EX Girlfriend and Social Media advice

[mike28z]

You are still a 1 hr plane trip apart?

You need to stop begging and pleading like this. When it's over, it's over.

 

Unfortunately you're in the friend zone. A very common reason an ex may communicate with you like this.

 

Re

 

yes i stopped. I did that once only 2 weeks ago. Ever since I haven't... shes the one who initiates texts..well questions not conversations.

[Rose Mosse]

Question.. look my ultimate goal is to GET BACK with her but of course under new terms from both of us to fix things we ruined in the past due to distance. Right now we have a better chance living in the same country (1hr away plane).

 

For the past 2 weeks, she has been texting first.. just random questions like I mentioned. Not Conversations. I've been replying to her questions normal, not making a convo.

 

Since I want us to work... Should I try texting her about "How is everything with you... etc.." ?? or will that make me look weak??

 

I think it's always best to shoot straight from the hip and be truthful about your actions. You broke up with her and in less than two months you're wanting to get back together. I'm not sure how this wouldn't leave most scratching their head. The trust is broken between the both of you so it's natural for anyone to feel uncomfortable answering your question. The only thing you have to do is accept the past and accept whatever comes in the future. If she chooses not to pursue the relationship any longer, it's a valid choice. The hard part is being confident enough to live without her and move on with your life. This doesn't seem like something you can accept right now so work on that. Worrying about how certain texts are going to make you look is just on the surface - that real work is inside you and what you choose to do regardless of what goes on outside around you or what others decide.

 

If you really do believe in the relationship and breaking up was a mistake, tell her that when you see her face to face. She may not have any answers for you then either so forcing the issue in person might not get you anywhere either. Just focus on finding peace whatever the outcome, even if there are no answers.

 

Good for you for cutting down on the mindless texting (you don't have to reply to her). You can let her know that you care about her a lot and you're available to speak on the phone instead if she would like that. This way you're getting someone's undivided attention and not bits and pieces of erroneous info. It's chipping away at your thoughts and the only thing you should be focusing on is healing past the first break up and focusing on how to be honest. Worry less about what she thinks about you. I think both of you are way beyond that now. I hope the meeting goes well.

[mike28z]

I think it's always best to shoot straight from the hip and be truthful about your actions. You broke up with her and in less than two months you're wanting to get back together. I'm not sure how this wouldn't leave most scratching their head. The trust is broken between the both of you so it's natural for anyone to feel uncomfortable answering your question. The only thing you have to do is accept the past and accept whatever comes in the future. If she chooses not to pursue the relationship any longer, it's a valid choice. The hard part is being confident enough to live without her and move on with your life. This doesn't seem like something you can accept right now so work on that. Worrying about how certain texts are going to make you look is just on the surface - that real work is inside you and what you choose to do regardless of what goes on outside around you or what others decide.

 

If you really do believe in the relationship and breaking up was a mistake, tell her that when you see her face to face. She may not have any answers for you then either so forcing the issue in person might not get you anywhere either. Just focus on finding peace whatever the outcome, even if there are no answers.

 

Good for you for cutting down on the mindless texting (you don't have to reply to her). You can let her know that you care about her a lot and you're available to speak on the phone instead if she would like that. This way you're getting someone's undivided attention and not bits and pieces of erroneous info. It's chipping away at your thoughts and the only thing you should be focusing on is healing past the first break up and focusing on how to be honest. Worry less about what she thinks about you. I think both of you are way beyond that now. I hope the meeting goes well.

 

You’re absolutely right! And i know that I’m an overthinker/analyzer .. and also I’m a person who always wants to KNOW rather than WAIT..no matter if the news is good or bad. It gives me closure to stop thinking.

 

It just sucks to feel this way. We actually broke up once before, and it was my mistake. When she blocked me off... i did everything i can to reach out to her and speak to her every day. Basically showing her how much she means to me.

