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Tom's Journal - Becoming the man I've always wanted to be


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Ha your posts has cheered me up maritalbliss86!

 

Spoken with a few friends today about this with 'C' and overall it has made me feel better tonight. Ultimately, I just find the lack of reply rude and perhaps all of this has just taken her off that pedestal I had unintentionally put her on.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hear from her, and when I do I wont be rushing to reply, I'm also going to be a lot more cautious about my interactions with her. As has been stated in this thread (and by friends), I don't know her.......and that age old saying 'actions speak louder than words' feels like it is ringing true at the moment.

 

I was dying to point out that she is rude, but.....sat on my hands and thought that you need to figure it out for yourself. You know what major progress is? You DID figure it out!!!!! That is huge on your end! Massive! She might be all kinds of cute and your type in terms of those butterflies, but realizing that maybe this person is not the kind of a soul that you want is so so critical and you are arriving at that ability to look at someone and say to yourself, "this is not right and I don't want to be treated like that." That is the beginnings of real confidence in yourself.

 

It doesn't mean that you won't bobble at times, but you are heading in the right direction.

 

One thing I've learned while training in sports is that progress is not a straight line up, but rather like a staircase. You move up a step and it feels amazing, but between that and the next step up there is this plateau you have to cross. Sometimes you breeze through it, but often it's kind of a slog where you feel like you take one step forward and two steps back. The key is - keep slogging, keep going, keep your eye on that big goal. You will move up that next step again. What I'm trying to say is don't get discouraged when you feel like you are slogging backwards, just keep at it and be patient with yourself and ....left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot...keep going.

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I appreciate I've been quiet over the last few weeks. We've been ok, I just haven't had the desire to really post anything. Almost two weeks ago we had a horrendous hike. Bad weather, misjudging

I hope everyone has had a nice Christmas so far. Lass hasn't been too well. The day after our hike she began vomiting, followed by diarrhoea. I called at the vets on Christmas Eve who recommended

Another from yesterday. Looking towards the Scafell range. I'll do a full write up later.

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Just an observation here, hope it comes across as constructive and not as criticism:

 

you seem to be doing really well 95% of the time. But then suddenly, you seem to have these self-destruct moments, as if you get some negative emotions and then lose all your rationality.

 

I've noticed it with your diet (doing really well and then suddenly 'I had a wobble, stuffed my face on Saturday and now I've put on half a stone'), with this woman (acknowledging that you're best just to leave it be, but then making a U-turn and continuing to pursue her) and in your Forum postings (declaring that you're leaving the forum for months but then changing your mind the following day when rationality returns, which you did a while ago too I recall)

 

I'm guessing these things happen at moments when you feel a bit down but I was wondering if, when this happens, there's a way you can sort of acknowledge 'ok I do feel a little bit down tonight but I'm going to keep control of myself and not self-destruct'?

 

You've pretty much hit the nail on the head Ian.

I have these melt downs, and then I don't know what to do, and essentially lash out. I suspect if I'm brutally honest, it is a form of attention seeking which I'm really not proud of. The other night on the forum as you say, was a good example.

 

Something to bring up with my therapist tomorrow night.

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I was dying to point out that she is rude, but.....sat on my hands and thought that you need to figure it out for yourself. You know what major progress is? You DID figure it out!!!!! That is huge on your end! Massive! She might be all kinds of cute and your type in terms of those butterflies, but realizing that maybe this person is not the kind of a soul that you want is so so critical and you are arriving at that ability to look at someone and say to yourself, "this is not right and I don't want to be treated like that." That is the beginnings of real confidence in yourself.

 

It doesn't mean that you won't bobble at times, but you are heading in the right direction.

 

One thing I've learned while training in sports is that progress is not a straight line up, but rather like a staircase. You move up a step and it feels amazing, but between that and the next step up there is this plateau you have to cross. Sometimes you breeze through it, but often it's kind of a slog where you feel like you take one step forward and two steps back. The key is - keep slogging, keep going, keep your eye on that big goal. You will move up that next step again. What I'm trying to say is don't get discouraged when you feel like you are slogging backwards, just keep at it and be patient with yourself and ....left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot...keep going.

