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Loneranger77
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Hi everyone, need some advice from a neutral perspective, will try and keep it brief.

I met a girl 7 years ago, we were the best of friends but both married. Then one day 4 years ago she told me her relationship was over, that's when I realised I had feelings, I could feel the blood draining from my face and my stomach turned. My marriage was also on the rocks, we drifted apart and separated over 2 years ago.

After some time we decided to make a go of it. It had always been a turbulent friendship, little did I know that she loved me the whole time and suffered quite a lot with seeing family social media posts etc.

Early last year she decided we should go separate ways as it wasn't working which came as a surprise to me, I was suffering with some personal issues, I almost lost my job and sunk into depression and severe anxiety. I managed to talk her round after a few months of pleading, I was a mess.

I managed to sort myself out, things had been great then lockdown happened. We were apart and she resented me for it, I waited too long in the past and should have been living with her. Again after a month she let me back in, then the revelation that her family disliked me because of how bad it looked with ex partners and how it looked like we were home wreckers, she sobbed so much. So I was dumped again, her family mean everything to her. I said some awful but truthful things about our sex life which she uses against me at every opportunity. Again, I talked her round and we had some lovely days together including my birthday but she wasn't affectionate and said she still needed time, I was happy to be patient until I made a joke in passing a few weeks ago but she lost her mind and said I'm pressuring her. I asked because I was planning a romantic evening as a surprise, I booked a restaurant and I had bought her an eternity ring, something we had talked about. She blocked me everywhere and said we are over, I have no way of contacting her other than email. She insulted me which left me in tears and I let rip, I told her some home truths and was nasty about one of her sisters. This all happened three weeks ago, by now shes normally calmed down a bit but she's insisting we are over and it still being cold, despite me having a health scare. She tells me she's moving on and is looking forward to dating again and getting to know someone else, she doesn't feel the same about me anymore.

So my question is, is this now time to admit defeat as this is becoming a bit toxic? I feel I should but I've never felt this way about anyone before, she used to say the same about me. Or do I give her time and space? Just to add, she suffers with jealousy and has trust issues, she's been known to ruin nights out for me or if ever one of us is on holiday it's a guaranteed argument. I do get a bit of unwanted female attention from time to time but my head will never be turned.

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Good grief it's long past time to put this to rest. You two cant get along, treat each other poorly, so why are you hanging on to something that just isn't working? She seems to have many issues that may benefit from some counselling, and so do you. You should work on you, get sorted out, and then you can date someone new.

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Both of you need time to sort out the ends of your marriages. You mentioned you've been separated for two years but are you divorced? Let the divorce go through on your side and take your time. Someone who pressures you isn't in the best frame of mind or headspace enough to support a relationship. It doesn't sound healthy.

 

What's happening now anyway doesn't leave you much of a choice because she's ended things so let it be. You have your work to handle now if it's a new job. Try and get back on your feet and set up a nice, comfortable life for yourself before getting back into dating again. Don't be swayed by what others have done in the past or what she or others are doing. It may feel like a competition but it's not. You create your own rules and do as you feel is right for you and stick to what you feel is best. Don't stand by for insults and bullying. Just cut off that contact respectfully and move forwards.

 

Maybe both of you trauma-bonded and clung to each other in the uncertainty of your marriages ending earlier. Let it go. You have to grow forwards and learn to be independent before you can love again or give yourself fully to a relationship. I don't like the way she's so emotional about your respective families' judgment of the both of you. I didn't have the support of my family actually when I was separating - it was hard for anyone to understand and I stopped justifying it and found other sources of support. I think you need to find someone more resilient and independent like you if you aren't so easily irked by what others think of your marriage failing. Move forwards, put this behind you.

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You said it yourself, she has issues. Surely you can see this would never have worked even on one of her good days. I think you need to sort yourself out mentally, and completely step away from her...like forever. And as for you, if you love someone, you don't belittle them, insult them, and purposely hurt them, because you are upset about something. If you keep that process up, you will continue to be kicked to the curb by future Gfs. You were just as much to blame as her, for contributing to the toxicity of this relaiotnship.

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I am to blame and I'm fully accepting of that. I've apologised on numerous occasions for my part, she never has and never will. I think it was because she's literally had me jumping through hoops all summer during a pandemic and i thought I deserved better than the way she was treating me, it built up inside especially when she blocked me, wouldn't take my calls etc and basically belittled me for the way I handled the death of my mother. I can't explain it, we go months where we make some wonderful memories and then one day all hell breaks loose! But thanks for the advice, I may lose my head when pushed to the absolute limit but I want better for myself... I never argued once with my ex wife in 12 years though. I know it will break me seeing her with someone else, turns my stomach.

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Yup- move on.. you two sound toxic together :/.

Do NOT bother her anymore. Leave it alone now.

 

I do not believe.. ' you never felt this way about anyone before'.. YOu married before, yes?

I feel it was all 'lust' for you and is always great, in the beginning. ( honeymoon phase).

 

She just didnt have it in her, is how I see it.

 

Early last year she decided we should go separate ways as it wasn't working which came as a surprise to me, I was suffering with some personal issues, I almost lost my job and sunk into depression and severe anxiety. I managed to talk her round after a few months of pleading, I was a mess.

- Yeah, you said it.. you were a mess. Not a good thing to bring onto a partner - most probable a large issue.

 

 

one day 4 years ago she told me her relationship was over, that's when I realised I had feelings, I could feel the blood draining from my face and my stomach turned. My marriage was also on the rocks, we drifted apart and separated over 2 years ago.

- IMO, this is when you should have moved along.