 

Now when i broke it off... i just expected she’d atleast show me something. I was let down by my own expectations

[Wiseman2]

That is game playing from those silly "get-your-ex-back" sites. She should have blocked you for good if you keep dumping her. Contrary to your misinformation, dumping people does not "reattract' anyone. Leave her alone and reflect on why it's on/off.

Now when i broke it off... i just expected she’d atleast show me something.

[Rose Mosse]

You’re absolutely right! And i know that I’m an overthinker/analyzer .. and also I’m a person who always wants to KNOW rather than WAIT..no matter if the news is good or bad. It gives me closure to stop thinking.

 

It just sucks to feel this way. We actually broke up once before, and it was my mistake. When she blocked me off... i did everything i can to reach out to her and speak to her every day. Basically showing her how much she means to me.

 

Now when i broke it off... i just expected she’d atleast show me something. I was let down by my own expectations

 

This reads to me that she wasn't fulfilling your needs or you weren't feeling as loved or wanted in the relationship - a very, very painful place to be. I feel for you and completely empathize. It may also be the way that she is as a person and you're on different wavelengths. Are you willing to be more flexible or understanding as well if she wants to go out with her friends and doesn't have her phone with her all the time? If she doesn't want to be engaged or married for five or ten years more or if she doesn't want to get married at all, is this something you're willing to accept? What I'm asking is - how much of her do you want to be with as opposed to the idea of being married to someone or having the white picket fence? The reason I ask is because it can feel disingenuous if what you're looking for is the latter and not with her simply for her being her. Are all those future decisions something you're willing to make with a partner (together) or have you already decided that you want all of those things without taking in to consideration what she wants?

 

I think as long as you keep those communication lines open in meaningful ways and listening to each other, it can work. It starts to get a bit blurry and confusing when we want more of something so much that we forget what our partners want too.

 

Since it's long distance, when is being in the same town going to be a reality? Is she to move where you are or are you going to move to where she is? I'm not suggesting living together or getting married either - just being in the same town within a short driving distance so the both of you can actually date in person.

[mike28z]

So I’m willing to accept if she can show me atleast that we have a future by doing that i mean atleast get her family’s approval (that’s how it works here lol)

 

She just moved back so it’s no longer long distance we can see eachother often.

 

At this point i just want to know how she feels about me and also im kinda worried about something some of my friends say (who dont know her) that she might be talking to someone else

 

Because i told them how often i see her online..way more often that usual. At the same time if she did meet someone back in the US which i doubt.. why would she want to start something while she just left for good n back home.

 

I hate waiting to find out and obviously i cant ask her that because it’s going to show im weak or insecure

[Wiseman2]

Are you trying for an arranged marriage? Why do her family disapprove of you. Are you from different cultures, religions, castes? Does your family approve of this dating situation?

at least get her family’s approval that’s how it works here

[Rose Mosse]

So I’m willing to accept if she can show me atleast that we have a future by doing that i mean atleast get her family’s approval (that’s how it works here lol)

 

This seems a bit fast. She just moved back home and you're looking for her family's approval or to be introduced to her family. Am I understanding this correctly? The relationship has been up and down also with issues. You owe it to yourself and the both of you to take things a lot slower and see whether this person is worth spending a future with. You both need a lot of time to smooth out everything that's happened and become accustomed to each other.

 

If things don't work out between the both of you and she finds herself in a very unhealthy or unhappy relationship after introducing you to her family or getting their approval is she stuck with you or does she bring shame on her family?

 

There's a lot of anxiety I'm getting from your writing and I think it's coming from not having had your needs fulfilled and feeling very insecure in the relationship for a long time. Why not give it time to breathe and just date. Take it one step at a time.

[mike28z]

Yes im very stressed and anxious.. especially now after someone seeded the idea maybe shes talking to someone.. I just wana find out to put my mind at ease and let go if it’s true

 

She usually uses her phone to text family. Now she’s back with them... yet been seeing her way too often online. Makes me wonder.. and i dont know how to confront & ask without looking like a needy idiot again

[Rose Mosse]

Practice letting go of those thoughts. It's hard but it's a practice. Don't keep giving into them and don't settle for less than what you deserve either.

