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I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was a child. From what I recall, the bulk of the abuse took place when I was 6 to around 11. However I do remember he tried to do it again when I was 12, and at that stage, I knew it was wrong, and managed to get away. He is five years older than me. I think my mother knew what was happening. I once kicked in the glass front door in a temper when they left us alone and she asked me "do you be alright with him here by yourself".

 

The abuse has shaped my life in many ways. For years, I identified as lesbian. It's only over the last few years I realised that I was afraid of being intimate with men and felt safer with women. I struggled with an eating disorder in my teens, and have battled alcoholism from my early twenties, and this is a demon I still fight unfortunately.

 

For me, the biggest complication has been my parents' response to the abuse. I kept it from them for years, and I always figured if I did tell them, that they would be sympathetic to my position. I never considered the possibility that they wouldn't support me. I told them about the abuse two years ago (when I was 35) and their reaction has been to brush it under the carpet and pretend nothing happened. In a way, it's been worse than the abuse itself. They say he is their son and that they can't turn their backs on him. They make excuses saying he was a child ( even though the age of criminal responsibility is 10 and he was 17 when he last tried to molest me). He has also made inappropriate advances towards two female neighbours and several of my ex girlfriends. He travels to Thailand twice a year for sex tourism. My mother's response to this is "well it's not his fault, he can't get a woman here because they are all b*tches". They've gone out of their way to make me the bad guy in all of this. They've called me a trouble maker, an alcoholic and an elder abuser. It's like they would do anything except face up to what their adopted son is.

 

Now, my partner and I have a beautiful baby girl, and since my parents allow my brother to still casually drop into their home on a regular basis, I don't entrust her into their care, something which they now do not talk to me over.

 

Am I wrong to deny them their relationship with her? My only concern is for my child, and I do not want history to repeat itself. My partner and I are already drafting a will that excludes them as next of kin, because I am so afraid of what he could do to her.

 

They make me feel like I am the bad guy but I really think they should have taken my side. Am I too black and white? Is it an impossible situation for them like they say?

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Yes absolutely you are doing the right thing not leaving your daughter with your parents and around your brother. It's very clear that your brother is a sexual predator. There is no way that he had no idea what he was doing to you. If he had sexual feelings then he knew what it meant and that it was towards his own little sister. It's horrible your family don't support you. In my opinion for their lack of validating and supporting you, they don't deserve a relationship with their granddaughter. Have you received therapy to talk about all this? Do you want to press charges against your brother or is it too late?

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Protect your child at any cost. Period.

 

I agree with the above. Your child comes first.

 

have battled alcoholism from my early twenties, and this is a demon I still fight unfortunately. ..... my partner and I have a beautiful baby girl,

That is a concern, especially now that there is a child in your life. Have you been to AA for help? Have you received any other form of counselling/therapy for all of the past issues and trauma? If not, then you need to look into this a.s.a.p. for your own mental well being and the future of your child.

 

Also, sorry to say, but your brother needs to be locked up and the key thrown away. Who knows how many girls and young women he has damaged for life. It's shocking that your parents know and do nothing which makes them equally guilty (imo).

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Am I wrong to deny them their relationship with her?

 

I don't think it is. You've got a lot on your plate. Sort out the alcohol dependency and being sober first. Take care of your child. How's your relationship with your partner? Do you live together? Is this issue of your family coming up because you need childcare while your partner and you are not available or working?

 

I'm asking because you don't sound like you're living with your family nor do you have regular contact. What triggered this avalanche of guilt? Is your partner questioning you?

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My partner is amazing, I'm very lucky to have him and he's an amazing dad. Yes, we live together. I'm still on maternity leave so childcare not a problem for now. Unfortunately, my parents live just next door to us, so if they have their son over for casual visits (which they do) then he is in very close proximity. I just don't understand why they are sticking by him. My partner has tried talking to them but he just hits a brick wall, like me. They simply repeat "he's our son" over and over. As if that excuses everything. And when I hear my dad on the phone to him, calling him "bud" etc. it honestly just turns my stomach. How can they be ok with him, knowing what he did to me? They claim they don't want to take sides, but IMO where one party has hurt another, you can't just hide behind a position of neutrality...

