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Breakup out of the blue, was it limerence/infatuation?


James Pohn

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Hi everyone here!

I am new on that forum, and have a hard time understing what happend in my short term (2 month) relationship. Let me explain it quickly:

 

I met a girl (28) and things started really quickly. After a week, i saw her parents, after 2 weeks she said she wanted to have children with me and that she loved me. She also asked me if " i wanted to keep her for life".

Sometimes, she said some strange stuff like " you will dump me in a few month like everyone else" or that "i will be afraid when i will see her dark side".

Anyway, we continued for 2 months, i had the best "sex" in my life. But suddenly, 4 days after -again- she talked about children ("if we have children they will have blue eyes, blabla..) she acted differently. She told me she had problem at work, that her life was not so good. By actually speaking to her, she eventually told me that she wanted to end the relationship.

At the breakup, i didn't say a thing, because it was really out of nowhere for me. I was shocked. She just said " i did nothing wrong" and "its not you it's me". Now, after 2 weeks, i processed it but thought about it a lot, and have a lot of questions. I tried to contact her to talk about that, but she didn't answer.

 

I am left alone trying to understand how it is possible to go from 100% to 0% in a matter of days. I read a little bit about limerence and infatuation. Could that be the answer?

 

I thank you all, as I am pretty lost and ask myself what did i do wrong, or why is it possible!

 

Kind Regards,

 

james

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Sorry to hear this. Wow. So many red flags from quick involvement to declaring love and babies right out of the gate as well as telling you "everyone dumps her"

 

You dodged a bullet. Be glad you found out after only 8 weeks. She seems quite unstable and unable to sustain relationships. Go no contact and block and delete her from all social media and messaging apps. Someone like this may resurface.

-my short term (2 month) relationship.

-I met a girl (28) and things started really quickly.

-after 2 weeks she said she wanted to have children with me and that she loved me.

-she said some strange stuff like " you will dump me in a few month like everyone else"

-She told me she had problem at work, that her life was not so good.

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Could be many reasons.

-depression

-met someone else

-passion burned out

-was dating you and someone else and made a choice

-ex bf contacted her

-self loathing

-she cheated

 

IMO when they say it's not you it's me....they are hiding the truth, either to protect you, or herself.

 

I get it, you want closure, but this is all you are gonna get. Of course you will have a lot of unanswered question, but sometimes not knowing is less painful than knowing.

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Sorry about all this. Can I ask how old you are, for context?

 

While there's no hard science to this, I think it's a pretty safe bet that someone who expresses love and desire to have children with a complete stranger—which, after a week or three, is really all you are—is someone who is not in a very stable place emotionally, not very mature. That fact, of course, is hard to reconcile with the fact that it feels very, very good to have a complete stranger so utterly obsessed with us, so quickly, even when said stranger more or less announces ("You're gonna dump me like everyone else") that what's fueling their fire is weapons-grade insecurity more than anything you're bringing to the table.

 

Good news here? This was just 60 days of your life. Potent as the emotional whiplash is right now—I've been in your shoes!—it's something that will pass pretty quickly. And as you move through it? Perhaps you come to see that you needed this drug-like connection—fierce, fast, but quickly proving itself unstable and even superficial—to refine your compass a bit, to realize that you want something a little more enriching than just purely intoxicating.

 

Might mean you don't get the high of insta-obsession—but, hey, you've learned the potential hangover isn't really worth it. And in letting that go you open yourself up to something even wilder: the high of really getting to know someone, and getting known by someone, which takes real time, real patience, and two people self-possessed enough to not want to lose themselves in others.

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....things started really quickly. After a week, i saw her parents, after 2 weeks she said she wanted to have children with me and that she loved me. She also asked me if " i wanted to keep her for life".

 

^Nothing about this strikes you as completely insane? Red flags bigger than China? Neon flashing signs to sprint to the nearest exit?

 

I really hope you were using condoms with this cray cray woman and if not, get tested for all STD's and pray you didn't get her pregnant.

 

Also, figure out why you were so thirsty that you actually fell for lunacy instead of seeing it for what it is and walking away immediately.

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Thank you all for your quick reply:

@bluecastle: i am 28 years old

@dancingFool: yes, honestly i loved her charisma and really believed in all that. Guess it is a lesson for the future. I should have seen that, or at least expressed my doubts to her.

 

She also said that she had no trust in Men, as everyone cheated on her..but at the same time, wanted to have sex the first night. Guess it' s another red flag right? ^^

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Guess it' s another red flag right? ^^

 

Short answer: YES.

 

Longer answer: Well, it's basically the same thing. Sometimes the hardest thing to do, in these matters, is to brutally call it all for what it is, what it was. You are describing someone who is very unhinged. I am assuming that she was also quite hot.

 

All bears like honey, but the smarter ones? They spot the honey traps, knowing there is a nearby hunter poised with a shot gun, and they look for nourishment elsewhere. Fortunately, for you, this is not a fatal gunshot wound. You had some fun—savor it. The aftertaste is not fun—it'll pass. Reflect a bit, per DancingFool's post, as to why this had such power of you, as to whether there is anything in your life you need to address so you're not so vulnerable to honey.

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Thank you all for your quick reply:

@bluecastle: i am 28 years old

@dancingFool: yes, honestly i loved her charisma and really believed in all that. Guess it is a lesson for the future. I should have seen that, or at least expressed my doubts to her.

 

She also said that she had no trust in Men, as everyone cheated on her..but at the same time, wanted to have sex the first night. Guess it' s another red flag right? ^^

 

Yup, just another red flag. You've got a forest of them really.

