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My SO told me to get the f**k out his house at 2 am...


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We’ve dated for about 2 years. He has pretty bad communication issues. He recently he agreed to go to couples therapy together. The last few months have been pretty rocky and we broke up. We got back together with the plan to go to therapy. Things had been going well.

 

We’ve spent this weekend we had a great time. Went to brunch, talked about my lease being up in may so that we could live with each other, picked out children’s names, etc. Yesterday, we had another really good day - there was a live band at the park and he pulled me in to slow dance. We get back home around 6 pm. He’s watched football, I’m browsed Reddit (I don’t watch football), then he and I made dinner together. As we’re eating were talking about raising kids. He tells me he’s going to raise his son differently than the girl. He goes on to say if he gets bullied and starts to cry he tell him to stop because, “I don’t want a crybaby ”. I turn to him and tell him that’s unacceptable and boys need to be able to express themselves. How most men are taught not to express themselves which tends to lend itself to unhealthy relationships. He responds with how he’s not a bad guy and his dad raised him that way. I reminded him how he threw raw chicken at his friend/roommate and called him a which ultimately got him kicked out because it was the friend’s apartment. How he recently tore down a scoreboard during one of his games. I pulled up an article to show him the studies that backed up what I was saying. He said he doesn’t want a weak son and I told him well if he did that I would go to my son and tell him not to listen to what he said because it’s okay to be upset and to tell me what’s wrong. He walked to the kitchen and said I better not tell his son not to listen to him.

 

He then walked the dog and I could tell he seemed off when he came back. He said he was tired and was going to bed. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fine. He wasn’t upset, he just couldn’t sleep. I offered to rub his head to help him fall asleep. He kind of chuckled and said no that’s okay. He was still tossing and turning 30 minutes later. I go to give him oral (makes him relax) and he rejected me. He said, “you had all day to do that, now you want to be affectionate with me when you think something is wrong. No.” I just go out in the living room to watch TV so that I could leave him alone, plus I couldn’t sleep either. He got a new system so I didn’t know how to use it.

 

I put on a hoodie and decide to go outside to get some fresh air. I sat on the front steps. I’m gone for 5 minutes and he called me asking where I was. I told him I was sitting outside because I couldn’t sleep. He said, “That’s it. Come inside and pack all your sh*t and get the f*ck out”. Im shocked. I go inside in disbelief and he locked me out. He lets me in and I ask him what’s his issue with me sitting outside. He just kept shaking his head and saying he’s done and to pack up my **** -he never told me what was wrong. I asked, “is this how a man treats a woman? Kicks her out in the middle of the night?”. He said, “you can take your a** to the couch but you need to leave in the morning”. He goes on to say how I don’t make him happy, he was at his best this week and I still couldn’t give him what he needed, and I shouldn’t tell him how to raise his son (imaginary one). He pulls out his phone and said,”this is how done I am. I’m deleting the highlights of us together off my Instagram right now” and proceeded to remove it. I pack up all my stuff and he offered to help me take the things to my car (we’re in DC). I declined and said, “I don’t want any help from a man who kicks out a woman at 2 am”.He said, “I told you that you could leave in the morning but you want to be dramatic, as usual”. I walked out with my things.

 

40 minutes later after I’ve left/3 am he unfollowed me on social media. Unfollowed my friends too (all of the social media is so juvenile). Started following this one woman he knows that I don’t particularly care for. This morning he sent me a picture of a bag of clothes that I left and said, “please come get this ASAP”. I told him I was at work and would try to come get it later but if he had such an issue he could drop it off at the front desk of my apartment. He said, “let me know when you get here and I’ll leave it out front.”

 

I’m shocked. Hurt. Confused.

 

Where did all this come from? The say before he was asking ME when I could move in, but now I don’t make him happy and to get out? I don’t understand it. I still have no idea why he got angry.

 

 

Believe it or not he’s 30 by the way.

Edited by HeartGoesOn
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This is a total jerk in more ways than one. Why on earth do you want this man back? He is extremely rude, insensitive, verbally and emotionally abusive.

He has already showed you that if you ever had children with him, he's going to be emotionally abusive towards them if not worse.

 

This isn't love, it's toxic and you need to get out. It's never been a good relationship and all you will get is a life of hell if you stay with this man.

 

DON'T go back. DON'T talk or message him. Find family or friends to stay with and get away from this mess.

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It's unclear. You were dating others while with him? Is this an on/off relationship? It sounds quite volatile and fueled by an abusive temper and attitude.

 

"Couples therapy" indicates that you should end this. He seems violent and you are trying to fix and change him. Stop talking about kids when you can't get along. You both seem to argue for the sake of arguing.

 

No couples therapist is a magician in this case. Stop doing that and get individual therapy and start reading up on red flags for controlling and abusive relationship.

 

He is not a 'poor communicator' at all. He just likes to keep you guessing as a form of having the upper hand, walking on eggs to have the power. Is he a heavy drinker or drug user? Do these violent fight happen while drinking?