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Your parents are complicit in horrible abuse. I would cut them off and never let your child see them. I am so sorry you were harmed in this way and continue to be harmed. I myself was molested by my father’s brother and my grandparents still continued contact with him. My father never spoke to his brother again even until my father‘s death a few weeks ago. For me it was 40 years ago.

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My partner is amazing, I'm very lucky to have him and he's an amazing dad. Yes, we live together. I'm still on maternity leave so childcare not a problem for now. Unfortunately, my parents live just next door to us, so if they have their son over for casual visits (which they do) then he is in very close proximity. I just don't understand why they are sticking by him. My partner has tried talking to them but he just hits a brick wall, like me. They simply repeat "he's our son" over and over. As if that excuses everything. And when I hear my dad on the phone to him, calling him "bud" etc. it honestly just turns my stomach. How can they be ok with him, knowing what he did to me? They claim they don't want to take sides, but IMO where one party has hurt another, you can't just hide behind a position of neutrality...

 

I know this is personal and you don't have to get into this but I would stay very, very far away from your family and your brother. I can see why you're concerned if you're living next door. Is your partner not concerned about living so close to them, now with a child or daughter of his own? What does your partner think about all this?

 

I also think you should unpack all that pain and misery and horrible abuse with a therapist or someone trained to help guide and counsel through child abuse. This is horrifying what has happened to you. You and your family shouldn't be living anywhere close to these people. Don't lose track of the main issue - protecting your family and your daughter. You're wasting time and energy staying there so close to all of them and letting these thoughts consume you.

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I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes I wonder how many children managed to avoid being abused :(

 

I don't know why, but cutting them off is so hard. Despite everything, I always had a good relationship with my dad (until this all came out) but it's really my mother pulling all the strings here. When my dad first found out he said he would throw my brother out, then the next day he'd had a "change of heart" and said he couldn't put him out. It was clearly my mother who had got to him. She has a misguided over protective obsession with him. Maybe because he's adopted and she is trying to compensate. But she thinks the whole world is against him. He could kill and eat a small child in front of her and she'd find an excuse.

 

It feels like a really bad breakup! :(

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I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes I wonder how many children managed to avoid being abused :(

 

I don't know why, but cutting them off is so hard. Despite everything, I always had a good relationship with my dad (until this all came out) but it's really my mother pulling all the strings here. When my dad first found out he said he would throw my brother out, then the next day he'd had a "change of heart" and said he couldn't put him out. It was clearly my mother who had got to him. She has a misguided over protective obsession with him. Maybe because he's adopted and she is trying to compensate. But she thinks the whole world is against him. He could kill and eat a small child in front of her and she'd find an excuse.

 

It feels like a really bad breakup! :(

Absolutely, it does feel horrible. My father committed his own abuse against me and my sibling and our mother . I had a mostly estranged relationship with my father for 32 years. My father only ever saw my son in my presence, ever. He had no chance to neglect or abuse my child. My son I never left with my grandparents either and it shattered me that my grandparents still saw and talked about my father’s brother when they KNEW what he did. Even though it is said my grandfather had a nervous break down about it, it all just about broke him.

 

When my father died recently I felt horrible about the state of our relationship and still do but HE created it. But I honoured him in his death and that is part of MY closure and a testament to my character.

 

Just honour and protect your child, we owe them that. Also please protect yourself and remove your family from their everyday presence.

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You protect your baby girl AT ALL COSTS.

 

They sympathize with him, they look past what he did and they refuse to see how much damage it can cause a person. That being said, if you feel like he may be around if and when you should entrust your daughter to their care, then NO, absolutely do not leave her vulnerable to this predator!!

 

You were right in being upset that they did not take it far more seriously on what he did and how he's behaving. They are essentially justifying a molester/abuser.

