My boyfriend is bisexual?

[arw95]

Recently I found out that my boyfriend has hooked up with men (well at least 1).

 

Not proud of this, but I went through my boyfriends facebook messages and found messages to a guy back when he was in high school saying he was single and talking about hooking up. We are in our mid-twenties, and there has been nothing since that I saw. I am so disturbed mostly because he has been hiding this from me. I do feel like he is attracted to me and we have a good sex life, but I can't shake this conversation I read. I am ashamed of violating his privacy so I would like to just put this behind me and not bring it up, but we are very serious, live together, and talk about spending our lives together so I feel like I need clarity. My biggest fear is that he is gay and not bisexual, and it will be revealed later in life when we have a family together.

 

Some back ground info... many people have assumed my boyfriend is gay. I'm not sure exactly why. He is very personable and has many female friends. He has dated different girls throughout high school/ college/ and adult life and we have since been together about 2 years. Recently he drunkenly kissed his 2 best friends and I asked him if he was bisexual- he said no. So my question is, do I bring this up to him? I feel hurt that he has hidden this from me. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks

[Wiseman2]

So what you know is he's cheating on you. You need to end it, he's cheating, lying and putting you at risk. "Cheater/liar" is the most important characterization you need to know here.

 

You need to get tested for STDs, you are at an increased risk if you are with someone who engages in men who have sex with men (collectively referred to as MSM) https://www.cdc.gov/std/stats17/msm.htm

Recently I found out that my boyfriend has hooked up with men

I am so disturbed mostly because he has been hiding this from me.

[bluecastle]

Were the two friends he drunkenly kissed men? Was he forthcoming about that? Was it his kissing them that led you to snoop through his Facebook history going back to adolescence? Just curious to understand the context here.

 

I understand you're asking for advice about how to bring this up with him, but I think you might want to take a moment to focus on the information you already have. You know that your boyfriend has been unfaithful. You also know that your boyfriend has at least some sexual history with men, and that he has not felt like that history is relevant to you. You know that when you asked if he was bisexual he said no. Finally, you know that you are in a relationship that triggered in you enough insecurity to search through his social media accounts.

 

Given all that, I'm not quite sure what you'd get from him admitting that he's bisexual, or gay, or not quite sure about where he stands on the sexual spectrum. Does all that sound like something you want to support someone in working through? Do you see understanding that—which is to say understanding something he does not yet understand—as a way to get closer, more secure?

 

I can only imagine how hard this is. I have a lot of empathy for anyone struggling to live their truth, and can imagine some of the empathy in you, along with your history together, makes this confusing. But you do know your own truth, and I think you may already have enough information to know if he is someone who can compliment that, sincerely.

[LikeWater]

Wait, I'm not sure the guy cheated. Can you clarify whether or not he hooked up with a guy while you two were together?

 

I feel like if he cheated the OP would be more about that.

[Clio]

It sounds like he lied about being bisexual, or he is in denial at best. Plus, he kissed people who were not you. Being drunk is no excuse imo. Imo, you need to decide whether you are ok with someone who cheats (disclaimer: my personal definition of cheating includes kissing others) and is confused about his sexuality (at best). It comes down to your dealbreakers.

 

Personally, bisexuality is a deal breaker for me because I would be unwilling to risk any chance of them deciding that they are gay later in life. For the people who are willing to risk it, more power to them. But I don't think anyone can guarantee you it won't happen because there is no way to tell whether it's the truth they are telling or denial on their part. Imo, you need to decide whether cheating and bisexuality are deal breakers for you. If they are, there is nothing to negotiate.

[DancingFool]

All I'm going to say is that character, values, honesty, monogamy have nothing to do with sexuality. You can be of any sexual orientation and be 100% loyal to your chosen partner and monogamous or totally not and seek out an open relationship. Being honest with yourself and your partner about who you are is really what it all comes down to.

 

He lied to you about who he is and got you into a relationship with him on a false basis. Now you have a difficult decision to make - is this acceptable to you, the lying by omission about something major like that and the cheating part. Yes, I'd consider what he did cheating as well. Nobody can really decide for you what is and isn't acceptable to you.

