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Should I try to get my ex boyfriend back?


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He gets a big, fat ego boost as he knows that you still love him and wants a reconciliation. . A friend would never do this to another, as they would realize how painful it was. He is not considering what is better for you.

 

How are you going feel as his 'friend' when he starts dating others? Are you ready to hear about the girls he is dating?

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If he is seeing someone else then why he intends to stay "close" friends?

 

so you can be his back up plan if it doesn't work?

Dumpers have put alot of thought into ending a relationship long before their partner is even aware.

Having said that it's sometimes scary for the dumper to leave, so they try to leave slowly and wean themselves from you. That may be why he's going on about being friends and otherwise. He afraid of making a bad decision. But don't transelate that as love. He's only looking out for his best interests.

All in all this is disrespectful to you and your feelings. To breakup with someone but insist they still have the right to be in your life is selfish. Dumpers should be respectful and leave the person they left entirely alone so they can heal, get on with their life and find someone that loves them they way they deserve.

This guy is just being selfish.

Block him. He no longer gets to state the terms of the breakup.

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my bf decided to breakup with me, after he said we want different things in life and future, for example I'm outgoing and like traveling, and he prefers a quiet family, however he said nothing is wrong with me, and just love is not enough, I'm really confused and don't know should I be working on getting him back or just let him go,

- Let him go. Why would you want to try & get someone like this back?

 

And I say No to 'friends', not if your heart is still in it. Not until or unless you are totally over him. Your choice if you can handle it...

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It may be difficult for people to believe, but you can actually break up with someone and still be good friends. You can still talk to each other a lot, you can still hang out and do what any pair of friends would do. Maybe he is being honest with you and that while he does care a great deal about you, his feelings are not the romantic, spend our lives together kind?

 

If the relationship just ended, it's likely he is still working out feelings as well, hence the FWB offer. You don't just shut off your feelings for someone, it takes time. But if he stopped once you turned it down, then he's being respectful of your wishes. If he was to start pushing for it again, that would be a different issue and you would be right to stop having contact with him. The time also explains your feelings. Feelings still linger on your side and part of you misses what you had. it's what we all go through with a breakup. But it doesn't sound like he is willing to get back together, so I would not recommend pursuing that. Focus on being a friend and healing yourself. Do things you enjoy and realize you don't need a relationship to be happy.

 

Personally, I don't think no-contact is right for everybody or in every case. If you can remain friends with someone, then be friends. Good friendships with people who really care are hard enough to come by, so I wouldn't turn one down if I had it. But ultimately, this is about you. What do you think you can handle? Would it hurt to much to be friends with him? Would you be too tempted to start things up again? Or can you talk and hang out without it becoming an issue? You have to do what is right for you. And if he does care about you, then he will respect that. And remember, no contact doesn't have to be forever. If you need to take some time away but want to leave the door to friendship open, that's okay as well. Whatever works for you.

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Staying friends with your ex who dumped you right after the break up will keep you stuck in the past and delay your healing. It will take you longer to move on.

 

Dumpers who ask to remain friends do it for purely selfish reasons:

- It relieves their guilt because if you are remaining their friend, then that means to them that they didn't hurt you that bad

- They get to keep the emotional support they had from you, while being free to seek for your replacement i.e. they use the dumpee as a placeholder so that they don't feel lonely while looking for someone else

-If they don't find someone else the dumpee is their plan b and they may get back with them until they do find a replacement.

-They avoid feeling the void created by letting go of the dumpee.

 

All of the above have zero benefit for the dumpee and have actually the potential to hurt the dumpee further. Imo, it's wrong to stay friends right after a break up because it will keep you stuck in false hope, while he will use you as a stepping stone to finding someone else. When he finds a new girlfriend, he will drop you altogether. Right now he is using you to relieve his guilt and avoid loneliness. Plus, he gets to keep pushing a fwb agenda without telling you this time.

