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15 Years Later I Still Hangout with my Ex


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To make a long story short here we go..

 

My senior year of high school (2006-7) I dated a girl a year younger than me. We were our first boyfriends/girlfriends. We were our first makeout and foreplay. We didn't have sex, basically because she was scared of getting pregnant. We broke up because she thought I was being too serious and looking back I was your typical high school anger fueled jealous type. Shortly after our breakup he dad moved out. She got a new boyfriend a few months later, quickly had sex with him and basically went nuts with guys through college.

 

Throughout all of this I was still there (big regret on my half.) We'd go to dinner, hangout, drink, etc. But nothing "happened" between us, she was the type that always had a boyfriend/sex buddy and it was never me. According to my friends I may have missed some "signs" along the way, but honestly I am the shy/anxious type and my confidence with her was pretty minimal. Her 21-23 birthdays come around and the only guy she invited was me. Around 2013 or so we're texting about meeting up and I'll be honest I was being passive, at one point she stated "you're always so timid with me" which looking back I don't know why someone who is just a friend would say that. Through the years her friends, and even her sister would say things to me like they wish we would give our relationship another chance, etc.

 

We had a little spat around 2015 and didn't communicate from around Sept 2015-Sept 2019. Since 2014 I moved out of state and only visit "home" a couple times a year. During this time we were both in a serious "long term" relationship, which we both thought was heading to marriage. Last September my longtime girlfriend moved across the country and we started a long distance relationship. I was home visiting my parents and decided to ask my ex out to dinner/drinks. She agreed to it and we had a great night and got a little tipsy, at the end of the night we hugged, which was something we had never done before. Last December she turned 30 and she invited me to her birthday bash, but she gave me too short notice to change my travel plans. Turns out I would've been the only guy there who wasn't a spouse/boyfriend of one of her female friends at the party.

 

Last month (August) I visited home and we went out to lunch. She had been asking for a few months when I would be visiting again so there would be no doubt we would meet up. Our lunch turned into about a 2.5-3 hour blast where once again laughed and talked the whole time and got a little tipsy. At the end we ended with a hug. I paid for everything (even though she objected) and later that afternoon I got a thank you text from her.

 

Earlier this month (September) I visited home again and we went out to dinner. We were at the restaurant for about 3 hours laughing and drinking it up. Constant talking, no silence. I had asked her the dinner the night before but she stated she was too tired but then admitted she just ended up binge watching shows all night, I joked I should've came over and she said "you should have." At one point she stated I should've just picked her up for dinner instead of both of us driving. We ended the night, I paid (she objected), we hugged and went our own way. That night she texted me telling me she made it home and thanks for dinner.

 

In the weeks since we've been constantly replying to our Instagram stories, not conversation, just little back and forth jabs.

 

I'll be honest, I am not the most confident guy when it comes to women. I'm shy, quiet, and anxious.

 

What does this seem like to you all? Just a couple of exes who will remain friends and are reminiscing, or two exes who want to see something happen?

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It looks deceiving to me. End things with your long time girlfriend if you're still carrying a torch for your ex.

 

If you're not confident enough to break up or stay single for awhile, you're not going to be confident being in any other relationship going forward. All you're doing is hopping from one station to another, not processing or taking your time to discover things about yourself as an individual. Does your girlfriend know you're spending time with this person?

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You don't live near each other so why does it matter? Would you move back home for this woman? Step back and ask yourself some hard questions before you think about her as a gf.

 

If the answer is yes I would move back home to where she lives for her then you need to find some bravery.

 

Really what are you scared of? You have known her forever and know she will not be cruel so what is so scary? Obviously you want a relationship with her and have for years and years so the next time you are back home pick her up for dinner, take her home and make your move. Leaning in for a kiss I think would be the best idea instead of talking, that can come later.

 

I have been in a similar situation. We had never dated but knew each other for 10 years. I was single and she was about 2 years out of a divorce so I decided to ask her out. I had the phone in my hand ready to push the little green button at least 15 times over a couple of months until one day I realized I was being a huge kitty cat so I called. She said yes and we went on a few dates and had a great time. It didn't work out because some guy she had dated 6 months earlier heard she had gone out with some guy (me) a few times and he circled back and asked for a second chance. They had history so I was out. The only regret I have is that I waited so long to do something so simple.

 

It seems scary but it is only scary in our minds. I am sure you have done way scarier things in your life as I have. Hell I have reached into a burning van and pulled out two people, nearly died several times on my motorcycle and on and on and i was afraid to make a phone call???

