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Hi there , I'm new to this . I'm currently in a long term relationship with an amazing guy. How ever . I've had trust issues ever since we started dating. My paranoia and insecurities is overclouding things but at the same time I just want to ask advice on something over this platform. It would be helpful for me as an individual.

 

My bf and his friend , let's name the friend Tom. Tom is very close friend with my bf. Before my bf knew me , he was one for parties , girls and drinking alcohol. Tom has met me a few times but I am not friends with him. Tom is a rich guy, has cars , into lots of girls and going out to nightclubs and bars is his thing. Tom is 20 years old by the way. My bf seems to have this pull towards Tom. Tom has this social status so anything he does my bf adores.

 

However , I personally do not trust Tom. Once when I asked for space from my bf , my bf told me that Tom wanted to bring a girl for him. Another time , my bf lied to me about who was with. First he claimed he was chilling on the beach with Tom. Next thing I see a video of my bf chilling on the beach with three other girls who he claimed he didnt know were going to be there. (The 3 girls were in the car when Tom picked my bf up btw). That situation made me cry for 4 days straight. I felt my bf was lying to me.

 

Another situation that happened last week was that Tom uploaded videos of him at the nightclub. I video called my bf just to see if he was with Tom because I became paranoid. He was not with him but he seemed irritated by me.

 

Today Tom invited my bf to come to another night club. My bf told me about it. I told him he must do whatever he wants. Bf claims it's a restaurant , sent me pics of it but I could clearly see there stand nightclub. My bf told me his going to rather chill at home. But now I'm thinking is he maybe lying to me about that?

 

Theres so much more to this story. I just feel like tom is a bad influence and that sooner or later he will influence my bf to cheat on me. Tom is always around so many girls and it just makes me angry when I think of his disrespectful his being towards my relationship by asking bf to come with him to night clubs. At the same time , my bf has lied to me a few times, sometimes to reassure me or to ensure that our values match(I dont drink or smoke, my bf used to but claims he stopped all that)

 

Please help me. I dont know if I should rather break up or continue this relationship? I feel like everything is falling apart. I try to trust but in the past my ex also cheated on me. I know how the club environment can get aswell as guys in large groups who are all single wanting to get a girl for the night.

 

Any advice would be helpful. Advice such as what I should do? Advice on something that you have also been through that's similiar to mine? Thanks in advance

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Sorry to hear this. What was the breakup/space about? it's odd you blame 'Tom' for all this when your bf is the one who can't be trusted.

 

It's time to breakup with him for good if he's going out to clubs without you, lying, breaking up, needing 'space' etc. Why allow this drama in your life. With or without 'Tom', your bf is a snake.

Once when I asked for space from my bf , my bf told me that Tom wanted to bring a girl for him. Another time , my bf lied to me about who was with. First he claimed he was chilling on the beach with Tom. Next thing I see a video of my bf chilling on the beach with three other girls who he claimed he didnt know were going to be there
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You basically don't trust your boyfriend. Your boyfriend should be loyal to you regardless of who he is with or what he is doing. So your distrust is misplaced. Even if Tom is a bad influence, your boyfriend should be his own man that owns all his actions.

 

The bigger problem is your own insecurities and low self esteem. until you address and resolve these issues all your experiences will repeat.

 

Why are you with a guy that lies to you in the first place?

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I was the one that needed space . Then Tom went to bf and asked him must he bring a girl over

 

I dont think boyfriend is a snake , but love can be blind.

 

My boyfriend stated that I need to trust him more and he will always be patient with me and all that but maybe he just wants to be with me because I'm not the party type? So he has me but then behind my back his with his single friends to enjoy the night. (This is just me making up scenarios)

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Yes , I acknowledge fully that I still have alot to work with on my self esteem and confidence. The cycle will always continue . Loyalty is such a strong word. Sometimes I think it's never possible to be loyal to one person. I've seem so many relationships fall apart due to lying, cheating , flirting online, etc

 

Maybe I am scared of being alone? Maybe because his a great guy I will feel I regret letting him go. His the only guy who has put in effort to take me out and spoil me and treat me well. But now recently after I asked for space he seems to be lying. Maybe eventually he will cheat on me due to my mixed feelings of being with him .

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Yes , I acknowledge fully that I still have alot to work with on my self esteem and confidence. The cycle will always continue . Loyalty is such a strong word. Sometimes I think it's never possible to be loyal to one person. I've seem so many relationships fall apart due to lying, cheating , flirting online, etc

 

Maybe I am scared of being alone? Maybe because his a great guy I will feel I regret letting him go. His the only guy who has put in effort to take me out and spoil me and treat me well. But now recently after I asked for space he seems to be lying. Maybe eventually he will cheat on me due to my mixed feelings of being with him .

