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Why I can't get over my husband porn use?


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Hi I'm new here I've been married for 18/years to a wonderful man. He enjoys porn from time to time and I recently discovered that this stems from his young adult hood. Before I discovered his habits I caught him a couple of times and I forgive him but I didn't know the full extent until he came clean . He says he's not addicted because he doesn't watch it daily but he enjoys it . Our sex life hasn't been the greatest but in recent light I discovered our relationship was lacking intimacy so the time to recent seems right. I expressed my feelings that porn makes me feel like I'm not enough and I felt unhappy and unloved these past 3 years but because we had lost intimacy. We have opened a lot and got better at communication I feel like he doesn't understand me . he says his feelings hasn't changed that he loves me and he's good to me and I know he's being honest with me . I can't seem to put it past me I'm bothered that he lied and hid it so well until recently he gives me full range to check his phone and I never find it but because I know he watches it occasions. YouTube is his favorite its mainly girls twerking or rolling around touching themselves etc. He has told me that what he watches doesn't change anything between us and he loves me and he performs well sexually I just feel now that we are closer I feel more passion. It breaks my heart how do I get over this and not take personal.

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Sorry to hear this. What do you mean by "our sex life isn't the greatest"?

 

Unfortunately getting into a parent-child dynamic, checking his phone "catching him" (as if he's a bad 13 y/o boy) policing him, etc is killing the intimacy.

 

Your issues stem from overall marital dissatisfaction, but somehow you have decided that "porn addiction" is an illness he has that is destroying your marriage. Is this something from your cultural/religious beliefs?

 

Marital counseling could help you communicate better and unpack and sort out some issues. Individual therapy for you could help with your self-esteem and distrust issues.

I'm new here I've been married for 18/years to a wonderful man.

 

I caught him a couple of times

 

Our sex life hasn't been the greatest

 

I felt unhappy and unloved these past 3 years but because we had lost intimacy.

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It is a shame that your husband hadn't been open about his porn use but policing it will just lead you to feel worse rather than better. Snooping and checking his phone won't lead to intimacy but will kill it.

Both me and my husband watch porn and it doesn't mean i don't find my husband sexy but it is just a cheap quick thrill and sometimes just a quick release. I have a baby so sexy time with hubby can be limited lol.

If you can maybe speak to your husband again and discuss your feelings and perhaps any fantasies that he may have that you can try out together.

Trust me, your partner does find you sexually appealing, it's just sometimes stresses in life can lead us not to want to swing from the chandeliers!

But i want to highlight again that checking his phone will cause more distrust and just make you miserable. Communication here is key and maybe consider a therapist to help guide you through this.

Good luck xxx

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We had children early on in marriage so we quickly fell into this mode of parental and he was always working and stressed we lost sight of each other to be honest. I guess all that was normal of not being intimate often we went to bed different times after awhile I started to feel unloved but I didn't say anything thinking its normal sometimes other times were good we do have fun

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Sounds like you have both lost sight as who you are as a couple and maybe have taken each other for granted a little? Easy to do when u both were so focused on kids from so early on. It's easy to forget that you two matter too.

I would suggest maybe even putting the sex side of things to the side and focus on having date nights and dress up like the old days or even snuggling on the sofa watching a movie. Even a nice meal in the house.

Reconnect emotionally first and i'm sure the physical side will come naturally.

I too suffer from insecurity and used to worry if my husband looked at other women but realised that was me projecting my insecurities on to my husband.

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Problem shared is a problem halved. Just remember it is not you that is the problem. Your husband does not prefer porn to you. Maybe encourage each other to give each other complimemts, gifts etc...Also write some positive affirmations to read to yourself out loud daily x

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Since something like porn is so well known... I doubt watching it on occasion is a real problem.

Is normal, the curiosity etc- some couple even watch together.. some cringe at it. :/

 

Seems YOU are really set off by this though- seeing how you say you 'caught him a cpl times and forgave him'.

He has not broken a law here. He is not cheating.

And unless they are truly 'addicted' to it, is usually okay.

 

My first ex and I, back in the day ( over 25 yrs ago) would watch on occasion and he had his magazines.. but it never really bothered me.

 

IMO, IF he is 'lacking; in the bedroom intimacy department, could be for different reasons..

- Is he feeling low about a few things in his life?

- Is he hitting that 'stage in life', where it can become a challenge..?

-

 

There are some ways to try and 'increase the needs' in a bedroom- get things excited again.

 

But I feel is best NOT to make him feel 'bad, or low' about himself or how he is acting.. as that may make him pull away more.

 

Honestly, you really can't 'stop' him.. and try to avoid making him feel guilty for watching a bit of porn.. actually sometimes it can 'pep them up' more.. to 'want it'.. if you get what I mean, ;)

 

His porn does not change anything between you two.. I agree.

