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I feel like sex is all I have to offer because guys mainly seek me for this


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As someone who was hooted and hollered at by random men since she was 12 years old (ughh :|), I do sympathize with some of your feelings. But I think your thought process is limited and unfair.

 

You need to be more selective with the kind of guy you are devoting your energy towards.

 

Have you no male friends?

 

Every guy doesn't deserve to have you as a 'therapist.' Slow down and evaluate the kind of person that you are talking to before you put all of this effort into them.

 

Your have many more options at hand than 'therapist' or 'b*tch.'

 

Girl same😭

The inappropriate honking makes us put up a wall when we're out in public. It's why I mainly always wear my earphones and walk a little fast. People would say "you need to smile more" but that's just me trying to prevent someone from talking to me.

 

I have a few guy friends but they treat me like a normal person so these complaints don't apply to them. The therapist thing mainly comes from how I'm attentive and non- judging during the initial talking stages. But you're right, I need to work on setting more boundaries. I feel like I already have in the past but with more practice now.

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I think you're too nice and don't know how to assert yourself when you really need to. Anyone that smacks your butt, and it's not welcomed, deserves some backlash from you. You say you set boundaries but this happens and you may as well have told him, "thanks, do that everytime I walk by!" Make it very clear to people that what they're doing is unacceptable and you won't allow it.

 

But something seems weird here. Even the hottest girls I've ever known didn't attract this much unwanted attention.

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What Wiseman said. Report these matters to campus security.

 

It has nothing to do with your physical build or height.

 

You remark:

 

"Hand shaking and eye contact has given some the wrong idea."

 

This makes no sense. It is usual to make eye contact when greeting someone, as in shaking hands. How on earth would that give someone the "wrong idea".

 

I agree with you LikeWater:

 

"But something seems weird here. "

 

Wht exactly do you mean here OP:

 

"Escorting and porn is extreme; although I've kind of thought about it. Still goes against my beliefs though."

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What Wiseman said. Report these matters to campus security.

 

It has nothing to do with your physical build or height.

 

You remark:

 

"Hand shaking and eye contact has given some the wrong idea."

 

This makes no sense. It is usual to make eye contact when greeting someone, as in shaking hands. How on earth would that give someone the "wrong idea".

 

I agree with you LikeWater:

 

"But something seems weird here. "

 

Wht exactly do you mean here OP:

 

"Escorting and porn is extreme; although I've kind of thought about it. Still goes against my beliefs though."

 

Some guys would assume that I was interested because I being polite and friendly. They act is if it's impossible to talk with the opposite sex. I'm going to be blunt and say that not all guys are fully capable of being friends with girls that are physically or sexually attractive.

 

Before Covid, a guy from one of my classes approached me and said hi. Initially, I rolled my eyes at him. Later, he said hi again and I apologized. He would respectfully compliment me in the beginning but I'd just thank him and keep it moving. I thought we'd just be platonic acquaintances. A month later, he started to ask me out and mentioned how he likes me when all we had was casual small talk. Never flirted with him in anyway. I just treated him like a normal person with respect.

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Report this type of thing to campus security. Avoid walking alone at night.

 

I felt embarrassed and insecure so I kept it to myself at the time. I should've reported it.

 

It happened in broad daylight which made it even worse. A stupid part of me felt like they'll just downplay it and say "maybe it's what you're wearing". People would justify this kind of behavior in the past when I'd mention it.

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I'm going to be blunt and say that not all guys are fully capable of being friends with girls that are physically or sexually attractive.

 

This is true. So don't have anything to do with them! From what you're saying here, you seem far more concerned about how they're feeling, and not wanting to hurt their feelings, than you are about your own wellbeing and safety. If you feel uncomfortable around someone, then don't hang around. If they don't like it, that is really, really not your problem.

 

Before Covid, a guy from one of my classes approached me and said hi. Initially, I rolled my eyes at him. Later, he said hi again and I apologized. He would respectfully compliment me in the beginning but I'd just thank him and keep it moving. I thought we'd just be platonic acquaintances. A month later, he started to ask me out and mentioned how he likes me when all we had was casual small talk. Never flirted with him in anyway. I just treated him like a normal person with respect.

 

So... a guy you weren't interested in asked you out. That's not at all unusual, and unless there's something you've not mentioned here, I don't see why it would be offensive in any way. If you're not interested, then politely decline. End of.

 

I used to go out every Sunday evening with a couple of female friends, to a pub where they had a folk band. Every week, we'd be approached by a different bunch of guys; I'd just thank them for coming over, and say that we were all spoken for and just wanted a girls' night out. No offence meant or taken.

 

For your own sanity, you need to differentiate between guys who are just asking you out and those where their actions constitute assault, however minor. Don't be afraid to be assertive when necessary; this does not at all mean you need to be a b****.

