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My wife kissed another man


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My wife recently admitted to me about her kissing another man. The guy she kissed they knew each other growing up. They started talking through Facebook and turned into a every day thing checking up on one another. She went out with some friends girls night out. They were at a bar and happened to see him there. Her fiend left and she stuck around and hung out with him. As they were saying good bye he kissed her and she didn’t stop him. She explained it was a quick peck on the lips. The next day she change her number and deactivated her Facebook and never spoke to him again. What should I make of this situation?

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How long have you been married? How long ago was this incident? Is there a reason she wants to make you jealous or suddenly admit to this? Do you think it was more than what she admits to?

My wife recently admitted to me about her kissing another man. The guy she kissed they knew each other growing up. They started talking through Facebook and turned into a every day thing checking up on one another. The next day she change her number and deactivated her Facebook and never spoke to him again. What should I make of this situation?
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Why did she feel the need to tell you this?

 

Basically, either she was very naive and didn't see the problem coming, the idea that she could have stopped him is silly, btw. If he forced himself even slightly, there was nothing she could do about it in that moment. Or she is lying and only telling a partial truth to cover her rear in case anyone saw and tells you about it. Basically, she was actually flirting with the guy and actively invited the situation to happen. How do you read it? You know your wife better than anyone here. Is she loyal type or is she the deceitful and attention hungry type? How is your marriage overall?

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Hmm.. they were talking.. some times to a lot.

She went out with her friends.. but just happened to run into him.

 

She stayed behind with him a while longer.. he kissed her.

 

I feel he was not what she thought he might be- but ended up a disapointment.

But no need to completely deactivated your FB account- odd?

 

IMO, no big deal.. in the end, she told you about it.

 

( I feel the most you can get out of this- is she was maybe low on herself?

She was seeking and curious cause another man was showing some interest?

And.. sounds like some emotional type cheating.)

 

Thank her for telling you about it.. and try not to seem nasty, but ask her if she feels things aren't right between you two- as to why she did this.

If she says she had no real intent on cheating, try to let it all go?

 

Maybe she did not see him as anything more than a 'guy friend' and he crossed the lines.

 

IF she has always been honest with you- I see asking her about it, she will again be honest.

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Before I say anything, this is just my opinion and nothing but that.

How long had you known your wife before you two got married? Do you know if she'd ever been unfaithful before? I ask because I see three basic categories of people. Ones that just do what they want and don't particularly care if they're caught. Ones that would never do anything wrong (and yes, there are varying boundaries in the definition on this, but in this example, let's just keep it to its' simplest term), and then those who won't unless they think no one is watching or they think they can get away with it. Could be that it was just a coincidence that they just happened to be at the same place, at the same time and you don't have anything to worry about. It could be that she got off track of her typical character and had a momentary lapse of judgement and it will never happen again. One thing is for certain, it's really up to her as far as what is going to happen next. You can't make her love you and be faithful to you. Even though she took vows, it's her choice as to whether she's going to stick to them. In what I have observed, people tend to mimic the ones that they are attracted to. Have you noticed any new commentary or behavior in her?

 

I'm sure you two have already shredded this to pieces so I wouldn't ride her tail about it, it will only stress her out and cause friction. I would sit back and take a close observation as to how she handles this. If she decides she wants to remain committed to you, then I think you're good, if she decides she wants to see where her relationship goes, then let her go and move on. It's tough dealing with issues like this but you can't make her be loyal, that is something that comes from our soul.

 

" A woman doesn't need you. She wants you! "

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My wife recently admitted to me about her kissing another man. The guy she kissed they knew each other growing up. They started talking through Facebook and turned into a every day thing checking up on one another. She went out with some friends girls night out. They were at a bar and happened to see him there. Her fiend left and she stuck around and hung out with him. As they were saying good bye he kissed her and she didn’t stop him. She explained it was a quick peck on the lips. The next day she change her number and deactivated her Facebook and never spoke to him again. What should I make of this situation?

 

The bold part would bother me more due to the prolonged contact. It led to the inevitable because the groundwork was already there. It was an open invitation given the familiarity.

 

There's nothing to be done (what's done is done) except to trust each other going forward if you're able to. You have to be the one to make that choice. If you feel she's insincere or has a previous history of trying to look for distractions outside the marriage or finds it hard to say 'no' in general maybe it's either time to accept this as part of who she is or make a decision on whether you both can grow together as a couple and change a few things.