 

I suggest you confide in some friends maybe? Or seek some prof help... to help YOU deal with what is putting you off.

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You said you forgave him. Forgave him for what exactly?

 

Of course you know porn and all the actors are totally fake but I can see how you would feel like you are competing with them.

 

If this was baseball I am sure you would not have the same reaction.

 

Do you feel like he is giving something to porn that you should be getting? Does it make you feel insecure? I ask because until you figure out why you feel the way you do you will never "get over it"

 

Most of the time when a partner comes on here it is because porn has replaced or reduced sex in the relationship because of addiction or abuse but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

 

Once you can put your finger on exactly what you don't like about all this then you can sit down with him and express that to him so he will understand your feelings.

 

Remember most guys are horrible at figuring this stuff out on their own...

 

Lost

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its popular to say "porn is healthy!" but its really not. He is hiding his viewing of sexy women rolling around and masturbation, but yet your sex life is in the dumper. I am betting he doesn't have a healthy view or expectations about what real sex and intimacy is due to viewing porn from when he was young. I don't think you are wrong.

 

I don't think you need to look at it as you having a hang up because he is watching this-- rather, i think you two need to reconnect. He agrees to no porn, you agree to be not so caught up in the kids -- go on a date night and DO NOT talk about the kids, fix yourself up for him, etc., Maybe go away for a few nights and leave the kids behind. maybe periodically do that.

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We have opened a lot and got better at communication I feel like he doesn't understand me .

 

In your view or from your perspective, what can he do on his end that demonstrates to you that he does understand?

 

This:

 

Our sex life hasn't been the greatest

 

And this:

 

he loves me and he performs well sexually

 

Are contradicting each other. He's trying to make you feel good already but you're still not satisfied. What would make you happy?

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I forgave him for the times I found his porn because he hid from me he even promised me he wouldnt watch it but the fact was he always did he just hid it well. Recently it came to light again and then hearing all this from him that we need more intimacy because we weren't having sex enough and several occasions he asked of me and I just didn't do my part as a wife to satisfy his needs he went to porn. I guess I can't figure out where we went wrong in all and I feel threatened that porn could actually come between us . he says to him its just their and its no meaning.

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I forgave him for the times I found his porn because he hid from me he even promised me he wouldnt watch it but the fact was he always did he just hid it well. Recently it came to light again and then hearing all this from him that we need more intimacy because we weren't having sex enough and several occasions he asked of me and I just didn't do my part as a wife to satisfy his needs he went to porn. I guess I can't figure out where we went wrong in all and I feel threatened that porn could actually come between us . he says to him its just their and its no meaning.

 

Do you feel like you'll ever get out of this porn problem or be able to live with it? Or are you asking him to give it up completely? What are you asking exactly? Do you know what you want? I'm asking out of curiosity.

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I don't want him to be watching it because he has me . he feels he doesn't have to stop because he feels theirs nothing wrong with occasionally watching it. He says before I didn't know about it I was happy and now that I know he watches it I don't like it. I feel threatened and my insecurities get the best of me. He gets upset when I ask him if he's watched it like he doesn't want to talk about it

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I really think a therapist / counsellor is the best way to go so you can both reach a mutual agreement with this so both parties can be happy.

I don't agree with what some are saying that it is unhealthy and wrong.

Also, you say that he shouldn't need porn etc when he has you. It is human nature to still find others attractive / sexually appealing etc even if you are with someone.

To me, porn is part of that and won't lead to cheating. But just my opinion. We all have different boundaries and ideas on what is acceptable in regards to this.

Please seek advice and counselling regarding this. If he doesn't want to then go alone.

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To be honest I heard that's a bad thing and could lead to other things. I'm open to try new things but I wouldn't think I would do that.

 

Just curious what you feel it could lead to . I have never had any problems with watching porn or my men watching porn , or watching it together . But .....if I am getting neglected sexually and porn is the preferred option then I would have a problem .

 

Seems to be one of those things , people are either ok with it or they are not and there doesn't seem to be a solution other then to realise it is too big a difference in what you want in a relationship .

 

Just re read and realised you have been together 18 years ... I thought you had just met , my bad , my post was more relating to people just starting out and realising one likes blah blah and one doesn't .

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I don't honesty think I'll ever be OK with his habits but I'm willing to work on it. I've heard that it could lead to affairs and one being too intralled with the ideal that the wife allows it their for take full advantage of the situation and neglect my needs. I make myself available to him and I feel threatened because when he does choose to watch it most likely he's preference is porn . so I guess I'm just being cautious because he says he only watches it occasionally but what how much honestly idk he doesn't like me asking him because we've already talked about it before.

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