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My marriage is a joke


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I’ve been with my wife for about 6 years. We have a beautiful daughter that is a year old. She is the light of my life, and my real reason for getting up everyday.

 

My marriage has gone so downhill in the past year. It’s not even a marriage, it’s a joke. We fight and bicker everyday about the dumbest things. We’ve had a lot of money issues lately which doesn’t help. We’ve had sex one time in the past year, and any time I’ve initiated anything she’s rejected it.

 

The worst part is the abuse that I’ve endured. This wasn’t a thing until this past year. If things go south and we argue she hits me. She’s punched me, grabbed me violently, left bruising, slapped me, and kicked me. She calls me names and belittles me.

 

I constantly think of going out and finding someone else. I just want someone to love me and to hold me, and to have some intimacy with a woman. I use porn as a way to have a release.

 

I want my daughter to have a life with 2 parents there. My wife is a terrible spouse currently, but she’s a great mother to my daughter. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if the stress of having a baby has ruined us or what is going on.

 

Please offer me your advice or experiences on how to fix this, or what you think I should do. I’m so lost.

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Have you sought professional help/couple' s therapy? Physical and mental abuse are unacceptable. What you describe doesn't sound like something you can fix on your own (if at all). Imo, you need to seek professional help/ counseling. I realise that you don't want to break up your family but growing up in such a toxic environment is bad for your daughter. Cheating is not the answers though. If you really love your daughter think long and hard what kind of example you want to set for her.

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Abuse should NEVER be tolerated. What is your daughter going to learn from abuse , violence and arguing? She will learn that that’s what romantic love looks like. And that it’s OK for people to do these things. Please, call the police and you need to talk to a lawyer pronto.

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Everything was fine until your daughter was born according to you.

 

Post natal depression ? Have you talked to her? Like properly talked? Asked how she is feeling?

Are you an active father? Has your wife returned to work?

 

I’ve tried to get her to speak to somebody about post natal depression and she refuses. She always says that she’s fine, but I know she’s not.

 

Yes, I am a very active father. I would say I take care of my daughter more than my wife does. Not saying she’s a bad parent, but I do a lot. My wife has back problems so a lot of the time I am doing the physical activity and being with her more so than her.

 

Have you sought professional help/couple' s therapy? Physical and mental abuse are unacceptable. What you describe doesn't sound like something you can fix on your own (if at all). Imo, you need to seek professional help/ counseling. I realise that you don't want to break up your family but growing up in such a toxic environment is bad for your daughter. Cheating is not the answers though. If you really love your daughter think long and hard what kind of example you want to set for her.

 

We have not sought therapy, although I have suggested it countless times. She is one of those people that internalizes everything and doesn’t think it helps. She also says that we have no money for that kind of stuff but if it will save our relationship then I’d be willing to do it.

 

Abuse should NEVER be tolerated. What is your daughter going to learn from abuse , violence and arguing? She will learn that that’s what romantic love looks like. And that it’s OK for people to do these things. Please, call the police and you need to talk to a lawyer pronto.

 

I completely agree, and I hate that she does this stuff in front of my daughter. The violence and foul language is appalling. I’m worried she’s at the age where she will remember it.

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I’ve tried to get her to speak to somebody about post natal depression and she refuses. She always says that she’s fine, but I know she’s not.

 

Yes, I am a very active father. I would say I take care of my daughter more than my wife does. Not saying she’s a bad parent, but I do a lot. My wife has back problems so a lot of the time I am doing the physical activity and being with her more so than her.

 

 

 

We have not sought therapy, although I have suggested it countless times. She is one of those people that internalizes everything and doesn’t think it helps. She also says that we have no money for that kind of stuff but if it will save our relationship then I’d be willing to do it.

 

 

 

I completely agree, and I hate that she does this stuff in front of my daughter. The violence and foul language is appalling. I’m worried she’s at the age where she will remember it.

Then you need to speak to a lawyer today. Document document document everything pictures if you have to everything. Call the police if you need to. She is not being a good mother when she commits violence against her child’s father. That isn’t what a good mother does. You need to speak to a lawyer get out of this situation and apply for full custody of your daughter document every instance of violence against you.