 

Thanks DF! I and others had really tried to make excuses for her, 'she's a bit ditzy', 'isn't glued to her phone' or 'she's just busy', but it's nearly a week that's gone by since I last messaged. All it would have taken was a 'thanks Tom, but I'm doing ok'.

 

I'm starting to think (sadly) the inclusion of the 'fancy meeting up again' was done to keep me dangling and invested. I could be wrong (and I actually hope I am wrong because I don't like to think people are like that).

 

What I will say though, is I'm feeling a lot better about it all tonight. Its always my worry that a rejection would knock me back, but right now.....I don't know if I'm that invested in her anymore.

 

I'm going to be treading very carefully.

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You are aware, so to piggyback on Ian's suggestion how about just saying you're having a rough day? None of us will judge you for that because, Lord knows, we all have those days.

 

Also, I don't know what methods your therapist has suggested but next time you want to gorge on food maybe try some behavior modification. Something as simple as a rubber band on your wrist that you can snap whenever you try to convince yourself that gorging on food is a great idea, or that you "deserve" it. Also, have you followed through on the idea of non-food rewards? Instead of a "cheat day" that involves food, how about that idea of buying clothing in your new, smaller size? Or buy yourself flowers, or a book, or a movie on DVD or Blu-Ray, etc...anything other than food. That way you'll learn that food is something that ensures survival, not something we use to try to make ourselves feel better. Because you'd likely not have feelings of guilt or shame or of setting yourself back if you buy a book or plant or jeans instead of fish and chips or donuts.

 

Try not to be your own worst enemy. Life can be rough enough without us sabotaging ourselves.

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Thanks DF! I and others had really tried to make excuses for her, 'she's a bit ditzy', 'isn't glued to her phone' or 'she's just busy', but it's nearly a week that's gone by since I last messaged. All it would have taken was a 'thanks Tom, but I'm doing ok'.

 

I'm starting to think (sadly) the inclusion of the 'fancy meeting up again' was done to keep me dangling and invested. I could be wrong (and I actually hope I am wrong because I don't like to think people are like that).

 

What I will say though, is I'm feeling a lot better about it all tonight. Its always my worry that a rejection would knock me back, but right now.....I don't know if I'm that invested in her anymore.

 

I'm going to be treading very carefully.

 

That's kind of the key - rather than making excuses, you've got to learn to look and accept the person at face value. Saying "thanks for trying" or "thanks for looking into it" takes but a second and it is the most basic of decencies. She IS being rude by going radio silence. She is showing you who she is as a person. No reason to sugar coat that. It's either acceptable to you or it isn't.....it shouldn't be......

 

I don't think she is stringing you along with suggestions or promises to meet, though. She has no reason to. I think it's another thing you need to just take at face value. Sure, she might have liked your company and might want to have another lunch or coffee or whatever.....but...YOU have to judge for yourself if someone who is rude and flaky is the sort of a person that YOU want to waste your time and energy on. Is this good enough for you?

 

Personally, I say no. Keep going. There are plenty of other cute girls who will get those butterflies going, but what's on the inside matters too. Remember that beauty is not just about the outside, but also about the inside and you should insist on both. It IS attainable.

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That's kind of the key - rather than making excuses, you've got to learn to look and accept the person at face value. Saying "thanks for trying" or "thanks for looking into it" takes but a second and it is the most basic of decencies. She IS being rude by going radio silence. She is showing you who she is as a person. No reason to sugar coat that. It's either acceptable to you or it isn't.....it shouldn't be......

 

I don't think she is stringing you along with suggestions or promises to meet, though. She has no reason to. I think it's another thing you need to just take at face value. Sure, she might have liked your company and might want to have another lunch or coffee or whatever.....but...YOU have to judge for yourself if someone who is rude and flaky is the sort of a person that YOU want to waste your time and energy on. Is this good enough for you?

 

Personally, I say no. Keep going. There are plenty of other cute girls who will get those butterflies going, but what's on the inside matters too. Remember that beauty is not just about the outside, but also about the inside and you should insist on both. It IS attainable.

 

Thanks DF. Yep, all very good points.

