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Dealing with a husband that just doesn't care anymore


Steph096
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Your husband wants sex with another man and you're not sure? You don't think this is related to your sexless, emotionless marriage? It's unclear why you would not consider this a red flag.

 

He doesn’t want to engage in any sexual acts with his friend, he just wants to share me with him. Everything is a red flag with my husband now.

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He doesn’t want to engage in any sexual acts with his friend, he just wants to share me with him. Everything is a red flag with my husband now.

 

He wants to share you with his pal....like what? Are you a thing, a toy? Nothing against threesomes at large when all parties are fully into that, but this just sounds so wrong especially given how emontionless your husband seems to be.

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You mean and have sex and he watches? What do you "share his friend with you"? It's unclear what you mean by "threesome" and why you knew about this but never saw this as related to your husband's sexual apathy?

 

Is withholding affection/sex part of an BDSM you and your husband have? It's unclear if you want/are interested in a one-on-one heterosexual relationship with your husband or not?

he just wants to share me with him.
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He wants to share you with his pal....like what? Are you a thing, a toy? Nothing against threesomes at large when all parties are fully into that, but this just sounds so wrong especially given how emontionless your husband seems to be.

 

Yeah, he wants to share me. Just a threesome. No guy on guy stuff. He’s made that clear to me, so basically sharing me.

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You mean and have sex and he watches? What do you "share his friend with you"? It's unclear what you mean by "threesome" and why you knew about this but never saw this as related to your husband's sexual apathy?

 

Is withholding affection/sex part of an BDSM you and your husband have? It's unclear if you want/are interested in a one-on-one heterosexual relationship with your husband or not?

 

He wants a threesome with him, no guy on guy stuff. Just basically me taking it all. This has never been a thought as to his sexual apathy. In no way do I want withhold sex. We haven’t had sex in 2 months. I want to have one-on-one sex with my husband. He knows that.

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Not sure of your terminology. Have you researched or googled these terms or anything about your husbands proclivities? The point is that you seem to think this is fine and completely unrelated to your marital problems, no?

 

Your post starts out that things were fine before you go married, then goes on to say he ignores you, then goes on to complain that he is not aroused by you on vacation, now it's his sexuality?

Just a threesome. No guy on guy stuff.
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Your post starts out that things were fine before you go married, then goes on to say he ignores you, then goes on to complain that he is not aroused by you on vacation, now it's his sexuality?

 

He wanted a threesome before we got married. I don’t consider it a issue or reason as to why he is ignoring me. I also wouldn’t get divorced over a threesome or the comment about it.

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One year into your marriage you are already in counseling and it's not working. You've talked, you've tried. Nothing seems to work. No, a threesome with his pal isn't going to save your marriage, but it might leave you feeling like dirt.

 

At this point I really don't know what else you can do. For a marriage to work, BOTH people have to be fully in it and working on it. He isn't doing it. So it goes back to you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

 

I know it's not an easy decision, but I would actually go ahead with the divorce. You are both still young and have plenty of time to get the life you want, it's just not going to happen with each other. I really think you've way outgrown each other in too many ways and that's really where you are at. One year into marriage, most couples are still going at it like rabbits, especially at your age, you are already in therapy. This isn't working. Leave while you still have time to start over.

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One year into your marriage you are already in counseling and it's not working. You've talked, you've tried. Nothing seems to work. No, a threesome with his pal isn't going to save your marriage, but it might leave you feeling like dirt.

 

At this point I really don't know what else you can do. For a marriage to work, BOTH people have to be fully in it and working on it. He isn't doing it. So it goes back to you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

 

I know it's not an easy decision, but I would actually go ahead with the divorce. You are both still young and have plenty of time to get the life you want, it's just not going to happen with each other. I really think you've way outgrown each other in too many ways and that's really where you are at. One year into marriage, most couples are still going at it like rabbits, especially at your age, you are already in therapy. This isn't working. Leave while you still have time to start over.

 

Thanks for that. I do agree we have out grown each other. I think he would say a threesome would help our marriage, if I were to ask. We used to have sex non stop before we were married and were into some crazier things. Now it’s blah and non existent. It’s an extremely hard decision to make as I reflect on everything. I’m just struggling overall. I appreciate your advice and input. Wish it wasn’t so public though ha.