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She sounds a bit of a narcissists, might have borderline personality disorder. When someone behaves that badly and doesn't take any accountability, that's emotional abuse. She is an abuser. I know, I was in an abusive relationship and staying with them, or chasing them is a sickness. Man you need to get this girl out of your life. Block/delete, stop stalking her on social media. When I look back on my experience, I wish I never cared so much for that person. It was so unhealthy.

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She sounds a bit of a narcissists, might have borderline personality disorder. When someone behaves that badly and doesn't take any accountability, that's emotional abuse. She is an abuser. I know, I was in an abusive relationship and staying with them, or chasing them is a sickness. Man you need to get this girl out of your life. Block/delete, stop stalking her on social media. When I look back on my experience, I wish I never cared so much for that person. It was so unhealthy.

 

You're absolutely right but she thinks I'm the deluded one! Definitely has trust issues, says she trusts me but doesn't trust other women. I'm in far better shape than when we met, I'd say I look younger too and I'm full of confidence. She knows this and her behaviour has got worse, coincidence?

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Sorry to hear this. Hopefully you've had a chance to see your doctor and therapist for the depression and severe anxiety. Did you move in with her family? Are both/either of you legally divorced?

 

It's best to let this go. You seem to bring out the worst in each other.

 

I almost lost my job and sunk into depression and severe anxiety.

 

her family disliked me because of how bad it looked with ex partners and how it looked like we were home wreckers, she sobbed so much.

 

I let rip, I told her some home truths and was nasty about one of her sisters.

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Sorry to hear this. Hopefully you've had a chance to see your doctor and therapist for the depression and severe anxiety. Did you move in with her family? Are both/either of you legally divorced?

 

It's best to let this go. You seem to bring out the worst in each other.

 

I did get help, it took some time but I was able to come off my medication a few months ago. I had a lot happen at once, was tough. I feel great now though! She is legally divorced, I'm not.

 

She has said she doesn't like what I make her become, again she takes no responsibility and blames me. I have barely put a foot wrong for a long time and the latest blow up came from absolutely nothing.

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So my question is, is this now time to admit defeat as this is becoming a bit toxic?

 

A bit toxic? The whole thing is toxic.

 

How you met, getting together after failed marriages, her family doesn't like you, you and her attacking each other when things go wrong, saying the worst things you can think of.

Problems with the sex life, problems with you judging her family and telling her so.

Toxic, toxic, toxic.

 

You two are completely wrong for each other and to be honest, both of you sound like you've got too many issues to be in any kind of healthy relationship with anyone right now.

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You're not addressing the end of your marriage if you're not getting legally divorced. It's been two years already. Was there a specific reason for the delay? Start here and then think about dating or seeing other people. You'll be surprised how quickly the clouds will part and your vision will clear. You'll make better decisions about who you want in your life if you give yourself a proper chance to start over.

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From the outside looking in, I couldn't have imagined any other outcome, because neither of you know how to be in a relationship. It's no wonder both your marriages ended. You don't enter into a close friendship with a female you share chemistry with when you're married. It doesn't matter that you didn't have sex with anyone else while married. That sort of friendship isn't good for a marriage. You both sought excitement, an emotional refuge, or whatever else you got from communicating and hanging out, instead of devoting that time to what you should have been doing--fixing your marriages or divorcing so you could be free and clear to communicate with another female. And normally after a marriage ends, it's a good long while, at least a year, before you'd be mentally and emotionally ready to be a good partner to anyone, and to choose wisely.

 

Learn how to be happy solo before dating again. And in the future, place some boundaries on yourself when it comes to being in relationships. Stick to guy friends. It's a lot safer.

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It's always difficult from the outside looking in, because what you write shows two very broken but well-meaning people sort of dumping all over each other, but that doesn't take into account all the love and joy you brought to each other. I am sorry that it's gone this way, but given what you've written, I think you both need time to sort yourselves out properly (which is even harder with 2020 being what it is). I do wish you both the best of luck, though.

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It's always difficult from the outside looking in, because what you write shows two very broken but well-meaning people sort of dumping all over each other, but that doesn't take into account all the love and joy you brought to each other. I am sorry that it's gone this way, but given what you've written, I think you both need time to sort yourselves out properly (which is even harder with 2020 being what it is). I do wish you both the best of luck, though.

 

We did bring a lot of joy to each other, so many happy memories. I tend to think of them when we fall out, she thinks of the bad things or goes stalking my ex wife to find more ammunition on me. Unfortunately we don't know how to deal with disagreements, I tend to get over things very quickly, hold my hands up and say sorry, she drags things on for weeks.

As for my marriage, yes it's a shame but we are on very good terms and both been adults about it. We had 12 years together. Also part of the problem, I don't have a bad word to say about her and won't join in when she's being put down but the 'toxic one'. Jealousy issues like I referred to earlier.

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Just an update, I've previously said to her that I don't like the way our story ended, being dumped by message and not even a phone call since (guess it shows her level of maturity). Yesterday she emailed and said she would like to meet to say goodbye & perhaps go for dinner, also told me how great she's doing, doesn't miss me, far more relaxed without me etc. Is this a good idea to say goodbye and have some sort of closure or is it likely to be 'look at how great I'm doing without you' and a point scoring exercise?

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No, leave it. Leave the situation the way it is. I can't imagine why someone would do that or want to have dinner with you to show you how great she's doing. If she is doing great, why flaunt it and I suspect you'd be footing her dinner bill? I think she's looking for a free meal.

 

Let this be. If you want to be gracious about it, let her know it's not a good idea and you wish her the best with the future.

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Thank you for your words of wisdom, absolutely right not to see her. I've replied and apologised for telling her a few home truths in the past, accepted my part in the failure of this relationship (unlike her) and wished her all the best. I expect a vile reply but I won't rise to it. Chapter closed, time to move on as hard as it is.

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