[Wiseman2]

A relationship is not about being PC about sexuality and therefore accepting cheating because you are guilt tripped into thinking that 'exploring" is not cheating. Move out, ask him to move out. Right now you are in shock from being betrayed on so many levels.

Recently I found out that my boyfriend has hooked up with men. we are very serious, live together, and talk about spending our lives together so I feel like I need clarity.

[Batya33]

It sounds like he lied about being bisexual, or he is in denial at best. Plus, he kissed people who were not you. Being drunk is no excuse imo. Imo, you need to decide whether you are ok with someone who cheats (disclaimer: my personal definition of cheating includes kissing others) and is confused about his sexuality (at best). It comes down to your dealbreakers.

 

Personally, bisexuality is a deal breaker for me because I would be unwilling to risk any chance of them deciding that they are gay later in life. For the people who are willing to risk it, more power to them. But I don't think anyone can guarantee you it won't happen because there is no way to tell whether it's the truth they are telling or denial on their part. Imo, you need to decide whether cheating and bisexuality are deal breakers for you. If they are, there is nothing to negotiate.

 

Same. I dated someone very seriously in my 20s who absolutely was faithful to me, he was my first, we had awesome chemistry, no one ever thought he was gay and I don't think he knew or at least he was so conflicted. Shortly after we broke up - he proposed and I declined - not because I thought he was gay - because I felt he was cold/distant and my over the moon feelings for him weren't going to cut it long term - he started dating men. He met his husband 5 years after we broke up. He told me he was gay 10 years after we broke up -he was in minimal contact with me -our mutual choice -but when I visited his new city he wanted to meet for coffee, I guess to finally tell me. He told our mutual friend that had we married he likely would have led a double life. I think back then he so wanted to be normal and he did love and care for me and wanted to marry me but in part to try to lead a normal life.

 

He is happily married for 12 years now, together for over 20, as far as I know faithful to each other. His husband seems like an awesome person. I am so happy for him. I am so relieved I didn't marry him, and I am not mad at him and I think he truly was in denial/conflicted. Please -if you do know this - don't marry him or be with him unless you also are bisexual or gay or unless you two decide on some sort of marriage of convenience (which is not my business as far as whether that's a good idea but then you two would be honest with each other). He doesn't value fidelity. This has nothing at all to do with sexual orientation. My ex stayed faithful to me to the absolute best of my knowledge and he seems faithful to his husband and all this despite going through such turmoil -and he had a drinking issue back then too I bet because he was so conflicted - so please heed my warning. Walk away now. He is confused about his sexual orientation and he cheated on you. He chose to get drunk and chose the consequences. Don't waste your youth on him.

[ShySoul]

i'm reading this as he hooked up with a guy in high school, not that he's doing this now. The drunk kisses, while not right and something I hope he feels sorry for and has apologized about, could have been a one time error and not a sign that he's having affairs.

 

Can you live with this uncertainty? If not, you have to bring it up. Otherwise, it will tear you up inside and you will have trouble trusting him. Yes, you shouldn't have been going through his old facebook messages. But hiding it from him is doing the same thing you are upset with him about, keeping things from each other. He may be bisexual and not comfortable with it. He may have been questioning and experimented in the past, but decided he prefers women. Only way to know is to talk it over with him. If the two of you are going to have a good relationship, you both need to be honest with each other and with yourself. If he is bisexual, would you still be okay to be in a relationship with him? And he needs to be clean about his past and what his orientation is. You owe it to each other to be open and honest. You need to communicate and figure out where you both stand and what you can handle.

[Tinydance]

Well I think first and foremost, your boyfriend kissed other people. I think you should actually be focusing on that. It doesn't matter if your boyfriend is bisexual. If he's meant to be in a serious monogamous relationship with you, then

It's cheating if he's kissing other people. He doesn't have a free pass to do whatever he wants just because he's "bisexual". How do you feel about him kissing his friends?

