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Is this going to work out?


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Hi All - keen to get some advice from you wise people. Like everyone else, there is a bit of a story so strap in.




I am 38 years old and started dating X in August 2018, four months after I ended a four year emotionally abusive relationship. She is an amazing girl and while I knew it at the time, I wasn't ready for what she wanted. Over the next seven months, I broke up with her and got back together three times. I always saw potential with her and with us that I didn't want to let go of, which is why I kept coming back but I just felt emotionally blunt every time I went back and I couldn't give her what she wanted, needed and deserved. Ultimately, I hadn't yet completely processed my previous relationship enough to be ready for her. After that last break up I thought to myself that I just needed a bit more time and then I would be ready for her emotionally. I saw her 2 months later (May, 2019) at a friend's birthday and felt ready to open up to her and tell her I wanted to be 'all in' with her but she told me that she had just started dating someone a few weeks before. This of course made me want her even more - I had realised that I was on the verge of losing the most amazing woman I had ever met and was ready to fight for her. She was not over me either but she saw potential in the new guy too and didn't know what to do, especially as I had continuously let her down for the previous 9 months. There has always been incredible chemistry between us and over the next few months we hooked up a number of times (no sex) while she was still dating the other guy. I am not proud of my role in this and she is not the type of girl who would typically do anything like this to someone else either, but the chemistry was just too hard to ignore - we have always been drawn to each other. During this time, she also sent me intense letters and texts which told of her strong feelings for me and her confusion about how things had played out but she continued to date the other guy. While she was constantly on my mind and I had never wanted anything more, for the most part there was no contact between us between September 2019 and January 1, 2020 when she sent me a Happy New Year text message. Her boyfriend had turned out to be abusive and horrible and upon arriving back from a holiday with him in February 2020, she broke up with him. She said she couldn't stop thinking about me and on February 13 2020, she came to me and said she wanted to give us another shot. All the pain and sleepless nights of the previous nine months seemed to be worth it.


Everything was incredible for two months and then out of the blue, she said that she wasn't sure about us. But she wasn't certain if the problem was because of where she was at in her life or if it was a problem between her and I. She broke up with me to try sort it out. Then two weeks later she dropped off a present for my birthday and didn't leave my apartment for four days. It was a truly incredible time and I was the happiest I have ever been. I told her though that I wouldn't take her back unless she was 'all in'. Still unsure, she left my apartment and things were again uncertain. A week later she organised a courier to drop off a massive box with all of my favourite things inside, with a note that expressed everything I had been wanting to hear from her - the most beautiful note about how much she loves me, with the heading "I'M ALL IN." Again, I was on top of the world and things were amazing for two months. I then asked her if she would meet my parents. This turned into a very unexpected, heated conversation which led to her saying that she wasn't ready to meet them and that "she loves me but she is not in love with me". That old chestnut. I was completely blindsided. She said that she thought her feelings should be stronger for me at this stage in her life - she is 31 and very concerned about her body clock. A bit hysterical about it actually. While she said that she didn't know "if we could come back from this conversation" I said to her that given what we had been through and that it had only been a few weeks since we got back together, she needed to give herself more time to explore this. And she agreed. At this point I decided to back off completely and not put any pressure on her. I did not want to be demanding because I thought that perhaps I had been too intense and that with time, she would eventually realise the incredible relationship we have and I wanted her to realise this organically. She was right though - in a self fulfilling prophecy way - we couldn't come back from that earlier conversation and two and half months later (August 31, 2020), she woke up on a Sunday and said again that she thinks her feelings should be stronger than what they are (more below) and she ended it again. I do not believe I was needy at all during these months.


I feel that because of her body clock, she has put huge amounts of pressure on herself to "feel what she is supposed to feel" that she pressured herself out of the relationship and never let herself organically grow into the relationship. She went from the bells and whistles of saying she was "ALL IN" to not being sure in a matter of weeks. It's just very confusing to me. Meanwhile, I have never been more certain about anything in my life.


What was said during the breakup


She said to me that I was her best friend, that I tick all of the boxes and that I was the best boyfriend that she had ever had. But she said that it often felt platonic and at times she felt there was no chemistry. No chemistry!? This was truly alarming to hear because of the chemistry that we had always had and because I have always thought that we have had the best sex I have ever had with anyone (the sex never stopped up until the end). And we get along like a house on fire! We don't fight, provide support for each other and are incredibly compatible. To me everything makes sense and just falls into place. They say "when you know, you know" and after decades of dating the wrong women, I KNOW! We're on the same page about everything (except being together..), have similar interests and we have the same values. I just don't get it! I had noticed that she was not very affectionate in that last two and a half months nor was she vulnerable or open with her feelings but she has always had trouble opening up and I thought that she was just not as affectionate as me and that everything would come in time so I accepted it (and also didn't want to bring it up to rock the boat after our last chat....). On the day that we broke up, she couldn't keep her hands off me. She was crying hysterically, something that is also very out of character for her. And the eyes she looked at me with for that entire day - it was long break up - were definitely not platonic eyes. They were eyes that were full of pain and doubt. She said that she would like to keep in touch but I said very firmly that I didn't want contact if we weren't together and that I needed to move on.


What has happened since.


There has been no contact since this happened on 31 August.


I am hopelessly in love with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I know what I am worth and I am not going to beg her to come back. I know of course that that begging wouldn't work anyway. I just feel that with time away from me without any contact, she will realise what she has lost.


Given our history I just don't feel like this is over. It almost feels like this is the last leg in our journey. Am I delusional? I just don't understand what has happened and how she could have lost attraction for me. I wasn't needy, she agrees that I am the best boyfriend she has ever had and that I am her best friend. What is she looking for?


Any advice and thought on if this is going to work out or not, would be really appreciated.

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