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Angry reaction and got called delusional when trying to share my problems


Alexus
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Last night we had a talk about her problems with her mother, we talked about it and given the situation I also decided to talk to her about what was nagging me since we were sharing things.

 

I have anxiety issues and one of the main problems I face is being able to talk and be myself in groups of people, regardless of who they are. What I wanted to talk to her about was not being able to feel comfortable when I talk with my friends online (voice call) and she is also around in the same room.

 

Now don't get me wrong, this is my problem, and I am not saying I feel uncomfortable because of her specifically, it's just the nature of my anxiety.

 

I talked with her about this and everything went well for the first 10 minutes or so until she asked me if it were better if she were in a different room while I talk with said friends.

 

I said yes it would, but that's not a solution, it would be avoiding my problems and I do not want her to go somewhere else, I want to face my problems not find loopholes and make my partner leave the room for hours because of my anxiety.

 

I just wanted to talk about this with her, for her to know (even though she already knew this, we are almost 4 years together now) and also for me to get a better grip on my anxiety by getting a different perspective on how I should approach this.

 

Well she got extremely angry after I answered her question. The moment she heard me answer with yes to her question, she thought that's my solution, to get rid of her when I talk with my friends. She wouldn't allow me to explain that that's not what I meant and it clearly wasn't a solution, I've been doing this for years and never thought that would be a solution, I just wanted to share just like she did.

 

She also said that I am delusional because that's not normal (fully knowing how my anxiety acts up for nearly 4 years now) and we stoped talking for the next 4 hours until she fell asleep.

 

Now she is acting as if nothing happened last night and I am left here not knowing how to interpret that event.

 

I feel hurt, I just wanted to talk with my partner about what was bothering me just like she did, the one person I can be fully vulnerable around shut me down and called me delusional and now acts like nothing happened, how am I supposed to feel right now ? What do I do moving forward ?

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Do you even know how your partner of 4 years feels that you spend hours talking to random people online instead of spending that time with her , that she so far has accepted only now to be told that you would feel more comfortable if she left the room while you chat to random people???

 

It does not matter to her at this point that you have an issue with chatting to Random’s in her presence.

It matters or should matter to her that you spend hours avoiding not public speaking or speaking in groups but choosing random weirdos online over her!?

 

If you want help with anxiety issues in real life , then stop indulging in a fantasy world.

Start engaging in real life. Get a therapist if needs be.

 

You opened a can of worms. Deal with it.

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What are you talking about ?

 

I am talking about my real life friends, which I can't meet in person everyday due to the pandemic and they living in other cities.

 

I am spending time with them, not indulging in fantasies. This has nothing to do with how I spend my time or ignoring her.

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Do you live together? If she co-owns or is on the lease you can not ask her to leave rooms for hours at a time. It's her place as well. Why are your talks with friends such a big secret?

 

Go to your car or outside if your conversations with friends are secret from her so much so that she's not "allowed" to be in the same room for hours.

 

This sounds quite controlling, more so than "anxiety". It's her place also, no? If you're the one who needs all the "privacy", you're the one who should leave the room/house.

 

Or better yet, get your own place so you can have all the private/secret conversations with your friends you wish without putting someone out.

I wanted to talk to her about was not being able to feel comfortable when I talk with my friends online (voice call) and she is also around in the same room. she thought that's my solution, to get rid of her when I talk with my friends.

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I get you , my daughter doesn't like me been in the room , she says she can't talk properly ...I mean I know that has something to do with that fact that I am her mum hahaha but she likes to be alone and actually so do I .....I don't know why , I can't get into stuff if someone else is in the room ..

 

She maybe felt frustration as she was trying to offer a solution . You are right in the fact that doing this is enabling you and not making you fight this anxiety ...

 

Try talking to her when you are not upset and she has calmed down .

 

Also try not to fight too many demons at the same time ..it will overwhelm you .

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Do you even know how your partner of 4 years feels that you spend hours talking to random people online instead of spending that time with her , that she so far has accepted only now to be told that you would feel more comfortable if she left the room while you chat to random people???

 

It does not matter to her at this point that you have an issue with chatting to Random’s in her presence.

It matters or should matter to her that you spend hours avoiding not public speaking or speaking in groups but choosing random weirdos online over her!?

 

If you want help with anxiety issues in real life , then stop indulging in a fantasy world.

Start engaging in real life. Get a therapist if needs be.

 

You opened a can of worms. Deal with it.

 

wow you are so judgemental ...you have literally made that all up ...

 

kindness ..!