 

Keep your child away and only allow visits with the grandparents if you are present.

 

You're doing the right thing, OP.

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Thank you. It's good to hear that I'm making the right decision. They honestly have me so broken that I question if I am being too harsh. They like to play the victim card a lot, and the fact they are old. I keep feeling guilty about ignoring them and now they are "hiding away" probably hoping I'll "come around" or something.

 

I used to think there could be a way to reconciliation. If my brother had apologised, expressed remorse..if my parents had taken my side and supported me. But instead they turned against me. Accused me of elder abuse. Went running to their GP to show him angry messages I had sent them, so that he would say "oh that looks like elder abuse". They played the victim card themselves when I was the victim all along.

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Thank you. It's good to hear that I'm making the right decision. They honestly have me so broken that I question if I am being too harsh. They like to play the victim card a lot, and the fact they are old. I keep feeling guilty about ignoring them and now they are "hiding away" probably hoping I'll "come around" or something.

 

I used to think there could be a way to reconciliation. If my brother had apologised, expressed remorse..if my parents had taken my side and supported me. But instead they turned against me. Accused me of elder abuse. Went running to their GP to show him angry messages I had sent them, so that he would say "oh that looks like elder abuse". They played the victim card themselves when I was the victim all along.

Please drop these people. Elder abuse my a$$. They are master manipulators. For the sake of your sanity move and become estranged from them. You have a right to be angry at them they are complicit in severe abuse.

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If your parents were all that invested in being good grandparents, they'd visit you and your family without the brother. Period.

 

If they're unwilling to do that, then that tells you all that you really need to know--about them.

 

Their concerns are not about you or your child, just appearances. Otherwise, they'd abide by your wishes in order to remain grandparents--so that's not their real motivation.

 

Invest in counseling or whatever it takes to build confidence in your adult decisions. At some point you might opt to extend invitations to your parents to learn whether they've grown enough to invest in their grandchild, but you'll need to have reached a point in your own treatment to handle any outcomes without turning against yourself if they fail you once again.

 

Head high, and congrAts on the work you've done that has enabled you to build your own family.

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Antares:

 

This is sadly a familiar picture:

 

"but it's really my mother pulling all the strings here. When my dad first found out he said he would throw my brother out, then the next day he'd had a "change of heart" and said he couldn't put him out. It was clearly my mother who had got to him. She has a misguided over protective obsession with him. Maybe because he's adopted and she is trying to compensate. But she thinks the whole world is against him. He could kill and eat a small child in front of her and she'd find an excuse."

 

Appalling!!

 

"He travels to Thailand twice a year for sex tourism. My mother's response to this is "well it's not his fault, he can't get a woman here because they are all b*tches"."

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Thank you. Yes I'm starting to question their motivation alright. I'd a message from my dad basically saying that he didn't think we could sort things out without shouting but that he missed his granddaughter and would I / my fiancé drop her into him for an hour now and again. My reading of this message is basically "I don't care about patching things up with you, I only want to see my granddaughter so give her to me". I replied "not while you have a known sex offender dropping into your house on a casual basis, there needs to be some boundaries and some respect for me for once". He hasn't replied. I feel torn in two with grief. Him and my daughter have always had an amazing bond. She lights up when he comes into the room and he adores her. I feel this will break his heart, but I also want him to make a stand and listen to what I want.

 

I had a friend over for dinner yesterday. Our families have been friends for years, our mothers were friends for forty years. My friends mam sadly passed last year. She told me last night that my brother made a pass at her mother years ago, and used to drive up and down the road past her house and slowing down to look in. She also told me my brother hit on her (my friend) a few years ago. I feel like there are so many people coming forward now saying he did things to them! :(

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Thank you. Yes I'm starting to question their motivation alright. I'd a message from my dad basically saying that he didn't think we could sort things out without shouting but that he missed his granddaughter and would I / my fiancé drop her into him for an hour now and again. My reading of this message is basically "I don't care about patching things up with you, I only want to see my granddaughter so give her to me". I replied "not while you have a known sex offender dropping into your house on a casual basis, there needs to be some boundaries and some respect for me for once". He hasn't replied. I feel torn in two with grief. Him and my daughter have always had an amazing bond. She lights up when he comes into the room and he adores her. I feel this will break his heart, but I also want him to make a stand and listen to what I want.

