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You find a condom wrapper under the bed and he confesses that it's his ...


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Damn right. And thoughtless ...unless he just subconsciously wanted to remind me that he did as he pleases and answers to no one.

 

Whatever he is he's not right for you because it upset you. Don't feel too down. Pick yourself up and let go of this guy. Completely remove his contact and don't respond to him anymore.

 

Move forwards - let go of this person. After awhile you'll be able to shrug it off but I understand what you mean and how disappointing it is even if there were signs at the start.

 

Do you have to quarantine for 14 days after the flight?

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But if you hadn’t found the condom wrapper, you might still be coasting along thinking this fling was more than it is, without having any clue that he’s actively seeing and having sex with other women.

 

I doubt this was intentional on his part, but I would see it as a blessing in disguise. You now know not to waste any more time, effort or money on this.

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But if you hadn’t found the condom wrapper, you might still be coasting along thinking this fling was more than it is, without having any clue that he’s actively seeing and having sex with other women.

 

I doubt this was intentional on his part, but I would see it as a blessing in disguise. You now know not to waste any more time, effort or money on this.

 

Certainly is a blessing in disguise. I'm not wasting time any more time on this idiot man-child. :D

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I have a couple of questions.

 

Where you planning on having sex with him when you agreed to fly to see him?

 

Did you have any inclination that he was relationship material or did you care if he was?

 

The guy was honest and upfront. When confronted he told the whole truth AND he practices safe sex! These are all a plus.

 

I think what is missing is what your expectations were going in. Obviously if he had cleaned under the bed better you would have never known this side of him until much later so that is a plus also.

 

You had some fun and figured out this guy is not for you. Not exactly a win win but certainly could have turned out much worse don't you think?

 

Lost

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Were you right to leave? Absolutely!

 

As for your anger.....well....if there is anyone you should be a angry at, it's yourself. Bitter pill to swallow.

 

Basically, you got waaaayyyy too easily taken in by his charm and chemistry and even though he told you straight up that he fcks around, aka free bird, you chose to ignore that. Also, after some more sweet talk from him, you got on the plane with stars in your eyes about a potential growing relationship. The condom under the bed was the provebial cold bucket of water over your head, the wake up call that he actually meant what he said, that he fcks around and you aren't special, just another one in his rotating stable of women and here is cold evidence and a blunt admission that this is who he is and this is what he does.

 

Does that burn? For sure, but I hope that you think long and hard on the lesson here - take it easy on that initial spark and charm and listen carefully to what a man says, especially when he tells you what you don't want to hear, like "I'm a free bird.", or "I'm damaged", or "I'm not sure I want a relationship", or pretty much anything at all that implies that he is not in a good place to make a loyal partner right NOW. Never invest in potential, look for a man who is on the same page, in a healthy place today, right now. He is telling you exactly who he is and the implied question there is whether that is acceptable to you. He just isn't being so brutally blunt as to say, "hey, do you want to be one of my dozens of fck buddies in my rotating stable of women?" because that would be too crude and rude.

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As for your anger.....well....if there is anyone you should be a angry at, it's yourself. Bitter pill to swallow.

 

Almost the exact sentence went through my mind when I read the phrase "idiot manchild." I get it, of course. Not a turn of events that would make any person feel great. Then again, I really don't think it would have spiked so much anger if you'd been honest with yourself prior to the trip. What you are now calling an "idiot manchild" is, of course, the "free bird" he presented himself as.

 

In Feb you wrote about a guy who frustrated you by talking non-stop about his ex-wife. Your words, back then: "He did say he was not ready for dating but he liked me and we were hanging out, and yes, sleeping together. Still I feel like I should not have had to endure that."

 

There is an echo there, with these words, now: "Another thing, he did tell me that he was a 'free bird'. I get that mean that you don't want commitments but does it also give you the right to behave anyway you want?"

 

The theme here, which may be worth reflecting on, is that when men tell you exactly what you don't actually want to hear from a man you lean in, rather than away, and then get angry with them for not having the courtesy to be who you'd like them to be.

 

Reading between the lines a bit, it seems that you are focused on some of your own slip-ups in the past: "I'm not perfect," you write. "I've made mistakes." On that front, welcome to a club that includes every adult walking planet Earth. Best I've seen and learned? We don't atone for those mistakes by finding people in the midst of making them on their own path, and then going about the business of seeing if we can right their course for our own sense of redemption. Let your own mistakes and imperfections slip into the past, so, in the present, you can meet and connect with people who are on a similar level.

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Certainly is a blessing in disguise. I'm not wasting time any more time on this idiot man-child. :D

 

How is he an idiot man-child?

 

He was honest with you. It's not fun to discover a used condom from a sexual encounter that wasn't with you, of course, but I don't see why you this enraged with him. He didn't promise you anything, did he? I don't see where he presented himself to be a one-woman guy, nor where he indicated you were his only current partner.

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Maybe he's an idiot man-child because he gave the impression that he was more responsible than he actually is? or that maybe you could have eventually had an actual relationship at some point and not just another notch on his bedpost?