Edited by Steph096
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he just wants to share me with him

 

Okay, you've got a husband who won't have sex with you, who sees you naked and doesn't care and wants to 'share' you with his friend....I would be so done.

 

It honestly sounds like torture and you trying to hang onto any kind of tiny bit of affection he may have left. But he's checked out long time ago.

He's not interested.

 

Go forward with the divorce, unless you want more humiliation and heartache.

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Okay, you've got a husband who won't have sex with you, who sees you naked and doesn't care and wants to 'share' you with his friend....I would be so done.

 

It honestly sounds like torture and you trying to hang onto any kind of tiny bit of affection he may have left. But he's checked out long time ago.

He's not interested.

 

Go forward with the divorce, unless you want more humiliation and heartache.

 

Thanks for your comments. I was extremely hurt by him not saying anything on vacation. I’m beautiful, he would always tell me that. Again, I didn’t lounge around naked for him, or a compliment but it would have been nice.

 

The last few months have been torture, I just want to be loved, touched and have communication with him.

 

When more people have to be involved in order for your sex life to work...then you know you've got a serious problem.

 

I don’t think it would help, but if he think it does. Eh. I don’t know. 😢

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Steph, you deserve so much more than this...at the very least, you deserve him to be trying so much harder.

 

You deserve to be loved, to be laughing, to be enjoying one another and living a life together. You have tried to do all the things we normally advise to try, such as talking to your partner, seek counselling, try to go on vacation to reconnect, even attempt intimacy by being flirty and sexy around them...but if he's not a willing participant and he's just not paying attention, then it really is futile.

And I'm sorry to tell you that because I know you want your marriage to work.

 

At this point though, you've got to start saving yourself. You shouldn't have to endure more torture and more pain and more loneliness. That's not what life or marriage should ever be about.

 

Moving forward with a divorce is going to be painful and it will be hard, I don't think anyone will dispute that. But it will help you gain closure and it will help you come to terms with the ending of your marriage.

 

It's a path that will lead you to your healing and lead you to new starts and new beginnings. Those things can bring you so much more happiness than what you are living with now.

 

You sound very strong, and bright and still full of so much life and love. Someone out there will be overjoyed to be with you. Look forward and to the possibilities that lie ahead and don't dwell in the past.

It's okay to mourn an ending and it's okay to take time to get over all of it, but you are also giving yourself a new lease on life by no longer being prisoner to this very sad reality that you're currently living.

 

I hope that you do what's best for you and to start protecting your heart now. He has had loads of time to love you properly. There comes a time when he just doesn't deserve you anymore.

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I don't think a threesome is a smart move. Just like having a baby won't help a troubled relationship. It only adds more pressure to the situation.

 

Maybe you need to look for a different therapist. Its not always one size fits all. Maybe you could go separately.

 

I'm sorry. this sounds very hurtful

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I don't think a threesome is a smart move. Just like having a baby won't help a troubled relationship. It only adds more pressure to the situation.

 

Maybe you need to look for a different therapist. Its not always one size fits all. Maybe you could go separately.

 

I'm sorry. this sounds very hurtful

 

Thanks. I’ve been struggling with this. I’m SO thankful I didn’t get pregnant. We talked about wanting kids, I even went off bc for a while (back on now.) Part of me is considering the threesome, as one last attempt for him to see what he is missing with me 1 on 1 and maybe the friend can spark a light in him that can save us. Doubtful, I know. But beside him not finding interest in me, this is very very hard for me to handle.

 

I don’t disagree with finding another therapist. I like that idea, a lot.

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Thanks. I’ve been struggling with this. I’m SO thankful I didn’t get pregnant. We talked about wanting kids, I even went off bc for a while (back on now.) Part of me is considering the threesome, as one last attempt for him to see what he is missing with me 1 on 1 and maybe the friend can spark a light in him that can save us. Doubtful, I know. But beside him not finding interest in me, this is very very hard for me to handle.

 

I don’t disagree with finding another therapist. I like that idea, a lot.

Do you think he would use the threesome against you? like use it as a reason to push you further way? or to blame it/you for some reason?