 

I would like to offer some perspective from myself because I'm actually bisexual. I've basically been bisexual my whole life, since I was 14 years old (I'm 35). Firstly, I think not every single person who has experimented with another gender is actually gay or bisexual. Sometimes people just get curious and want to try it out. If your boyfriend hasn't actually had interest in guys since high school then he might not even be bisexual. Maybe he was just a horse teenager and he wanted to give it a go lol

 

Secondly, being bisexual doesn't automatically mean you're actually gay. I am genuinely bisexual, I'm not gay. I have never been gay nor will be gay (probably lol). I actually truly like both males and females equally. If I'm in a relationship with a particular gender then I'm with them because I love that person. I don't need to be with another gender as well just because I'm bisexual. I'm happy to commit myself to whoever I'm with. So what I'm trying to say is don't just make such big assumptions based on a few messages you found from a really long time ago. Your boyfriend may not even be bisexual, or if he is then it doesn't mean he wants to dump you for guys.

 

I think it's wrong you snooped in his Facebook messages. It's a violation of his privacy and trust. But I know you know that. If you really can't let it go though then maybe you need to just flat out ask your boyfriend about the whole bisexual thing. My guess is maybe he's not really bisexual per se and that's why he never told you about it. Although only he would know the reason why, so the best thing to do is just ask him.

[SherrySher]

I don't really feel that the bisexuality is the issue here, it's the fact that he is wanting to be sexual with someone other than you.

That's cheating.

 

He has already expressed wanting to do this with someone and let them know. Why would you want to continue dating a cheater or someone that is behaving this way behind your back?

[SherrySher]

All I'm going to say is that character, values, honesty, monogamy have nothing to do with sexuality. You can be of any sexual orientation and be 100% loyal to your chosen partner and monogamous or totally not and seek out an open relationship. Being honest with yourself and your partner about who you are is really what it all comes down to.

 

He lied to you about who he is and got you into a relationship with him on a false basis. Now you have a difficult decision to make - is this acceptable to you, the lying by omission about something major like that and the cheating part. Yes, I'd consider what he did cheating as well. Nobody can really decide for you what is and isn't acceptable to you.

 

Yes, exactly.

[SooSad33]

I think if he was gay, he would not be with you....

 

As for him be bi.. that's fine. I have a friend who is the same- but she is now with a man & they have a child.

 

While drunk.. what kind of 'kiss', was it? small peck on the cheek- nothing really, IMO.

 

I feel, no real harm done, IF he has been clearly only involved with YOU.

 

Fine, if he's known to be bi, and he's done so in the past- as long as he is with only you, right?

 

We all have a past.

[Tinydance]

It sounds like he lied about being bisexual, or he is in denial at best. Plus, he kissed people who were not you. Being drunk is no excuse imo. Imo, you need to decide whether you are ok with someone who cheats (disclaimer: my personal definition of cheating includes kissing others) and is confused about his sexuality (at best). It comes down to your dealbreakers.

 

Personally, bisexuality is a deal breaker for me because I would be unwilling to risk any chance of them deciding that they are gay later in life. For the people who are willing to risk it, more power to them. But I don't think anyone can guarantee you it won't happen because there is no way to tell whether it's the truth they are telling or denial on their part. Imo, you need to decide whether cheating and bisexuality are deal breakers for you. If they are, there is nothing to negotiate.

 

It's very unfortunate that biphobia still exists. I often experienced it in my life. I remember I was seeing this lesbian girl and she said to me "How can you be bisexual? It's not a thing. You can only be gay or straight." It's up to every individual how they feel about bisexual people but one thing I'd like to make clear is that it's a REAL sexuality. It doesn't automatically mean you are gay. Sorry but just to make a pure assumption that someone might become gay in future is in my opinion close minded and judgemental. Again it's your choice but from myself and knowing my friends, being bisexual is a lifelong sexuality. It's also true though that sexuality can be on a spectrum. Some people are bisexual, but they might be more into one gender than another. I don't think every straight person is necessarily 100% straight or gay person 100% gay. Some straight people have kissed or had sex with the same gender, whether it be for experimentation or they just liked that particular person. It's true that sexuality can be fluid. I think it's important to communicate with someone you're dating and see where they stand regarding their sexuality. I think in Western countries if someone is with a bisexual person, the chance that they're actually gay is pretty slim. If it's acceptable in their society to be gay then why wouldn't they just be gay? Keep in mind it's not enjoyable to be sexually intimate with a certain gender if you're not even atrracted to that gender. So chances are they are not gay.

