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Tom's Journal - Becoming the man I've always wanted to be


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Reason I ask is that there's some really good 20's / 30's hiking groups round Yorkshire. There's a big Leeds ramblers group and a big Sheffield ramblers group. I've been out walking with the Leeds group once myself and found them to be a really good group. Great for getting to know new people, including women. Thought they might interest you

 

I'd considered a rambling group, but I know I need to be fitter before I'd attempt something like that. I currently enjoy going on my own as I can set my own pace, I also do like the solitude of just me, my border collie and the great outdoors. I find it quite empowering. I'm nearly down to 20 and half stone (from 23 back in August)

 

Unrelated, but related to my self esteem building. I'm finding talking to my inner child incredibly powerful. My phone wallpaper is me from the age of 3, and I look at the little boy and feel a great paternal instinct. I tell him I will look after him, and it makes me feel incredibly positive. Its a slow, slow journey.......but I think I'm learning to love myself at long last.

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I appreciate I've been quiet over the last few weeks. We've been ok, I just haven't had the desire to really post anything. Almost two weeks ago we had a horrendous hike. Bad weather, misjudging

I hope everyone has had a nice Christmas so far. Lass hasn't been too well. The day after our hike she began vomiting, followed by diarrhoea. I called at the vets on Christmas Eve who recommended

Another from yesterday. Looking towards the Scafell range. I'll do a full write up later.

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Cool!!!!!!

 

Yeah, I think it is and a really positive step. With my mother never being a mother, I need to be the parent and take care of myself.

Just returned home, and about to head out with the dog while it's dry.

 

Today's highlight which I have to share.

 

Small boy about 5/6 years old approaches me in the playground.

 

Boy: Excuse me, do you see that girl over there?

Me: Yes

Boy: Well I'm in love with her!

 

He then gestured with his finger to his lips 'shush'.....

Couldn't help but laugh, and gave him a big thumbs up..... how adorable, things were so much easier back then! 😂

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Spent the evening at my neighbours had a right good laugh. Chatting with there sons (20 and 17) makes me not feel that old at 35!

 

Back home, not heard back from ‘C’ but I’m not overly concerned as this seems to be her way and she is not the quickest to reply. Hopefully if Monday happens, I’m genuinely looking forward to getting to know her.

 

I think my mother is trying to play emotional games with me. She tried ringing me on Monday, I wasn’t in the mood and secondly I was on my counselling session. I text saying I could talk as I was on my counselling session and I’d catch up tomorrow. She never replied to the text and I’ve not heard anything. So be it, a clean break from her wouldn’t be a bad thing.

 

It’s 20.55 here but I think I might head to bed shortly.

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What's your thought on this?

 

Regarding my mother? This is what she does. My late grandfather use to comment about how when we would try and get hold of her on the phone it could by nigh on impossible, he would say ‘thank goodness it’s not an emergency’. When the boots on the other foot she doesn’t like it.

 

She is manipulative, and a user. Using me as an excuse for the affair she is having by saying she is staying with me when she’s in fact staying nearby with her affair. She then has the cheek to broadcast on Facebook how she had a lovely time staying with her son and can’t believe she might not see me now until next year.

 

The one positive in all this is my building of self esteem is now allowing me to put boundaries between us and for me to say ‘no’.

 

I’ll do more about my mother tomorrow and my relationship with her. It’s an interesting read.

 

Right I’ll go back to sleep (haha). It’s 2.30 here and I’d just woken and decided to check my phone :p

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Further areas are going into higher lockdown in the UK, but thankfully where I work is still allowing for up to 6 people from several house holds to meet indoors.

 

This is good (from a personal selfish view point) as myself and 'C' are definitely meeting on Monday for coffee! It's quite a high class place I suggested as it's known for being good. 'C' replied to me saying 'that would be lovely as it is one of her favourite places'.

 

I'm trying to keep myself firmly grounded, but I did let my inner child have his moment to shine.

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Had some time to reflect, and I've cooled down a bit.

What will be will be, there is no point looking into the email interactions, they mean little and I suspect her affectionate language is just her way of being.