This as you say, does show a good sign of progress. The old me would have just gone into full on meltdown of 'what did I do' or 'I must have upset her' before going into further depths of 'No wonder she is being like this, she would never look at you'. Granted, some old traits returned the other night, but I quickly (and thanks to people here) brushed it off. I also feel I'm taking control of the situation is giving me some real strength right now. I know, I have done nothing wrong and have only ever tried to show a true, genuine representation of myself.

 

The overall positive though is that right now, the thoughts of losing weight, hiking and my own confidence journey are exciting me more than the thoughts of her.

 

Sunday I have a really special hike planned. I'll post more after we've completed it, but this particular hike puts to bed some demons from three years ago from a previous relationship and when I last attempted it (and failed).

 

This is where we are going!

 

24443937711_b6d878d814_k.jpgCatbells Panoramic by Dave Fieldhouse, on Flickr

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Not a bad day today. Left the house at 6.30 to start teaching at 8.05, 60 miles away. A fair old commute!

I was finished just after 13.30 so once home, Lass and I had a good walk...beautiful autumnal evening, very chilly though....3 degrees!

50620572018_b74016ea62_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

I'm teaching a pupil online in 15 minutes, and then I've my second therapy session at 19.15, so fairly busy all round but in a positive way!

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A really productive therapy session this evening. We touched on several aspects, but essentially it seems I’m on the right track with the way I’m dealing with things.

 

Talked about my self destruct button and my therapist suggested checking myself by thinking about the ‘parent/adult/child’ scenario and think how I’m acting.

 

Very positive way to end the day.

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Good stuff! Interested to know about the parent adult child scenario?

 

I do like Catbells by the way, it's a great view from the top!

 

Thanks Ian

It's what is referred to as 'Transactional Analysis' (I'm no expert) but I've been using it as reference before and find it very helpful. It somewhat goes to explain how we think.

 

I was going to type them out, but realised I probably was getting it wrong, so I thought it easier to find an article.

https://medium.com/@NataliMorad/how-to-communicate-better-with-transactional-analysis-d0d32f9d50da

 

Really looking forward to Catbells..... we are getting there for dawn, so should capture the sun hitting the surrounding fells and mountains. That will be my first Wainwright (first of all 214). So excited right now!

 

For those wondering what a Wainwright is, Alfred Wainwright documented the 214 peaks/mountains/fells of the Lake District/Lakeland.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Wainwrights

 

Another lovely shot of Catbells by Derwent Water.

48789165142_d3b3616e6f_4k.jpgCatbells by Innes2011, on Flickr

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Well, I've pretty much procrastinated today.

 

I've felt a bit.....flat, not down but a bit lost. I think this is because 'C' has occupied my mind so much over the last few months.....and essentially I've lost a lot of interest (which is good I suppose).

 

More reason to work on myself and work on improving who I am.

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Not a bad day today. Left the house at 6.30 to start teaching at 8.05, 60 miles away. A fair old commute!

I was finished just after 13.30 so once home, Lass and I had a good walk...beautiful autumnal evening, very chilly though....3 degrees!

50620572018_b74016ea62_k.jpgUntitled by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

I'm teaching a pupil online in 15 minutes, and then I've my second therapy session at 19.15, so fairly busy all round but in a positive way!

 

oh gorgeous ...you said you were going to get out hiking and taking pictures again ....amazing well done

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oh gorgeous ...you said you were going to get out hiking and taking pictures again ....amazing well done

 

Thanks Pippy!

I'm loving getting out and about again.

The weather is mixed here (very windy) but Lass and I are just nipping to the shops (only an 8 mile drive 😂), then I'm teaching on zoom for half an hour.

 

Last weeks binging on food has paid its price. It's only taken a week for me to get down to last weeks weight..... lesson learned!

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Thanks Pippy!

I'm loving getting out and about again.

The weather is mixed here (very windy) but Lass and I are just nipping to the shops (only an 8 mile drive 😂), then I'm teaching on zoom for half an hour.

 

Last weeks binging on food has paid its price. It's only taken a week for me to get down to last weeks weight..... lesson learned!

