess what, right now, it is a step up for you. Celebrate that and then look for the next step up.

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Sounds like you need to seek a way to open up your horizons more. Living in a small town where everyone is marrying early, etc. may well leave you feeling the way you are. In reality, tons of single people in their 30's just starting up with their lives. Nothing is over or too late, not by a longshot.

 

If there are no jobs where you are, look at bigger cities and apply and apply some more. Get yourself out of that cage you are sitting in and out of the rut.

 

Instead of comparing yourself to other people and looking at what you don't have, focus on what you want to have and what you need to do to start heading in that direction. What can you do today that will get you closer to your personal goals? Make a plan and start hashing away at it, one foot in front of the other, just do it. If getting a job means you need to send out a couple thousand resumes all over the states, then roll up your sleeves and get on it. Sending out 50 of them today gets you closer to your goal of getting a job and a job gets you closer to a career eventually and.....you get the idea.

 

Stop looking at what others have and start asking yourself what kind of a life do you want to build and get to building it one brick at a time.

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I'm sorry things haven't panned out how you wish. The good thing is that you can always start over at any point in your life. You likely have at least fifty years left on the planet, so you can either wallow in excuses or you can make goals and take small steps that will lead to bigger steps, and one day you will reap the fruits of your labor.

 

No dating prospects in your small town and no friends or family to stick around for? Choose a city you think will be fun to live in, and start applying for jobs there. Even if it's a starter job, think about a career you can be passionate about, and you can get that education even if it's part time while you work to achieve that goal. You can always create a new support group by doing volunteer work and/or go to Meetup.com events, and/or start a new hobby, take dance lessons, etc. The world is your oyster. You could also seek out therapy and until you can afford that, there are library books you can check out that might help you feel better about yourself. Because you don't want to date until you have a healthy self-esteem.

 

Excuses will keep you in a depressing rut. There are always solutions to every problem. You can't control other people, if they leave you and don't come through for you. However, you have control of your own life. You're the driver, and if you're the only one who has your back, so be it. Strengthen your spine so you're up for the job. Take care.

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It's okay that you have not been involved again.. it takes time to recover from a long term relationship and you are still dealing with that experience.

 

Don't hate yourself for still lost in feelings over him- you were emotionally invested .

 

Seems like obviously, your past with you family you were damaged, due to your abuse :/. To not be able to get some professional help is not good. ( Have you tried reaching out to local mental health services- to see if there is something to help people out in your position?)

 

We are never too old to start over again. It can be done. :)

 

Afraid to socialize.. how about you join local singles group - on Fb. I have seen many. You can at least maybe see about joining a few for a coffee or something..?

 

i am already too old for most men and moreover most are already taken , and those who arent and are around my age will ofcourse prefer a younger girl to date.

- This is not true. There are many single men out there- who have also been thru break ups & divorces.

Look into some dating sites... set up an acct.. and just ' do a tour'.. take your time.

 

One way or another.. you need to 'try' to find a few friends..

Meanwhile.. focus on you.. try to eat well.. boost your system.. get your sleep etc.

 

Look online on ways to 'help cope' with mental health issue's,,, depression, anxiety etc. ( self help).

 

No way to fix.. there is always a way :).

 

You just feel so low & like you have failed.. this is what you need to fight.

I am pretty sure you are just as good as the rest of us.. and yes, battling depression is hard sometimes- been there.

 

One day at a time... work on you. You can succeed.. Life does not stop because one relationship failed.

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OP. This is quite appalling:

 

"They (parents) always abused me mentally and psychically since i was a kid and even now they look at me like i am trash and blame me all day for becoming the nothingness i am , always comparing me with others that have their lives on a track , making me feel even worse about myself (like i dont know already all these things)"

 

How can parents destroy their offspring in this manner. I am sorry OP.

 

Your first move must be to get away from their toxicity, far away. Once you do that matters will improve and you can move forward and seek work, take up hobbies as advised by other posters

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Adjustment takes time but you will get there.....you need time to get yourself back because you spent way too much giving yourself to this relationship. It's called bouncing back...get busy with life and stop thinking about the past.

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Are you still in touch with him? How do you know what he's up to? Where do you live if you aren't employed? Are you living with family?