 

Also, when it comes to doubts, no you don't express doubts to a person you barely know. What you do is listen to your gut - those doubts is your gut, your sense of self preservation ringing alarm bells and early on, listen and walk away fast. Don't try to rationalize them. The other aspect of this is don't ask a crazy person to relieve your doubts and soothe your alarm bells away. When you are dating, especially those early dates is a time to take it easy, to judge, to see if this is someone you want to see another time. Take it one date at a time only. It is a time to be looking out for cray cray.

 

As Blue said, this kind of intense behavior by a stranger, they want you that badly, can feel really intoxicating, but.....you've got to temper it with the harsh reality - how can they want you when they don't even know you. It's not you they want, it's the high of the chase, the illusion of whoever they imagine you to be. It really shouldn't be intoxicating, it should be scary af....and if it isn't, you are too thirsty and need to work on that.

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Keep your chin up. It stinks to get blindsided by a breakup... regardless of her love bombing and red flags, you trusted and liked this person.

 

You deserved better. So what do you do now? You treat yourself better. Don't reach out again. Delete and block this person. Hang with your friends and family. You'll get through this and meet someone else.

 

And when you do, use this experience to make better decisions. Mainly, time and actions... when someone goes full speed ahead without really even knowing you and makes comments about their own mental state ie insecurities and doubts without you doing anything to make them feel this, pull back. protect your feelings.

 

that's what red flags are for, to protect you. next time don't ignore them. see people for what they show you, not what you wish they could be.

 

we've all been there.. making dumb decisions because we like the person.... it is rough but when you do better for yourself, you'll get out of these situations sooner and feel more confident.

 

cause really that's what you probably lacked... that confidence that you could do better... so you tolerated what you should not have.

 

if I had a nickel for every person that fell victim to this at least once[emoji2957]

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OP. You got your warning there:

 

"Sometimes, she said some strange stuff like " you will dump me in a few month like everyone else" or that "i will be afraid when i will see her dark side"."

 

Melodramatic instability, that's what that is.

 

What Lambert said:

 

"that's what red flags are for, to protect you. next time don't ignore them. see people for what they show you, not what you wish they could be."

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Yes, she was indeed quite hot, if i may say so! I was totally under her charm. But at least knew i hadn't any "love feelings" after a so short period. I didnt' say "i love you too" when she said it.. just said i need more time!

 

Well...not quite totally under her charm. Your head might have been in the clouds, but you did keep at least one foot firmly on the ground. So give yourself credit for that.

 

Might have been just a one off for you. Like other posters have said, whirlwind romance, love bombing - it happens. It's just important to recognize it quickly for what it is and something tells me that you will going forward.

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I met a girl (28) and things started really quickly. After a week, i saw her parents, after 2 weeks she said she wanted to have children with me and that she loved me. She also asked me if " i wanted to keep her for life"

- Moving way too fast! She was very insecure. ( so much in 2 months?) Takes a good while to get to know someone.

 

Sometimes, she said some strange stuff like " you will dump me in a few month like everyone else" or that "i will be afraid when i will see her dark side".

- Uh huh... Red flags.

 

"its not you it's me". Now, after 2 weeks, i processed it but thought about it a lot, and have a lot of questions. I tried to contact her to talk about that, but she didn't answer.

- Nooo, no no... Back away- stay away.. You dodged a bullet.. Totally odd, unstable behaviour- You don;t want/need.

 

I am left alone trying to understand how it is possible to go from 100% to 0% in a matter of days

- Right.. Not Normal.

 

Move along. Do not bother with her again.

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@Dancingfool: and also why i didnt see those as redflags since the beginning is partly because she told me how disapointed she was in men. I just felt i had to reassure her.

 

Ah yes, but that's kind of a manipulative damsel in distress line and yeah, it works - you thought you could prove yourself to her and rescue her, because you know that you are a decent guy. Next time you hear that - RUUUUUUUNNNNN.

 

Healthy women don't go into dating hating or disappointed in men. Even if they had some bad experiences, they will take some time out to work it out, get it out of their system so that when they do date, they actually are genuinely open to a real connection. Basically, if you are looking for a relationship, look for a person who is in a healthy place to engage in one. No damsels in distress need apply.

 

In fact, people who are in an emotionally good place to date, won't be interested in discussing their past relationships, ex's, disappointments, etc. They'll be much more interested in the present - getting to know you, having a good time learning about each other. No fake bonding over "problems".

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Absolutely DF!

 

"In fact, people who are in an emotionally good place to date, won't be interested in discussing their past relationships, ex's, disappointments, etc. They'll be much more interested in the present - getting to know you, having a good time learning about each other. No fake bonding over "problems"."

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Well I think it's true, it's not you, it's her! She actually doesn't sound emotionally mature or stable. At least not in romantic relationships. She's not a teenager, she's 28 years old. So after one week of dating acting like you're a perfect movie couple, meeting parents, talking about having kids, is crazy. A lot of people post on these forums about their relationships that moved too fast and they were very "crash and burn". A healthy relationship takes plenty of time to actually develop. If after a couple of weeks someone is saying things like: "You're the one, I wanna have kids with you", most likely they are just projecting. They don't really know you yet and this kind of behaviour shows they just so desperately want "someone". And after a couple of months they dump you because they realise you don't actually match the fantasy they had of you in their mind.

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Yes..Well talking about what we want in a couple at the beginning I agree, like to say one time i want children.

Here its more the way she said it "i want to have children with YOU" that sounds ...weird.

Plus I guess if she really "loved" me..love doesn't fade within a week right ?

Nice day to everyone!

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