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EX Girlfriend and Social Media advice


mike28z

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Hello I have a long story about my 4 year break up that I ended (I won't share all the details now) I want to focus on one current issue happening --> (SOCIAL MEDIA EXPOSURE)

 

The break up ended bad, i broke it off and blocked her for a month. Post & during breakup, we were not living in the same city. A month later, I missed her and decided to reconnect with her and stay as friends...but my ultimate goal was to have hope on getting back together.

 

My Ex barely used social media and almost never posts on IG Story. During our break up period, I knew she was going out having fun. But she never posted anything on Instagram Story.

 

After i reconnected with her, we spoke casually as friends. It did annoy me 2 weeks later at one point how she wasn't putting effort in trying to win me back (even though when we first connected she did say she still loved me and wanted to come see me face to face to talk about us). When i confronted her about that, she kept saying why are you pressuring me.. i read online advice and realized pouring emotions to EX is kind of a turn off. I regretted and decided not to have reactions.

 

Moving on to my main question: POSTING STORIES ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Suddenly, after we reconnected, she started to post so many stories of herself biking/at the beach/swim suits - she never did that. We've been all over the world & adventures..she never posts, because she really doesn't care about social media.

 

I'm viewing the stories (and she can see that) but I'm not commenting or bringing it up during texts. My analyzation is that she is probably trying to test me, or maybe make me jealous, or trying to get a reaction from me to see if I've changed.

 

Here's the question: Should I continue viewing her stories normally and stay quiet OR should I stop viewing them completely?

 

-bare in mind, we're not EXs who are not talking.. we are... and planning a face to face talk soon. Thank you

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I think it's not your attention she's seeking with these posts.

 

It sounds like she might be fishing for another guy and hoping he views her stories.

 

i doubt that is the action. I'm her first boyfriend and she isn't the type that goes with guys just easily, she was very hard to get. In our culture, it's not just easy to date or hookup.

 

She has just graduated from the US and moved back home, where she does not have any male friends, and barely any girlfriends.

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Whatever case, I don't think she's that interested in getting back together, mike.

 

Her behaviour isn't that of a woman who really wants to keep you in her life.

 

I haven't explained all my story. But basically, my EX relied on me so much. I've taken care of her more than her family. When I first reconnected with her post-break up. We briefly talked. She did say that

 

"I was always on her mind"

"she didn't know how to reach out by text because she messed up and was afraid"

"she was waiting to fly back home so she could meet me first thing and talk"

"I'm the one that she loves" etc...

 

I'm just getting so many mixed signals and need to figure out how to deal with them.

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And yet... you're still broken up. She still isn't the one driving this face-to-face talk - that's been you.

 

I know it hurts but you need to face reality, and not assume her social media activity has anything to do with you.

 

She just got back home. She said she would be coming in the next week or 2.

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Mixed signals are not good.

If she was interested in reconciliation there would be no signals but clear and concise facts.

 

She is home??? Like in close vicinity? Yet can’t come see you and says she will in the next week or 2?

 

That suggests strongly that she has moved on. As does her changed habits of Instagram posts.

 

You mention culture as being a reason not to easily date , but she doesn’t care about culture because bikini shots doesn’t fit with that.

 

Perhaps you expect her to fit into a perceived picture but she doesn’t.

 

You were “annoyed” she didn’t try to win you back???

Can you please elaborate on that? Why would she want to? What did you have to offer her that would want her to to try??

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Mixed signals are not good.

If she was interested in reconciliation there would be no signals but clear and concise facts.

 

She is home??? Like in close vicinity? Yet can’t come see you and says she will in the next week or 2?

 

That suggests strongly that she has moved on. As does her changed habits of Instagram posts.

 

You mention culture as being a reason not to easily date , but she doesn’t care about culture because bikini shots doesn’t fit with that.

 

Perhaps you expect her to fit into a perceived picture but she doesn’t.

 

You were “annoyed” she didn’t try to win you back???

Can you please elaborate on that? Why would she want to? What did you have to offer her that would want her to to try??

 

close vicinity yes, however as i mentioned due to culture, her family are not open for her to travel easily to another city. A little close mined.