 

If she's not willing to meet up with you soon, make up your mind about whether this person is a good influence over your life. I think you need to be more confident about walking away if this isn't good for you. Focusing on gossip and hearsay or talking about her with your friends isn't useful or helpful to you. It doesn't give you any answers. All it does is increase your anxiety with negativity and negative thoughts that go around and around in circles. Put an end to all that negative self-talk. It has to end if you're willing to be more open or neutral about your situation. You do owe it to yourself to be with someone who treats you right too.

 

She agreed to meeting with you in person. When is this meeting?

[Wiseman2]

Who "seeded" this idea? Why shouldn't she be talking to others? You dumped her. Stop stalking her social media and online activity.

 

Ask your parents to take you to a doctor and therapist if you are very stressed and anxious.

Yes im very stressed and anxious.. especially now after someone seeded the idea maybe shes talking to someone.... yet been seeing her way too often online.

[mike28z]

Practice letting go of those thoughts. It's hard but it's a practice. Don't keep giving into them and don't settle for less than what you deserve either.

 

If she's not willing to meet up with you soon, make up your mind about whether this person is a good influence over your life. I think you need to be more confident about walking away if this isn't good for you. Focusing on gossip and hearsay or talking about her with your friends isn't useful or helpful to you. It doesn't give you any answers. All it does is increase your anxiety with negativity and negative thoughts that go around and around in circles. Put an end to all that negative self-talk. It has to end if you're willing to be more open or neutral about your situation. You do owe it to yourself to be with someone who treats you right too.

 

She agreed to meeting with you in person. When is this meeting?

 

I will try to do that and focus on myself. Yes she said she’ll be coming mid October

[mike28z]

Who "seeded" this idea? Why shouldn't she be talking to others? You dumped her. Stop stalking her social media and online activity.

 

Ask your parents to take you to a doctor and therapist if you are very stressed and anxious.

 

Because she did give me the impression that she has feelings and she loves me .. and no one new is in her life. Its just a thought that may help closure for me.. if she is .. then that will help me shut down hope and walk away

[MissCanuck]

But looking at the bigger picture, she was losing interest in the relationship before you actually ended it, no?

[DancingFool]

OP, you simply cannot always lean on other people to alleviate your anxiety or give you closure or do what you do, etc. At some point you have to learn to get a grip and start making correct decisions for yourself, by yourself.

 

What would alleviate your anxiety is not sitting on pins and needles waiting on her to tell you something, but YOU taking a big step back and actually doing what you are totally avoiding and refusing to do - think long and hard about this relationship and whether it is really right or not. I think a large part of your resistance is that deep down you already know the answer you don't want to hear - it isn't right. It's just easier to fixate on her, fixate on forcing things to work if you can rather than owning to some unpleasant truths that maybe this needs to be over and should have been over after the first break up. You are living with the overinvestment fallacy - you've always been pulling this cart, always going out of your way to push and pull and do things and make it work and you can't give up on that investment, it must bear fruit....except that that kind of thinking might well end up being your worst mistake in life.

[mike28z]

OP, you simply cannot always lean on other people to alleviate your anxiety or give you closure or do what you do, etc. At some point you have to learn to get a grip and start making correct decisions for yourself, by yourself.

 

What would alleviate your anxiety is not sitting on pins and needles waiting on her to tell you something, but YOU taking a big step back and actually doing what you are totally avoiding and refusing to do - think long and hard about this relationship and whether it is really right or not. I think a large part of your resistance is that deep down you already know the answer you don't want to hear - it isn't right. It's just easier to fixate on her, fixate on forcing things to work if you can rather than owning to some unpleasant truths that maybe this needs to be over and should have been over after the first break up. You are living with the overinvestment fallacy - you've always been pulling this cart, always going out of your way to push and pull and do things and make it work and you can't give up on that investment, it must bear fruit....except that that kind of thinking might well end up being your worst mistake in life.