 

Well.... then this is a self fulfilled profiecy... if you believe loyalty is asking too much then you are doing just that... asking for the impossible. which by the way is total BS. Its completely possible.

 

You are scared to be alone, if you accept poor behavior over it. This isn't rocket science.

 

how great of a guy is a guy that makes you cry for four days? Or that you jerk around just as much by asking for space?

 

Effort and spoiling you seems like a very little price to pay. as anyone can give these things. honesty, loyalty, love, understanding, compassion these are the expensive things someone special gives.

 

Sounds like you need to raise your standards and probably take a look at your own selfishness.

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How long have you been dating? Why did you need space? Not all relationships are filled with this much turmoil. It will get better when you get away from these types of guys.

When I asked for space I didnt go around with other people.
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When I asked for space I didnt go around with other people. That's not how I was raised . Dont get it twisted.

 

You have good points though. Thank you

 

I didn't mean to imply you are a cheat. But healthy happy relationships don't require space. I think all people need time to themselves but to me, that is not the same thing.

 

Asking for space to evaluate one's feelings for their partner is jerking the person around. You're basically building insecurity into the relationship, which would cause a healthy person to question you.

 

Seems a little game playing.

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Your BF should be respectful & appreciating YOU.

Not do these games with his guy friend, Tom.. but have a mind of his own.. IF he is not that into you, he does not deserve you.

 

IF he is lying, is because he knows how you will react... but still wants to hang with Tom.

 

If you feel Tom is a bad influence and your Bf does cheat on you- Is HIS own choice...

 

Advice? If you feel that you just cannot TRUST your Bf, then is best to end it. IF he is still into that 'thrill' of a player, he does not deserve you or anyone.. unless or until he calms his hormones down a bit & grows up!

 

You done with this?

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Theres so much more to this story. I just feel like tom is a bad influence and that sooner or later he will influence my bf to cheat on me. Tom is always around so many girls and it just makes me angry when I think of his disrespectful his being towards my relationship by asking bf to come with him to night clubs. At the same time , my bf has lied to me a few times, sometimes to reassure me or to ensure that our values match(I dont drink or smoke, my bf used to but claims he stopped all that

 

The only person you need to worry about disrespecting your relationship is your boyfriend.

 

Tom isn't the problem. He can't cause issues without you boyfriend's permission, and if your boyfriend is "influenced" by Tom, it's because your boyfriend wants to do those things, too.

 

You are going to have to decide if you trust your boyfriend or not. Reading what you have written here, you most definitely do not trust him. Keep the focus on your boyfriend's choices rather than the effect you perceive Tom to have.

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If you are not a party girl, then why are you dating a guy who is your opposite? As you can see, it doesn't work and it has nothing to do with Tom.

 

If you are more of a home body and want a guy who is going to be attentive to you instead of out partying, then drop this guy and go find a guy who is actually more like you. Someone who'd rather be with you than at a party, who'd rather plan a date night with you than be out clubbing. They do exist and you'll both be much happier together than the stress and drama you are dealing with now.

 

As for cheating.....cheating is a character issue not a Tom issue or an opportunity issue. Everyone, literally everyone, has an opportunity to cheat. Whether people do or don't is a personal character issue, a values issue. Bottom line is that you need to be honest with yourself - Tom isn't the issue here, your bf is, and if you can't trust the guy, then do NOT date him. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

 

So, I do think you need to dump your bf and actually do some thinking on what choices in dating you are making for yourself. This is your time to grow, learn, experience. So far your experience sounds pretty negative, so maybe it's time to try out some different choices in guys. Find one that actually works for you without pain and drama and fear of where he is with who tonight.

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How long have you been dating? You mentioned long term. I'm mindful of this because long term relationships take some level of communication.

 

At the same time I can't be sure if this is purely long distance. Have you met or how much of that relationship have you spent in person with your boyfriend?

 

Generally, yes, you seem to have trust issues but this could be from your own insecurities, problems associated with long distance, your bf's poor decisions or any other issue inbetween. Could you clarify a bit more the context?