 

Oh don't talk to me about binging , it will take me about 5 years to undo what I have done loooooooooooooool

 

8 mile drive hahaha oh my ....my local shop is 5 doors down ...sometimes I just pop with a long coat over my jim jams ...save on all the changing clothes just to get a pint of milk :D:D

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Oh don't talk to me about binging , it will take me about 5 years to undo what I have done loooooooooooooool

 

8 mile drive hahaha oh my ....my local shop is 5 doors down ...sometimes I just pop with a long coat over my jim jams ...save on all the changing clothes just to get a pint of milk :D:D

 

It's very difficult when you are emotionally inclined a certain way. My go to food would be to make a batch of pancakes (crepes) and eat with lemon and sugar.....I've not eaten that in months, and have no intention to.

 

Tonight the fire is lit, and I'm about to watch 'Fellowship of the Ring' extended edition. Need to be in bed early, getting up at 5.30am tomorrow, to head out for the drive to the hike.

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I can say I do munch away and snack on things to comfort myself so I empathize. Do you do meal preps? The below may be totally uninteresting and unrelated but I'll share some tips and hacks for getting me through these cravings. My ex had a very tough time with losing weight and keeping it off so we went on a journey for a few years. Eventually things became more practiced and easier with time so he was able to control his urges much better. What works for one person though might not work for everyone. I have continued a lot of these practices as I just find they're a lot more practical to have or do than not do especially if I'm tired or busy or don't want to think multiple times a month about what I need to buy in order to have for meals throughout the month. I'm one of those cooks who loves to cook but dislikes having to overthink about meals.

 

I find cravings easier to control when there is a readily available stash or array of snacks and what I like to call core or main meals in the freezer. Eating well during those main meals also tends to eliminate a lot of cravings for me because I'm less hungry less often. What I do is shop at the minimum for a month's worth of meat, prep them into meal sizes, freeze them and have them sorted in flat bags. We used to cryovac all meats but I can't be bothered to be that fancy and I work a lot faster with simple materials. This means sandwich size ziploc bags work just fine and I make sure all the air is flattened out of the bags before I stack them flat. Once the flattened and portioned sizes of meats are frozen (I check the next day), I stand them up in a filing system in the freezer organized by date of freeze. lol I promise it is not as neurotic as it sounds. I'm not at all a neat freak but I do try to keep the kitchen orderly. I've found I really do enjoy cooking so I always feel rotten and disappointed with myself eating out (ordering in these days) if I don't have options at home or if I end up gorging on something I shouldn't have with little nutritional value.

 

As for snacks I keep bins in the larder. They're unlabeled but they're somewhat organized by level of no good to acceptable. I always make sure I have something sugarfree whether in the freezer or in the bins as an alternative. I know the way my mind works though. Having access to the 'no goods' next to the 'acceptables', I almost always choose the acceptables over the no goods so I trick my mind into thinking that even though there's a huge selection readily available, there's a choice I can make and given that choice I almost always pick the snack with less sugar or less carb. My ex had more trouble with this not because he couldn't control the urges to eat all of it but because his anxiety shot up like crazy whenever he saw those foods that reminded him of what he used to be so I was respectful of this. I like the Kirkland brand dried seaweed for snacks as a salty alternative to chips and other foods. They are also portion sized in individual packs so I don't worry about finishing a family sized bag of Ms. Vickies Jalapeno in one sitting.

 

It sounds like you have a good understanding of why you're comfort eating and you're finding ways to halt or curb that. I think it also helps having a good selection of prepped meals that are easy to use readily available any day or time of the week. I have a dehydrator that I also use to dry meats as these are great for hikes and camping trips. A lot of the store-bought snacks are okay but how fun is it to make your own and season the meats to your liking. I'm a fan of sesame oil and chilies marinated with thin slices of tenderloin pork, stick them in the dehydrator and you now have salty protein snacks. I would like to get a smoker as well.

 

Hope you enjoy the hike.. looks amazing.

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That is indeed impressive Rose, wow!

 

I have to admit, I'm not great with cooking. I'm too disorganised and find when I get home from work, I want something that is there ready.

At the moment I'm very much sticking to soups as my staple diet. It is interesting that the injections aren't suppressing my appetite as much as they use to, and I'm having to increasingly rely on will power.