 

I just really question doing this to please him. if you're doing it because you are interested in it, then fine. you are all adults.

 

but if you're giving in to get something in return, you might regret it. By not geting what you want in return or some other form of backfire that will hurt you even more in the long run.

 

trust your gut on this. its ok to have a limit to what you'll do for another person... even your spouse.

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I don’t think it would help, but if he think it does. Eh. I don’t know. 😢

 

How exactly does he think a threesome would help your marriage? That's a sincere question, and one you should be asking him. I don't see the connection between inviting another person in your bed and repairing a dying marriage.

 

I say that as someone who has had threesomes now and again, so no judgement on spicing things up that way. However, it isn't something a couple should do to save their sex life or their relationship. It's something that should be treated as a fun and occasional change of pace, with both parties equally interested. It will be a disaster otherwise. I guarantee it.

 

It sounds more like he just really wants a threesome and is using this "save-the-marriage" nonsense as the carrot to talk you into it.

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How is 1 on 1 with his friend a threesome?

 

Sounds like you want to spite him.

 

It's understandable that you are resentful. Are you sure you want to save the marriage?

 

Is cuckolding just another variation of kink for you two?

me 1 on 1 and maybe the friend can spark a light in him t.
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Do you think he would use the threesome against you? like use it as a reason to push you further way? or to blame it/you for some reason?

 

I just really question doing this to please him. if you're doing it because you are interested in it, then fine. you are all adults.

 

but if you're giving in to get something in return, you might regret it. By not geting what you want in return or some other form of backfire that will hurt you even more in the long run.

 

trust your gut on this. its ok to have a limit to what you'll do for another person... even your spouse.

 

I don’t think he would use it it a way against me. He isn’t that type of person, even in his current state. I know it sounds dumb but I’m interested in doing it to see if it changed anything. Communication, how he views me, doing things together, our sex life. Maybe I’m a fool for thinking that. I don’t know. Would it hurt me if it goes badly or doesn’t change anything? Maybe, but at least I know where I stand and get my last “wish” of an attempt to save this marriage.

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How is 1 on 1 with his friend a threesome?

 

Sounds like you want to spite him.

 

It's understandable that you are resentful. Are you sure you want to save the marriage?

 

Is cuckolding just another variation of kink for you two?

 

Before we got married we were having sex once or twice a day consistently. We have gotten into some crazy, weird things but never a threesome although it’s been talked about multiple times. When that was happening my husband and I had the perfect relationship going. Everything was great.

 

If we do end everything, I’d like to say I gave it my all and I was the one who never gave up.

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So You think sex with his friend will revitalize things? You're right, he checked out as soon as you were married for whatever reason.

We have gotten into some crazy, weird things but never a threesome although it’s been talked about multiple times.

 

and I was the one who never gave up.

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I don’t think he would use it it a way against me. He isn’t that type of person, even in his current state. I know it sounds dumb but I’m interested in doing it to see if it changed anything. Communication, how he views me, doing things together, our sex life. Maybe I’m a fool for thinking that. I don’t know. Would it hurt me if it goes badly or doesn’t change anything? Maybe, but at least I know where I stand and get my last “wish” of an attempt to save this marriage.
I understand. I guess I was thinking of it from the perspective of, would you feel used or manipulated by your hubs or his friend?

 

I personally would have a real problem with basically being neglected and ignored both physically and emotionally, but.. he'll do it with you, if his friend can get in on it, too.

 

it just doesn't pass the "is this the action of someone that loves me and puts me above all others" test. It rather reeks of 'let me help boy hook up before this relationship ends.'

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I understand. I guess I was thinking of it from the perspective of, would you feel used or manipulated by your hubs or his frend?

 

I personally would have a real problem with basically being neglected and ignored both physically and emotionally, but.. he'll do it with you, if his friend can get in on it, too.

'

 

In my eyes, I’m getting ignored right now, but the last few days have been an improvement. I guess you can kind of see my point in possibly wanting a threesome as one of my last attempts. I don’t feel like I would be manipulated by either because he has brought this up years ago, so I know it’s not due to our marriage issues. So I’m really at a toss as to what to do about that.

 

We are having a few of his guy friends over tonight, he is looking forward to it. I’m actually trying to remain hopeful.

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