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I don't know where you have so much time to talk to these people. Stay with your friends and hang out with crowds you trust and know. If your trust meter is broken, limit your contact with people you don't know very well in settings where you are alone with them.

 

Don't walk across anywhere late at night. Everyone knows campus is not a safe place - sobering but sad fact. There usually is campus security to escort students from place to place also if needed. What you do is you save the number on your cellphone and give them a call if you need an escort or help. Carry pepper spray. In our province (BC), there were instances of molesters and sexual abusers prowling on campus and students are never safe even in broad daylight. A 53 year old jogger was also killed in the woods near the UBC campus during a morning jog in an apparent random killing and even after ten years police still have no motive and haven't found the killer. This hit pretty close to home for me as I frequent this area myself.

 

You really need to practice more street smarts. I also emphathize with you on the cat calls and whistles. I got unwanted attention from highschool to later years. I say this for your own safety. Take better care of yourself and don't make jokes out of sexual harassment of any kind or put up with people who make it a joke (it undercuts and devalues those serious concerns about safety). You have your whole life to live. Don't put up with behaviour like this.

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This is true. So don't have anything to do with them! From what you're saying here, you seem far more concerned about how they're feeling, and not wanting to hurt their feelings, than you are about your own wellbeing and safety. If you feel uncomfortable around someone, then don't hang around. If they don't like it, that is really, really not your problem.

 

 

 

So... a guy you weren't interested in asked you out. That's not at all unusual, and unless there's something you've not mentioned here, I don't see why it would be offensive in any way. If you're not interested, then politely decline. End of.

 

I used to go out every Sunday evening with a couple of female friends, to a pub where they had a folk band. Every week, we'd be approached by a different bunch of guys; I'd just thank them for coming over, and say that we were all spoken for and just wanted a girls' night out. No offence meant or taken.

 

For your own sanity, you need to differentiate between guys who are just asking you out and those where their actions constitute assault, however minor. Don't be afraid to be assertive when necessary; this does not at all mean you need to be a b****.

 

I don't take extreme offense to it. If I like a guy and the attraction is mutual, I'll let him know by subtly flirting with him.

 

Even though I sometimes come off disinterested or emotionally unavailable due to shyness. I noticed that whenever a guy and I have previously liked each other, we both appeared emotionally unavailable because of our introverted personalities. I generally prefer guys like me but it's hard when both of us are afraid to express our feelings.

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I think its sometimes difficult to be objective about ourselves. Do you a trusted friend or a guy friend friend that could give you some feedback?

 

I'm surprised by what a friend or coworker will say about me. My job can be stressful and I handle staff complaints. I am often told how calm and rational I am. I see myself the total opposite, but I guess that's not what I project.

 

I get my fair amount of attention from men, but I've been told I seem unapproachable or intimidating. And it's not due to my looks but more so how I carry myself and what I project.

 

If 93% of communication is nonverbal what might you be communicating?

 

It might be helpful to ask a couple people and listen to what they have to say.

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I think its sometimes difficult to be objective about ourselves. Do you a trusted friend or a guy friend friend that could give you some feedback?

 

I'm surprised by what a friend or coworker will say about me. My job can be stressful and I handle staff complaints. I am often told how calm and rational I am. I see myself the total opposite, but I guess that's not what I project.

 

I get my fair amount of attention from men, but I've been told I seem unapproachable or intimidating. And it's not due to my looks but more so how I carry myself and what I project.

 

It might be helpful to ask a couple people and listen to what they have to say.

 

I'd like to think I have decent amount of self-awareness. For example, I understand that I am too "nice" to guys. I consider myself to be a genuinely kind person and this is what most of my friends and coworkers describe me as. There's never a hidden motive that I get from being polite or friendly but I feel like I have to toughen up more when I'm near them.

 

I don't know if this contributes to my lack of assertiveness but I prefer older men. The ones that are 10 years older. My ex was my exact age but after him, I noticed the difference in how older guys would approach me versus my male aged peers. I found it very attractive and charming. They'd treat me like a trophy near their peers and talk to me like I'm extremely desirable but with sweet words and gestures. I'd latch on to it and feel good knowing that I'm younger than them with how much experience they have. The "trophy" part is very wrong and I don't agree with it now but I found it flattering before.

 

Only red flags is that they would make me feel like I can't say no or disagree with them. We always have to agree on everything or else I'm being "argumentative".

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This type of thing isn't said any more:

 

"maybe it's what you're wearing".

 

It shouldn't be. Sadly, there are plenty of people who would still try blame or shame the victim. Bottom line though is that it has nothing to with what wear or how you act. No one should invade your personal space. Any inappropriate touch should be reported. Too many incidents go unreported and people get the idea that they can just get away with it with no consequences. By reporting you are not only protecting yourself, but potentially others as well.