Edited October 6, 2020 by Tinydance

[Tinydance]

Same. I dated someone very seriously in my 20s who absolutely was faithful to me, he was my first, we had awesome chemistry, no one ever thought he was gay and I don't think he knew or at least he was so conflicted. Shortly after we broke up - he proposed and I declined - not because I thought he was gay - because I felt he was cold/distant and my over the moon feelings for him weren't going to cut it long term - he started dating men. He met his husband 5 years after we broke up. He told me he was gay 10 years after we broke up -he was in minimal contact with me -our mutual choice -but when I visited his new city he wanted to meet for coffee, I guess to finally tell me. He told our mutual friend that had we married he likely would have led a double life. I think back then he so wanted to be normal and he did love and care for me and wanted to marry me but in part to try to lead a normal life.

 

He is happily married for 12 years now, together for over 20, as far as I know faithful to each other. His husband seems like an awesome person. I am so happy for him. I am so relieved I didn't marry him, and I am not mad at him and I think he truly was in denial/conflicted. Please -if you do know this - don't marry him or be with him unless you also are bisexual or gay or unless you two decide on some sort of marriage of convenience (which is not my business as far as whether that's a good idea but then you two would be honest with each other). He doesn't value fidelity. This has nothing at all to do with sexual orientation. My ex stayed faithful to me to the absolute best of my knowledge and he seems faithful to his husband and all this despite going through such turmoil -and he had a drinking issue back then too I bet because he was so conflicted - so please heed my warning. Walk away now. He is confused about his sexual orientation and he cheated on you. He chose to get drunk and chose the consequences. Don't waste your youth on him.

 

The cheating is the issue, not being bisexual. It is offensive to me as a bisexual person to hear people saying that being bisexual is likely to lead ti cheating. Cheating means the person is a cheater. They coulf be gay, straight, bi, anything. How do you think bisexual people have relationships? Do you think every bisexual just cheats because they think they're allowed to? A lot of bisexual people are in a monogamous relationship or marriage and they never cheated. Being bisexual can mean you are equally into both genders and you want to commit to whatever the gender of your partner. Exactly the same as a straight person. Don't just assume things because unless you're bisexual yourself or know bisexual people well, then these opinions are just assumptions. If a man is with a woman, then becomes gay, he was probably gay, NOT bisexual. The gay man was probably just using the woman as a cover. You need to look at it case by case and not just ignorant generalisations: "Every bisexual person will cheat or become gay". Bisexuality is a real sexuality and as a bisexual person I long to be accepted for that sexuality and to be trusted (unless I prove not trustworthy).

[abitbroken]

Not proud of this, but I went through my boyfriends facebook messages and found messages to a guy back when he was in high school saying he was single and talking about hooking up. We are in our mid-twenties, and there has been nothing since that I saw. I am so disturbed mostly because he has been hiding this from me. I do feel like he is attracted to me and we have a good sex life, but I can't shake this conversation I read. I am ashamed of violating his privac

 

wait a minute here.

 

Did he sleep with a guy recently, or did you just find a Facebook message from HIGH SCHOOL in his Facebook account and that is the only thing you are talking about.

 

 

I am not lying - my dad says to his male buddies "well let's all hookup over dinner" or "the next time we hookup" or "lets hookup after everyone gets back from vacation" and it does NOT MEAN SEX - it means "connect" as in "having a meeting."

 

Anyway -- is all you have to go on the FB message from high schooL???

[Tinydance]

Not proud of this, but I went through my boyfriends facebook messages and found messages to a guy back when he was in high school saying he was single and talking about hooking up. We are in our mid-twenties, and there has been nothing since that I saw. I am so disturbed mostly because he has been hiding this from me. I do feel like he is attracted to me and we have a good sex life, but I can't shake this conversation I read. I am ashamed of violating his privac

 

wait a minute here.

 

Did he sleep with a guy recently, or did you just find a Facebook message from HIGH SCHOOL in his Facebook account and that is the only thing you are talking about.

 

 

I am not lying - my dad says to his male buddies "well let's all hookup over dinner" or "the next time we hookup" or "lets hookup after everyone gets back from vacation" and it does NOT MEAN SEX - it means "connect" as in "having a meeting."

 

Anyway -- is all you have to go on the FB message from high schooL???