 

Are you open to seeing it as 'what should we make of this situation'? It involves the both of you so both of you have to address this in the context of your relationship, your marriage.

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The fact that they have been talking daily and that she just "happened to run into him", really would put a lot of doubt into a persons mind as to how forthcoming she is being.

 

Being involved with him at all, to the degree that she was, is already a form of cheating as she was getting emotionally involved with him.

 

I honestly don't think the meeting was a fluke, it would make sense that she let him know where she would be and he showed up.

 

What to do now? It depends on if you trust that she's going to be 100% transparent and honest now. It also depends on how serious she is about getting your marriage back on track.

(because if she was getting close to another man, something in your marriage was/is off).

 

She can tell you she is going to be honest and stay away from him, but do you believe her? Can you forgive her for cheating?

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She stepped out, but didn't see it as that until it got out of control. She came to her senses, and came forward with what happened.

 

I can't tell you whether she is fully truthful, or she's trying her best not to hurt you. It's what you do from here counts, like reassessing your relationship with your wife....are you two spending quality time together, has there been money stresses, etc. maybe there are things you two haven't really noticed about your marriage lately....like growing apart, stuck in routine. make some discoveries with each other, figure out how she got to that point of cheating, and work on it. Maybe some counseling is needed but that will be up to you two.

Communication is key so start talking to each other more often about feelings, etc...rebuild that connection.

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I think more than a kiss happened, hence the sudden FB deletion & her admitting to you that she talked to him & she just "happened to run into him"

She is covering her bases in case he turns up & starts telling some home truths.

 

I agree. Liars tell a partial truth to make their consciences feel better, but leave out the details that they know could mean the point of no return in their existing relationships. No way did your wife "just happen" to run into that guy on her night out. It was pre-planned and something happened that she now feels guilty about. Either that, or the guy threatened to tell you what was going on behind your back, she panicked and told you just enough to make you believe her, in case he comes along and tells you something different.

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She is the loyal type never would’ve imagined anything like this ever happening in our marriage. She’s a very guilty person. If she wronged someone she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she didn’t tell the truth. I did end up seeing the guy through youth football and he confirmed the story word for word. He said she never said anything in their conversations that was sexual in any way. I just think the guy was way too comfortable to think it’s ok to kiss her.

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But surely they did not discuss this story beforehand?. It's up to you to decide what you want to do with this information and decide why she decided to reveal this at this time. Perhaps she was fearful that he would encounter you and tell you a different version?

He said she never said anything in their conversations that was sexual in any way.
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She is the loyal type never would’ve imagined anything like this ever happening in our marriage. She’s a very guilty person. If she wronged someone she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she didn’t tell the truth. I did end up seeing the guy through youth football and he confirmed the story word for word. He said she never said anything in their conversations that was sexual in any way. I just think the guy was way too comfortable to think it’s ok to kiss her.

 

Sounds like she thought they were just pals and he pushed the envelope. She reacted quite appropriately by booting him out completely from her life and any contact. Going by her reaction, sounds to me like it's not just guilt but rather that she was offended and taken aback in her own right by his behavior and didn't find it acceptable, thus the block delete, etc.

 

Generally speaking, those who actively seek to cheat are deceitful people by nature and will not tell you or admit to cheating unless cornered. Also, they won't rush to block and delete their cheating partner unless again cornered, you demand it, etc. She'd carry on with him and claim that he is just a friend and that you are controlling and crazy to think anything is off. Not the situation here.

 

If I were you, I'd let this go and file it under sht happens sometimes. So long as it doesn't keep happening regularly, doesn't sound like you have much to worry about.

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If you want to stay in the marriage, it's now time to discuss this wake-up call, and address the relationship boundaries in your marriage--what the rules are for communicating with the opposite sex, i.e. not hanging with them, not giving them phone numbers, not Facebook friending when one or both share chemistry or have a past romance, etc. Be clear about those rules and make sure you both agree on them.

 

And the only other control you have is to reestablish an emotional connection. Get the sparks back into your relationship. Read articles on fresh ways to do this. And then the only thing you can do is have a wait and see attitude. If she truly loves you, she will have seen the mistake could've ended up in divorce. If she doesn't want to lose you, she won't play with fire ever again. Time will tell.

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Agree. She either exaggerated to "shake things up" and get your attention OR she wants (or has) cheated and is covering tracks.

