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Dealing with a husband that just doesn't care anymore


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I'm really struggling right now with my husband. We're both 24, married for over a year. I feel as if he has lost interest in our marriage and myself.

 

He says he hasn't, but I think differently. He doesn't want to talk much, he would rather play games on his phone or computer than do anything with me. He doesn't want to have sex, he just doesn't care.

 

We have been seeing a therapist together, but that hasn't been overly helpful.

 

These issues have been going on for months, before we got married, everything was great, we had been together for 5 years. A few weeks ago we went on vacation in hopes to help our relationship and it didn't help at all. We rented a house in different state with a private pool. He didn't want to go out and do anything, see anything, etc. He spent 95% of the time in the living area playing games on his tablet, or talking to his "gamer friends" on this chat thing. So while he was doing that, I was enjoying my time around and in the pool. He didn't once want to join me outside or in the pool. I also walked around the house completely nude and spent my time outside nude, and he didn't even blink an eye at that, no comments, no acknowledgment. NOTHING. I made a super nice dinner and ate outside nude, no compliments or anything. It was a disappointing trip.

 

Now that has passed and I'm considering divorce, he doesn't think we have any issues, I'm just at a complete loss as to what to do. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.

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Sorry to hear this. Is it an arranged marriage. Sadly it sounds like he is taking things for granted and completely checked out.

Pull back, way back. Stop joint therapy and discuss this privately and confidentially with your own personal therapist to get a better take on things.

 

Shake this up. No not throwing fancy dinners or sexy outfits/nudity at him. The opposite. Pull back, do not lean into this, it enables it. Stop doing housewife things. Let him find his own dinner, do his own shopping, errands, chores, etc. If he want's to eat, he'll have to interrupt his video games.

 

Be mysterious, new clothes, hair, go to the gym, get in shape, be out a lot more. He is acting like a 13 y/o kid in his mom's basement.

 

Yes consult an attorney, do not mention it and never threaten divorce, just get your ducks in a row. Why live a sexless, affectionless life with a video game addicted, checked out, cold child?

We're both 24, married for over a year. I feel as if he has lost interest in our marriage and myself.

 

he would rather play games on his phone or computer than do anything with me. He doesn't want to have sex, he just doesn't care.

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He's living in another world with his games. For someone to check out during a planned vacation and spend nearly all his time on virtual games instead of spending time with you, he's chosen that virtual world over the marriage. Whatever you're both doing with the couple's therapy isn't working. I wouldn't keep investing in that anymore. I am so sorry. You must be in so much pain and extremely lonely.

 

Keep your clothes on from now onwards. The more you keep subjugating yourself this way to no avail, the more you're digging yourself into a pit of low self-worth and feeling less and less attractive around someone who has opted not to pay attention. End that type of behaviour. You are worth far more than that. Don't debase yourself or stoop so low anymore. Tell yourself you have tried to put yourself out there and have wanted to work on the marriage but he is not in it in the same way anymore.

 

Someone who uses games this way is trying to escape from reality or not able to handle or face what the outside world offers. Escapism is fine for temporary periods to give the mind reprieve from severe grief or some break in reality but he's abusing that freedom to "game" and also abusing your trust in the process.

 

Is he employed or are both of you financially secure? Were there recent losses or any illness in the family also?

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Shake this up. No not throwing fancy dinners or sexy outfits/nudity at him. The opposite. Pull back, do not lean into this, it enables it. Stop doing housewife things. Let him find his own dinner, do his own shopping, errands, chores, etc. If he want's to eat, he'll have to interrupt his video games.

 

Be mysterious, new clothes, hair, go to the gym, get in shape, be out a lot more. He is acting like a 13 y/o kid in his mom's basement.

 

Yes consult an attorney, do not mention it and never threaten divorce, just get your ducks in a row. Why live a sexless, affectionless life with a video game addicted, checked out, cold child?

 

Thanks, I appreciate your input. I haven't threatened divorce but he knows it will probably be the next step. I will continue to live my life as I will. He needs to figure it out, quickly.

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He's living in another world with his games. For someone to check out during a planned vacation and spend nearly all his time on virtual games instead of spending time with you, he's chosen that virtual world over the marriage. Whatever you're both doing with the couple's therapy isn't working. I wouldn't keep investing in that anymore. I am so sorry. You must be in so much pain and extremely lonely.

 

Keep your clothes on from now onwards. The more you keep subjugating yourself this way to no avail, the more you're digging yourself into a pit of low self-worth and feeling less and less attractive around someone who has opted not to pay attention. End that type of behaviour. You are worth far more than that. Don't debase yourself or stoop so low anymore. Tell yourself you have tried to put yourself out there and have wanted to work on the marriage but he is not in it in the same way anymore.