Regarding the photos posted on stories, I know for a face she has almost half blocked... only our close friends and foreigners. For example one of the stories she posted was limited to CLOSE FRIENDS ONLY FILTER - and I was part of that.. sign right?

 

Try to win me back: well because I've done the world for her, I know she loves me. She caused the break up and I left her.. but it was me who reconnected. We did break up once for a week 2 years ago. She broke it off.. but I put way much effort to try to win her back and showing her how much she means to me. Sometimes I just expect others to act the way I would in situations. again my situation posted has is way too brief.. I can post the long version so it may be clear. Just not sure if someone has the time to read 6-7 Paragraphs lol

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What did she do?

 

For reference, how old are you both?

 

28 me / her 24

 

Basically, Moments before the final break up:

 

As of 3 months ago, she had already graduated Masters. But flights were on lockdown due to Covid so she could not return home. From then, I really started to feel her being distant. Maybe it was because of my constant nagging on when is she coming home so we could start the marriage situation with her family. (Due to stupid culture/region issues - marriage between different regions is sometimes frawned upon-so reverse but that’s her family)

 

I overshare my feelings always. And feel she is inconsiderate about them. She started prioritizing me less. Share & care less. And whenever I bring it up, it would turn as an argument of her turning it against me. I felt like she isn't focusing on me first anymore, but focusing on herself. I know losing me would create chaos in her world because I used to do everything for her…Everything!

 

It all started when her phone would turn off every weekend when she was out, and it would frustrate me because I can't ask about her. I felt like she was hiding stuff from me. I told her how much it frustrated me. And yet, it kept happening 4 weekends in a row. I always put myself in someones shoe..I always think "If I was out, my number one focus is to have my phone always on so she could reach me..why isn't she doing the same if she cares?"

 

It kept spiraling from there on. On going fights, and no effort from her side. I later gave an ultimatum and said "I've put up with this for a long time, if you're serious you need to be back soon and talk with your family about us getting married. Otherwise I will no longer wait for you". No Effort again from her side.. Fights kept going on and on.

 

Until one day I caught her in a lie, confronted her with proof, she kept lying. And so I broke us up. Blocked her. She did not have any reaction when I said I'm ending it. No effort to apologize or trying to contact me in any ways.

 

I had tabs on social media, her life turned. She started meeting new people, guys/girls, going out to parties…she did everything both of us were not allowed to do and agreed on.

 

When I reconnected a month later she did apologize and said that she dint know how to apologize and confront by text and wanted to see me face to face as soon as she returned.

 

Suddenly its cold now all we talk about is random questions of her texting me every now and then asking me questions about her dog. + the over posting on social media

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Ok, then it's best if you just go your own ways, since long distance isn't working and just devolved into trust and control issues.

It started off as jealousy from her side during long distance. She dint want me around girls or going to parties without her. Then i felt the same way.
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One thing to note are the actions below that definitely mean something:

 

-shes strong & patient shes used to me fixing past fights always

 

-she was never active on social media, before we met + during our 4 years of adventures. She was Never a social media sharing/posting person.

 

-during the 1 month breakup/no contact period, while she was still abroad & going out always..she never posted

 

-Suddenly, after i made the move to reconnect and talk again as friends she Started to post way too much (back home). Btw back home she basically has 0 social life. No friends, mostly 1-3 close cousins only.

 

What does that mean? That’s what’s making me curious. It’s not her at all

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Good you ended it. You have nothing good to say about her. Is it sour grapes or realizing that it should have ended long ago?

 

I really love her we’re both perfect when we’re together same place. All the fights were caused whenever it was distance.

 

In my mind i hoped after me ending that it would worry her. And me reconnecting would have her make more effort in terms of having me back. Instead that breakup probably made her realize the downs of the relationship which led to have her to want to talk & discuss face to face . Yeah also she never likes to be wrong lol

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The obsession over her has to stop. This means no more social media "tabs". She's shown you how she doesn't like being checked up on on weekends by turning off her phone while you were still together. Leave her alone. This woman wants nothing to do with you. Whatever her background or how much "help" she's needed in the past, it really doesn't look like she needs your help with anything at all from her actions. She doesn't want you and she doesn't need you. I don't mean to be harsh but you're doing everything that she didn't like before.