 

That’s very accurate. You’re right. I really need to think of ME for once.. I don’t know why I always hold onto hope & second chances.. maybe I shouldn’t anymore. Not worth the pain

[DancingFool]

That’s very accurate. You’re right. I really need to think of ME for once.. I don’t know why I always hold onto hope & second chances.. maybe I shouldn’t anymore. Not worth the pain

 

Just like Rose, I can practically feel your pain coming through your posts, not so much about the break up, but the unanswered investment you've made into this relationship. It sounds like you give, she takes, but rarely gives anything back and deep down it does eat at you and leaves you feeling anxious and insecure....anyone would feel that way when a relationship is uneven like that.

 

My point is, that if this relationship was more even, more of a two way street, there would be no break ups and, more importantly, you would never feel so anxious and insecure. At the very core of it, you wouldn't be pressuring her to start the engagement process IF your relationship was solid and you were both mutually and equally (emphasis added on equally) invested in a future together.

 

Whether the both of you start on the engagement stuff today or a year from now, it wouldn't matter to you so much because you'd feel safe in the relationship and the future together. Unfortunately, instinctively, you know that you are more invested than she is and that's what's driving your anxiety, but also your overall unhappiness.

 

You are desperate for her to validate you, your investment, your feelings, your desire for a future together, and everything you've done for her and THAT is not a good foundation for marriage. The question you need to ask yourself is. "why do I feel so bad, so unsafe with this woman?" Talking about marriage, engagement, a future together should be the height of joy and happiness for the BOTH of you, something you BOTH are eager to talk about, make plans, make a timeline that works, etc, etc, etc. What you are dealing with is the opposite of that heady joy - it's all fear and uncertainty, break ups and make ups and ultimatums....not exactly the stuff of genuine love and freely given commitment.

 

I really hope you do take some very deep breaths, take a huge step back and actually think on all of this instead of just reacting to fear of loss.

[mike28z]

I really need to ask for one final advice, because it’s eating me up every night. I’m in an awkward situation where I don’t know what we are but as u know i do have hope that things might work out when she comes to talk (which i still dont have an exact date)

 

I know it’s crazy, but lately I’ve been seeing her online whatsapp all night from like 12:00 am - 8:00 am (non stop). My gut is telling me that she maybe met and got close to someone in the U.S. weeks before coming back home.

 

Time difference where she is now & USA is (-7hrs USA) so her being up online at 7:00 am means it’s (12:00 am USA time). Like i said..she used to never use her phone or WhatsApp this much.

 

Instead of me waiting like an idiot with hope or might be crushed.. I’m really desperate to know if she has actually met someone and talking to him.. if i know for a fact.. this will hurt me but will definitely give me the closure and acceptance to LET GO.

 

I’m afraid to look weak or needy but I also can’t handle the pain and thoughts of that so i need to know. I’m really in pain. Nothing is able to distract me. Im thinking of texting her the following... u think its a good idea?

 

“Since what im going through now is awkward & it’s confusing for me

 

Id like to ask something just once & would appreciate the respect and honesty from u

 

Have u gotten close to or have been talkin a lot to someone lately, a guy?”

 

Thoughts???

[Wiseman2]

How would you know if people just stay logged in or not? Stop stalking her social media and messaging apps. The assumptions will drive yourself crazy.

[DancingFool]

No, it's not confusing - you and her are broken up. As in over and done. Start working on accepting that instead of treating this break up as some kind of a manipulative game to get your way. You dumped her and did so for good reasons, yet you are behaving like she dumped you. She didn't. You chose to break up, remember? Why? Because you were not happy in this relationship and it wasn't working for you.

 

She is free to do whatever she wants. You are too. Stop stalking her social media. Just stop. This is you tormenting yourself to the point of obsession and it needs to stop. It's not on her to alleviate your self created issues, that's on you. This behavior of yours is going to create problems in pretty much any relationship. It's not that you can't, it's that you don't want to. Big difference. We all have self control, right now you are not using yours.

[mike28z]

Ok i've come to some better understanding and feel a little better and also a bit disappointed. If you could let me know how to move forward.. as you know blocking all thoughts and distractions haven't been working with me. And i have a lot of distractions, but nothing stronger than pain from love.