 

Sea weed as a snack sounds good....I suppose they are a bit like healthy crisps.

 

I make sure I don't have junk food in the house (other than some Lindt chocolate which I'm having after tomorrow's hike, I think I'll need it).

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At the moment I'm very much sticking to soups as my staple diet. It is interesting that the injections aren't suppressing my appetite as much as they use to, and I'm having to increasingly rely on will power.

 

I think re the diet, it'd be worth you starting to think long-term.

 

From what I've read of your posts re food, you sound like quite a lot of people I know who are always seemingly going round this 'lose weight gain weight' cycle. They 'go on a diet' and this diet is usually extreme. They'll cut out any food at all which is slightly fattening and just eat salad or just eat soup or whatever. And they'll lose a decent chunk of weight for a while. The problem though is that the diet isn't sustainable because it's too far removed from a normal diet. So after a while, they 'fall off the wagon' and pile the weight back on. They then start another diet and the cycle continues.

 

What I'd try to aspire to if I were you is an all round healthy but balanced diet that's not too extreme so that it is sustainable long-term. I've been a lot heavier myself (I gained 4 stone a few years ago after knee surgeries put me out of action for 2 years) but I've since lost it all and kept it all off. And I think the main reason I've kept it off is that my diet is healthy and balanced but not extreme (I eat around 3000 calories a day with 200g protein) - so it's easy to stick to. Hope I don't sound like I'm p***ing on your parade too much because, as you said, you've lost a decent chunk - I'm just thinking long-term (soup isn't going to be the staple of your diet for the rest of your life!)

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Hi Ian

 

You are very much right, and I should have been more clear that my current diet is only short term. Although I mentioned relying on will power, the injections do still suppress my hunger. This is working to get my weight down for the moment, and I really don't want to effect that right now and all the positives it is bringing.

 

However once I start to reach my goal, (possibly sooner) I'm going to start changing things up a bit.

 

As someone who has been susceptible to high blood sugars and was classed as diabetes, any long term diet is going to have to be inclined towards low carb, to avoid raising my blood sugars. I had some good success regarding keto a couple of years ago. Lost around 3-4 stone and lowered my blood sugars to pre diabetic levels without the need for medication. Unfortunately my emotional eating meant I still increased my weight over the last year.

 

Very good points you make though, but I did want to just make it clear I wasn't doing this blindly.

 

Right, I've a mountain to climb! Catch you all later.4

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I can't describe how wonderful this morning was.

 

I started the walk at about 7.50 and reached the summit about an hour later, which was pretty good going. The ascent is about 1150ft, so not that big, but the climb is over a fairly short distance. Being right by the town of Keswick, you tend to get none walker types going up too, which is good if it gets people experiencing the great outdoors. What wasn't so great was on reaching the summit, I find two girls playing music loud on their iPhone (so much the peace and tranquility) and a young couple smoking weed..... not quite what I expected.

 

50633390672_f2dcd772c5_k.jpgCatbells Summit North (1) by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

Anyhow I moved off the summit heading south, which it then becomes clear who are the fell walkers continuing on, and it becomes quieter. I then headed south into the Newland Valley, which has to be one of the most beautiful valleys in Lakeland (if not the UK).

 

50633390132_f2822aef62_k.jpgDSC07743 (2) by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

50633299491_f332fab557_k.jpgDSC07753 (1) by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

What made today more special, is that it puts to bed demons from three years ago. 26th December 2017, I attempted Catbells in desperation to do something that made me happy. The man my mother is having an affair with turned up at my house, went to bed in my late Dad's room where my Mother was staying....and my Mother joined him. The woman I was in a relationship was clearly backing away (the relationship ended two days later) and I felt completely lost. I managed about a quarter of the way up the mountain and turned around.

 

22nd November 2020....and I reached the summit! So happy right now! It was funny as we were heading back, and I was taking in the scenery. I said out loud 'I don't need 'C' when I have all this'. Certainly reminded me to what being happy really means.

 

50633386447_0986beb12b_k.jpgDSC07762 (1) by Dales Boy, on Flickr

 

So that's my first Wainwright completed.... the question is, what's next?

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