My problem or his...

[MissCanuck]

This is not good.

 

No way around it, he's investing too much of his time and energy into an online "fling", for lack of a better word. He's hooked on her.

 

Your relationship does not sound like a healthy one. Covid or not, it moved way too quickly and now you're learning what type of man he really is. Personally, I would tell him to find someone else to enable him and his emotional affair. See ya later, dude.

[lostandhurt]

Well you found yourself a real gem didn't you? Now how best to remove this dud from your life.

 

Reading all the replies and your posts you need to break this down to it's simplest terms.

 

It doesn't matter how far away this other woman lives. What he was/is doing is inappropriate. (probably some dude pretending to be a woman anyways)

 

He is lazy

 

He is married

 

He shows no empathy about how his actions hurt you

 

I read a lot of words on this thread and all I saw were tons of cons and no pros on the list of this guy.

 

You are no responsible for him or to him so tell him he has one week to get out. Don't worry he will find some one else to mooch off of...

 

Lost

[bluecastle]

My sense here is that is that the Facebook woman isn't even something to be concerned about to the point where labeling it an "emotional affair," much as it may be that, risks fogging the lens rather than bringing about any clarity. Not even sure the distinction between separated and married is the critical piece. Devoting significant emotional energy toward both those points, I fear, just amplifies the very noise that prevents you from being able to do what's so needed here: listening to yourself.

 

All in all, it seems that your main motivation for getting into this relationship is a fear of being alone—coupled, perhaps, with a desire to rescue a wayward soul (or yourself through one) rather than connect to an equal. Subtract this whole unfortunate Facebook drama from the equation, and the limitations of such a bond are more than apparent, and have been for nearly a year. Moving in was not a celebration of your connection and mutual intentionality, for instance, but a reward of desperation: his desperation created by life choices before you knew him, your desperation to avoid solitude at all costs.

 

What we reward—in ourselves, in others, in a co-created dynamic—will only grow.

 

These are not fun things to think about, not fun lessons to learn. I can understand how avoiding them—by trying to make heads or tails out of his mess, by trying to be the broom that cleans it up—could be more appealing, at least in the way that a shot of whiskey is sometimes more appealing than doing 50 pushups. But I do hope you can come to see this whole experience—not the Facebook discovery, but all that predated it—as life tapping you on the shoulder, telling you that you are so much bigger than all this, and asking you to let go of this small change so you can embrace those riches and, sooner than you know, share them with someone deserving.

[LaHermes]

Fully endorse your post Blue. Life is tapping the OP on the shoulder.

 

"All in all, it seems that your main motivation for getting into this relationship is a fear of being alone"

 

We keep reading on here from people who are terrified of being "alone". And who put up with the most unsavoury and outlandish situations to avoid being alone.

 

I do so wish I could get an explanation of what a "fear of being alone" actually means. Fear of burglars and other evildoers crashing through the door, or, far more likely, terror at the idea of sitting alone with one's own thoughts and examining the "self".

[boltnrun]

Fully endorse your post Blue. Life is tapping the OP on the shoulder.

 

"All in all, it seems that your main motivation for getting into this relationship is a fear of being alone"

 

We keep reading on here from people who are terrified of being "alone". And who put up with the most unsavoury and outlandish situations to avoid being alone.

 

I do so wish I could get an explanation of what a "fear of being alone" actually means. Fear of burglars and other evildoers crashing through the door, or, far more likely, terror at the idea of sitting alone with one's own thoughts and examining the "self".

 

Totally agree.

 

I never understand what perils people believe will befall them if they're "alone". I find it's mostly that they don't like themselves that much and instead of doing work to turn into someone they do like they choose to distract themselves with another person. And it seems the more dysfunctional the better because that means complete and total submersion into that other person, so they can avoid themselves completely. And when the relationship inevitably ends they panic because there they are, alone with the one person they despise; themselves.

 

OP, this man will not make your own issues go away. He just adds to them.

[LaHermes]

Very insightful Bolt.

 

"And it seems the more dysfunctional the better because that means complete and total submersion into that other person, so they can avoid themselves completely. "

 

So, OP, what's it going to be, based on the excellent advice you are getting here?

[reinventmyself]

I think you need to take a step and ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship.

It's clear what he is. A (sometimes free) roof over his head, a parttime home/psuedo family for his son. Someone who will fully support him while he's struggling. A full time housekeeper and a part time mom.

 

Reread what you've written and in it you will see endless excuses you've made for his behaviours.

 

It's admirable that you've been there for him. It's why we have a partner in life. I am curious, if the tables were turned could you confidently say he'd do the same for you? Not only have you pulled the majority of weight to keep this relationship going, he is clearly unappreciative.

