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Tom's Journal - Becoming the man I've always wanted to be


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A new positive day!

Feeling quite good this morning, initially I was unsure why, but I think all this work on myself is starting to pay off.

 

I messaged 'C' early evening, essentially saying I'm looking forward to us doing something together when she has more time and wishing her a good half term break. I don't expect a reply and we shall see what happens. The infatuation feelings are dropping (I think) and I'm more feeling good about myself in the form of weight loss and positivity. For three nights now I've left my phone downstairs when I've gone to bed, and instead kept my 6 minute diary next to me. I fill it in when I wake, and again when I go to bed.

 

I must be feeling relaxed as I fell asleep on the sofa last night.....or am I just getting old! 😂

 

I just nipped out for a small shop and on my drive home I thought 'Its sad I'll be on my own for my birthday', before quickly turning it around and saying 'It's for me to make my birthday enjoyable, not others'....so planning what to do at the moment (other than getting my hair cut by chance, only time she could do!)

Edited by Dalesboy
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I appreciate I've been quiet over the last few weeks. We've been ok, I just haven't had the desire to really post anything. Almost two weeks ago we had a horrendous hike. Bad weather, misjudging

I hope everyone has had a nice Christmas so far. Lass hasn't been too well. The day after our hike she began vomiting, followed by diarrhoea. I called at the vets on Christmas Eve who recommended

Another from yesterday. Looking towards the Scafell range. I'll do a full write up later.

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We've had a fantastic morning!

In the UK, the clocks went back an hour so I set the alarm for 6.20. I was out of the house by 7 and at our destination for today's hike at 7.20. It did initially start to rain, but quickly cleared to allow for some lovely photographic conditions.

 

50527204218_91cdbdf18f_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

50528088527_6cb8e0dd22_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

There was a steep ascent of just over a 1000ft which took my breath away a bit, however I did it in stages, took my time and completed it in around 30 minutes.

 

50527931666_b18c4f0d99_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

Overall it was around 5 miles. What I am pleased with most of all, is that my legs aren't aching, even after the steep climb. Gradually climbing the ladder of fitness and weight loss......and enjoying it!

 

50527931331_e57436c684_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

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Thanks Seraphim!

Not until Tuesday though! Have a little adventure planned for then too!

 

Sounds good! Somewhere else always looks so exotic doesn’t it ? We should set up a photo thread for pictures of your area.

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Feeling a bit deflated this evening.

 

I realised 'C' keeps popping into my thoughts, just generally. I stop myself from fantasising (which has always been an issue for me), but just wish there was an off switch. I try distracting myself, which sometimes works (not always). Just feel a bit flat, not overly excited about anything (does that make sense?)

 

'C' and I possibly wont come to anything, and that is something I am going to have to accept at some point, I know there will be someone out there for me but in this covid world, meeting her has been like a small beacon of light. Yet again though, I have to remind myself I make my own happiness......not her or anyone else, and that I still find hard.

 

I've done well these past few months from where I was when I returned to this forum, but I know I'm not there yet.

 

The good news I do have (apologies if I already mentioned it) is that the employment at one of my schools entitles me to 6 counselling/therapy sessions. I contacted the company on Friday and they hope to be in touch tomorrow which is good.

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Did you get to listening to this? What are your thoughts?

 

Funny you should mention it, I made a start this evening on my walk.

 

Found it difficult if I'm honest to connect it to my issues, as she focuses (understandably) on those who have been in relationships to addicts. I haven't, and my relationships have only been very short lived. I just know that I'm drawn to relationships to be happy, and have had little self esteem.

 

I'm judging it a little too harshly as I've only listened to the first half an hour. I'll try and preserve with it.

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This book by Melody Beattie is actually responsible for introducing the concept of codependency into main stream society (google it!). Her experience with codependency centered around addiction, so you will find that many of the examples that she gives have to do with addiction. But hopefully you will be able to draw parallels into other situations. It was really an eye opener for me, even though my own experience with codependency didn't have anything to do with addiction. It took me several attempts to read the book, though. Glad I finally did.