 

Just like he decided to break up without it being your decision, you can decide and enforce no contact. Being his friend is emotionally toxic for you at this point. It will keep you stuck in the past. Imo, the only time it's safe to be friends is when you have completely moved on and are completely indifferent. That's years down the line NOT right after the break up. No contact is the fastest way to healing and it's on you to enforce it since he is being so selfish and disrespectful to your need for distance in order to heal.

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If he is seeing someone else then why he intends to stay "close" friends? I didn't offer that tho I was trying to do the no contact but he keeps telling me that we can work out as friends as we used to be,

 

Eh, because this insistence on being "close friends" probably won't last once he starts more seriously dating someone else.

 

He's making it sound appealing now because he's used to your company and likes you as a person, and it isn't painful for him to be just friends with you. He feels bad for hurting you and not feeling the same romantic attachment anymore, so he mistakenly believes that offering friendship is better than just cutting you off altogether. It suits him to be friends. He isn't yet accustomed to not having a constant companion (you) around to be his buddy.

 

However, know that this will likely change when he meets someone else (or gets serious with someone else) and his time and attention drift away from you and towards her.

 

I think that at the end of the day, he's just not feeling the same way toward you anymore and so he's giving a list of other reasons to avoid hurting you more deeply. It's a painful reality to confront, both for dumper and dumpee, so it seems he's avoiding coming out and saying that by focusing on other (yet still relevant) reasons why it won't work. The bottom line, though? Emotionally, his heart and mind aren't there anymore.

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Guys don't get me wrong, I'm not in his side , but he said that he knows that he is gready and selfish for still waiting me in his life, and that he is still physically and emotionally attached but the relationship just won't work out

 

It seems you have all the information you need, then.

 

He only wants friendship. He'd be up for some no-strings sex if you are, but that's it. Otherwise, you two will just be friends.

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Staying friends with your ex who dumped you right after the break up will keep you stuck in the past and delay your healing. It will take you longer to move on.

 

Dumpers who ask to remain friends do it for purely selfish reasons:

- It relieves their guilt because if you are remaining their friend, then that means to them that they didn't hurt you that bad

- They get to keep the emotional support they had from you, while being free to seek for your replacement i.e. they use the dumpee as a placeholder so that they don't feel lonely while looking for someone else

-If they don't find someone else the dumpee is their plan b and they may get back with them until they do find a replacement.

-They avoid feeling the void created by letting go of the dumpee.

 

All of the above have zero benefit for the dumpee and have actually the potential to hurt the dumpee further. Imo, it's wrong to stay friends right after a break up because it will keep you stuck in false hope, while he will use you as a stepping stone to finding someone else. When he finds a new girlfriend, he will drop you altogether. Right now he is using you to relieve his guilt and avoid loneliness. Plus, he gets to keep pushing a fwb agenda without telling you this time.

 

Just like he decided to break up without it being your decision, you can decide and enforce no contact. Being his friend is emotionally toxic for you at this point. It will keep you stuck in the past. Imo, the only time it's safe to be friends is when you have completely moved on and are completely indifferent. That's years down the line NOT right after the break up. No contact is the fastest way to healing and it's on you to enforce it since he is being so selfish and disrespectful to your need for distance in order to heal.

 

Totally agree! Been there, done that.

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Guys don't get me wrong, I'm not in his side , but he said that he knows that he is gready and selfish for still waiting me in his life, and that he is still physically and emotionally attached but the relationship just won't work out

 

Well then, you have your answers within your own words.

Even though he's the one wanting the breakup it still requires a period of detachment for him as well. Again, not to be confused with love.

You two can't detach and heal while still at the same time maintaining a constant onnection. It just doesn't work that way. It's like picking at a scab while it's trying to heal.

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My ex wanted to keep me as a "friend" even though he had a new girlfriend. It had nothing to do with wanting to reconcile.

 

Your ex probably doesn't want you completely out of his life. But what would throw me off is the suggestion to be casual sex partners. Even though he backed off when you said no, the fact that he's detached enough to even suggest it would be very off putting to me.