 

I think the main thing to know is, are the friends he kissed male? Then you may have something to worry about. The main thing being that your boyfriend is unfaithful to you and can't be trusted. I have actually known even straight men who had sex with a guy just to experiment or because they were horny. Especially young people at parties who are drunk, high, whatever. Some straight people are actually straight but they're also chilled and don't find kissing or fooling around with the same sex gross. Like if they're at a party, playing spin the bottle, they would kiss people of the same gender. Honestly seeing sime vague messages from high school doesn't really tell you anything. Being a young person is also an experimental time for a lot of people and just trying things out.

[ShySoul]

 

I would listen to the actual bisexual in this conversation, she makes several valid points. Really, he is the only one who can clear up any confusion regarding his sexuality. So you need to work it out with him. Assuming he is not cheating, he chose to be in a relationship with you, so he does of some feelings for you. If he's bisexual or not, part of him does care about you.

[Rose Mosse]

Recently I found out that my boyfriend has hooked up with men (well at least 1).

 

Not proud of this, but I went through my boyfriends facebook messages and found messages to a guy back when he was in high school saying he was single and talking about hooking up. We are in our mid-twenties, and there has been nothing since that I saw. I am so disturbed mostly because he has been hiding this from me. I do feel like he is attracted to me and we have a good sex life, but I can't shake this conversation I read. I am ashamed of violating his privacy so I would like to just put this behind me and not bring it up, but we are very serious, live together, and talk about spending our lives together so I feel like I need clarity. My biggest fear is that he is gay and not bisexual, and it will be revealed later in life when we have a family together.

 

Some back ground info... many people have assumed my boyfriend is gay. I'm not sure exactly why. He is very personable and has many female friends. He has dated different girls throughout high school/ college/ and adult life and we have since been together about 2 years. Recently he drunkenly kissed his 2 best friends and I asked him if he was bisexual- he said no. So my question is, do I bring this up to him? I feel hurt that he has hidden this from me. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks

 

Is this the reason (bisexual/gay) why you were looking through his facebook messages? Or were you looking at the messages for other reasons - and what were they?

 

The relationship has crossed one too many lines. You're paranoid about this issue and it's not going to go away if anyone tells you (even your bf) that he's not gay or bisexual. What I'm suggesting is that you're already bothered by this so badly and it's caused serious doubt for you. I'm more focused on your doubt and reasons for looking up those messages because that sort of fear isn't going to miraculously disappear even if you do confront him. He could have various other non-sexually related identities or alter egos and the same question is there on whether you doubt what he is.

 

Why would you want to be with someone who causes so much doubt in you?

[Clio]

Sorry but just to make a pure assumption that someone might become gay in future is in my opinion close minded and judgemental.

 

Imo, it is not "pure assumption", it is a possibility. I feel that the use of the term bisexual is confounding what I was trying to convey. There are people who feel set in their sexuality such as you and me and there are people who are not. In addition, there ARE people who have NEVER felt any need to question their sexuality. I happen to be one. I don't see a way in differentiating reliably between the bisexuals who are set in their sexuality and the people who are gay but are in transition/not ready to admit it to their own self, let alone to another person. It is my perception that experimenting with the same sex can indeed be nothing in the long-term or it can indicate that this person is fluid/not set in their sexuality whatever that might be. If not being willing to stick around in order to find out which is which by trial and error is judged as close minded and judgemental so be it.

 

I feel straight, no ifs and buts, and it has been the same my whole life. I would like a partner who has had the same life experience. I feel that it's less complicated. At the end of the day, it is my preference just as I happen to be attracted to people with certain characteristics but not others. That's how I view it. There are men who would not date me because I am too old/too fat/too short/whatever. And that's ok by me.

[smackie9]

Based on what you have discovered about him hooking up with a guy, and the oops I kissed someone else...a guy! and he bold face lied and said NO I'm not bi-sexual blah blah blah....I wouldn't waste anymore time with this and call it all off. There is nothing more to discuss.

 

true story...my dad told me about the men hooking up in the department store bathroom where he worked, and the police busting them...these men were married, freaking out what their wife would say. It's very common for men to go to a park bathroom or bush, under an overpass meeting a stranger to have sex....so don't kid yourself, there has been some activity since high school.