Tom's Journal - Becoming the man I've always wanted to be

[SherrySher]

Good to hear about the weight loss, keep going, you'll get there.

 

Have a great weekend, Tom.

[Long Gone]

Good to hear about the weight loss, keep going, you'll get there.

 

Have a great weekend, Tom.

 

Thanks Sherry, you too!

 

I'm really pushing myself to solving my issues with codependency.....and it is becoming clear how deep it runs in my life. From wanting affection off the dog, to even waiting for replies and pm's on this forum (probably not helped be the rollercoaster of emotions I've felt on this site over the past week). Ultimately though, be it on here....or in life, I can see myself still looking for other people to make me feel better....which is wrong.

 

So I'm limiting myself to posting perhaps once a day, maybe even only logging in once a day too. Its going to take some beating this, but I'm determined to make myself a better person. I have my next counselling session tomorrow evening which is good.

[Long Gone]

Well, I'm an emotional wreck after the finale of Ashes to Ashes. I knew where it was heading after watching it broadcast back in 2010, still hits just as hard. I think watching both Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes have done me a lot of good to my mental health, I'm not sure how.....but it's all felt a very positive experience.

 

As I posted in the Codependence Dating thread, today has been special, as I was able to look at the positives in my life and the good qualities I have. I didn't sink into the realm of self loathing. I stopped myself on dwelling at being 'fat' and 'unattractive'.... it is hard to like what I see in the mirror, but I'm losing weight for the right reasons.

 

Met up with my mother tonight in the next village for a drink, she had clearly had too much and I chose not to stay long. I didn't let it get me down though, she isn't my responsibility. I'm my own person and I wont be dragged down to her level.

[Long Gone]

Morning from a rather cold UK!

 

Off to the Doctor's in half an hour. They are taking blood tests due to an ongoing health condition, 10 years I was diagnosed with a macro adenoma (benign tumour on my pituitary gland). I do not produce testosterone naturally and require supplements. Over the past two years I'd stopped taking them as I didn't feel a need to have those sort of feelings. This of course was a stupid decision because testosterone isn't just about sexual desire, and I believe is a contributing factor to my depression and weight gain. I'm also back on cabergoline which will reduce my prolactin levels (apparently I was producing the same amount as a pregnant women), again another contributing factor to weight gain.

 

Anyhow I'm back on the supplements along with other medication. The blood tests today are to check my thyroid levels and see if I require supplements. They are also offering my the flu jab (which I'll probably be wise to accept).

 

Not a fan of needles, so wish me luck!

[SherrySher]

Good luck!! Hope it all goes well. :)

[Long Gone]

Good luck!! Hope it all goes well. :)

 

Thanks SherrySher

 

Yes it went well. I'm not a fan of having my blood taken (I don't suppose many people are), but they managed to do it first time! I've also had jabs for flu and pneumonia, which in the current climate is probably a wise course of action. Lucky I'm entitled to it.

 

The nurse was over the moon at my weight loss, and said it's really noticeable (especially in my face) which gave me a slight spring in my step on the walk home.

 

I'm supposed to be meeting my mother for coffee this afternoon, but I've tried ringing her and there was no answer.....no surprise there. After last night and her being rather loud and tipsy when I met her in the pub, I'll be glad when they are gone tomorrow.

[Long Gone]

Told myself I wouldn't post as much, but here we are. Trying to keep it together, and so far doing well keeping the negative thoughts at bay.

 

Met up with my 'mother' for a drink....and her fella joined us. I quizzed her on this saying 'I thought he was taking his dogs for a run', her reply was 'ah well thats might fault, as I needed him to take me here'. I'm not stupid, this was a slight dig at me because I wont have her in my car due to covid.

I know you are all going to roll your eyes at this one, but she said 'you don't mind'....and I said 'no'.

 

I didn't want to make a scene, but out of the whole time she has been up here (since Friday), I've had about 30-45 minutes with her.

 

Felt codependent traits kicking in a little, trying to keep them back.

 

In other news, I messaged back the singing teacher on Saturday night, and said I might be popping into school tomorrow with an instrument to leave and I'd pop my head around the door and say hello.

 

How I'm feeling now, I'm honestly thinking of leaving it (doesn't help I told my mother and she said 'be careful you don't look like a stalker'.....thanks). Would it be just best leaving this, or popping into the school and saying hello, genuinely unsure now.

[LaHermes]

I am so glad, DB, that things went well at your medical appointment. You are doing well.