 

Try and get back up on your feet and find some employment, forget everything else for now. As soon as you're self-sufficient the less what others think/do will matter. Keep your chin up. It'll get better as soon as you start finding more independence.

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Are you still in touch with him? How do you know what he's up to? Where do you live if you aren't employed? Are you living with family?

 

 

Yes. He never stopped having contact with me. No meet ups , we havent seen each other for 8 months , he doesnt live here anymore. I never contacted him first , but he kept a regular contact with me, always sending me something or calling me sometimes (every2-3 weeks). He had hidden that he has a new relationship , he pretended to be single actually until one day i asked him directly and i was even shocked that he said he has one cos there were no sings at all (he pretended like he had a boring life , work-home)

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Yes. He never stopped having contact with me. No meet ups , we havent seen each other for 8 months , he doesnt live here anymore. I never contacted him first , but he kept a regular contact with me, always sending me something or calling me sometimes (every2-3 weeks). He had hidden that he has a new relationship , he pretended to be single actually until one day i asked him directly and i was even shocked that he said he has one cos there were no sings at all (he pretended like he had a boring life , work-home)

 

This contact is part of the reason you are stuck so bad. It's keeping you on the hook when you need to be healing and moving on. It's also quite cruel and selfish of him to keep on using you like a plan B. Basically, he hasn't changed in that he is still a lousy human being and still a user he's always been and you've always known him to be. This is your confirmation that dumping him was actually the right decision. He didn't become some great person you want him to be, not at all.

 

Do yourself a favor and stop talking to him completely. No more contact whatsoever. Time for you to do what you haven't done in 10 years - focus on yourself and figure out who you are and who you want to be and how to go about getting there.

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Yes. He never stopped having contact with me. No meet ups , we havent seen each other for 8 months , he doesnt live here anymore. I never contacted him first , but he kept a regular contact with me, always sending me something or calling me sometimes (every2-3 weeks). He had hidden that he has a new relationship , he pretended to be single actually until one day i asked him directly and i was even shocked that he said he has one cos there were no sings at all (he pretended like he had a boring life , work-home)

 

That's your ticket to Goodbye. This is means saying goodbye to this person. I feel sad for his current girlfriend. The more you get mixed up with people like this the worse you'll think of yourself. It's all related. Start meeting new people and engaging with others who have bigger and better ideas. Don't deal with smallmindedness like this or people who have their head up their backside or have the ability to throw their loved ones under the bus or not be honest about their lives. You know better than this.

 

Have courage. Move on.

 

Like the others have said, focus on your hobbies and your plans for yourself. The more you turn inwards and keep working on you, the less what other people do matters. They no longer have an effect on your life at all.

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Sorry to hear this. Do you live at home? The first step of course is try try to find some work. Anything. If that is difficult, go to social services for help with housing, food, job placement, career training and most of all health care.

 

You need to go to a doctor and get a complete evaluation to address protracted sadness, hopelessness, helplessness and ruminating. Once you get your mental and physical health in order you'll start feeling a lot better.

 

You need to distance yourself from any toxic/abusive family. At 18, it's up to you to be the architect of your own life and you simply can't keep blaming your childhood, past lovers, etc., no matter how bad. A victim mentality will hold you back from happiness.

 

Stop scanning social media and assuming everyone but you has wonderful families, relationships and lives. Work on Your life, Your health, Your job search. Once you feel better you can join some clubs, groups, volunteer and possibly get on some dating apps and start talking to/meeting men. But... you need to get your mental health in order.

I am a 30 year old woman. i cant find a job , not a relationship , not even a career job.
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Sounds like you need to seek a way to open up your horizons more. Living in a small town where everyone is marrying early, etc. may well leave you feeling the way you are. In reality, tons of single people in their 30's just starting up with their lives. Nothing is over or too late, not by a longshot.

 

If there are no jobs where you are, look at bigger cities and apply and apply some more. Get yourself out of that cage you are sitting in and out of the rut.

 

Instead of comparing yourself to other people and looking at what you don't have, focus on what you want to have and what you need to do to start heading in that direction. What can you do today that will get you closer to your personal goals? Make a plan and start hashing away at it, one foot in front of the other, just do it. If getting a job means you need to send out a couple thousand resumes all over the states, then roll up your sleeves and get on it. Sending out 50 of them today gets you closer to your goal of getting a job and a job gets you closer to a career eventually and.....you get the idea.