 

Someone who uses games this way is trying to escape from reality or not able to handle or face what the outside world offers. Escapism is fine for temporary periods to give the mind reprieve from severe grief or some break in reality but he's abusing that freedom to "game" and also abusing your trust in the process.

 

Is he employed or are both of you financially secure? Were there recent losses or any illness in the family also?

 

A few things, thank you so much for your feedback.

 

It's unfortunate that our trip didn't go as planned because I was really hoping for a change in him. I know he's going through a rough patch but it's not an excuse to play games and whatnot all day.

 

You're right about the low self-worth, I didn't take my clothes off for him, completely, to be honest I just wanted to relax and destress, but being naked and not getting any compliments was hurtful. I don't expect to the nudity aspect to be "sexual" or anything, but a compliment like "Wow, you look great." would have been nice. I feel completely awful after that experience.

 

He is employed, although I am more financially secure than he is. No recent losses or illness in the family, but he has up and down depression at times. I know he wasn't depressed during the trip.

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Some people experience depression after getting married. It's a major stressor, even though it's thought of as a positive one. The same thing is common after the birth of a child.

It's more common in young couples too. Do you think this is a possibility?

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He's still quite young, it doesn't sound like he's ready for marriage right now.

 

He's bored, because he wants to be doing different things than what you both are doing right now. Your needs and wants are incompatible.

 

This is only one year in, and no children yet. Children will make things much more harder.

 

My suggestion is to talk to him about divorcing. It doesn't seem like it's going to work long term, you're both not happy.

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Someone who uses games this way is trying to escape from reality or not able to handle or face what the outside world offers.

 

Not true. There are thousands of gamers in this world. It's their hobby during free time. Some even do it as a way of making money via Youtube or other social platforms.

 

It IS considered a hobby being as it is quite popular now a days.

 

There's no depression attached to it, and there should also be no shame. It's something people genuinely enjoy in this day and age.

 

If you're not a gamer and he is, it is going to be a huge incompatibility between you two, unfortunately.

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A few things, thank you so much for your feedback.

 

It's unfortunate that our trip didn't go as planned because I was really hoping for a change in him. I know he's going through a rough patch but it's not an excuse to play games and whatnot all day.

 

You're right about the low self-worth, I didn't take my clothes off for him, completely, to be honest I just wanted to relax and destress, but being naked and not getting any compliments was hurtful. I don't expect to the nudity aspect to be "sexual" or anything, but a compliment like "Wow, you look great." would have been nice. I feel completely awful after that experience.

 

He is employed, although I am more financially secure than he is. No recent losses or illness in the family, but he has up and down depression at times. I know he wasn't depressed during the trip.

 

What is this? Has it been addressed by a doctor or has he received treatment for his moods?

 

You were looking or fishing for compliments in an emotionally-starved relationship. It always takes two. You can't control another person's actions or reactions but you can control your own so start figuring out what you need in a relationship and ask yourself whether you're seeing signs of reciprocated love or affection from this person. He may be your spouse on paper but he may not be your spouse in any other way, nor does he seem to enjoy spending time with you in the same way that you want to spend time with him.

 

If he can't meet you halfway in your expectations of each other, the marriage is a sham. Both of you are together out of convenience. It is possible also for individuals to outgrow one another in a marriage. Once you've started to understand a bit more about who he is as a person and if he's making any effort to meet you halfway or reconnect in the marriage, you can figure out whether there's any future left with him.

 

I'm sorry to say this but not everyone (even good people) are always able to or have the capacity to give of themselves the same way that others can. This happens even in marriages where you've made promises to each other. Circumstances can change and people do reveal things about themselves over time that may or may not change your paths as a couple. Whatever you choose for yourself going forward, keep going back to your convictions and what your needs are and what that commitment meant way back when when you first got married. If you still cannot outweigh the pros against the cons, things have to change.

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So basically, you started dating when you were late teens and now that you are young adults, you are finding out that you really have no business being with each other. You've outgrown each other and this relationship completely.

 

My advice is really simple, stop wasting money on therapy - it's not working and not going to. You can't fix what should have never happened in the first place - marriage. Fortunately, you can undo this and get a divorce while it's still easy, just one year in and no children or assets involved. Part ways amicably and be done. You both need to free each other and actually be single and grow up in that respect. Learn who you are as a single person, who you are as an adult, and who you should actually be with in the future and in the long run. Dating the way you did, you both actually stopped each other from that necessary growth and development and sooner or later, that tends to catch up with people.