 

Will have to wait and see what Monday brings. I'll be confident, kind, funny....I'll try to linger eye contact, but overall....enjoy the experience of chatting to an interesting fellow musician and try not to think further ahead (not easy to do mind when you are touch smitten).

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Nipped out this morning to pick up some essentials, and also had a little venture where tomorrow's hike is going to be. This is proving such a wonderful distraction from the other things going on in my life, which is great.

 

50493864126_6645cbcdc5_k.jpgIMG_1385 by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

The hike will be on the other side of the valley I did last week. Planning to start early at around 7.30am, best part of the day I always think. Also bought an extendable lead for Lass, so she doesn't get under my feet when we are walking.

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Not such a bad day today. Did a small amount of working from home (not as much as I should have). Then as a pupil didn't turn up for a zoom lesson, I did some tidying (all mundane). Spent a good hour reading through this article:

https://www.wisemushroom.com/how-to-overcome-emotional-dependency/

 

So in-depth and really useful.

 

I did a half an hour voice recording about how I'm currently feeling. Generally positive, keeping focussed. I keep thinking about 'C' a lot, which is natural with Monday's coffee approaching. I'm being rational, accepting that we may just be friends, but the crush element comes in and starts fantasising the 'what ifs...', which I'm doing fairly well to keep in check.

 

My niggling worry, is if this doesn't go anywhere....I will begin the self loathing. I don't think I will....as I do care far more about myself than I ever have and feel I've made real positive steps. However, as it has always been my default setting on rejection, it is at the back of my mind.

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Well, we've had a great morning!

Started the walk around 8.30 this morning and we finished for lunchtime. There was a fairly steep climb in the first half of the hike which winded me slightly, however I took my time and didn't get annoyed with myself for not being super fit. It's a marathon not a sprint and each week I'm getting fitter.

 

50497775692_88b4c37e83_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

50497775792_08bb07698d_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

50497622491_3ae5f14e8b_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

50497775617_eb626bbcdb_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

The hike was a total of 6 miles, and once we were on the moorland tops, we couldn't see much as the cloud swept in. Then once we began to descend off the moors, a neighbouring valley came into view and we were able to get our bearings once again. I have the OS maps app on my iPhone which is very useful thanks to the use of GPS.

 

Lass is now fast asleep and to be honest....I think I might have to have a nap myself!

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Hadn’t heard anything from ‘C‘ to confirm tomorrow’s coffee. So messaged her earlier to just to check all was ok.

 

Just received an apologetic email (23:45) to say her plans had changed due to covid and the commute between London and the north is becoming a marathon, she’s therefore offered Tuesday for coffee.

 

Frustratingly I’d changed my teaching around to accommodate us meeting. If she’s commuting between London and the north it’s doubtful she’d be looking for more than friendship (that’s fair enough), but with my teaching messed up.....I’m feeling a bit annoyed at such short notice.

 

Still deciding what to do.... a reply can wait.

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Just received an apologetic email (23:45) to say her plans had changed due to covid and the commute between London and the north is becoming a marathon, she’s therefore offered Tuesday for coffee.

 

Not very considerate :\

She had all weekend to realize that.

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Agreed on both points.

 

Really can’t be bothered now. Last week she forgot she hadn’t replied. Other than the experience of meeting up with someone of the opposite sex to talk to, I really can’t see the point right now.

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It's a matter of consideration and manners, really. But it's all a part of finding out about someone.

 

Seeing them and talking a couple times, it's difficult to get a full scope on who they are and what they're like. It's nothing personal to you, it just sounds as though she is a bit inconsiderate.

 

Meeting up for a chat though, wouldn't hurt. Perhaps she has more things going on in her personal life that's making her out of sorts. Hard to tell right now.

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It's a matter of consideration and manners, really. But it's all a part of finding out about someone.

 

Seeing them and talking a couple times, it's difficult to get a full scope on who they are and what they're like. It's nothing personal to you, it just sounds as though she is a bit inconsiderate.

 

Meeting up for a chat though, wouldn't hurt. Perhaps she has more things going on in her personal life that's making her out of sorts. Hard to tell right now.