 

I think the best way to avoid that again, is to decide for sure what you're looking for in terms of a relationship. Do you want an actual partner or do you want something casual?

Are you looking for exclusivity, or are you okay talking/dating someone who might be dating or sleeping with others too?

 

Once you know for sure what you want, be very straight forward right from the start with any man you talk with on exactly what you're looking for and want.

That way, you'll hopefully get rid of the time wasters and people who do not want the same things as you do.

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In some ways I happen to agree with the assessment that he is an "idiot man-child"... because rather than communicate like a mature adult about the nature of your relationship, he leaves a condom wrapper under his bed to remind you that he is indeed a "free-bird"... which on the one hand at least you know he is protecting himself... but on the other hand? Totally would gross me out... the man needs to learn to clean properly!

 

At the end of the day you can leave for absolutely any reason you want. You are not obligated to stay in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you had expectations of more, or maybe you didn't... either way if you don't like how you are feeling, then you did the right thing by leaving.

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I have found all of the advice here incredibly helpful...even the stuff that was hard to admit.

 

One last question. Since I left things on a good note with him, I never said one word in anger and he asked me not to disappear from his life. He actually sent a message saying that he hoped time would bring us together again. I still feel disgusted and I want to delete him from all social media. I think any further communication with him will be toxic for me. Is that childish?

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It's up to you. Why bother with a long distance player? Why not refocus your energy on local men who wish to be exclusive. As long as this guy has you on-call for hookups you may be distracted. Sooner or later you have to get rid of him anyway. FWB, NSA, etc leads to nowhere down the road.

He actually sent a message saying that he hoped time would bring us together again. I still feel disgusted and I want to delete him from all social media. I think any further communication with him will be toxic for me. Is that childish?
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No, not childish. Lady..you have a right to your feelings. Being disappointed in someone, does not make you childish in the least. In fact, just the opposite.

 

You are a grown woman, who knows what she wants, who has standards and won't lower herself because a man is behaving badly. That's actually a great thing.

 

All you need to do now, is find a decent man who wants the same things as you do. But don't ever feel guilty for knowing what you want and being disappointed when a man can't even pick up condom wrappers, because that's fairly gross.

He should have treated you with much more respect, that's your right to feel upset about it.

 

Just remove/delete. Don't feel the need to explain yourself.

 

Hopefully next time around, when you meet someone else, it won't go this way. Just be more careful who you trust and let him know what you are hoping for.

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I think if you stay in communication you run the risk of "hoping" he'll change his mind about you.

 

Do you think that? Because he wants you to stay in your life, did a little voice inside your head say "Maybe he wants you in his life because deep down inside he sees you as relationship material"?

 

I wouldn't stay in contact because you feel, in your own words, he is an "idiot man child". Why stay in touch with someone you think poorly of?

 

And no, I don't think it's childish. If you don't want to remain in contact, don't! And who are you afraid of looking childish to? Him? Who cares what he thinks? Do what's right for you.

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I have found all of the advice here incredibly helpful...even the stuff that was hard to admit.

 

One last question. Since I left things on a good note with him, I never said one word in anger and he asked me not to disappear from his life. He actually sent a message saying that he hoped time would bring us together again. I still feel disgusted and I want to delete him from all social media. I think any further communication with him will be toxic for me. Is that childish?

 

No, it's not childish at all, it's actually healthy for you and you matter. It's that simple.

 

Of course a player, aka Mr. Freebird, will tell you bs like he wants to stay in touch, he doesn't want you to disappear, etc. He already duped you once or twice and found you vulnerable to his charm and his bs, and people like that don't just let go and go away. He'll try and try again to break down your boundaries if you don't block him. For him, it's all a game and he goes hardest at those who have given in before, aka weak target, low hanging branch. Unfortunately, your number is now in his black book and that's not a flattering thing. Only way to get yourself deleted is to delete him and keep it that way forever. Anything less will just put you back in the rotating stable of women he fcks - not exactly a flattering or a desirable place to be.

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I have found all of the advice here incredibly helpful...even the stuff that was hard to admit.

 

One last question. Since I left things on a good note with him, I never said one word in anger and he asked me not to disappear from his life. He actually sent a message saying that he hoped time would bring us together again. I still feel disgusted and I want to delete him from all social media. I think any further communication with him will be toxic for me. Is that childish?

 

Regardless of fault or blame, this person/situation has moved you to 1) feel humiliated with yourself, 2) feel so humiliated that you needed a quick exit (you couldn't think of spending more time with him on a planned visit), 3) made you feel worse having to couch surf after leaving early and 4) call him an idiot man-child.

 

Why on earth would you want to continue speaking to someone whom you dislike so much? I think you need to stand up for yourself and stop worrying so much about what other people (including this man) think of you. The situation was no good and you didn't like it. I think there was a bit of an 'Oh sh-t' moment in there when the lightbulbs flew on and you realized what he was and your blooper too in the hours and days to follow but it doesn't mean that you get twirled around and wrapped up in his suave and sexy rhetoric all over again.

 

Cut this person free. You could be meeting so many other more valuable and wonderful men in the process without having to sell yourself short.

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