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My boyfriend breakup with me after his father passed away


Mayo l22

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Hello everyone , Me and my boyfriend have been friends since 1 year and in relationship for almost 3 years , things where going normal in our relationship , until his father got diagnosed with cancer 1 year ago I have been by his side since this , however his dad passed away few months ago , and my boyfriend totally changed , I understanded and give him his time and was by his side all the time , I really felt his pain and did all I could to make him feel better and never left his side when he needed me, however it was not enough and he decided to breakup with me saying he don't care about any one after his father died , I told him to let me by his side and that we can fix this together, he agreed eventually and we met few times since then but we had very small argument and next day I called to check if he was okay he told me he don't want to talk and want to end this relationship , I asked him what I could possibly did wrong he said he lost feelings for me and don't see future with me or anyone at this time, I didn't know what to do I told him to do what ever makes him feels better , he contacted me next day and told me if I needed anything he is still around but as a friend , I told him same for me , and I haven't contacted him 3 days now , I feel heartbroken I don't know what I did wrong , and why he lost feelings for me

If anyone could help I would be grateful , thanks for your patience.

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Sorry to hear this. Let him grieve in his own way and in his own time. Let him be around his friends and family. Crowding someone this much can force them to push back.

 

Try not to suffocate people. There is just way to much "by his side" here, as if you wanted to accelerate this grieving so things would get back to normal.

 

Give him space and Do not contact him unless he reaches out. It would be best to stop trying to fix him or cheer him up.

his dad passed away few months ago , and my boyfriend totally changed

I asked him what I could possibly did wrong he said he lost feelings for me and don't see future with me or anyone at this time

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I thought it was helping , I really cared about him and knew how he felt , so do you think if I no contacted and focus on myself there will be a chance of getting him back ? It really hurts when he said he lost feelings for me and I find to distance myself is the only way to help

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Just give him space. It's your only option. He may have said things to push you away and have room to breathe and grieve. It's hurtful, but he's not in a good state of mind right now.

It really hurts when he said he lost feelings for me and I find to distance myself is the only way to help
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I'm sorry. This does hurt and is confusing. But we all have to respect other people's feelings and wishes. You can't impose your wishes on another person. And it's not healthy for you to try to make excuses for him. By that I mean blaming the dad's death for the break up. A break up is a break up. The reason doesn't matter.

 

I tell you this not to be harsh, but sometimes giving an excuse or blaming an excuse, makes us have hope and excuse bad behavior. Let him go completely. That's the only way to do best by yourself. Which ironically is the only real shot at someday in the future. Should your paths cross again. Crazy. I know.

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I think you need to focus on yourself, period. Press time out on the situation and don't keep trying for it anymore. Consider this over. It hurts but give it a few weeks and let things settle for awhile. You have to decide whether you want to be with someone who cuts you off this way regardless of what's going on in life. It doesn't sound like the relationship was stable to begin with. Was it long distance? Have you met?

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It wasn't , we live far away but we met alot, we met after he decided to breakup first time , things where fine he said he regretted it and will never do it again, we even kissed and hugged , he said he loves me after that , but few weeks later he breakup with me just like that.

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It wasn't , we live far away but we met alot, we met after he decided to breakup first time , things where fine he said he regretted it and will never do it again, we even kissed and hugged , he said he loves me after that , but few weeks later he breakup with me just like that.

 

For your own sake and mental health, consider it over. This person has too much going on to be in a stable or loving relationship. Grief hits people in different ways but it doesn't mean relationships end in the process. It's one thing to ask for patience and a time out and another to break it off repeatedly. I think you should be wary and cautious of individuals who, while dealing with their own issues, use you as a punching bag. He ends the relationship likely knowing that you'll stick around and put up with his behaviour.

 

All of this hurts because you've got love blinders on. Think of your own best interests and what you'd have rather seen in a partner. You can remain compassionate about his situation but it doesn't mean you enter any romantic relationship with him in the future. Stop being that punching bag for someone else. Give him the space he requests and don't keep running yourself into the ground or waiting for him to work through his grief or putting yourself out there only to walk on eggshells if anything big happens in life.

 

Think about it this way - let's say another painful event or loss happens again in life, do you see yourself with a person who breaks up with you again?

 

Take your time and think about things carefully. Just while he's asking for space, take that space for yourself also and think about both of you as people and how you handle difficult situations.

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So it wasn't my fault? That I cared too much and always was there for him ,I admit that I daily asked him how he was doing and that I'm always here for him , but I thought it was normal to help him going through his grave , I just want to know if i did something wrong that leads him to lost feelings for me

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It doesn't matter who's fault, unfortunately. It's over. Treat the thing as the outcome itself, nothing else. He has to work through all that grief. I don't recommend being friends with someone you still have romantic feelings for. Take care of yourself and encourage him to seek his own support network for support and care, wish him the best with everything. You need time to heal from the break up.