 

Your best approach is drop everything. Stop the IG checking and other social media stalking. Don't follow her anywhere and don't comment or "like" any of her posts. Leave her alone and let her be.

 

Keep practicing mindfulness and focus in your own life - go back to you. Once you get back there, to yourself, you'll start to see how you've been spending way too much time worrying about this person who's showing you that she doesn't want to have anything to do with you for a long time. I think that dialogue you have with yourself telling yourself that she needs you and that you've helped her is sabotaging your future and best interests. Change all that - it's not the truth but it may be something that you've felt has supported your meaning or purpose for awhile. It's too scary to let go of so try figuring out why. She's appears perfectly fine without you. Best to start seeing things the way they really are.

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The obsession over her has to stop. This means no more social media "tabs". She's shown you how she doesn't like being checked up on on weekends by turning off her phone while you were still together. Leave her alone. This woman wants nothing to do with you. Whatever her background or how much "help" she's needed in the past, it really doesn't look like she needs your help with anything at all from her actions. She doesn't want you and she doesn't need you. I don't mean to be harsh but you're doing everything that she didn't like before.

 

Your best approach is drop everything. Stop the IG checking and other social media stalking. Don't follow her anywhere and don't comment or "like" any of her posts. Leave her alone and let her be.

 

Keep practicing mindfulness and focus in your own life - go back to you. Once you get back there, to yourself, you'll start to see how you've been spending way too much time worrying about this person who's showing you that she doesn't want to have anything to do with you for a long time. I think that dialogue you have with yourself telling yourself that she needs you and that you've helped her is sabotaging your future and best interests. Change all that - it's not the truth but it may be something that you've felt has supported your meaning or purpose for awhile. It's too scary to let go of so try figuring out why. She's appears perfectly fine without you. Best to start seeing things the way they really are.

 

Thanks for the advice. Btw I wasn’t clear the phone shutting off was always due to low battery, happened a lot even when we’re together. That’s why i was saying she was never a person with the phone around her or a person whos active on social media until suddenly now, after we reconnected

 

And still she wants to fly to my city and speak face to face after she said she still has feeings for me + im the one that she loves. If she still dint want me she would have said it by text or phone... right? Why fly all the way.

 

But my concern here was the new social media actions all of a sudden.

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It doesn't matter what she posts on social media. You're getting too worried about small details going from marriage to IG stories. Let it be for now and leave the social media behind. If this is a woman you really see your life with, the last thing on your mind should be what she posts on Instagram, even proud of her at the very most but nothing else, for experiencing and making more out of her life. She also just finished her graduate degree. Why would she want to get married right away or become engaged? She has her whole life to live or at least a few years to experience her career. You're coming across as very suffocating and controlling.

 

It kept spiraling from there on. On going fights, and no effort from her side. I later gave an ultimatum and said "I've put up with this for a long time, if you're serious you need to be back soon and talk with your family about us getting married. Otherwise I will no longer wait for you". No Effort again from her side.. Fights kept going on and on.

 

I know you're frustrated and very hurt by her but she's showing you that whatever you want(marriage) is not what she wants right now for her own reasons. This is no way to propose to someone... as an ultimatum.

 

You deserve way better from someone who actually is ready to be married and more established in their life. That four year age difference might not seem like much at first but in your twenties it's big. This relationship isn't working because you both want different things. The relationship itself is full of issues and both of you can't seem to get along or go a few weeks without arguing. When someone makes you less and less of a priority or leaves you in the dark, it means that that person wants less and less to do with you. Talking with you after the fact (after a break up) may be out of compassion, kindness, for old time's sake(good memories) but from what I'm reading she's growing out of the relationship that the both of you shared and discovering herself in the process.

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It doesn't matter what she posts on social media. You're getting too worried about small details going from marriage to IG stories. Let it be for now and leave the social media behind. If this is a woman you really see your life with, the last thing on your mind should be what she posts on Instagram, even proud of her at the very most but nothing else, for experiencing and making more out of her life. She also just finished her graduate degree. Why would she want to get married right away or become engaged? She has her whole life to live or at least a few years to experience her career. You're coming across as very suffocating and controlling.