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ElectricaLove,

 

One of the hardest parts of being shy is standing up for yourself and being able to draw the line. Seems like you are naturally inclined to being a protector and honestly wanting to be there for people. Unfortunately, people can take advantage. It's also understandable if a part of you even likes the attention. such as with the older guys. But you do need to stand up for yourself more. Let people know when you are not comfortable. Say no. Be firm and confident. No, you shouldn't be viewed by others as a trophy to show off. You are a good person who people should treat with more respect.

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I'd like to think I have decent amount of self-awareness. For example, I understand that I am too "nice" to guys. I consider myself to be a genuinely kind person and this is what most of my friends and coworkers describe me as. There's never a hidden motive that I get from being polite or friendly but I feel like I have to toughen up more when I'm near them.

 

I don't know if this contributes to my lack of assertiveness but I prefer older men. The ones that are 10 years older. My ex was my exact age but after him, I noticed the difference in how older guys would approach me versus my male aged peers. I found it very attractive and charming. They'd treat me like a trophy near their peers and talk to me like I'm extremely desirable but with sweet words and gestures. I'd latch on to it and feel good knowing that I'm younger than them with how much experience they have. The "trophy" part is very wrong and I don't agree with it now but I found it flattering before.

 

Only red flags is that they would make me feel like I can't say no or disagree with them. We always have to agree on everything or else I'm being "argumentative".

 

It's not nice to be non-assertive/passive -good for you for recognizing that this was also about liking the attention for your ego, not because you were trying to be "kind" - that's true self-awareness. Consider whether you're willing to give up the benefits - you see it as a benefit -it would repulse me, personally - to be the sweet demure younger woman who just has to be submissive and obedient and save the debates or "arguments" -or simply having your own voice -for when you are with your friends or talking to yourself. There is a real benefit for some people -it's easier, you can rationalize that "all men are like this" or however -and you can sit back and not to have to find your voice or go after your own goals -you can just be his partner.

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I am finding difficulty in imagining where you are meeting these types (both the younger and the older).

 

"make me feel like I can't say no or disagree with them. We always have to agree on everything or else I'm being "argumentative"."

 

Here is a definition of assertiveness:

 

"Assertiveness is a skill regularly referred to in social and communication skills training. Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own or other people's rights in a calm and positive way, without being either aggressive, or passively accepting 'wrong'."

 

"If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or overly easygoing. You may routinely say things such as "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." You tend to avoid conflict. Why is that a problem? Because the message you're sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of other people. In essence, when you're too passive, you give others the license to disregard your wants and needs."

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Is there campus counselling? It may help you to assert yourself when needed and discontinue self undermining people pleasing and martyrdom. Have self respect and boundaries is not being a witch. However letting people walk all over you in order to be liked is something you can address and fix.

 

Are you dating men decades older than you or are you talking about crushes on older professors?

 

It's understandable that guys on campus may be immature, inexperienced and awkward, but you may want to join some more upstanding clubs, groups, sports, activities, events, etc. on campus that attract more reserved, serious minded students. Avoid party animals and 'troubled' guys who need "therapists".

I understand that I am too "nice" to guys.
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I don't know why some people find it hard to believe that college guys in their late teens/early-mid twenties aren't always trying to hook up or have casual sex. Even the "nice ones" will eventually try to steer conversations or interactions to that.

 

I definitely do NOT find this hard to believe, at all.... just follow the @tindernightmares account on Instagram and you will see almost 2000 posts of screenshots of these exact types of interactions. I used to get them all the time when I was single.

 

I think it's a sad commentary on our society that we are trying to find fault in what this girl is doing instead of expressing our outrage at the inappropriate attention she is getting. This isn't happening because she is "too nice", "too familiar", or too provocative with her clothing... it's because the people that are touching her inappropriately were never taught to respect a woman's physical space.

 

That all being said... there is nothing you can do to change them, all you can do is expand your bubble of protection. Developing a solid "resting face" definitely helps... keep your physical distance from these guys (arm's length or more) when having a conversation with them... and don't be afraid to shut them down the second they touch you without asking.

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I feel like sex is all I have to offer because guys mainly seek me for this

- Then they are degrading as you have much more to offer, but so often, yes, guys just seek that much because it's so easy to get and they have yet to actually 'grow up & settle down'.

 

But don't let that affect YOU.

 

 

Ironically, guys my age and older will sometimes lead me on after socializing with them by asking to pick me up to their apartments, go out on dates, and eventually spend time with them to have sex after

Just don't give into them.

 

It is obviously affecting you now.. How about you stop seeking male affection and just be on your own?