 

A good rule is to spend more time with someone before committing to them or thinking of yourself in a committed relationship. Chalk this up to more experience on your part now after this relationship and don't carry it like a chip over your shoulder into new relationships after this. My read on this is that you seem quite shattered overall and very insecure. It could be colouring your view of many things, not just these current issues with your boyfriend. You have to work more on believing in yourself and being able to eliminate poor influences or bad influences in your life without hesitation, as long as they are detrimental to your personal (physical or mental health).

 

Don't worry so much about checking up on where your boyfriend is or who he's with. You can read between the lines and gauge a person's character by their company, likes, dislikes, comments they make, what they believe in or what they stand for. If you already know what your boyfriend does in his free time or the types of people he hangs out with, you don't need to break it down by the minute. Worry less over the small stuff and look big picture if you can. He's not the one for you because you already feel so uneasy about a number of things. Keep coming back to yourself and what you think is important in life. You do not cater or bend yourself into a pretzel to cater to bad things, ideas, people. Turn it the other way around and have everything around you reflect what matters to you.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

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An occasional guys night out or girls night out is fine, but when you go from being single to an exclusive relationship, the activities you engage in should evolve and change as well. If I started dating a guy like yours, I'd decided really quickly that he doesn't match me in the way I like to be in a relationship. There are guys out there who play sports, or have other healthy hobbies, and that's how they have fun hanging out with their friends. That's the type who would be right for you, wouldn't it? So go and find him, that is, when you're able to ditch your emotional baggage. Read some books on how to do that, because living in fear will sabotage you in every possible way.

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I dated a guy sort of like your guy when I was in my 20s and he had more than one Tom in his life but one in particular. I didn't drink or take drugs but I loved going out dancing to clubs. My bf drank too much and once in a blue moon smoked pot (like once in the years we were together). No, he did not drive drunk, ever. Anyway his Tom person was like your Tom. One night we were having dinner with Tom and one of his flings who might have ended up being an actual girlfriend. Anyway, Tom implied that when he and my bf were at a strip club for a friend's bachelor party, that my bf received a lap dance. I was horrified. I believe he'd told me nothing happened.

 

The truth is, nothing happened. It was all a big joke. (I know I know but yes I know nothing happened). My bf felt awful that Tom had done this to me.

 

My bf never cheated on me. Yes I believe this. Yes he would go out with the boys and get drunk. Yes I trusted him. One night a woman who was at a party with her boyfriend came on to him, got him to go down to the beach with her (he was very drunk). Her boyfriend almost assaulted me sexually while they were gone but I got away. No, my bf didn't do anything with this woman.

 

But here's the thing -here was my mistake - I was trying to fit in with a crowd who was heavily into alcohol. My boyfriend drank too much. He got himself into trouble at times from these poor choices and it stressed me out. No he did not cheat but it wasn't worth it some of the time - he was so handsome, so much fun, so exciting, so smart, so..... but he wasn't right for me. And I ended up declining his marriage proposal many years ago.

 

Yes, he proposed. And here's the twist - the reason he drank so much, the reason he was out all the time -the reason he never actually cheated on me (yes he was my first ,actually) was because he was struggling with his sexual orientation. I had no clue. He was so virile, our passion was through the roof. But 15 years after we broke up we each married other people and we each married men. His husband is someone he met 5 years after he and I broke up. 5 years later he told me he was gay -we met for coffee after many years. He still drank too much but he was at peace.

 

I am NOT saying your boyfriend is gay. At all. But here's what I know - whether he was gay or straight or confused i was trying to be the cool girl, trying to fit in where I really didn't fit, trying to be ok with his coldness and distance at times, with his hanging out with "bad influences". The fun and thrills really weren't worth that icky feeling of things not being quite right. So whether it's that your boyfriend really doesn't want to commit to you, whether he wants to be on his own, whether you're dragging him away from partying -you two are not a good match. Your distrust reflects this. You should feel comfy and at home with your partner. And you don't. I'd move on.

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I've had trust issues ever since we started dating. My paranoia and insecurities is overclouding things but at the same time I just want to ask advice on something over this platform.

 

I don't think it's fair for you to characterize yourself as paranoid and insecure when you've actually caught your boyfriend lying and otherwise misrepresenting the circumstances he was in. Give yourself some credit.

 

You're dating a guy with lying issues. Of course you're feeling crazy.

 

As others have said, it's not Tom who is the problem. Your boyfriend is the problem.

 

And you're the problem too because you're lying to yourself about who and what you've been spending your time and energy loving.

 

Your boyfriend chooses his company. They don't kidnap him.

 

You can tell a lot about a guy by the type of friends he keeps around.