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Sorry to hear that. How long have you had interpersonal problems with her.

 

You don't need her permission to go to your own doctor and therapist and address your concerns and speak frankly with someone.

 

Who controls the finances? The fact that you are considering affairs indicates that you feel like a helpless victim and this is your escape.

 

The knock down drag out fights need to stop.

 

I constantly think of going out and finding someone else

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OP. You may recall this from just before you married:

 

"I always shy away from professional help, which is another part of my anxiety. There's a part of me that is scared of them and the perception people might get of me if I seek out a doctor."

 

There were issues then, OP, including her binge-shopping, her attitude, etc.

 

But you married her.

 

What are you going to do now?

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I would seek legal advice in your location. This is not the same thing as pursuing a divorce, it's an appointment to learn your options and the best steps you can take for each option. From there you can decide your course based on real information rather than on emotions alone.

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A good mother doesn't abuse the child's father in front of her. Or at all.

 

No, no, no to couples counseling. It is useless for abusers.

 

Please see a professional and an attorney. She will not magically get better.

 

And BTW, staying in this abusive marriage so your child will have two parents together is more damaging than divorce. If you choose to stay you would be contributing to your daughter growing up damaged emotionally. Please do what is best for your child, don't try to keep up with some romantic ideal you've created in your head.

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You cannot kid yourself that someone who is violently, physically and verbally, attacking you is somehow a good mother at the same time. You've got to get your head out of denial of the reality you are dealing with. She is dangerous both to you and your child.

 

If this all started only after giving birth, then the chances of untreated post partum are better than average. Thing is that post partum can be dangerous and even deadly in some cases if left untreated. This is not something to ignore or treat lightly. Google how many cases of women killing their children, families due to this issue going unaddressed.

 

Please put your foot down that either she goes to a doctor (not some therapist, but doctor as in MD) and gets proper medical treatment or this marriage is over and mean it. You cannot continue to risk yourself and your child in this situation. If she refuses, then seek out a good attorney and start documenting all the abuse because YOU will need to take full custody to protect your daughter. Do not keep passively living in denial and playing with fire - the consequences are too dangerous.

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It's been a tough road for both of you for awhile, seeing your other posts. I read this more as a vent than looking for advice. The first step is accepting whether there is a problem and the second is acknowledging whether you're willing (or able) to do anything about it. It may take you years to leave. I don't think you need to be told that this is extremely abusive and your child will be affected whether you both choose to stay in the marriage or separate.

 

The choice ultimately is yours. You do need a lawyer if you choose to separate and divorce. Whether it's a road you want to take is personal and your choice alone. Your daughter does deserve a father who is of sound mental health and able to care for himself. I hope you do what's right for you - regardless of what that ends up being.

 

I can't speak for anyone else but when I was going through the idea of separating I was lost too. I had to chart out and navigate new territory and during the separation it was also a new and exploratory (painful but necessary) experience. No two paths are the same and no one can judge you for your choices so if you're afraid of all that, dump that crap.

 

You will come out of everything stronger as long as you stick to what you believe in so dig deep and start searching. Never underestimate yourself and what you have found weak in yourself will eventually be the strongest parts that make you who you are. The things you learn about yourself and your choices will create new paths for you in the future. I hope you find peace and learn to feel safe again.

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I constantly think of going out and finding someone else.

- Well, no. You have been in a long term relationship.. to act out this way after all of that, you'd only basically be 'rebounding' I'm sure.. would do neither of you any Good!

 

I wonder if it has changed over the past year- and your daughter is just a year? Could wifey had changed due to this change in your lives?

Like she has lost herself?

 

Of course you want someone who is NOT abusive towards you.

 

I doubt this will last.. you dont want to remain in something like this :/.. she knows the hostility- kids arent dumb!

 

Fine, if she is a good mom.. good! But you dont need to stick around for that... maybe is best to just separate now?

No one said both parents can't remain involved in their childs life... I am sure you know MANY people who have had their parents split up.

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