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My husband refuses to adopt my son from a pervious relationship


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I never ask or put any pressure to adopt my child. He bring it up in conversation. Then when I mention it, he react odd so I stopped discussing it.

 

I think you are doing right by stop discussing it, let your husband take the lead, if he wants-he will do it. In my view you are already blessed with a supportive husband.

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I'm sorry that the birth father treated both you and your son this way, you both deserved better.

 

I can understand wanting to be a family completely. You're not wrong in feeling that way. However, it doesn't mean he cares less, or that it matters less to him if he is not ready to legally adopt right now.

That doesn't mean he will always feel this way.

 

As time passes things could change and he will want to adopt. But for now, he's not entirely ready, and it's okay. He is still a father to your son, he is still a good husband by the sounds of it and he is doing his best for both of you.

 

You are lucky to have one another and it sounds like there's a lot of love there. Let this issue rest. Your son sees him as his father and he is raising him as his own son.

That's all that matters right now.

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Anna, use the Reply With Quote button so others can catch up a little easier with your replies if possible. I agree with East4. Good for you for letting it rest. You seem happy in the marriage aside from this one thing. If it continues to bother you you can bring it up again at a later time or make a suggestion.

 

Early congratulations to you on being so close to graduating from nursing school.

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One, i have never demand him to adopt my child. We only talk about it in conversation. Two, i have tried to locate the father via the court system without a lawyer and was unsuccessful

 

How does your Husband adopting your Son "just come up in conversation"? This is hardly an everyday subject to discuss

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Even if the father is not present at birth to sign the certificate, you can still give his name and he will be putative father. That man could get his name removed IF a DNA test verifies he is not the father and the mother just falsely named him. But that doesn't seem to be the case here. You owe it to your child to have his biological father named.

 

Your husband CANNOT -- absolutely cannot adopt your son because the biological father's rights were never terminated. If a child is allowed to be adopted by a stepparent just because the biological parent is not around and is alive, the father could come back around later and dispute the adoption

 

I would drop it. But i also would ask you to figure out what your priorities are. If you really want another child, then you are going to have to respect your husband wanting to be more stable before he agrees to try to have a baby. But on the other hand, that is the pitfall of not only marrying a younger man but not meeting a man upfront that was gungho on having a kid.

 

 

Your husband loves your son no less by not adopting him. He may decide later that he wants to, but it has to come from him.

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You need to get a lawyer involved now, OP, in order to get what your child deserves from his father.

 

As for your husband - well, you two have a lot to discuss. Now is evidently not the time for it if he keeps shutting down that conversation. How has your marriage been in general, this issue notwithstanding?

 

In the meantime, do what you need to do in order to hold your child's birth father responsible. And if that means hiring a lawyer, then do so.

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Sorry to hear that. While tracking down a deadbeat dad is not easy task, don't give up. You do not need expensive lawyers.

 

More importantly reflect on your marriage and conversations about delaying having any more kids. Does your husband want kids? Do you want any more kids?

 

That would be the best conversation to have right now. Your husband has stepped up with your son. Don't try to punish him for the sins of your son's biological father

He abandoned me before I had my child so he wasn’t there to sign the birth certificate
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What county is that? In the US, you need to prove paternity.

Where we are, even if the child is not the birth father, your husband has been raising him, and, if you were to split, he'd still need to pay child support. But I think him not wanting to adopt is fine. I don't think it's not from loving your son. He may want to leave room for his biological father one day. Regardless of the reason, I advise you to respect his decision.
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OP. I endorse Ms. Canuck's advice above.

 

 

"do what you need to do in order to hold your child's birth father responsible. And if that means hiring a lawyer, then do so."

 

You remarked earlier :

 

"..unfortunately i would have to get a lawyer involved"

 

Why "unfortunately" OP?

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It's not necessary and in the US it is prohibitively expensive. She only needs to make more of an effort to locate him (rather than pester her husband about adoption) and when as she has enough info, go to the courts. This is a job for law enforcement (in the US failure to pay child support is a misdemeanor crime, not a personal tort) so private lawyers is a waste of time and money.

Why "unfortunately" OP?

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Most here have clearly never dealt with the child support system. My xH lived 2 miles away and wasn't even hiding and the child support agency couldn't be bothered to even track him that far. Unless you are on public assistance in which case the state has a vested interest in getting you off that, but if you are not on public assistance then you can whistle for it. They won't even take your calls. Now, if the OP has some sort of burning desire to give the deadbeat dad partial custody--in the unlikely event that he is even found or the child support agency cares enough to make an effort to locate him, and an employer can actually be identified (much, much harder than it sounds)--then go ahead. But if this guy is in hiding there is a bigger chance of monkeys flying out of my butt than there is the OP collecting one dime of child support. If his name isn't on the birth certificate, then what, he's just going to magically come forward and submit to a paternity test? LOL come on now.

 

Sounds like she picks her men more carefully these days. Just be grateful for that and continue on.

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True. She has the odds stacked against her. And...she can graciously accept the fathering role of her husband without this much ado or drama. It's also nonsense to hire expensive attorneys for some wild goose chase.

 

However they need to talk about whether either of them want kids. She states she's a certain age but her husband wants to delay having family. It seems this is the root of all this.

If his name isn't on the birth certificate, then what, he's just going to magically come forward and submit to a paternity test?

Sounds like she picks her men more carefully these days. Just be grateful for that and continue on.

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Hey Wise.

 

"in the US it is prohibitively expensive. " (lawyers).

 

I can assure you it is very expensive everywhere.

 

You did say at the outset here:

 

"You need to track down the birth father for child support. You also need to talk to an attorney. "

 

And now:

 

"It's also nonsense to hire expensive attorneys for some wild goose chase."

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For adoption. Adoption in the US is a long drawn out expensive legal issue, not a criminal matter. However, she should simply accept her husband in a fathering role and try to locate the bio dad if she feels it's worthwhile.

You also need to talk to an attorney. "[/i]
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I see. I am in agreement that OP is fortunate to have a supportive husband who loves her child. But it does rankle that the "dad" who flitted cannot be held responsible. And as the OP herself pointed out earlier, we don't know the entire story.

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Don't force the issue. Either he'll come around one day by deciding to adopt your son or it's his decision not to adopt him. It's his choice, NOT yours. Your husband is the one who needs to want to adopt your son by his own will; not by force whatsoever.

 

In the meantime, remain grateful that your husband is providing for your son, a male role model, a father figure to him and cares for him. Be grateful for what you have for your son instead of expecting more from your husband. I hope your husband decides to adopt your son someday, however, count your blessings and be thankful that your husband is in the picture helping you raise your son.

 

Don't pester nor hound your husband about adopting your son otherwise you'll push him away and there's no telling where that could go especially upon his masters program graduation. Tread lightly.

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