 

Very true, she’d originally said she had recently moved up north. Now sounds like she’s commuting each week to London (250miles difference).

 

Amazing how quickly crush feelings can subside! 😂

 

After a few weeks of feeling all crushie and a bit emotionally out of control, it’s nice to feel I’m in control of the next step.

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I slept better than I thought I would. Woke at 7 so got out for 8 and had a lovely walk with Lass.

 

50505039426_ce22d3581a_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

50505200042_701a585c53_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

50505199757_54cbf062cd_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

As for 'C'. I'm not sure what to think right now. A friend said I should still go ahead with tomorrow, which I probably will. I'm just a bit annoyed still. I'm doing a 90 mile trip today for three pupils which I didn't really need to do. I've not replied to her and don't plan to until this evening while I decide what to do.

 

I'll be glad to just get the drink out of the way tomorrow and carry on with my life.

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Coffee is on for tomorrow.

 

I text her (seen as she emailed her number last night) and said 5pm tomorrow sounds good to me. She replied saying 'perfect' an apologised again for the changing dates. I said it was fine and that I was 'looking forward to it' tomorrow.

 

So that is where we are at.........and no matter what happens, 'I am worthy of my own love' 😊

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Well, I had a lovely evening.......almost perfect.

 

To put it bluntly.....I really like her. She's funny, sweet and bit ditzy in a very cute way. We got there at 5 and were the last to leave as they were closing, she suggested we eat too which was nice, it all felt very relaxed. Hard to say what she thought. She laughed a lot at what we talked, so I think she found me funny. I mentioned a mutual friend we have and she said 'oh we should ask him to join us one time' which ultimately doesn't bode well and she mentioned that again as we were leaving.

 

However I mentioned next week being off work due to half term, and just how I'd prefer to be working rather than being stuck at home. She said she isn't around sadly as she is going to visit her sister on the other side of the country, because otherwise she would have suggested we hang out together. I get the strongest impression she is single. She mentioned she'd been on dating apps, and tried dating non musicians, but said about how important music is to us and how it effects our lives.

 

When I got home, I sent her a message saying how much I'd enjoyed it, and I hope she has a lovely time with her sister, and I would have otherwise suggested us meeting up for a walk and pub lunch. I did end it though by saying 'anyhow, I'd really like to see you again'.

 

I felt I had to say the latter, to sort of make my own feelings clear, especially with covid effecting how we may socialise again in a few weeks.

 

So far, I've not heard anything back......which made for a very restless night as I feel somewhat in no-mans land. Personally, even though she is a bit ditzy I'm not holding out much hope now.

 

Its tricky.....I'm not going to wallow in self pity, or blame myself....but its the first time I've been out with something and felt a strong attraction to them, not just how they look but their personality etc. She made me laugh, and I her.......but its stinging a bit this morning, and I'll be glad to hopefully hear from her and have an idea where things stand.

 

The one thing I can say.....I don't think I could have done anything differently.

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It sounds great, however you need to have the courage now to establish where it's going and to tell her exactly what you want.

You could ask straight out if she's single and would she be interested in dating. Why not? You could wait it out, but then it could put you in the friend zone.

 

Most people who meet up already know if it's a friend meet up or a date, being as you never established that yet, I don't see why you wouldn't do so now.

I realize you might think you'll scare her off, but again, if there is a common attraction, she will already know if it could go somewhere, or not.

By not asking, you're just biding your time till she actually tells you it's friends only.

 

It does come down to you, however, seeing as this is your life and you should do what you feel most comfortable with.

Me personally, I would prefer to know if we were on the same page or not. To sit and wait, would be a type of torture.

But it's up to you.

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It’s a fair point Sherry you make. That’s why I sent this message last night (20.17).

 

‘ Hi C. Just got home, thanks for a lovely evening, the time flew! Definitely having the fondant fancy again!

 

Have a lovely half term with your sister and new baby. If you'd been around I was going to ask if you'd have liked to have come over to the dales for a walk and pub lunch. Anyhow, I'd really like to see you again x’

 

I think the last line makes it pretty clear.

 

Currently 9.45 and nothing so far which I’m finding torture in itself (granted she’s heading back to London today).

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