 

Either way marriage therapy may help you restart better communication. Do Not Police her or her friends, who she talks to, her social media, etc. That would be the final nail in the coffin.

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I can tell you that you did not get the 100% truth from either of them.

 

She hasn't seen this guy in a long time and then they start chatting on FB and then just happen to run into him while she was having a girls night out? Total BS

 

He knew she would be there because she told him she would be there. Ask to see all their FB messages, just because she deactivated her account doesn't mean they are gone. If she wants you to trust her again completely then she should offer up her phone and any emails or messages.

 

Cheaters often sprinkle a little truth into their lies just in case some one sees them or lets the cat out of the bag. Keep that in mind.

 

This guy knew what he was doing and wanted to bang your wife you and I both know that for a fact. No need in going any further down that road because you are not married to him.

 

The thing you need to consider is what was your wife's intentions.

 

Was she simply naïve and told a lie that she knew he would be there? Or

 

Did more happen than she it telling and she was afraid someone may have seen the kiss so she came clean and now they are going to more careful and meet on the down low?

 

I know you want to think the best of your wife and would never imagine she would do anything like this but there are hundreds of posts on this forum of spouses that thought the same thing and were devastated to learn the real truth.

 

I hope this is as innocent as she says and you both can get past this but the only way is for her to be totally forthcoming with everything.

 

A few things to watch for:

 

She is or has been secretive with her phone

She gets defensive when you talk about this and brings up things about you she is mad about or doesn't like. (Blame shifting)

She changes the way she dresses.

She losses weight.

She buys new sexier underwear.

She changes her social behaviors. (Girls nights out all of a sudden, meets coworkers for a drink after work, has new friends you have never met)

 

Like I said I hope this is nothing more than what she said but don't be blinded by your love for her and keep your eyes and ears open just in case until you are sure this was nothing.

 

Lost

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My wife recently admitted to me about her kissing another man. The guy she kissed they knew each other growing up. They started talking through Facebook and turned into a every day thing checking up on one another. She went out with some friends girls night out. They were at a bar and happened to see him there. Her fiend left and she stuck around and hung out with him. As they were saying good bye he kissed her and she didn’t stop him. She explained it was a quick peck on the lips. The next day she change her number and deactivated her Facebook and never spoke to him again. What should I make of this situation?

 

No offence meant, but from what you've posted, it seems like your wife isn't being satisfied with her relationship with you, and is seeking thrills somewhere else. She may not want to have an affair with the guy, I wouldn't know, but she did engage in daily chats with him and then didn't stop him when he kissed her. It sounds to me like she liked the thrill, even if she felt guilty afterwards. How confident are you about your relationship with her?

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She connected with an old friend. They hit it off and enjoyed talking to each other. He took things to far, she felt bad and immediately ended things. While there could be more to the story, it seems like she just didn't realize what was going on until that kiss and then made the right call. She told you because she wants to be honest and not have to pretend or be awkward about things. That is, by your admission, her personality. Maybe she didn't stop the kiss because she was too surprised by the moment and froze?

 

The question is, how do you feel about? Do you trust her and are fine to let it go? Are you struggling to understand why or how it happened? Do you have any reason to not believe her? First, look in yourself and be honest with how you feel about it. Then, if you need to, really talk with her about it. Relationships are about open, honest communication. If you are still having problems with this, talk to her.

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I’m very confident in our relationship. My wife is a trusting person. I really think she woke up that day to see that everyone don’t have your best interest at heart. She also a person who can’t hold things in if she’s wronged you in anyway. We have discussed it there are now new boundaries in place. And she now understands that there’s no room for anything remotely close to that. I am no saint I have done my share of hurtful things to her as well. Just never allowed my self to be in her situation. I also understand things could’ve been a whole lot worse and if she wanted more than a friendship from that guy she could have. Thanks for all the advice. I’m just going to move on with my marriage. We have 11 years invested and 3 boys. It’s too much to give up on.

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This wasn't something to end a marriage over unless she wasn't totally truthful with you.

 

Trust is so hard to rebuild after it has been broken but if you both are willing to work through this and not just say "Well she made some bad choices and didn't have a clue he had other intentions" then this could be the kind of thing that makes your marriage stronger.

 

Of course you cannot be her keeper or tell her who she can be friends with but you both can agree that if an old friend of the opposite sex from your pasts pops back into one of your lives they should be invited to your house to meet you both at the same time.

 

Keep your eyes and ears open just in case...

 

Best wishes

 

Lost

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