 

For you, at least it's happening now. For others it happens in their 30's - mortgage, cars, kids and then one partner suddenly wakes up and wants to "go find themselves", aka go party, drink, sleep around and do all the things they missed out on in their early 20's. Don't cling to this point. Better to leave now, while you both can still do all that and find the actual right partners because this situation is not it. As you are learning the hard way, you can lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink. This pretty much sums up your relationship - you can go to therapy, you can go on vacation, you can walk around naked, but.....

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Wow, talk about negligent :/.

 

One time around the pool naked and he never took notice, I would not be doing it again.

 

Sex was an issue before you went away- nothing changed with your trip-.. so may have been 'in hopes' from your end.. he still didnt care.

 

Could be, he is either bored now or is struggling with some things?

Males dont always know HOW to explain themselves properly the way women can- emotionally invested with so much.

 

They can 'go into their man cave' for a while to work thru their own things..

But just sounds like he has lost interest..?

 

Yeah, i would inform him to get himself together and either TRY and give YOU some of his time.. so, shape up or ship out, cause you dont need your time feeling so neglected.

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Wow, talk about negligent :/.

 

One time around the pool naked and he never took notice, I would not be doing it again.

 

Sex was an issue before you went away- nothing changed with your trip-.. so may have been 'in hopes' from your end.. he still didnt care.

 

Could be, he is either bored now or is struggling with some things?

Males dont always know HOW to explain themselves properly the way women can- emotionally invested with so much.

 

They can 'go into their man cave' for a while to work thru their own things..

But just sounds like he has lost interest..?

 

Yeah, i would inform him to get himself together and either TRY and give YOU some of his time.. so, shape up or ship out, cause you dont need your time feeling so neglected.

 

Thanks, having sex on the trip was my goal, but clearly not his. He's had up and down struggles with various little things, but I can't say he can blame them on this. I think we have just both lost interest in each other. Also, with the naked thing. I would have been naked regardless of if he was there, I was with a female friend or alone. I just would have thought he would have complimented me in some form of way (clothed or not) because I did also dress and wear some nice things when we left the house.

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Unfortunately you have 2 options. Continue marriage therapy and pray for a miracle, or divorce. However you have a lot more choices that you could do to improve your position and leverage.

 

One is stop marriage therapy and start individual therapy for support. At the same time consult an attorney for information and options in the event of divorce.

 

Prancing around nude hoping for compliments from a checked out, cold as stone partner is not a viable option. You are going to need to employ effect methods to help you feel happy again.

 

Trying to squeeze blood out of a stone will just continue to hurt you as your checked-out husband coasts along like a video-game addicted child.

Thanks, having sex on the trip was my goal, but clearly not his. He's had up and down struggles with various little things, but I can't say he can blame them on this. I think we have just both lost interest in each other.
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Prancing around nude hoping for compliments from a checked out, cold as stone partner is not a viable option. You are going to need to employ effect methods to help you feel happy again.

 

I don’t know how many more times I have to explain. I wasn’t nude because of him. Period. I was nude because I wanted to be. Am I upset he didn’t acknowledge his beautiful wife? Yeah, I am. But again, my decision to be nude almost the entire trip wasn’t for him, it was for me.

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This is specifically what I addressed. Not whether being nude is appropriate or not. Basically who cares? I am not the poster who was judgmental about this. My advice to get an attorney and cease marriage therapy and instead engage in individual therapy stands. This is not a debate on nudity (unless You make it one). It's advice as to your unhappy marriage and checked out husband, which I addressed.

Am I upset he didn’t acknowledge his beautiful wife? Yeah, I am.
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This is specifically what I addressed. Not whether being nude is appropriate or not. Basically who cares? I am not the poster who was judgmental about this. My advice to get an attorney and cease marriage therapy and instead engage in individual therapy stands. This is not a debate on nudity (unless You make it one). It's advice as to your unhappy marriage and checked out husband, which I addressed.

 

You’re 100% correct, I am not disputing that. I was making more of a blanket statement. I have had a civil conversation with him this morning and will continue the next steps at this point.

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Update: The last 2 days we have been talking, still nothing to brag about. We had dinner with his parents last night that went OK. Slightly awkward. He wants to have a few friends over tomorrow night for a little gathering. I’ve agreed so we will see what happens. One of the guys coming over he wanted to have a threesome with a little over a year ago, so idk, it should be interesting tomorrow night.

 

I have been researching divorce options and who to talk to locally about getting the process started.

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Is your husband bi or into open relationships?
I wouldn’t say either per say, but it’s his best “nerd” friend and I know he’s wanted a threesome with him for almost as long as I’ve been with him. He hasn’t expressed interest in anything else other than that.
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Your husband wants sex with another man and you're not sure? You don't think this is related to your sexless, emotionless marriage? It's unclear why you would not consider this a red flag.

I know he’s wanted a threesome with him for almost as long as I’ve been with him.
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