 

You want to save this relationship, but it will only work with the geniune concerted effort on both parts. Not just your wishful thinking.

 

About the online friendship. I fully support having opposite sex friendships. So does my boyfriend. But the boundary I live by, is friends of the opposite sex should be to be just as much my partners friend as mine. It doesn't mean they need to be, but we look within and gauge if the opportunity was there would I bring my male friend around my boyfriend? The answer is a resounding yes. If there is any hesitation, it's likely due to some underlying connection that isn't respectful of someones relationship. Possibly some lingering attraction or unsaid intention. I expect the same from my boyfriend and it's a non issue. We share the same value You need to be totally transparent about your interactions and time spent with them. Just as you would any friend, no matter their gender.

 

That is clearly not happening with your guy. He's not transparent about it, he takes the issue off the table when asked and just the sheer amount of time they interact is suspect. Remember the time and attention he dedicates to this friendship is energy he isn't putting into your relationship. I'd call b.s. on this. Yet, you make excuses and are trying to twist yourself into being the cool, understanding girlfriend.

Would you have a secret online male friend that you spend countless hours interacting with and consider it off limits to your man and expect him to just understand and be cool about it? If you wouldn't, then that's an impasse and an important value you don't share. And it's a critical value that will take a relationship down.

[maew]

In the beginning the relationship felt stable and solid but things really seemed to change when he moved in last October. I understand that it must have been difficult for him, having lost his job, but I was left feeling like this was a choice he HAD to make instead of one he wanted to make. I also don't feel like what I've done and continue to do is really appreciated. Anytime an issue comes up with his ex, he never sides with me, he instead just doesn't want to engage to make HIS life easier. For example, the three of us (me, him, his son) have a movie night on Fridays. A few weeks ago his ex text him that the son really needs to get all of his homework finished before a movie. Totally understandable. The kid has had issues focusing on online learning and she was the one with access to his assignments so she knew what was and wasn't getting done. But the following week when we told him no movie until homework was finished he tried to pull the whole "mom said if I finished X I could do Y after the movie". Now, the kid may have been lying to get to watch a movie early, but my boyfriend wouldn't even text his ex to see what the situation was. I told him after they moved in that I didn't want her making rules for OUR house. She doesn't live here, has never lived here, and will never live here so she doesn't get to make the rules. So it really pissed me off that he wouldn't even try to address this. He just claimed "I'm sure she was just trying to help" and then wants me to drop it. I try to be sensitive to the power imbalance in our relationship (I make more money, pay more of the bills, and I bought this house well before I even knew him) so I don't want to throw around the "my house, my rules" trope, but I'm really sick of feeling like I have LESS say in my own home than his ex does! But of course he doesn't see it this way.

 

No one has addressed this yet so I will... first of all, how they choose to parent is absolutely none of your business. Second... yes she can make rules for her child in your house, she is the child's mother and not only are you not his mother you aren't even his step parent.

 

This little bit of explanation speaks to what you mentioned before about your insecurity... you can't fix your insecurity by trying to control him or his child... you need to start with you, and that means you need to focus on building confidence and trust in yourself without having to control what goes on in your home.

[Wiseman2]

Exactly. Since she has no legal standing, his child is nothing more than a guest in her home, so she does not have to allow him in her house or entertain him. It's outrageous that he even brings his child there that much.

Second... yes she can make rules for her child in your house, she is the child's mother and not only are you not his mother you aren't even his step parent.

[LaHermes]

All right OP.

 

Define a healthy relationship, as in, what that means to you in all its aspects.

 

" I thought that we had committed to trying to have a healthy relationship"

 

To start with, a power imbalance is not conducive to a healthy relationship.

 

"I make more money, pay more of the bills, and I bought this house well before I even knew him"

 

What you actually have on your hands, OP, is a "kept man". Worse still, a bone lazy kept man.

[bluecastle]

No one has addressed this yet so I will... first of all, how they choose to parent is absolutely none of your business. Second... yes she can make rules for her child in your house, she is the child's mother and not only are you not his mother you aren't even his step parent.

 

Yeah, I was thinking about this as well.

 

Tying it back into some larger themes, I just think it reinforces how important it is—and easier—to build a relationship with someone who you respect, and who lives their life in a way you admire. So much security in all that. I couldn't imagine making a single suggestion to my girlfriend about how she and her ex parent their child, for example, but neither could I imagine her being my girlfriend if I fundamentally thought she and her ex were incapable of raising their child with grace and moxie.

 

I hope OP comes back with some thoughts, some feelings, some questions. Can imagine there's a lot of digesting going on, not all of it easy.