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I think sometimes our partners don’t realize we don’t want to be anxious or have anxiety . If we could snap our fingers and not be anxious we would and we DO realise that anxiety is not always realistic. I have anxiety and panic disorder and PTSD. My husband has GAD and OCD. My son has has separation anxiety and spiraling anxiety due to the pandemic.

 

What has helped my husband and I is medication and CBT. Have you had any intervention?

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I don't see that as an anxiety problem. I don't talk on the phone that much, but if I have a lengthy conversation with by brother who lives abroad or have lengthy conversations with a friend which is rare, I go into the bedroom because I'm not comfortable with my husband being in the same room.

 

If you're making these voice calls from a desktop computer, you need to switch to something like downloading the WhatsApp on your phone so that you can be mobile and go into another room or the backyard when you make your calls. Because yeah, I wouldn't be happy if I was expected to clear out every time my partner wants to make a call. It's his responsibility to remove himself.

 

Give her a break that she got peeved about that revelation and snapped at you. Her problem didn't involve you. Yours involved her. You're comparing apples to oranges. She vented about the slight and for her, it's over.

 

Happy relationships involve a healthy balance of time together, time apart, and time alone. Just make sure the time you spend making calls isn't done so much that it negatively affects your relationship with your partner.

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Good for you for being willing to seek other options and perspectives.

 

Maybe it's worth asking yourself where these anxieties are coming from. Are you worried about being judged for what you say around your partner? Has your partner met these friends? Do you feel your partner listens in or always asks questions afterwards? How long have you lived together?

 

I don't see how you can understand yourself or where all this is coming from if you don't try to understand what's causing this welling up of fear. She got very impatient with you and that's not a good sign to me. Have you both been arguing about things like this for awhile? It reads like she's fed up with you and just about at the end of her leash walking on eggshells around you. I'm sorry to say - not a good dynamic overall. Maybe you need to be around someone much more understanding or knows how to deal with your requests. I can see how this is so exhausting for both of you.

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First of all, let's talk about timing.

 

If I understood correctly, she had just shared something about her problems with you and after she was done, you basically turned the conversation to make it about yourself. You may not realize it, but the way that comes across is dismissive and self centered. A case of "oh you've got problems, well let me tell you about MY problems." When your partner is upset about their own issues is not the time for you to step in and share yours. As you can see, it backfires as the person you are talking is already not in a good emotional place themselves and you are adding to their burden and wanting their attention and support on you.

 

So was it nice that she blew up? No, but rather predictable.

 

It's not that you shouldn't talk about these things, but do try to be more mindful when you choose to do that.

 

As for your so called anxiety (bear with me please) about talking on the phone while she is the room, most people are not comfortable with that. Sometimes it's OK, sometimes you simply don't want anyone listening in to your conversations and it's nothing to do with secretiveness so much as simple privacy. When you chat with your friends, you want to relax and chat away without someone eavesdropping on the one side of the conversation. Basically, what you are classifying as anxiety is really quite normal desire for privacy for most people. So maybe instead of self diagnosing, talk to a professional and get a better handle on what is and isn't normal. You don't seem to have a very good grasp on emotions or feelings at large considering that you are asking strangers how you should feel.

 

That said, the solution is for you to leave the room when you want some privacy. It is never on your partner to have to leave or keep out of the room just because you want to talk to friends. Telling her that you want her to leave the room when you are talking is more than just a little inappropriate even if it's not what you meant. It does sound like something that's been going on though in the past? Again, this is self centered, tone death behavior on your part.

 

If a partner told me to leave the room just because he wants to chat with friends, I would leave permanently. Just pointing out how bad your statement was. Her reaction is really not so bad considering...... Not condoning calling you delusional, btw. Thing is you both behaved poorly in the heat of a moment. How should you feel about that? That's up to you. Nobody can tell you how to feel.

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How has your relationship been going in general, OP?

 

I'm getting a lot of resentment in her reaction to this, and wonder what other issues might be boiling beneath the surface. I am curious if she fears you're trying to hide something by not wanting her around when you place these calls, or if she's feeling rejected or plain frustrated by other things.

 

Are you currently receiving any sort of treatment your anxiety?

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For someone that lives with anxiety, having people tell you to just fix it isn't helpful. That's why it's called 'living with it' Yes we can medicate, go to therapy but there isn't a magic fix that makes it go away.

Everyone has a struggle of some sort. Anxiety is a disorder people learn to live with and we adjust ourselves accordingly every day and learn coping skills in an attempt to live a normal life. 'Normal' being relative here. This is our normal.

Treament helps but it doesn't make it go away.

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