 

The death of his father and the break up of your relationship are two separate events. Don't treat them as one and the same. Hope you also find healing and peace after all of this. I'm sorry this is happening. Let this person go.

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Unfortunately he's been trying to end it for a while. Perhaps because LDRs are difficult, perhaps because he is simply not that interested. So your clinging during his grieving was a good reason for him to finally end things. Do not chase on/off relationships or LDRs.

we live far away but we met alot, we met after he decided to breakup first time , but few weeks later he breakup with me just like that.
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I will not chase but what you guys don't understand is that I gave him space when he needed , I was there because I know it's hard for him I can't just let him be alone and after his father death he was fine for about 2 months later , and I kept things cool for his own sake, so it's not like I was needy I just wanted to be with him I didn't ask him to stop grieving or to be normal I know it take years but still what happened happens,

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Some people do crazy things when in deep grief. My ex dumped me when his father died tragically in a car accident. They push everyone away, cheat/have an affair/sell everything off and travel, start seeing someone new right away, some reflect on their current situation and reject it, etc. The pain is so bad, they do stuff like that to escape it, feeling their own mortality, life is upside down, empty. Perfectly normal. Best thing you can do is back away, and leave him be.

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Mayo.

 

The feeling I get is that he would have broken up with you anyhow, not precisely because of his father's death.

 

He lost the feelings because, well, he lost them. It has nothing to do with you doing anything "wrong.

 

"I cared too much and always was there for him"

 

Not a good idea, OP.

 

Caring too much is counterproductive, and so is always being there. It is good to be supportive to others but not to sacrifice oneself into a "too much" and "always" scenario.

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Your BF is crushed by his loss :(. And will be struggling for a while.

 

Is common for our loved ones to pull away- as they struggle to deal with their deep impact.

 

You were there for him yes.. but just couldn't take it, I think.

 

Looks up stages of Grief and just try to take his feelings during this time.

 

I told him to let me by his side and that we can fix this together, he agreed eventually and we met few times since then but we had very small argument and next day I called to check if he was okay he told me he don't want to talk and want to end this relationship , I asked him what I could possibly did wrong he said he lost feelings for me and don't see future with me or anyone at this time,

- Right, just try & leave him be- to try & work through his loss.

 

One thing you can maybe suggest is for him to reach out for some professional help with a grief counselor.

Might do him so good- having guidance as he works through this.

 

Just don't pester him... give him time and space.

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I will not chase but what you guys don't understand is that I gave him space when he needed , I was there because I know it's hard for him I can't just let him be alone and after his father death he was fine for about 2 months later , and I kept things cool for his own sake, so it's not like I was needy I just wanted to be with him I didn't ask him to stop grieving or to be normal I know it take years but still what happened happens,

 

In some respects you were doing what you think was right and supportive, but what you don't know is, if he saw it the same. And sometimes people don't have either the words or the strength, especially in a crisis, to correct you.

 

What it comes down to is, the person not feeling understood by you and shutting down, losing feelings, & wanting away from you.

 

It hurts because you don't click like you once did or as you thought you did. Loss of a parent is a life changing event. Depending on your ages and the level of your relationship, it can be a catalyst to the end or to bring you closer.

 

I'm sorry. It hurts. I know. I think it might help to think about from different perspective. Instead of I did everything for him and it wasn't enough (that's blame, bitterness and holding on)

 

How about this - we had a great run and I'll always wish him the best. (Accepting, forgiving and letting go)

 

When I encounter a bad situation, I always try to think "what would the person I want to be do?"

 

The person I want to be takes care of herself, letting go while looking ahead to better times.

 

What about you? Who do want to be?

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I do understand that being always there pushed him away, but losing feeling for someone can't just happened over a night , and when he first breakup with me he met me he even physicaly contacted with me , he said he loved every part of me , how could he just two weeks later forget this ? I know all your point in that I should let him have time to greave but he asked for my present alot I was there for him because he wanted me.

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This is the truth of the matter, OP.

 

"he said he lost feelings for me and don't see future with me or anyone at this time"

 

For sure he didn't lose the feelings overnight. They just ebbed away. Maybe truly not that strong to begin with.

 

I don't see this as being about "giving space" or otherwise wasting your time. And I still believe it was not due to the bereavement.

 

As Lambert asked:

 

"What about you? Who do want to be?"

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He doesn't want to be with you. Like I said in my previous posts - treat them separately (the break up and his father's passing). It's tempting to excuse one for the other but it prevents you from healing and moving on. You should lead a happy and fulfilling life and start processing this a break up. This means not being around to support him through his grief. He has support for that. Let him be with his family and friends. You need to take care of yourself now.

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