 

Stop looking at what others have and start asking yourself what kind of a life do you want to build and get to building it one brick at a time.

 

I really want to leave from here , but with no money and no job available its very difficult to do it , at least at the moment. Its very hard to find a job in the country i live in , low payment, very few jobs and high living expenses.

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Sorry to hear this. Do you live at home? The first step of course is try try to find some work. Anything. If that is difficult, go to social services for help with housing, food, job placement, career training and most of all health care.

 

You need to go to a doctor and get a complete evaluation to address protracted sadness, hopelessness, helplessness and ruminating. Once you get your mental and physical health in order you'll start feeling a lot better.

 

You need to distance yourself from any toxic/abusive family. At 18, it's up to you to be the architect of your own life and you simply can't keep blaming your childhood, past lovers, etc., no matter how bad. A victim mentality will hold you back from happiness.

 

Stop scanning social media and assuming everyone but you has wonderful families, relationships and lives. Work on Your life, Your health, Your job search. Once you feel better you can join some clubs, groups, volunteer and possibly get on some dating apps and start talking to/meeting men. But... you need to get your mental health in order.

 

Yes i am living at my parents house currently , it wasnt always like that , i used to live alone but now i dont have any job and its not possible.

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I really want to leave from here , but with no money and no job available its very difficult to do it , at least at the moment. Its very hard to find a job in the country i live in , low payment, very few jobs and high living expenses.

 

I understand that. It is hard, especially now and may well be extremely hard, but not impossible and that's what you need to focus on - it's not impossible. Keep seeking no matter how far and wide you have to cast your net. While you are seeking, think what you can do in the short term - pick up some babysitting or pet sitting, maybe a local store needs someone to stock shelves at night, etc. It may not be anything great, but it's money in your pocket and it will help you move forward.

 

All those people you know that have jobs - ask them if there is an opening, can they look or recommend you. Sometimes the hardest thing and also the most effective thing you can do is ask for help.

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I can empathize with your situation and I am in my late 40's. Last year I ended a toxic relationship with a man who sounds similar to yours. Lazy, irresponsible, totally self centered, etc. I had no friends, family as I ended up choosing friends who did nothing but use me for favors, money, etc. Inevitably I had to let these people go and I felt totally alone in the world. It's an awful feeling believing no one cares. My 2 pets love me unconditionally and they got me through the worst times of my life.

 

I feel that some of the previous posters have been a little harsh. Certainly you need to take actions to move on from this but empathy can make us feel understood in this lonely and sometimes cold world.

 

I came from a broken family as a child. Both parents were completely emotionally (and often physically as well) unavailable. I'm not looking for a pity party but use this info to understand my patterns in why I choose toxic people in my life.

 

Things have improved gradually over the past year but I started by taking things one day at a time. The first was adopting my loving pets, joining some support groups then looking for another job. I stayed far away from relationships completely until I felt somewhat emotionally healed. After that I started making more efforts to meet people gradually, and assessing if the relationships are 50 50 or if the person has nothing to give.

 

Take good care and realize we all deserve to be loved. We need to make astute choices in who we let into our lives.

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These two things are impeding your progress:

 

he kept a regular contact with me, always sending me something or calling me sometimes (every2-3 weeks).
Yes i am living at my parents house currently , it wasnt always like that , i used to live alone but now i dont have any job and its not possible.

 

I realize that you can't leave your parents' house at the moment, but you can cut contact with your ex.

 

At the very least, you can do that. And you can do it right now.

 

In the meantime, search relentlessly for a job and take one. Save money. Get your own place.

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A song lyric comes to mind after reading your post. It’s “Can’t you see? Life’s easy if you look at things from a different point of view.” In the song she sings also about her boyfriend and her splitting up and having no money.

 

I think if you look at this as a fresh new start instead of an ending with your relationship you’ll feel better. Your story still is unfolding and you are quite young still. If you want change then don’t expect it to come overnight. You can start by taking steps to set it in motion. Take this opportunity at your parents house to find out what you want out of life and create goals. You got this!

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