03-09-2020: I had this date set up with this guy a few weeks ago for that evening.
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It's unclear. You were dating others while with him? Is this an on/off relationship? It sounds quite volatile and fueled by an abusive temper and attitude.

 

"Couples therapy" indicates that you should end this. He seems violent and you are trying to fix and change him. Stop talking about kids when you can't get along. You both seem to argue for the sake of arguing.

 

No couples therapist is s magician in this case. Stop doing that and get individual therapy and start reading up on red flags for controlling and abusive relationship.

 

He is not a 'poor communicator' at all. He just like to keep you guessing as a form of having the upper hand. Is he a heavy drinker or drug user? Do these violent fight happen while drinking?

 

We had broken up for a 1.5 months and I had a date. Nothing serious, just tried to move on since I thought it was over. He told me to get out then too.

 

He’s not a heavy drinker. He does have a glass or 2 of wine each night but it’s usually with a meal. I hate to bring this up but he’s a very short man, 5’3. I could be way off base but if I had to wager he has a Napoleon complex.

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6'3' men who keep throwing you out are just plan abusive and volatile, as he is. Don't make excuses or invent reasons why he's abusive..

We had broken up for a 1.5 months and I had a date. He told me to get out then too.

 

I hate to bring this up but he’s a very short man, 5’3. I could be way off base but if I had to wager he has a Napoleon complex.

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Where did all the this come from?

 

Becky, really? Re-read your own post. This is a man with some serious anger management problems, cited with examples of being abusive to a former roommate and losing his crap and tearing down a scoreboard. You know he’s an angry, volatile person. THAT is where it came from - he’s rude and abusive by nature. He barely needs any real reason to fly off the handle.

 

Get away from this guy, or be prepared for a lifetime of verbal and emotional abuse. That hypothetical son will turn out just like him and you’ll continue pandering to him and offering him affection and sex in exchange for respect. This so crazy unhealthy already and you don’t seem to see it yet. Please, be done with this jerk.

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We had broken up for a 1.5 months and I had a date. Nothing serious, just tried to move on since I thought it was over. He told me to get out then too.

 

He’s not a heavy drinker. He does have a glass or 2 of wine each night but it’s usually with a meal. I hate to bring this up but he’s a very short man, 5’3. I could be way off base but if I had to wager he has a Napoleon complex.

 

Nothing at all to do with being short. I think you need to stay away from him. I agree with everyone else.

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He sounds charming.

 

Did you grow up in this environment? Is this why you chose him?

 

You should not be in a relationship with this jerk, and certainly not raising a family with him.

 

What yo see is what you get. Time to accept it!

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You don't seem very compatible with each other OP... you don't like how he reacts, you don't think he will parent the way you want him to or at minimum in a way you can accept... consider this fair warning and be glad you didn't have a child with him... otherwise you would be raising two children instead of one!

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You don't seem very compatible with each other OP... you don't like how he reacts, you don't think he will parent the way you want him to or at minimum in a way you can accept... consider this fair warning and be glad you didn't have a child with him... otherwise you would be raising two children instead of one!

 

So you think this just a compatibility issue?

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He definitely has a history of anger. he kicked you out before.

 

You are kidding yourself that you don't know why he acts this way. It is his coping and dealing mechanism.

 

if you forgive and forget. it basically tells the other person its acceptable behavior.

 

I know we want them to realize how much we were hurt so that they never do it again.

 

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. most of the time anyway. these rages or cheating or lying or whatever the abuse is, is normal behavior to the people that do those things.

 

The anger, the instant unfollowing, the whole "you're dead to me, get the **** out etc routine is also very telling.

 

A grown up doesn't handle things this way with their love. They respect their love and even when they are really angry, they don't go there. Think about that. Do you want to normalize getting tossed out in the middle of the night?

 

Ever hear the saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."?

 

in my life? There is no way I'd deal with his crazy butt. Move on. You are right. men should he raised to have a broader emotional range then zero to anger. Unfortunately, many people-- not just men were not raised to deal and cope with their feelings. Anger is their go to emotion.

 

see this a a blessing and find someone better suited to you.

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Yikes!

 

Please have higher standards for yourself. Nobody should disrespect you in such a way! Once they do, please leave. You need to be single until you can find out why you pick such toxic men.

 

There’s a pattern to what we do if not intentional. We become accustomed too being treated a certain way we subconsciously seek it out in another person. It’s a vicious cycle you can heal from. Get a therapist and find out the source of you putting up with this. Once you learn the value of yourself you’ll find people who value you.

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This was very hard to read. Please take care of yourself and leave this person.

 

You were only together for two years. Let it stop right there. Move on with your life and learn the signs of someone who controls, abuses and manipulates you. I believe Wiseman hit the nail on the head by saying he constantly wants the upper hand. Your life will be a constant tug-o-war, of fights, blow ups, walking on eggshells and eventually you won't believe anything he tells you. Leave now while you are not married.

 

It won't make sense right now because you have those love-blinders on and you feel attached. Give yourself a few months with nothing to do with this person and you'll suddenly realize how peaceful and calm and light your life has become without the constant threat of something going wrong or him losing his temper. These are all threads leading to the same place and you're not seeing it. Don't let this person pull you down. If you've felt sorry for him (he mentioned that's how his dad raised him), don't. There are a lot of sorries in this world. Don't be sorry all your life. Let go.