 

I had a friend over for dinner yesterday. Our families have been friends for years, our mothers were friends for forty years. My friends mam sadly passed last year. She told me last night that my brother made a pass at her mother years ago, and used to drive up and down the road past her house and slowing down to look in. She also told me my brother hit on her (my friend) a few years ago. I feel like there are so many people coming forward now saying he did things to them! :(

I am so so sorry. Sexual offenders spread their misery everywhere.

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If I was you I would move & cut all contact.

I dont understand how your Father can love your Daughter so much but can put her in danger with your brother dropping over?

 

I have very little contact with my family due to a traumatic childhood. Its the best thing I have ever done. My mental health has improved immensely.

I honestly believe it would be the best thing for you to get away from them.

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The weird thing is I've always had a great relationship with my dad. He had no idea until just over two years ago. Until then, we were best friends. I know he idolises my daughter and she lights up when she sees him. It's breaking my heart to keep them apart. Of course I will do whatever I have to in order to protect her, but I just feel so full of grief. I couldn't care less if I never see my mother again. Im convinced she knew about the abuse and is railroading my dad now too. Then again, is he not accountable for his own reaction to this too. It was bad enough that they chose him over me, but now it appears they are choosing him over their granddaughter too. I just don't get it. We are their biological daughter and granddaughter. He's a sex offender. My head and heart hurt. :(

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The weird thing is I've always had a great relationship with my dad. He had no idea until just over two years ago. Until then, we were best friends. I know he idolises my daughter and she lights up when she sees him. It's breaking my heart to keep them apart. Of course I will do whatever I have to in order to protect her, but I just feel so full of grief. I couldn't care less if I never see my mother again. Im convinced she knew about the abuse and is railroading my dad now too. Then again, is he not accountable for his own reaction to this too. It was bad enough that they chose him over me, but now it appears they are choosing him over their granddaughter too. I just don't get it. We are their biological daughter and granddaughter. He's a sex offender. My head and heart hurt. :(

 

It is best to cut them off.

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Thank you. Yes I'm starting to question their motivation alright. I'd a message from my dad basically saying that he didn't think we could sort things out without shouting but that he missed his granddaughter and would I / my fiancé drop her into him for an hour now and again. My reading of this message is basically "I don't care about patching things up with you, I only want to see my granddaughter so give her to me". I replied "not while you have a known sex offender dropping into your house on a casual basis, there needs to be some boundaries and some respect for me for once". He hasn't replied. I feel torn in two with grief. Him and my daughter have always had an amazing bond. She lights up when he comes into the room and he adores her. I feel this will break his heart, but I also want him to make a stand and listen to what I want.

 

Why not turn the table and ask him to come and see her? If he won't do that, then you can tell him that you can see how much he really wants to step up to the grandfather plate, and he's in no position to blame you for that. If he ever changes his mind and wants to visit, your door is open.

 

Then it's on him, not you.

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you have no choice but to protect your daughter.

 

She is a child and depends on you to protect her.

 

living next door to a place where a known sex offender and predator visits is no better than what your parents did to you.

 

I feel for you and understand why you feel so betrayed. that's why I'm calling it out to hopefully say some strong enough words to make you see how easily she could fall victim.

 

its not just being in the house. it's being in proximity. how could you risk it? this sweet innocent child just playing in the yard could fall victim. because he's not a stranger. she would not have her guard up at all.

 

you need to move so that she is not just easy pickings for a monster.

 

I would bet you were not his only victim. how will you feel if 20 years from now, she comes to you with a similar story? what will you say? how will you be able to look her in the face?

 

wake up.

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