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The problem isn't your boyfriend's single friends. The problem isn't Tom either. The real problem is your boyfriend and his lack of sound discretion, respect for himself and you. The real problem is your boyfriend's lack of integrity. The real problem is your boyfriend's poor choices in friends, your boyfriend's intolerable and unacceptable character which you need to focus on.

 

This world is full of people who don't share your same values. This world is full of Toms, other guys and girls. This world is full of guys reminiscent of your boyfriend, too. You can't control that. However, each and every person on this Earth can pick and choose whom they wish to associate with or not. This is the part where your boyfriend has real problems and you and your boyfriend are not a match made in heaven. Your boyfriend is different than you are. Your boyfriend prefers the fast life, mesmerizes the likes of Tom and his lifestyle whereas you prefer a cleaner life.

 

Your boyfriend will not change for you. You can attempt to change him but that decision is ultimately his and not yours to make. He will either change for you and for himself or he is who is is habits, preferences and all. He may very well command you to stop trying to control him and a fight will ensue. If this is the case, you need to let him go so he can do as he will with Tom, girls or whomever. At this point, you need to choose men more wisely and never settle for a man who doesn't share your same values. This is your wake up call.

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There are always going to be temptations in life when it comes to both men and women. It doesn't matter what friends your partner has, or where they are, if they are a good partner and a loyal and faithful partner, nothing will ever make them stray.

 

Your boyfriend is the one choosing a friend like Tom. Your boyfriend is choosing to want to be around a guy who likes women and has them around. Your boyfriend is also choosing to want a friend who is clubbing, etc.

 

Take notice on all the choices YOUR BOYFRIEND is making. Because it isn't Tom, and it isn't the girls, it's what you boyfriend is attracted to and is bringing into his life.

 

Say for instance that he and Tom fell out and no longer went out together. It still wouldn't stop your boyfriend from trying to find another friend who likes the social scene, the clubs and the women.

 

You need to take a step back and realize that the things you don't like and the things that are making you feel insecure and uncomfortable, are the things your boyfriend is choosing.

No one else.

 

If it's bothering you that much, then maybe consider that he and you are not compatible.

It's okay to want a partner who is a homebody and is quiet and doesn't want to be around loads of people or women. Some people prefer a partner like that because they are the same.

 

Nothing wrong with wanting that. But you won't find that in this guy.

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my bf has lied to me a few times

 

Aside from everything else, this is reason to break up with him.

 

You have insecurity issues, you've already admitted that. Don't feel bad about that, many people do for many different reasons. And you're acknowledging that, which is a god thing.

However, you cannot have a happy life or a good relationship at all, with someone who lies to you, especially if you have insecurity issues.

 

You need a partner who is willing to be 100% honest with you at all times. He will only make your issues worse if you remain with someone who lies to you.

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I think the problem is not Tom but your bf and more so, you. You dont trust him, you seem clingy and suspicious of what he does and where he goes. If your bf wants to hang out with Tom, you need to either learn to trust him or find someone else who does not care for a party lifestyle.

 

I also think you really need to work on yourself, your paranoia and insecurity. You will chase him away if you dont get a grip on yourself.

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Whenever we opt to accept someone as a partner, that's an 'as is' proposition.

 

If we try to 'accept' someone even while we seek to change them--or their relationships with their family or friends or exes or job or whatever, that means we don't really accept them.

 

So it makes no sense to pretend that you accept BF when you really don't.

 

You get to decide whether you'll prolong this misery for yourself and BF, or whether you'll recognize a need to make better choices for a better match going forward.

 

Head high, we all live and learn through our mistakes.

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  • 1 month later...

This is a bit of a late reply, but I came across your thread and your BF sounds very much like my ex, down to the best friend.

 

My ex also had a best friend like Tom. Perpetually single and chasing women, going to nightclubs with my ex, would even flirt with me in front of my ex. All through this, my ex let it happen because he was in awe of his friend and did anything he wanted.

 

Turns out the problem was my ex, not his friend. He also turned out to be a snake, manipulating and gaslighting me and believing he was doing nothing wrong by flirting with other women, going out to clubs with his single best friend without me, having emotional affairs with his female coworkers. My ex had also told me “I could just lie to you and you would never know.”

 

If your bf is dismissing your concerns and doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong, there’s nothing you can do. Take it from someone who’s been there. If your bf took your concerns seriously and if Tom was really such a bad influence on the relationship, he would distance himself or cut him off. His friendship with this toxic guy is more important than his relationship with you. It won’t change unless your BF realizes there’s a problem.

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