 

 

 

I know you're frustrated and very hurt by her but she's showing you that whatever you want(marriage) is not what she wants right now for her own reasons. This is no way to propose to someone... as an ultimatum.

 

You deserve way better from someone who actually is ready to be married and more established in their life. That four year age difference might not seem like much at first but in your twenties it's big. This relationship isn't working because you both want different things. The relationship itself is full of issues and both of you can't seem to get along or go a few weeks without arguing. When someone makes you less and less of a priority or leaves you in the dark, it means that that person wants less and less to do with you. Talking with you after the fact (after a break up) may be out of compassion, kindness, for old time's sake(good memories) but from what I'm reading she's growing out of the relationship that the both of you shared and discovering herself in the process.

 

You do have a point i agree. The marriage was agreed on both of us.. it was more of me saying it’s time to inform your family and see the process (it’s complicated here) .. so i would avoid wasting more time waiting for her.

 

And if she really is pulling away.. she wouldn’t ask to fly to see me to “talk” or tell me non of her feelings ever faded / always on her mind (during the breakup no contact)

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Please read Rose's response—the one you just replied to—again, and slowly. Then read it again, more slowly. Listen to the words, which I sense is something you struggle with, rather than looking for a way to refute them, rebut them. If you can do that—if you can find a way to be humble—I think a lot of what is confusing you right now will become clear.

 

I know you're hurt right now, and for that I'm sorry. But you tone here? I'm not sure you realize how condescending it is, how possessive, how dismissive of her agency and free will. The overall impression is that what you really want is not to understand the Instagram stuff, but to figure out why she's not behaving like the 20 year old woman she was, once upon a time, and to see what you can do to stunt her growth so she re-grows back into a shape you prefer.

 

Social media means...well, not much. Ever. If I had to guess why her habits have changed, I'd say she's looking for ways to reclaim herself, to assert herself, to not be or feel defined as being solely connected to you, to having to cater to your needs, your feelings, and the pressure you put on her to feel what you feel, want what you want. A shot of her biking, of her at the beach—yeah, it's superficial, but maybe that's just what just needs, right now, to give herself a little boost, to find her footing as a woman transitioning to a new moment in her adult journey. Doesn't really have anything to do with you, in short. That's just your ego playing games with yourself, to distract you from the hurt in your heart.

 

I think you know she's pulling away. I think, deep down, you know that's maybe even what's best, right now, for both of you. And I think you are looking for ways to avoid the knowledge, and presently finding it by analyzing her Instagram stories, finding ways to make it all about you. This is one of those moments where you kind of have to check yourself and ask: Is this really who you want to be, right now? Is this really the sort of behavior you think leads to romantic harmony? Asking those questions, rather than questions about her posting habits, will be beneficial, I think.

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I'm curious why you think this relationship is a good idea? I can really feel your pain and loss and I think you're responding to that pain and wanting the relationship back to the way it was perhaps at the beginning. Is this correct? The breaking up and lingering feelings don't solve the problems of the past though.

 

One month isn't enough to get over someone or heal from a years-long relationship so her saying those things or you saying those things don't strike me as surprising or unpredictable. There's the routine and the safety and the familiarity of a long term partner that adds to all that along with feelings of affection - all very strong and difficult to work through. It takes time to eventually fade and everyone is different in how they overcome or process overwhelming emotions during a break up. I don't think one month is enough to figure out whether the break up was a good idea but if you were doing it to make her realize what a great guy you are or as a last ditch effort to make her realize what she lost, so to speak, I think that type of manipulation will backfire. From what I'm reading, it doesn't sound like you were intending for this to happen. It happened because things were so bad and so painful for you that you had to cut her loose.

 

You both weren't getting along at all so breaking up and getting back together isn't going to solve any issues. I think it's going to cause more issues in the long run because now there's a two-time record of you both having an on/off relationship. It's tumultuous and trust has eroded. There were blow ups and ultimatums and you feeling so taken forgranted and broken that you felt that it was necessary to break up.

 

Does any of this make sense or is it too painful right now? You might have to work through it on your own and that takes time.