 

Try, DB, to let the digs and stupidity pass right over your head and off into the distance and preferably down a hole. L.

 

You don't need that kind of dross and sludge sticking to you.

 

And a bit of (unasked for L) advice. Never tell ANYONE ANYTHING of even a slightly personal nature. Keep your cards close to your chest. Sure, it was a slip-up telling her, but what the heck. Do whatever YOU feel like doing.

 

Meantime, a lot of wisdom in a saying we have here: "Say nothing, and then say nothing again.

[Long Gone]

I am so glad, DB, that things went well at your medical appointment. You are doing well.

 

Try, DB, to let the digs and stupidity pass right over your head and off into the distance and preferably down a hole. L.

 

You don't need that kind of dross and sludge sticking to you.

 

And a bit of (unasked for L) advice. Never tell ANYONE ANYTHING of even a slightly personal nature. Keep your cards close to your chest. Sure, it was a slip-up telling her, but what the heck. Do whatever YOU feel like doing.

 

Meantime, a lot of wisdom in a saying we have here: "Say nothing, and then say nothing again.

 

Thanks LH

 

It's a not good character trait of mine that I do like to share with people, info etc. I already regret titling this thread with my real name.....an example of sharing too much.

 

I'll have a 30 minute travelling window between schools tomorrow. I was going to give myself more time so I could pop in, but decided against it when I sent out the pupil timetables. See how I feel in the morning, part of me isn't feeling the wave of confidence of the past few days, but on the other hand if you don't 'take the bull by the horns' it's easy to miss your chance.

[LaHermes]

You got it, DB. And I don't see your surname anywhere. "Tom" could also be just your screen name.

 

Absolutely nothing wrong with sharing with certain people. Depending on the people, of course, and the info in question! There are people I wouldn't even share the time of day with.

It just takes practice DB.

 

Go with the feeling DB, go with the gut.

[Ian4996]

Sounds like you're making great progress with the weight loss etc. I'd definitely go and say hello to the new teacher, although I'd also do the same with any other new teachers, even if they're male or an older female (you might be doing this anyway, in which case, great!)

 

I always think that in work or indeed any social setting, a guy who makes a real effort to be friendly and get to know everyone is seen as "a great guy". Whereas as a guy who makes all the effort with the young attractive female but not with anybody else can get that creep reputation, like you mentioned. Plus it's always great to get to know new people and potentially expand your social circle.

[Rose Mosse]

I don't see how saying hello is seen as stalkerish. She might have been trying to look out for you but not very sensitive with the way she said this. I agree with Ian.. treat it like how you'd say hello to any new teacher. You're a great guy, Dalesboy. Times are tough for lots of people in isolation and not being able to meet up with friends as regularly is all kinds of weird overall. Keep up the good work with the weight loss too.

[SherrySher]

Sorry to hear that your mum is being, well....your mum. But like you said, at least it's over soon and you won't have to see her for ages after that.

 

Don't feel bad for posting, it's good to get it all out. That's what journals are for.

 

As for popping in and saying 'hi' to the lady at your school, why not? Try not to overthink it. Don't let your mum's rude comment get to you. You're not a stalker whatsoever.

Honestly, I can't believe she puts that kind of stuff in your head, it's no wonder you've got self esteem issues. Just be aware of where some of it stems from, so you can heal.

 

But no, this lady sounded quite happy to hear from you, and you're a nice guy, it's no wonder she liked hearing from you.

Crossing fingers that you have a nice interaction when you do see her again.

[Long Gone]

You guys are going to make me blush!

Thank you! If I can fit calling into the school tomorrow in my 30 minute travelling window, I'll do it. I'll only kick myself by not doing.

 

I always go into 'flight' mode in these sort of 'flight' or 'fight' situations.

 

Had a good walk earlier, and saw two deer.....they scarpered when they saw Lass though. Then had my counselling session which was good. Not a bad evening overall, and compared to other times when my mother has been to stay in the area, I'm feeling fairly positive.

[Long Gone]

Well....I did it! Spoke to her, had a nice brief chat.

 

In a nutshell, she’s lovely!

 

I’ll post more this evening once home as I think about what to do next.

[Long Gone]

Back home, have a banging headache but that's probably because I've not eaten today! Just rustling something up now.

 

Firstly, big thank you to you guys, because yesterday I convinced myself there was little point bothering to pop in and see here. By this morning I had decided I was going to do it. Went up to the top floor to leave the instrument I was dropping off and had a brief catch up with a colleague I'd not seen for nearly a year. Headed back downstairs to find a women with her back to me talking to another colleague who called my name and she turned round, and with a warm smile she said hello and asked how I was.