 

If you don't do this it will impede your life. How many women have you compared to her? How many times have you had her in the back of your mind when you were dating someone else? The time his now to poop or get off the toilet.

 

Be brave and go for it, trust me no matter what happens it will not be fatal

 

Lost

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but honestly I am the shy/anxious type and my confidence with her was pretty minimal. Her 21-23 birthdays come around and the only guy she invited was me

- Because all she saw you as, was just a 'friend'. IF you always had a thing for her.. yah, woulda been best to remove yourself, totally.

 

I say, is way too long for you to keep wondering about all of this & her.

 

YOu are just one of the 'buddies' for her. No more.

 

So I suggest you stop seeing her in different manner. Accept, move on- from any other idea. ;)

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Unfortunately this is what it seems like. It sounds like you are not dating/in a relationship locally? Is she involved with anyone?

 

I have been long distance with my current girlfriend for over a year now (east coast vs west coast.) And honestly things are not going well with it, I don't see it lasting till the end of the year. Even my ex is suggesting we break up, we're both not happy in the relationship anymore due to the distance.

 

My ex is not in a relationship with anyone, a few dates here and there but no "boyfriend"

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OK dude listen, after fifteen years I really think you should just tell her how you feel. Maybe some people might say it's bad advice but I'm the kind of person where if I have feelings for someone, I just NEED to know. As they say: "You miss 100% of shots you don't take". Just be prepared that she may not want to actually date, she might just want to be friends. I think make a decision and stick to it. What I mean is, either you just go all out and you go for it, or you push down your feelings really for good and move on and only be her friend. Personally if it was me I would go for it. And I'm actually a woman, albeit a very outgoing one lol If I liked a guy I would tell him about it. I have been rejected a few times before but after that I actually felt much better and felt closure. I'm not sure why your ex hasn't made a move on you herself all these years. She seems very confident with guys so yeah maybe she has just friend zoned you. But really unless you ask her, you will never know. Then of course if she does want to try dating, you need to end it with your girlfriend. Don't cheat on her.

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I think you need to end it with your girlfriend, cool off and don't date for awhile and spend more time on your own. Jumping from one relationship to another is a bad idea. You obviously have the hots for this person but there's a real risk of you looking at her through rose-coloured lenses because it's everything you lack in your current relationship. You're basically not seeing this person from your past for what she is and whether she's someone you want to date at all if you treat her as a rebound.

 

If this person(your "ex") has any sense she would ask you when your last relationship was and if she's serious about you, not toying with you, she wouldn't date a man who's just out of one or who's just broken up with his girlfriend.

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First off I think you need to end things with your current girlfriend. You are already betraying your current relationship with the torch you bear for your long ago ex, even more so now that you are here asking these questions. This is not fair to your current girlfriend; you need to be honest with her first and foremost.

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If you're in a relationship, long distance or not, it makes no sense to position your ex in a front row seat to watch your capacity for disloyalty. End it with the GF if you want out of that, and then you can operate as a free agent--an ethical one.

 

Otherwise, even if you 'win,' you lose, because it will take about 5 minutes to occur to your ex that you're trying to promote her from the one who you're disloyal 'with' to the one who you're equally capable of being disloyal 'to'.

 

Not a good look.

 

Grow a pair. From there, you'll have options. Before then, you'll just come off as a wimp who's too afraid to let go of someone's apron strings despite unhappiness.

 

There can be no 'love' without respect. If you want respect, behave respectfully and respectably.

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If you are in a relationship, handle that relationship first. It is not fair to any of the three of you to pursue something until you have worked out your relationship. You need to really look at how you feel about your girlfriend and if you two can work out whatever issues have come up. You should also take a look at yourself and make sure you are comfortable with who you are. If things don't work out with your girlfriend, make sure you aren't just rushing to any relationship to fill a void. That wouldn't be fair to your friend either.

 

If you have honestly worked through your current relationship and yourself, and you still feel attracted to your friend, pursue it. If you have been friends this long, there is a reason. She basically asked you to pick her up, take her to dinner, and come over. Not necessarily as a date, but it sounds pretty like one. You both clearly enjoy being around each other. So why wouldn't you give it a try? Even if it didn't work out, you've survived rough times before and remained friends. So you would survive this. But you won't know what will happen unless you try.

 

Oh, and I wouldn't worry about her just seeing you as a friend. Being friends is the foundation of a good, healthy relationship. I've seen plenty of friendships blossom into more. I've seen old flames remain friends and rekindle a romance. And I personally was involved with someone who just started as a friend and who was actually helping me work on an issue I was having with another girl. You never know what can happen.

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