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This book by Melody Beattie is actually responsible for introducing the concept of codependency into main stream society (google it!). Her experience with codependency centered around addiction, so you will find that many of the examples that she gives have to do with addiction. But hopefully you will be able to draw parallels into other situations. It was really an eye opener for me, even though my own experience with codependency didn't have anything to do with addiction. It took me several attempts to read the book, though. Glad I finally did.

 

Thanks Jibralta,

I'll certainly keep going with it (its the audio version, so easy to have on when driving or in the house). Tonight's flat mood probably hasn't helped.

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Amazing how a good nights sleep can really help.

 

Feel better this morning. About to do a couple of hours of work, then my friend is coming over to help with more tidying/clearing out of stuff in the house (primarily old paper work and ornaments of my late Dad). I've never been one for keeping busy, and perhaps that has been my problem....I think in some ways I've liked dwelling on things, even when it's been detrimental to my own mental health.

 

New day, new start!

 

50531404233_67a0104a2d_k.jpgDSC04655 by Dales Boy, on Flickr

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Wow! Your pictures are stunning, but this one i particular is breathtaking. So beautiful the way you've captured the sunrise and the colors.

 

Every time I look at Lass's picture as well, I think she is so adorable. What a sweet dog.

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Wow! Your pictures are stunning, but this one i particular is breathtaking. So beautiful the way you've captured the sunrise and the colors.

 

Every time I look at Lass's picture as well, I think she is so adorable. What a sweet dog.

 

Thank you!

It was taken nearly two years ago, in North Wales.

 

The sun has come out here (which wasn't forecast). Forecast not looking great tomorrow, but no matter, still going on our adventure to the Lake District for my birthday (rain or not).

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As you probably read, codependency is pretty much when you fear being unloved or abandoned so you do anything to keep someone from leaving you even to your own detriment (for example, buying them something even if you have to take out a loan to do so, just because they demand you do so). Emotional dependency is more like you don't feel worthwhile unless someone (usually a romantic partner) loves you. I'm leaving a lot of stuff out but that's my understanding.

 

As for keeping busy, yes, that is key! I found my anxiety and need to have routines is much less pervasive when I just plain don't have time to cater to them. I have been getting takeout food without obsessively wiping everything down, for example, because I don't have time to do so. And I'm not freaking out about it.

 

You're making great progress IMO.

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As you probably read, codependency is pretty much when you fear being unloved or abandoned so you do anything to keep someone from leaving you even to your own detriment (for example, buying them something even if you have to take out a loan to do so, just because they demand you do so). Emotional dependency is more like you don't feel worthwhile unless someone (usually a romantic partner) loves you. I'm leaving a lot of stuff out but that's my understanding.

 

Hmmmm, I probably fit more into the emotional dependency band in that case (worth knowing which I am before I start therapy). Definitely would seek validation from a romantic partner. I remember when I was with my ex and I thought she really liked me, I'd feel so confident, but when she finished things, I felt utterly worthless.

 

You're making great progress IMO.

 

Thank you, that means a lot. After wavering a bit yesterday today I've felt a lot better. My friend came over and has helped me with more work on the house, I love how it is feeling now.....like my house rather than my Dad's.

 

50533238808_6855b07df8_k.jpgIMG_1669 by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

It feels really homely, but my home. I never really appreciated the fact I inherited the house, it just felt like it was Dad's house still, but he wasn't here. Taking pride in my home feels really good, and I look forward to when covid is over, that I might be able to invite friends round plus when I meet the right person.

 

Tomorrow is going to be a big moment too. As I drive to the Lake District as my little birthday treat, I'm going to pass through the area where my ex lived/lives. I've not been there since the last time we saw each other in late December 2017. For the past 2 and half years I feared going there in case I saw her......now that attachment has finally gone, I'm looking forward to it.

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