 

Yesterday, I spoke to her and i had to ask if there's someone new in the picture.. because im in a confusing state now not knowing if i should move on and meet people or wait and not rush.. so i deserve to have this closure from her.. but first note my points below which led to all this confusion

 

1) I know we are broken up, but we decided to TALK as friends until we meet FACE to FACE, which should be mid month if shes still considering.

 

2) The fact we decided to stay friends was a bad idea..it gave me hope that we might fix things one day. Therefore, I haven't been putting effort to move on or meet new girls. I had to stop this by asking if she has moved on and has met someone new (since she has been always online - never was this much before)

 

3) When I asked, I did politely..but she always responds rudely/aggressive not considering my clearly hurt feelings.. She basically said:

• Yes she has been contacting all her friends back from the States all day
   
  
• Yes some are guys, but no one serious and no flirting (can't say it's true or not)
   
  
• Shes not focusing on any guy now because she doesn't want to go through what we did and that she has more important things to focus on (i found that a little rude how she said it)
   
  
• Don't interfere in my life now, as nothing is between us, until we talk.. if you feel awkward and want to move on, go ahead
  

 

I just found her answers being confusing as I was asking the question so it could help me get closure and move on. Like, it's unfair to give me hope one day saying "I still have feelings, I still have our photos hung because i had hope, you're the one I love" but then again Ignore me, act rude when i try to talk to her, giving me mixed signals (nothing is between us but then nothing is there till we talk).

 

 

in summary.. i do feel better now that I let that out of my chest. What bothers me the most now is how she would just randomly text me mostly about her dog.. and one time was asking to watch a netflix movie (we used to do that alot on face time).

 

How should I be reacting as of now? If she texts casually.. like do I be normal?.. do i ignore?... do i say let's not be friends till we talk face to face?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. You need to leave her alone. You are going from a soft breakup of "let's be friends" to her needing to forcefully push you away because of your stalking and interrogating her.

 

Of course she should simply have blocked you, rather than use the friend zone approach. The onus is on you to accept it's over and move on.

[DancingFool]

Look, you cannot be friends or keep talking to an ex because of exactly what is happening - leads to a lot of pain, confusion, hope one day, despair the next. It's messy and it doesn't allow you to start healing and moving on.

 

What she is telling you in a nutshell is that yes, on some level she still cares about you. You dated for a long time and it's not just something she can switch off like a light. However, she is also telling you very bluntly that she IS focusing on herself, her life, other things and is NOT interested in carrying on with you. When someone tells you to go ahead and move on, that's as blunt as a person can be that the relationship is over. She doesn't care if she loses you forever. She is letting you go.

 

You sound like the kind of person who can't be alone for a minute and will probably jump into another relationship immediately. She is telling you that she is NOT like you and is actually enjoying her life free of men and is in no rush to shack up with anyone. Contrary to your attitude that she can't do anything for herself by herself and she needs you, she is doing just fine exactly so - by herself and she is comfortable with that.

 

My advice to you is tell her not to bother with the trip because you already extracted from her the truth you don't want to hear - this is over. Then actually do block, delete, heal and move on with your life. Let this go. At the moment, you are making this break up unnecessarily difficult. Break ups are hard enough as it is, without adding so much drama into it by stalking your ex, chatting, demanding answers, etc. You can stop the pain any time you want you by ending all contact.

[boltnrun]

You said the distance is no longer an issue, then you said she's an hour plane trip away. Which is it?

And...you broke up with her. So you have no right to interrogate her or demand she tell you if she's seeing someone else.

 

It is not her job to soothe your anxiety.

 

BTW, how do your know she's online from midnight to 7 am? Do you stay up all night checking her online status? And when exactly is this in person talk supposed to take place?

[Wiseman2]

Agree, you need to stop obsessing about her and move on.

BTW, how do your know she's online from midnight to 7 am? Do you stay up all night checking her online status? And when exactly is this in person talk supposed to take place?