 

Now that you've left, where are you staying? Don't move back in.

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Why are you picking baby names with a guy you aren't going to marry? I know -- because he threw raw chicken and destroyed a score board and slow dancing, talking about kids, etc, reels you back in. Forget this loser. Block his number and change your locks if he has a key

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He has pretty bad communication issues.

- Yeah, he is pretty messed up, I say.

 

“I told you that you could leave in the morning but you want to be dramatic, as usual”

- Wow, that's low. :(. he is pretty brutal when he is MAD.. eh?

 

As we’re eating were talking about raising kids. He tells me he’s going to raise his son differently than the girl. He goes on to say if he gets bullied and starts to cry he tell him to stop because, “I don’t want a crybaby ”.

I turn to him and tell him that’s unacceptable and boys need to be able to express themselves. How most men are taught not to express themselves which tends to lend itself to unhealthy relationships. He responds with how he’s not a bad guy and his dad raised him that way.

- I think THIS is why he is the way he is. He fails to accept or even realize he has some faults- or he does know of them but this is him.

 

Is this what you want in a Man??

Someone who cannot handle themselves & their moods, etc?

One who is so critical towards his partner?

One who has shown you how he would treat his child?

 

AND, He is all over the place! Why you would once again discuss things like 'your kids'? ( after just spending once weekend back with him- after you two had broken up) - Because HE is fake.

 

This type of person you do NOT want.

 

Stay away- do not play head games with him.. Just stay away!

For your own peace of mind.

 

Focus on YOU for a good while.. accept you are done with this- and maybe continue therapy to work through all you have been through with someone like this.

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This sounds beyond bad. Honestly even just all the comments about having a son would have actually made me end it. Because I would have realised that our beliefs and values are totally incompatible. So therefore what's the point to keep dating? I'm exactly the same as you. I want kids but I don't really believe in gender roles. I've seen first hand what men repressing their mental health and emotions can do. One of my exists repressed everything and he killed himself. If I had a son, I would encourage him to express and show his feelings and emotions in a healthy way. I would teach him how to communicate openly and to never be ashamed to be sad or cry. If my partner said all the stuff, not allowed to cry, suck it up, etc. I would not continue the relationship.

 

Regarding his other behaviours. He is abusive and just sounds like a horrible human being in general. And very emotionally unstable and has anger problems. Which is so obvious by the way he threw the chicken, etc. and kicked you out in the middle of the night for nothing. He doesn’t sound like a healthy individual at all. Don't waste any more time on him.

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It’s very clear from this thread and your previous ones that this guy is not interested in you in the slightest.

 

So be done with him.

It was a relatively short lived relationship that was on /off , it was never going to lead to marriage or babies. Just a waste of time really.

 

Be glad he has deleted you and hopefully he has also blocked you.

Because for some unknown reason you continuously seek validation from him.

Something you will never get.

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I reminded him how he threw raw chicken at his friend/roommate and called him a which ultimately got him kicked out because it was the friend’s apartment. How he recently tore down a scoreboard during one of his games.

 

He threw a raw chicken at his friend???!!!

 

You deserve to be with someone who treats you and others with respect! Even during arguments.

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He has major anger issues that make him an unsuitable partner and a most unsuitable father. The million dollar question is why are YOU addicted to all this unhealthy drama? A person with healthy boundaries would be done with him the first time around, NOT go back and discuss children with him. The guy needs professional help for sure, but imo he was right about you feeding off all this drama on some level. Stop. Be done with him already.

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So you think this just a compatibility issue?

 

I realize this post was directed at another poster - but this is so far beyond a compatibility issue.

 

This man is abusive, full stop. He might not have physically laid a hand on you, but he verbally and emotionally abuses you and others and is generally an a**hole. It is likely only a matter of time until he starts throwing things at you, too. This dude is a ticking timebomb.

 

A serious question, were you raised in a similar environment? It's troubling that you don't seem to see how bad this relationship really is or how dysfunctional even your own behaviour has become. You walk on eggshells and offer head massages and oral sex to "relax" him when he's being a . Where did you learn to reward disrespect at the expense of your own self-respect? And speculate that maybe his height contributes to this? Something in you is trying very hard to normalize and minimize his awful conduct, so I am curious if you have a background of abuse or mistreatment somewhere. It's quite sad. You cannot hear "let's have babies, let's choose their names!" and take it as a sign that your relationship is in a good place and going to last. It's playing make-believe at this stage, in these circumstances.

 

Do you friends and family know he treats you so poorly?

 

EDIT: Your previous threads about him make it clear that this is a dead-end relationship, becky. Why are you clinging on to this so hard? Are you worried you can't do better than this?

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Do you really want this man to be a father to your children? He can't control himself. He'll make you and your children crazy. You're never going to change him. Good riddance!

 

This is a major stroke of luck that you've just had. Seriously. You've just been released from a prison. If you're smart, you won't look back.

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