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I don’t know if I have a good girlfriend


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My girlfriend and I have been dating for a long time. My girlfriend is a pretty anxious person and I am practically always happy/optimistic. I know that’s not normal, but my gf is anxious about 30% of the time and worries a lot. She also gets overwhelmed pretty easily. We aren’t getting any younger and I know I have to decide to go all in and marry her or breakup. It’s hard for me to commit myself completely knowing I’m potentially walking into a anxious/stressful life when I enjoy the opposite. Because I have never really dated anyone else, I don’t know how anxious/stressed other people are. I compare my gf to me, but maybe that’s unfair to her because I’m an outlier. My question is - how often do other people get stressed/anxious? 2 days/week? 1 day/week on average? Less? More? That would really help me understand my relationship. Thank you!

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Does she go to doctors/therapist for it? You can't simply compare her to yourself. You don't need a diagnosis or percentages to end things if you're unhappy or unsuited for each other.

 

Basically it sounds like you do not want to go further because of incompatibilities. That's ok, it's your first relationship so don't resent someone and string them along if you think she's "too anxious".

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You should never marry someone who you have pretty major doubts about, that's a setup for failure. How have you hung in there so long?

 

I am not anxious/stressed hardly ever, like maybe every few years certainly not weekly. Last time I was stressed was when we were getting ready to move, which is enough to make anyone stressed. That was 4.5 yrs ago! My husband and friends are not stressed.

 

I have one friend who calls himself anxious and he can cope with it quite well. I think your gf needs help.

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Have you communicated this with her? She may think you're the cause of her stress and if not for you, her life is dandy. Speak more together and come to some sort of understanding before you throw the towel in. You may be incompatible at the moment but it doesn't mean that there isn't room left to learn if you haven't communicated with each other properly. This may be a misunderstanding. Don't hurt each others' feelings and take care with the topic.

 

If she gets upset easily or misunderstands you or refuses to share more openly or have some conversation, I think you know that this is not a healthy dynamic. You should be able to speak with your partner about these things.

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We aren’t getting any younger and I know I have to decide to go all in and marry her or breakup. It’s hard for me to commit myself completely knowing I’m potentially walking into a anxious/stressful life when I enjoy the opposite.

- So, you feel you can't do it... hope it has not affected you? :/.

 

How often do people get stressed/anxious? If this is how SHE is, it is an obvious issue.

 

All are different.. yeah, you will find people are fine.. can handle stress better... but for reasons, she is like this. Not everyone is easily stressed out. Everyone is different, for reasons.

But sounds like you have just had enough and can't take it anymore.. sadly is just how she is :/.

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I feel for you, I'm in exact same boat as you, although I'd say it's 50-70% for me. Things can be going well then out to the blue a panic and anxious out if nowhere that also brings me down, then I get accused of all sorts (not showing enough love, saying something insensitive etc) then next day back to normal. It's no way to live.

 

My OH goes to therapy and is on meds, I haven't seen any improvement.

 

Also with the whole covid thing that's amplifying it all

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Unfortunately it sounds like you are the anxious one. You can not make up your mind about her. You are anxiously hanging on to a "best friend" but on the fence about her.

 

Also you are blaming this vague undiagnosed "30% anxiety" on her rather than looking at the real issues of your attachment and indecisiveness.

 

Your mindset of "if she would just fix herself, my life would be great" is quite unhealthy and lacks insight

Ya, it’s just hard because she really is my best friend and the good times are really great. But that 30% is rough
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30% is actually not much. It's true, some people do get anxious and stressed more than others. But anxiety is also a normal part of life. Some people are more "chilled" and happy go lucky. Maybe you're more one of those people. Some people also suffer from an anxiety disorder which is a chemical imbalance in the brain. So the person may not have control over feeling irrational anxiety, they are not doing it deliberately. How often does your girlfriend get anxious and over what kinds of things? It's normal to feel anxious in anxiety provoking situations. It's true that some people can handle it better, but not everyone is the same. Was your girlfriend always anxious or did it get worse during coronavirus? Keeping in mind it's a very difficult time now and it actually is stressful for the best of us.

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Unfortunately it sounds like you are the anxious one. You can not make up your mind about her. You are anxiously hanging on to a "best friend" but on the fence about her.

 

Also you are blaming this vague undiagnosed "30% anxiety" on her rather than looking at the real issues of your attachment and indecisiveness.

 

Your mindset of "if she would just fix herself, my life would be great" is quite unhealthy and lacks insight

 

Totally agree!! Wow.

 

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