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I personally would find it insulting that he wants to still be casual sex partners. So you’re not good enough to be his girlfriend and just reduced to sex? No, that wouldn’t fly with me! I think you are best to move forward and not look back. It only works as friends with an ex if you both are completely over each other, have no hidden agendas of getting back together and have healed from your relationship ending with each other. That happens in very few cases though. This guy isn’t being much of a friend in those regards.

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I personally would find it insulting that he wants to still be casual sex partners. So you’re not good enough to be his girlfriend and just reduced to sex? No, that wouldn’t fly with me! I think you are best to move forward and not look back. It only works as friends with an ex if you both are completely over each other, have no hidden agendas of getting back together and have healed from your relationship ending with each other. That happens in very few cases though. This guy isn’t being much of a friend in those regards.
Or demoted from serious girlfriend to friend.

I do believe ex's can be friends, but not until a period of time that has passed and neither party has any interest in reconciliation.

 

That typically happens after months of no or minimal contact to allow each other to detach.

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Or demoted from serious girlfriend to friend.

I do believe ex's can be friends, but not until a period of time that has passed and neither party has any interest in reconciliation.

 

That typically happens after months of no or minimal contact to allow each other to detach.

 

I agree! It’s too risky when you’re not over them to be their friend and it doesn’t do much for healing.

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I'm really confused and don't know should I be working on getting him back or just let him go

 

Never, and I mean never work on getting someone back that let you go in the first place. The moment you stoop to chasing someone is the moment they lose respect for you.

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Guys don't get me wrong, I'm not in his side , but he said that he knows that he is gready and selfish for still waiting me in his life, and that he is still physically and emotionally attached but the relationship just won't work out

 

He sounds like he is being incredibly honest and forthright about his feelings, nothing to misinterpret. He still likes you but doesn't think it's a long term relationship. He wants to be friends and still have you in his life.

 

Don't worry about him or what you think he is feeling/wanting. This is about you. What will help you heal best?

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So guys , I have concedered all your advice, ana few days ago I told him I still have feelings and I can't be your friend know, however he said that he has the same feelings but he just can't let me disappear from his life, so since I was hesitating and not sure about what I really want, I agreed to still be friends for now, I still don't know what should I do , if any of you have experience or been through this I'd be glad to hear the story

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Did he take your call or respond to texts? Be careful not to let it slide back into fwb. He's not really your friend. He is probably with someone else now, so watch your heart and mind.

few days ago I told him I still have feelings and I can't be your friend know, however he said that he has the same feelings but he just can't let me disappear from his life, so since I was hesitating and not sure about what I really want, I agreed to still be friends
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I'm sure he is not he is very honest even if it will hurt me and he would tell me, he is exactly like me have the same feelings and don't want to lose me he is even sexually attracted but just can't accept the relationship cuz as I mentioned he said we want different things and in long team we will end up arrguing and some one will have to give up his dreams and life for the other and love will fade

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Did he take your call or respond to texts? Be careful not to let it slide back into fwb. He's not really your friend. He is probably with someone else now, so watch your heart and mind.

 

Unless I missed something, they were never in fwb. He asked once and dropped the subject when she said she wasn't into it. So there's nothing to slide back into. Although I do agree that she shouldn't allow her feelings to get to the point where she would do it. That would do far too much harm.

 

Mayo, if you're really torn, how about a middle approach? Cut back on the conversations but don't close the door entirely. Find something to occupy your time with and put your energy into. The goal is to not be focused on him or your feelings for him. The more you distract yourself and are happy without him, the easier it is to heal.

 

Not exactly the same scenario, but I did try to not talk to someone who really hurt me once and who I was into. It didn't help me. I couldn't get any resolution with what happened and still had questions of how I would feel if I did talk to her again. What did help was finding something I was passionate about to throwing myself into and having a good friend there for support. And actually being able to talk to her again and hear her being honest about everything that had gone on.

 

That's just me. As always, do what is right for you.

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