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Please read Rose's response—the one you just replied to—again, and slowly. Then read it again, more slowly. Listen to the words, which I sense is something you struggle with, rather than looking for a way to refute them, rebut them. If you can do that—if you can find a way to be humble—I think a lot of what is confusing you right now will become clear.

 

I know you're hurt right now, and for that I'm sorry. But you tone here? I'm not sure you realize how condescending it is, how possessive, how dismissive of her agency and free will. The overall impression is that what you really want is not to understand the Instagram stuff, but to figure out why she's not behaving like the 20 year old woman she was, once upon a time, and to see what you can do to stunt her growth so she re-grows back into a shape you prefer.

 

Social media means...well, not much. Ever. If I had to guess why her habits have changed, I'd say she's looking for ways to reclaim herself, to assert herself, to not be or feel defined as being solely connected to you, to having to cater to your needs, your feelings, and the pressure you put on her to feel what you feel, want what you want. A shot of her biking, of her at the beach—yeah, it's superficial, but maybe that's just what just needs, right now, to give herself a little boost, to find her footing as a woman transitioning to a new moment in her adult journey. Doesn't really have anything to do with you, in short. That's just your ego playing games with yourself, to distract you from the hurt in your heart.

 

I think you know she's pulling away. I think, deep down, you know that's maybe even what's best, right now, for both of you. And I think you are looking for ways to avoid the knowledge, and presently finding it by analyzing her Instagram stories, finding ways to make it all about you. This is one of those moments where you kind of have to check yourself and ask: Is this really who you want to be, right now? Is this really the sort of behavior you think leads to romantic harmony? Asking those questions, rather than questions about her posting habits, will be beneficial, I think.

 

All the points are valid i get it. What im trying to understand is the TIMING of her actions. I would understand if shed be posting bikini pics during us not talking right after the breakup.. but why now suddenly after I reconnected.. if u see the pattern below

 

A) all is perfect

B) she starts less prioritizing or atleast i felt that

C) Me complaining about it, no change

D) more fights (4weeks)

E) caught her in a lie

F) i breakup . Silence for a month

G) i reconnect again things go well she informa me that she wants to meet and talk and that she still has feelings but we need a serious real convo

 

H) she starts being cold again, but still texts me random things. Starts posting on social media waaaay too much (while she never did) + she tells me shes planning to come see me in less than 10 days

 

Id understand if ACTION “G” took place during “F” to like provoke me or make me miss her

 

But you see the timing is just weird

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I'm curious why you think this relationship is a good idea? I can really feel your pain and loss and I think you're responding to that pain and wanting the relationship back to the way it was perhaps at the beginning. Is this correct? The breaking up and lingering feelings don't solve the problems of the past though.

 

One month isn't enough to get over someone or heal from a years-long relationship so her saying those things or you saying those things don't strike me as surprising or unpredictable. There's the routine and the safety and the familiarity of a long term partner that adds to all that along with feelings of affection - all very strong and difficult to work through. It takes time to eventually fade and everyone is different in how they overcome or process overwhelming emotions during a break up. I don't think one month is enough to figure out whether the break up was a good idea but if you were doing it to make her realize what a great guy you are or as a last ditch effort to make her realize what she lost, so to speak, I think that type of manipulation will backfire. From what I'm reading, it doesn't sound like you were intending for this to happen. It happened because things were so bad and so painful for you that you had to cut her loose.

 

You both weren't getting along at all so breaking up and getting back together isn't going to solve any issues. I think it's going to cause more issues in the long run because now there's a two-time record of you both having an on/off relationship. It's tumultuous and trust has eroded. There were blow ups and ultimatums and you feeling so taken forgranted and broken that you felt that it was necessary to break up.

 

Does any of this make sense or is it too painful right now? You might have to work through it on your own and that takes time.

 

Please see my post #24 regarding the timing of these actions that are making me curious.

 

Also, during the breakup silence I actually forgot about her kind of moved on. But here’s the thing .. im a person who loves closure and straight to the point. I’m not worried about getting back.

 

I’m worried about the mixed signals, one day she says she still has feelings, one day it’s like I don’t exist. I don’t like these games... i just want to know what she wants so i can accept it and move on. She’s was my best friend and i need that closure to move on or have hope.

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