 

I commented to the other colleague we went to the same university/college although at different times (I reckon she's 5/6 years younger than me). I enquired her age and quickly stopped by saying, 'I shouldn't ask a lady her age', all tongue in cheek, so instead enquired what year she graduated. All small talk, but it was nice. She's really tall, I'm 6ft and think she might be slightly taller than me (she might have had heels on).

 

I parted by saying it was really nice to meet in person and I hope to meet again soon.

 

I fully admit I left the school grinning. I've not had a crush on anyone since my ex 3 years ago, so I'm actually just savouring the moment of putting the past behind me.

 

I suppose the question is, what next. I wont be teaching on the same day she is. My current thoughts are to leave it a few days, then send here an email saying it was nice to meet, and ask would she like to meet for a drink (I'll add more than that, but thats the basic gist).

 

Most importantly though, I was 'me' today....didn't try to pretend to be someone else, and rather than hiding away....I made the effort. For that, I'm proud of myself.

[SherrySher]

It sounds awesome! I am happy for you. :)

 

I don't think there'd be anything wrong with contacting her and asking her out for a drink. If it felt like it was promising, go for it! Worst case scenario is that you get a new friend, and that's still good. :) :)

 

You did well on facing your fears, it's not easy.

[Long Gone]

It sounds awesome! I am happy for you. :)

 

I don't think there'd be anything wrong with contacting her and asking her out for a drink. If it felt like it was promising, go for it! Worst case scenario is that you get a new friend, and that's still good. :) :)

 

You did well on facing your fears, it's not easy.

 

Thanks SherrySher

 

I think no matter what happens, it’s been a positive step for me.

 

I didn’t want to message her tonight, felt too ‘soon’ and thought letting a couple of days go by might be good. How would Thursday evening sound to send a message?

[SherrySher]

Yes, Thursday seems about right. Hoping it goes well for you.

[Long Gone]

Yes, Thursday seems about right. Hoping it goes well for you.

 

I’ll draft a message in here this evening, and see what you guys think.

[Long Gone]

That's another day (almost done) I've a zoom lesson in 5 mins!

 

Really enjoying my teaching at the moment, even with covid. I had a good chat with a colleague who is also a friend, she commented how much happier I am. I said no matter what happens regarding the 'her', this all feels a positive step forward regarding who I am as a person, my confidence and self worth.

[Long Gone]

Apprehension is rising a little tonight. I am pleased though how I'm dealing with this. Normally I'd be saying 'she'll reject you, what could you offer her.....she'll never look at you'. Instead my internal voice is saying 'if she says no, its nothing you have done, she might be in a relationship etc....'

 

I'm focusing on the chance she will say no, but trying not to look at that as a negative. There isn't any point in getting my hopes up, so I'm trying to be realistic.

 

So guys, how does this sound?

 

'Hi *****

 

It was great to meet you briefly on Tuesday, I hope your first day went well and the children were all well behaved!

I just wondered, if you'd like to get a coffee sometime?'

 

I'll be honest, that feels a bit to blunt and to the point.....and I worry a bit off putting. Possibly thought about adding 'in these strange times it would be great to catch up with a fellow musician'

 

Thoughts and feedback would be welcome (from a 35 year old rookie).

[SherrySher]

I'd go with the first one if you're hoping for a date type of scenario. The wording about 'fellow musician" sounds more like friends.

 

Be brave, try to be positive. She sounds like a nice person and if she's single, no reason why she wouldn't want to go out for a drink.

[Long Gone]

I'd go with the first one if you're hoping for a date type of scenario. The wording about 'fellow musician" sounds more like friends.

 

Be brave, try to be positive. She sounds like a nice person and if she's single, no reason why she wouldn't want to go out for a drink.

 

Thanks SherrySher

 

I think my niggling worry is when I send that message, she's going to think.....'so that was the plan all along' i.e with the welcoming message etc, and I'm going to look creepy. I suppose it was the sort of plan, but I wasn't sure how I'd feel until I met her yesterday.

[Rose Mosse]

If you can tell yourself that you're meeting up as work colleagues it might be safer. I'm not keen myself dating in the work place. You're opening a can of worms there so be cautious overall. I thought you were going to ask her out to coffee as a colleague. You don't know her so I wouldn't get the idea that this is a date of any sort, if that makes sense. Maybe that's what you were intending. It shouldn't be so nervewrecking if you're just going for a chat as work mates.