Find yourself... and enjoy your own time and mentally build up to love yourself better.

 

They can only get what YOU will give. You are your own person and to give in is your choice.

 

I have experienced similar over my years and if this is all so many want.. they will not get it and mistreat me anymore.

 

I am okay on my own, cause way I see it, if I dont get involved I won't get hurt,

 

So tread lightly, so that you do not get wrapped up in all of these encounters to where it is just bringing you down :(.

 

Self love.. self care... and be stronger than this.

Take your time... think of yourself for a while. We do not or should not NEED a man/partner. But be satisfied with ourselves in the end.

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I am finding difficulty in imagining where you are meeting these types (both the younger and the older).

 

"make me feel like I can't say no or disagree with them. We always have to agree on everything or else I'm being "argumentative"."

 

Here is a definition of assertiveness:

 

"Assertiveness is a skill regularly referred to in social and communication skills training. Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own or other people's rights in a calm and positive way, without being either aggressive, or passively accepting 'wrong'."

 

"If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or overly easygoing. You may routinely say things such as "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." You tend to avoid conflict. Why is that a problem? Because the message you're sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of other people. In essence, when you're too passive, you give others the license to disregard your wants and needs."

Besides school, mainly from going out with friends, activities, and events. These guys mainly approach me than vice versa. I've only approached a guy twice but it was in a more quiet and relaxed setting.

 

Like I previously mentioned, I'm very direct and assertive regarding other things like my education, work, family, doctor visits, etc. It took years to build this type of confidence and it didn't happen overnight. But not even close with men (mainly the outgoing extroverts and older). I'm always told that I look much younger and I feel like some guys treat me like a "baby" as a result from it. Facially, I look cherubic and innocent as they say. But I'm pear shaped so they notice and treat me a type of way based off of this combination.

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Pear-shaped.

 

You'll need to explain further, OP.

 

"But I'm pear shaped so they notice and treat me a type of way based off of this combination."

 

LaHermes, she is talking about her figure.

 

I believe that in the UK, "pear-shaped" means that something has gone wrong.

 

In the US, "pear-shaped" refers to a body shape: narrow shoulders, wide hips.

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Unfortunately, you are making a lot of assumptions that you have the power through your outward appearance to influence behavior a lot more than you probably do. Keep in mind, campus boys are awkward horndogs, so they probably act that way toward everyone.

 

Your demeanor has much more to do with how people perceive/approach you. For example, playing therapist is over the top. Having confidence is what you need to focus on more. Why, because can't change nonmodifiable characteristics such as facial or body shape. But... You could exude much more confidence and self esteem.

 

Consult your campus counselling services to confront some of these myths and negative self talk.

I look cherubic and innocent as they say. But I'm pear shaped so they notice and treat me a type of way based off of this combination.
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Is there campus counselling? It may help you to assert yourself when needed and discontinue self undermining people pleasing and martyrdom. Have self respect and boundaries is not being a witch. However letting people walk all over you in order to be liked is something you can address and fix.

 

Are you dating men decades older than you or are you talking about crushes on older professors?

 

It's understandable that guys on campus may be immature, inexperienced and awkward, but you may want to join some more upstanding clubs, groups, sports, activities, events, etc. on campus that attract more reserved, serious minded students. Avoid party animals and 'troubled' guys who need "therapists".

 

Before New Years and Covid, I regularly spoke to the counselor on campus. I considered it more of a venting tool rather than a solution to solve the problem. I didn't find it successful because I'd try most of the strategies she'd recommend and felt exhausted afterwards with I didn't notice any changes.

 

I don't find any of my male professors attractive. The older guys that approach me are typically from outdoor activities, events, restaurants, or just anywhere with or without my friends. A lot of them are in their mid-late 20s & early 30s. I mainly like them because they're a little more advanced than guys my age but they can still have their faults. The shy/introverted ones are my preference but I just have to watch out for red flags like before.

 

As for now, I'm not planning on dating due to the restrictions in my location. I'm still going try to find ways to work on setting more boundaries and improving my confidence with men.

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LaHermes, she is talking about her figure.

 

I believe that in the UK, "pear-shaped" means that something has gone wrong.

 

In the US, "pear-shaped" refers to a body shape: narrow shoulders, wide hips.

 

'Pear-shaped' is also used in the UK to describe a physical shape - as you say, with narrow shoulders/small breasts and wide hips/large buttocks. It's all a question of context!

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'Pear-shaped' is also used in the UK to describe a physical shape - as you say, with narrow shoulders/small breasts and wide hips/large buttocks. It's all a question of context!

 

Ah, yes. But you have that additional meaning that we don't have here. I think that's why LaHermes asked for clarification. Just a guess, though.

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